wow.

[javajane9]

so, i drank an entire bottle of wine.
by myself.
the genius that i am.
i just wanted to see if i could do it.
i can.

i smoked two cigarettes one after the other.
i'm so self-destructive.
i can't stop myself from doing stupid things.
well, actually i probably could.
but i don't.

i called rich.
because that's what i do.
i drink and dial.
NEVER drink and dial.
it's dangerous.
and...embarassing.

i know i hung up on him at least 7 times.
and i know i hurt him and myself.
i just want him to come see me.
last night.
i just wanted him.
to be there.
to hold me.
to fix me.

god, i'm lame.
i'm sick.

mom asked me why i'm depressed.
what kind of question is that?
how do you answer something like that?
how do you begin to answer that question?
how do i begin, to describe...what it's like?
what i'm like?

i don't even know myself anymore.
i like the downward spiral.
most days.

i just want summer to come.
i just want rich to come.

neither will come at my bidding.
damn.