Deep Breaths
It feels like I'm swimming through a ton of bricks, and each on is a new idea I'm not sure I can handle. I now I can do this. I want to do this. I'm excited for this.
I'm terrified to wake up one day and see that she's not next to me, or that I'm still stuck in this same sense of being. No money, no time, no room. Idk. It's all too much to take in. And now I feel as though I'm complaining, and making everything worse than it should be. I know I need to learn to just focus on my problems and fuck everything and everyone else. But I'm always so worried she'll just take off running. Stress goes along way. And it lasts for days. Typing this is stressful.. what if I happen to say the wrong thing. Ugh. There I go again just not paying attention to how this will help me.. But how it might upset or confuse someone else.
This is basically it. I'm terrified. Scared out of my mind, I want to keep things in order in hopes nothing bad will go wrong. And I'm trying to hard to let that happen. But it's so difficult. I like order. But I want crazy spontaneous fun. I feel like I can't have that fun, without money, or things to actually do. Or the time to do them. I am so restricted to this schedule that I'm scared I'm, or WE are going to miss out on somethings. God I must sound crazy 11 months of my life and all of a sudden I can't think straight with that amount of pressure on me. And it's NOTHING at all. But being in school. I can't physically leave this if I want to. As in I need this.. for moneys! But I feel like my free will has been lifted up and crushed down on me.
Now that I am writing this all down, I just sound stupid, but it's all true. I am terrified that I am just stuck here. I am 22 and I keep going forward in age.. but am I just stuck at 19? I am scared because we live in the most boring place, and I want to give her a family. A nice warm place. Her home. Our home. I want it to be incredible and comfy. Fire placess.. and the smell of dinner and laundry! Ugh, I want it so badly. for her for me for us. For our children. I just can't till we live together and we are both just happy. Content. Not crazy comfy.. cause we gotta have some fun.. but just life seems .. perfect in a way. With all it's little blips and crazy things coming up. I miss her. I miss you baby. I miss you so damn much.
I love dinner.. and movies.. and it suck when money comes up for both of us. But I know it will get better. It has to get better. For us. And we will make that happen. Right?
I believe in us. Just hard when I am stuck here for 11 months ugh.. well 8 to go or so. I am not that worried just hate feeling anxious about everything. I should enjoy it. Which is another thing that stresses me out. I want comfort in knowing everything will work out.. but the harder I push for this to be over, the more I'm going to miss it when it is. I love learning. But I should of done this.. 3 years ago. Coulda Shoulda Woulda right? Blah
I'm in love, hopefully health (with all this stress I'm going to die!) .. and I know everything will be peachy!
I hate not having my own personal support system. I hate that I have no money .. to just take care of myself. Or someone else. I hate knowing I have to rely on someone else.. someone I could care less about for money .. or rather.. somewhere to live. I would rather rely on me.. and be crazed about money.. but know I can stand on my own two feet. But I can't do that for a while.. unless i decided to work my ass off and go to school. I'd never see her though. Ugh so not worth it. I should be happy though.. bills are payed. We do what we can, what we want. Eat well. Nice car, Nice dog :) Perfect animals.. perfect girlfriend. Ugh! Why can't I just get a grip.
These things are important to me.. I want that emotional support from her, so I know she cares .. at least about how I feel about it. I don't think she should go crazy like me. Then we'd both be shit out of luck. I want to always be there for her. And her just always there for me. I miss her. I mentioned that. This class is just dragging on today.
I think I will start doing my room again. Just being who I am .. all of who I am. Just because I am growing up doesn't mean I have to do it so fast. And writing is a huge part of me realizing how I am feeling all the time. It keeps me balanced and in check. I don't want to feel STUCK anymore. I want to feel.. anything but.
It scares me.. to the very center of me. Terrified and just stuck somewhere I don't want to be.
I can be stuck with Alicia for ever.. I love that Idea. But knowing we weren't moving forward and we ended up all grubby, and homely, living in a trailer working at McDonald's.. God I could just die. But I know that life is SOO not us. Nor will we let that ever be our life.
If I keep writing this is going to get just way too long. I love you Alicia.
I'm terrified to wake up one day and see that she's not next to me, or that I'm still stuck in this same sense of being. No money, no time, no room. Idk. It's all too much to take in. And now I feel as though I'm complaining, and making everything worse than it should be. I know I need to learn to just focus on my problems and fuck everything and everyone else. But I'm always so worried she'll just take off running. Stress goes along way. And it lasts for days. Typing this is stressful.. what if I happen to say the wrong thing. Ugh. There I go again just not paying attention to how this will help me.. But how it might upset or confuse someone else.
This is basically it. I'm terrified. Scared out of my mind, I want to keep things in order in hopes nothing bad will go wrong. And I'm trying to hard to let that happen. But it's so difficult. I like order. But I want crazy spontaneous fun. I feel like I can't have that fun, without money, or things to actually do. Or the time to do them. I am so restricted to this schedule that I'm scared I'm, or WE are going to miss out on somethings. God I must sound crazy 11 months of my life and all of a sudden I can't think straight with that amount of pressure on me. And it's NOTHING at all. But being in school. I can't physically leave this if I want to. As in I need this.. for moneys! But I feel like my free will has been lifted up and crushed down on me.
Now that I am writing this all down, I just sound stupid, but it's all true. I am terrified that I am just stuck here. I am 22 and I keep going forward in age.. but am I just stuck at 19? I am scared because we live in the most boring place, and I want to give her a family. A nice warm place. Her home. Our home. I want it to be incredible and comfy. Fire placess.. and the smell of dinner and laundry! Ugh, I want it so badly. for her for me for us. For our children. I just can't till we live together and we are both just happy. Content. Not crazy comfy.. cause we gotta have some fun.. but just life seems .. perfect in a way. With all it's little blips and crazy things coming up. I miss her. I miss you baby. I miss you so damn much.
I love dinner.. and movies.. and it suck when money comes up for both of us. But I know it will get better. It has to get better. For us. And we will make that happen. Right?
I believe in us. Just hard when I am stuck here for 11 months ugh.. well 8 to go or so. I am not that worried just hate feeling anxious about everything. I should enjoy it. Which is another thing that stresses me out. I want comfort in knowing everything will work out.. but the harder I push for this to be over, the more I'm going to miss it when it is. I love learning. But I should of done this.. 3 years ago. Coulda Shoulda Woulda right? Blah
I'm in love, hopefully health (with all this stress I'm going to die!) .. and I know everything will be peachy!
I hate not having my own personal support system. I hate that I have no money .. to just take care of myself. Or someone else. I hate knowing I have to rely on someone else.. someone I could care less about for money .. or rather.. somewhere to live. I would rather rely on me.. and be crazed about money.. but know I can stand on my own two feet. But I can't do that for a while.. unless i decided to work my ass off and go to school. I'd never see her though. Ugh so not worth it. I should be happy though.. bills are payed. We do what we can, what we want. Eat well. Nice car, Nice dog :) Perfect animals.. perfect girlfriend. Ugh! Why can't I just get a grip.
These things are important to me.. I want that emotional support from her, so I know she cares .. at least about how I feel about it. I don't think she should go crazy like me. Then we'd both be shit out of luck. I want to always be there for her. And her just always there for me. I miss her. I mentioned that. This class is just dragging on today.
I think I will start doing my room again. Just being who I am .. all of who I am. Just because I am growing up doesn't mean I have to do it so fast. And writing is a huge part of me realizing how I am feeling all the time. It keeps me balanced and in check. I don't want to feel STUCK anymore. I want to feel.. anything but.
It scares me.. to the very center of me. Terrified and just stuck somewhere I don't want to be.
I can be stuck with Alicia for ever.. I love that Idea. But knowing we weren't moving forward and we ended up all grubby, and homely, living in a trailer working at McDonald's.. God I could just die. But I know that life is SOO not us. Nor will we let that ever be our life.
If I keep writing this is going to get just way too long. I love you Alicia.