(no subject)
*bweep*
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; stay on the line and we'll trace your call.
If you're delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you're schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you're depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press; no one will answer you.
If you're dyslexic, press 6-9-6-9-6-9-6-9-6-9.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget wtih the hash key until the beep.
After the beep, please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.
And if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.