...
I hate it when you need a friend and the only one around is the one you're mad at.
I really want to talk to Kaitlyn...I haven't had decent contact with her in some time, and she's my best friend. But these last few weeks, I guess we've just been caught up in things. Now though, my life is changing rapidly, and other things are happening, and I want to talk to her but I can't. I visited her house earlier and she was gone, so I called her and had a brief chat, then she said she'd call me back. I tried calling her back many, many hours later and got no answer. Have I done something wrong? Or is this all some mistake? Am I losing my friend?
I know I've lost Kyle. We're not going to prom together anymore. I've been getting more and more of a bad vibe from him lately...so I told him I knew he didn't like me anymore. And I wanted to know if we were still going. But that fucking coward made me make his big decisions for him. I had to tell me he didn't like me anymore, not him. I had to tell me he didn't want to go to prom anymore, not him. Every fucking time I would ask a question he would give me the same one back or some indirect bullshit about how bad he feels. Why did I even like him? Because he was the first guy I know here who ever liked me. Who thought I might be worth something. He was a landmark and it took me until my Junior year to get that. I liked him because I had no one else to like and I thought I stood a chance there. And I got positive feed-back too, only to be shot down in the end. And now this.
What love life have I had? A bullshit internet relationship, asked one guy out and got turned down with hateful things said behind my back, asked another guy out who got my hopes really high before slamming me down. Oh he asked me to prom before he gave me the answer so I was happy. But now he doesn't want to go to prom anymore. And he didn't even have the balls to tell me that, he didn't have the guts to just fucking tell me, and me having to make that decision for him hurt me more than if he'd have just let me down. Filthy coward, impudent scum, muck on my shoe, I'm on the verge of despising you Kyle. Because you couldn't tell me and be a man, because you "felt bad" and some bullshit like that. I'm ten times more hurt than if the words had fallen from your lips in my face.
My bipolar disorder is out of control. I'm rapid-cycling several times throughout a day. I'm trying to get back on regular medication but it's hard, so hard...it's hard to do anything right. The depression is so common place that I'll be in the middle of a sentence and break down crying. Luckily I haven't infront of my friends yet. What would they think of me? Kyle is example enough. They think I'm a different person now. Am I? I don't feel like I am. Should I be judged by current going-ons? After all, my whole life is changing in the blink of an eye. It should only be natural that a good friend understands, right? They wouldn't abandon me, right?
Then again, they are human.
Please, oh God, let them have pity on my soul. Don't leave me now. I need my friends. Even if they don't need me anymore.
My phobia of school has finally been recognized by my parents, and the first major decision of my life has been placed on my shoulders. For the first time I have to make a huge decision that will ultimately affect me for the rest of my life. Every day of my life I'll have to live with this choice. It's terryfying to face this thing down, especially with the state I'm in. What if I'm depressed and make the bad one? What if I'm being erradic and I make a choice that's outside my limitations in the end? I can't tell when I'm normal anymore. All the changes keep getting blurred together. I feel physically ill. I think my ulsers are coming back.
That decision has been running me rampant but I think I've come to a descision.
These nine weeks will be my last in Freeport High School. I will not be returning for my Senior year. All facts considered, all things accounted for, myself and my peers have decided it's better for me to drop out and get a GED. My phobia of a school environment is far to great for me to remain. It's literally driving me insane. Like an aracnaphobic covered in spiders for hours every day. I'm failing every class and it would be impossible for me to graduate next year. I don't get to graduate with my friends...I don't get to have a Senior Prom, or do senior pictures, or see if I get voted for as Most Artistic. I don't get to have AP class with my friends, or sit at lunch and hang with them. I'll be busy with my job and getting my GED before graduation time why they enjoy the best years of their lives. These nine weeks are the last of mine.
The upside is I can still get in to college, and I'll probably be able to start before the seniors even graduate. So I won't be any lesser. I'll still be just as good as them, and moving at the same pace, unlike if I stayed in Highschool. I would have to go an extra semester, with correspondence school through my entire senior year, summer school both summers. And that's if I managed to pass EVERY class EVERY TIME and ALL THE TIME.
But maybe that's what I want to do? Would it still be the better path for me? Should I struggle through highschool and try? No. I have tried my heart out for many years. My successes have been few and far between. If it's not working now, I doubt it suddenly would then.
All because of that damn phobia. Those kids. All of those kids. Those kids who used to beat me up every day. Those kids who made me the butt of every joke, who teased me at every turn, who made school a living hell for me day in and day out. Those kids who shattered what little confidence I had in myself with their fists and their words. And those teachers. Those teachers who stood by and did nothing. Who made me feel like no-one cared. Who did their best to avoid having to work by baiting my parents and myself with lies and letting us forget about it. I hope they're all happy. I hope their lives feel complete. Because of your thoughtless actions me, this, this human being, this living thing, is in constant suffering. Because of them my future may be ruined. Because of them I may have to lead some average life where I've never done anything meaningful. Yes, they should be very happy, because they've crushed my dreams. They saw what little I had and they trampled it. And when I rebuild, they do it again. Even now there are people who do not resist to jive at me. Am I really such an abomination? Would I really be better off dead? Sometimes I think so. But if I do that then I'll never have a chance to get better. I'll never become that great artist I want to be if I'm dead.
So am I suicidal? Partially. I want to be dead. I want to be gone. But I know I can't be right now. If I offed myself, it may be a whole nother world of eternal suffering as consequence. If somebody else offed me, I would be risking their eternal souls with my greed.
And I'm far too much of a coward.
But is it really so unbecoming to be afraid to die? Death is unknown in the respect that we only know it is to happen. And man's greatest fear is the unknown.
In summary, I really need a hug right now. A hug and three gigantic tubs of Ben and Jerry's cookie dough icecream.
I really want to talk to Kaitlyn...I haven't had decent contact with her in some time, and she's my best friend. But these last few weeks, I guess we've just been caught up in things. Now though, my life is changing rapidly, and other things are happening, and I want to talk to her but I can't. I visited her house earlier and she was gone, so I called her and had a brief chat, then she said she'd call me back. I tried calling her back many, many hours later and got no answer. Have I done something wrong? Or is this all some mistake? Am I losing my friend?
I know I've lost Kyle. We're not going to prom together anymore. I've been getting more and more of a bad vibe from him lately...so I told him I knew he didn't like me anymore. And I wanted to know if we were still going. But that fucking coward made me make his big decisions for him. I had to tell me he didn't like me anymore, not him. I had to tell me he didn't want to go to prom anymore, not him. Every fucking time I would ask a question he would give me the same one back or some indirect bullshit about how bad he feels. Why did I even like him? Because he was the first guy I know here who ever liked me. Who thought I might be worth something. He was a landmark and it took me until my Junior year to get that. I liked him because I had no one else to like and I thought I stood a chance there. And I got positive feed-back too, only to be shot down in the end. And now this.
What love life have I had? A bullshit internet relationship, asked one guy out and got turned down with hateful things said behind my back, asked another guy out who got my hopes really high before slamming me down. Oh he asked me to prom before he gave me the answer so I was happy. But now he doesn't want to go to prom anymore. And he didn't even have the balls to tell me that, he didn't have the guts to just fucking tell me, and me having to make that decision for him hurt me more than if he'd have just let me down. Filthy coward, impudent scum, muck on my shoe, I'm on the verge of despising you Kyle. Because you couldn't tell me and be a man, because you "felt bad" and some bullshit like that. I'm ten times more hurt than if the words had fallen from your lips in my face.
My bipolar disorder is out of control. I'm rapid-cycling several times throughout a day. I'm trying to get back on regular medication but it's hard, so hard...it's hard to do anything right. The depression is so common place that I'll be in the middle of a sentence and break down crying. Luckily I haven't infront of my friends yet. What would they think of me? Kyle is example enough. They think I'm a different person now. Am I? I don't feel like I am. Should I be judged by current going-ons? After all, my whole life is changing in the blink of an eye. It should only be natural that a good friend understands, right? They wouldn't abandon me, right?
Then again, they are human.
Please, oh God, let them have pity on my soul. Don't leave me now. I need my friends. Even if they don't need me anymore.
My phobia of school has finally been recognized by my parents, and the first major decision of my life has been placed on my shoulders. For the first time I have to make a huge decision that will ultimately affect me for the rest of my life. Every day of my life I'll have to live with this choice. It's terryfying to face this thing down, especially with the state I'm in. What if I'm depressed and make the bad one? What if I'm being erradic and I make a choice that's outside my limitations in the end? I can't tell when I'm normal anymore. All the changes keep getting blurred together. I feel physically ill. I think my ulsers are coming back.
That decision has been running me rampant but I think I've come to a descision.
These nine weeks will be my last in Freeport High School. I will not be returning for my Senior year. All facts considered, all things accounted for, myself and my peers have decided it's better for me to drop out and get a GED. My phobia of a school environment is far to great for me to remain. It's literally driving me insane. Like an aracnaphobic covered in spiders for hours every day. I'm failing every class and it would be impossible for me to graduate next year. I don't get to graduate with my friends...I don't get to have a Senior Prom, or do senior pictures, or see if I get voted for as Most Artistic. I don't get to have AP class with my friends, or sit at lunch and hang with them. I'll be busy with my job and getting my GED before graduation time why they enjoy the best years of their lives. These nine weeks are the last of mine.
The upside is I can still get in to college, and I'll probably be able to start before the seniors even graduate. So I won't be any lesser. I'll still be just as good as them, and moving at the same pace, unlike if I stayed in Highschool. I would have to go an extra semester, with correspondence school through my entire senior year, summer school both summers. And that's if I managed to pass EVERY class EVERY TIME and ALL THE TIME.
But maybe that's what I want to do? Would it still be the better path for me? Should I struggle through highschool and try? No. I have tried my heart out for many years. My successes have been few and far between. If it's not working now, I doubt it suddenly would then.
All because of that damn phobia. Those kids. All of those kids. Those kids who used to beat me up every day. Those kids who made me the butt of every joke, who teased me at every turn, who made school a living hell for me day in and day out. Those kids who shattered what little confidence I had in myself with their fists and their words. And those teachers. Those teachers who stood by and did nothing. Who made me feel like no-one cared. Who did their best to avoid having to work by baiting my parents and myself with lies and letting us forget about it. I hope they're all happy. I hope their lives feel complete. Because of your thoughtless actions me, this, this human being, this living thing, is in constant suffering. Because of them my future may be ruined. Because of them I may have to lead some average life where I've never done anything meaningful. Yes, they should be very happy, because they've crushed my dreams. They saw what little I had and they trampled it. And when I rebuild, they do it again. Even now there are people who do not resist to jive at me. Am I really such an abomination? Would I really be better off dead? Sometimes I think so. But if I do that then I'll never have a chance to get better. I'll never become that great artist I want to be if I'm dead.
So am I suicidal? Partially. I want to be dead. I want to be gone. But I know I can't be right now. If I offed myself, it may be a whole nother world of eternal suffering as consequence. If somebody else offed me, I would be risking their eternal souls with my greed.
And I'm far too much of a coward.
But is it really so unbecoming to be afraid to die? Death is unknown in the respect that we only know it is to happen. And man's greatest fear is the unknown.
In summary, I really need a hug right now. A hug and three gigantic tubs of Ben and Jerry's cookie dough icecream.