Chapter Ten.
Gerard opened his eyes. So many stars. He turned his head slowly. There she was, his gothic beauty, lying there just like he always pictured she would. She looked so beautiful tonight, on his last night of junior year. It was breezy up on the tin roof of the old barn where they were lying. They came up here a lot in the summers. It was peaceful, the most peaceful place he ever knew, and that's why he took her here. As he looked at her lying next to him, he thought that everything could waste away, the world could go to pieces around him, and he wouldn't care as long as he could continue looking at her.
She was wearing a black slip as a dress, because it was warm. It rippled in the breeze. She sighed in her sleep. He finished his cigarette and threw it down off the roof. This was a moment he wished he could treasure forever, but something was bothering him. All they ever did nowadays was go to parties, get drunk, and then break away from the crowd to have their own party. The fact that she was now at the community college didn't help; the distance was a little taxing, and he wished every day that he hadn't stayed back twice. It was getting to the point he was afraid of - when saying "I love you" had lost its meaning and it was just a casual phrase tossed from her lips. He didn't know how to talk to her about that, about how maybe they should stop partying and start enjoying each other more. That's why he'd brought her up here again. He used to love listening to her make out pictures in the stars; tonight she stumbled over her words and laughed stupidly at something on his face. She had tried to get him to do something to her, but he couldn't. This wasn't his Helena.
She opened her eyes after a little while, looking up into his eyes with a tired innocence that so infrequently showed there.
"Whatssamatta, baby?" The tiredness only added to the alcohol's slur.
Gerard took a deep breath and touched her face gently. "I don't know you anymore. I don't know who this is who gets drunk and wakes up naked with me, but she's not my Helena. I want to know where Helena went."
She looked at him for a long time, and he couldn't read her expression, so he sat tensely anticipating an explosive response.
"You're drunk."
It wasn't what he was expecting, and thought it was true that he had had a little to drink, he wasn't nearly as far gone as she. He felt a very sudden strange feeling in his gut, like a warning that something terrible was going to happen.
"Helena, I'm not as drunk as you. But, about that... uhm... why do we always get drunk? What happened to being cute and actually being in love?"
"What're you talking about? We don't... always ged drunk... mmmmokay, maybe we do..." She turned over onto her side and tried to push herself up to sit with him, but couldn't manage it without his help. He put his arm around her waist, and her head flopped down onto his shoulder. "Do you wanna stop drinkin then?"
"I don't want to do it all the time. I want to do something meaningful with you. I don't want to always just get drunk and go at it."
She was silent for a long time. This was going to be hard for both of them to do, and he could only hope that she would agree to slow down a little. Finally, just above the rustling of leaves in the wind, he heard her whisper "Okay. Okay, I'll stop."
He kissed her forehead, a wave of relief surging through him. He'd have her back, just like the way she was in high school. A car passed by the abandoned farm.
"Hey, I think we should stay out here tonight; it's nice out." he said.
"Nah, I don't wanna. I wanna get back home."
"Helena, I really think we shouldn't drive back now. It's late, and we're tired, and we're both drunk."
"I wanna go back home!" she said with more force.
"I'll take you home, that's fine, just not now. Okay? Let me wear this off a little more and I'll drive you back."
"I don't wanna wait around for you. I wanna go home!"
"Helena--"
"Don't 'Helena' me..." she took a few breaths, trying to articulate through the slurring. "I wand to go home, Gerard. And if you won't take me, I'm going to drive myself."
"I'm not letting you do that!"
"You can't control me! You can't do that! You said you wouldn't do that! Not ever! You said that you'd never stop me from doing anything because you love me!"
"I don't love you!" he exploded. "I don't even know you anymore!"
She stood up. They stared at each other for a full minute, and then Helena climbed determinedly through the skylight and out of the loft of the barn. He followed, stumbling slightly.
Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was some great force holding him back, but try as he might, Gerard could not catch up to Helena. He stood in the doorway of the barn, watching his car turn on and head towards the road.
"Helena, stop!"
She pulled out onto the road and started speeding away. Gerard ran to the edge of the street and watched the tail lights fade away. He paced in circles, pulling at his hair, rubbing his hands together. How could he have been so stupid? His heart was going a mile a minute inside his chest, and something told him he needed to run. He took off at full speed, racing along the edge of the road after Helena.
Metal screeched against metal. Glass panes shattered. Something heavy dragged along the asphalt. And Gerard fell at the side of the road as though he'd been shot.