When life hands me lemons? I choke on them...

[javvie55]

What can I say? I thought that this year was going to be the break out year for me. You know...last year was so...blah. Lost my fiancee, lost my job...but things began to pick up for me a bit. Made a decision to chase a girl and to my surprise it worked. Of course...as I said...that was LAST year. This year started off with one good day. Not even...half a good day. By 7:30 am the first day of this shitty year I had the stomach flu. Within two weeks I am single again. I dunno. I guess its time to realize that I am not meant to fall in love...I am not meant to have a nice life. I fell...head over heels...ass over tea kettle for this girl...silly rabbit...no one will EVER love you as more than a dopey stupid friend. When will I learn? I am not worth the dirt on people's shoes. How could I ever think that someone could find me attractive and LOVE ME FOR ME?? No of course not. Instead she decided on another girl at work. Did she love me? Only she knows. I sure as hell don't anymore. We said no matter what we would be friends, but I don't think she is interested in that either. Just her new girl. I wish her the best of luck. She was smart to get away from me. So I sit here...staring at this computer screen, thinking of what a waste I am. No one wants to hear it..but it is the truth. Here I am with a college degree...28 years old...what do I have to show for it? A temporary job doing data antry and a broken heart. That's it. That's all I amount to. A big heaping pile of shit that holds someone's attention for a month and a half before someone else comes along. Of course...she is prettier than me..which isn't saying much...I am sure she has a better personality...sigh. What does it matter? I wish I could be selfish enough to end it all..but I can't do that to my parents. I just wish I wasn't such a failure at everything I do. I have a few friends...who say all the right things to me...another reason why I can't just end it. I can't let them down either. I just don't know anymore. I can't trust anything anymore. I give up on love...there is no point...because they say they love you...then leave for better pastures. At least this one didn't take almost six years to realize that I am worthless. I just wish she hadn't told me she loved me so much...because I hate doubting it...but I can't believe it either. Maybe she loved me as a friend...like I said only she knows. Tomorrow would've been our 2 month anniversary...after getting a very special xmas gift from her...I was looking forward to it. Stupid me...and my fucking pipe dreams. Oh well..time for bed...gotta get my loser as up for work in the morning. Just another fucking day in paradise.

fuck it all....