i guess it's nothing really new- blabber
i guess it's hard to say when. i think of myself differently now than i did. or rather i think of myself differently because people see me differently. in high school i think i was viewed as quite, confident, smart, maybe a bit mysterious. now im still quiet, but awkward in a different sense, indecisive, not so confident. steph tells me in high school i was mean. was i? or was that a phase when i was friends with the wrong girls?
i think college sort of burst that whole bubble. the smart, confidence, etc. well not everything. it was rather the end of college. i still had confidence in myself. i still have that in myself, but the belief that the world will follow through, that it is there to help to take to whatever, not so much.
somehow the insecurities arose, somehow the harsh words of too many people took their toll and became constant records in my brain. and i have found it hard to forgive myself, to forget those people, to find closure in all those things that need it. in the moments that have passed, in the people that have moved on in more ways than one. people don't give that to you, and i don't forgive myself. i shouldn't listen to people anymore. shouldn't believe anymore. the world owes me nothing. people owe me nothing. and the only one that really means anything is myself.
you really only stand alone in the world.
--
4 months ago i would have backed up and moved to denver. i didn't. last week i was ready to move to florida. i know i won't. why do i always have this need for change but no motivation to do it? or this hindrance of fear? because now everything is ok. not great, just fine, just ok. and who knows whats next. fear in the unknown, hindered by the expectation game- life, youth, age, should and should nots.
what is there to believein when everyone fails you and you fail yourself?
when everyone leaves you so you leave yourself?
i think college sort of burst that whole bubble. the smart, confidence, etc. well not everything. it was rather the end of college. i still had confidence in myself. i still have that in myself, but the belief that the world will follow through, that it is there to help to take to whatever, not so much.
somehow the insecurities arose, somehow the harsh words of too many people took their toll and became constant records in my brain. and i have found it hard to forgive myself, to forget those people, to find closure in all those things that need it. in the moments that have passed, in the people that have moved on in more ways than one. people don't give that to you, and i don't forgive myself. i shouldn't listen to people anymore. shouldn't believe anymore. the world owes me nothing. people owe me nothing. and the only one that really means anything is myself.
you really only stand alone in the world.
--
4 months ago i would have backed up and moved to denver. i didn't. last week i was ready to move to florida. i know i won't. why do i always have this need for change but no motivation to do it? or this hindrance of fear? because now everything is ok. not great, just fine, just ok. and who knows whats next. fear in the unknown, hindered by the expectation game- life, youth, age, should and should nots.
what is there to believein when everyone fails you and you fail yourself?
when everyone leaves you so you leave yourself?