(no subject)
freedom from my room. finally.
Fall has taken over and i'm loving it. it had put up with Summer as long as it could. Summer overstayed its welcome this year. Attacking our home with heat waves, humidity, and sweat. you see, Summer takes pleasure in seeing people suffer. it loves watching kids peel their tee shirts away from their skin, only to have them stick again. every now and then guilt will sink in and it will give us a good storm to cool us down, but not often. mostly, Summer is just pissed off because it doesn't have many holidays. people don't look forward to seeing Summer like they do Winter. granted, kids love Summer, but only because their released from their schools and placed back inside their air-conditioned bedrooms. their love has nothing to do with that goddamned Summer. because it's an asshole. and Fall is the liberator. and we have been liberated. i think we should have a party to celebrate. if anyone has any ideas for a sort of Fall festival, let me know.
so here goes. i honestly don't understand why people can't keep their mouths shut. i don't understand why people say things, just to start mayhem. not because someone is wronging them. not to fix a problem. just to talk about someone and make them feel bad. yeah i know i've participated in stuff like that. but it makes me feel funny. not just bad. i can't describe it efficiently. ashamed. dirty. pathetic. all at the same time. even if the person deserves to have their throat slit, i feel horrible making them feel bad. i still talk about people that i don't talk to, like the hot topic army at school. but i honestly feel bad for doing this because i realise that i was exactly like them two years ago. why do i do it then? i think there's a bunch of reasons. because i'm so self-centered, i need to maintain it by making fun of other kids to make myself seem more important and better. more mature. more stylish. better taste. whatever. or it could be because i think i'm expected to. everyone makes fun of someone, right? well, it's not like i'm always following my friends' lead. a lot of the time, i'll be the one to start making fun of someone. i don't like this. i don't like the fact that i can sit at school and hear a million different conversations and think to myself, "damn, what the fuck is wrong with these kids?", and then go and have that same conversation with one of my friends. i hate that i'm so contradictory.
i think i don't understand their need to talk as much as they do because i don't have that need at all. i just usually keep my mouth shut. it's easier. if i need to say something, i'll write it down. speaking is so hard for me. i want everything to come out just right, and with speech, i don't have the power to make everyword sound perfect. i get nervous when expected to speak in front of a group of friends, even. if more than three or four people are listening to me at the same time, i blush. i just want them to listen to something to something else. i freak out. but i think i'm good at hiding it a little by now. because i'm so scared of talking, i express myself mostly by writing i guess. but i don't write that much, which is the strange part. i don't think i express myself very much. which kinda makes me wonder if the need to express ourself even really exists. i'm convinced that sara was right a long time ago when she said that i was similiar to charlie the wallflower. i didn't believe it then, but i'm starting to see it now. not to say that i'm some hero/protagonist, but i think that i express myself by understanding, if that makes sense.
rilo kiley. goddamn. what rock have i been living under?
mister christmas optimistic