Myself being real......
I am now a disabled 43 year old Apache/Syrian male who has had many adventures and overlapping careers in his life-mostly good and some really bad and poignant-just like everybody else. And just like anyone else I get lonely at times and would give damn near anything to have a real lover who could see past my current form and fulfill that hole in my heart and the needs of my body, yet I am also too much of a realist to allow myself to wallow in such a fantasy that will never be.
I have been celibate since 1999-2000-not because of disease and/or lack of desire but because of the reality of my size-I am fat, indeed the medical term is "morbidly obese"-which means that my life is threatened by the weight I bear. At this time my current weight is around 520lbs and mobility is an issue. You know, it is a sad fact that when you are as large as I am, most people find themselves disgusted-yet I can't really blame them-I share their disgust at the deterioration of my body and what it has become.
Yeah there is hope of sorts-surgical procedures such as the lap band and so on, but having been on my own effectively since I was 7 anyways (long story re dead father, crazy mom, ward of the court 'til 18, juvenile halls, group homes etc)I figure that I'll either die during the procedure or as some related cause of it. And even if I make it that far (which admittedly IS possible I guess) that will not and cannot address the lack of a significant other in my life.
Thus whether it be now or in a few years hence, I will die alone (meaning w/o an so) and that grim fact is something that I have sadly resigned and accepted within my heart of hearts. Once in awhile this realization rears itself and then the pain of it grips me, then somehow I again sublimate it-indeed this is the very first time I have ever committed these thoughts to written word.
In the past I would never have written what I just did, I had too much pride and felt as if I was simply "whining". Indeed to some degree it still does feel that way, yet I pledged to be as real as I could possibly be in my LJ entries and perhaps my "whining" may help someone else-especially those who have loving relationships that are in trouble-remember they are worth fighting for-because at the end of the day when your turn at the Wheel is done it seems to me that it is not so much what your personal deeds were , but rather how many you may have helped along the way-this along with a loving partner and family and children seems to me to be what life is all about and is the best possible legacy anyone could have.
But it will not be mine, success in surgery or no, that is the Way of Things.
I have been celibate since 1999-2000-not because of disease and/or lack of desire but because of the reality of my size-I am fat, indeed the medical term is "morbidly obese"-which means that my life is threatened by the weight I bear. At this time my current weight is around 520lbs and mobility is an issue. You know, it is a sad fact that when you are as large as I am, most people find themselves disgusted-yet I can't really blame them-I share their disgust at the deterioration of my body and what it has become.
Yeah there is hope of sorts-surgical procedures such as the lap band and so on, but having been on my own effectively since I was 7 anyways (long story re dead father, crazy mom, ward of the court 'til 18, juvenile halls, group homes etc)I figure that I'll either die during the procedure or as some related cause of it. And even if I make it that far (which admittedly IS possible I guess) that will not and cannot address the lack of a significant other in my life.
Thus whether it be now or in a few years hence, I will die alone (meaning w/o an so) and that grim fact is something that I have sadly resigned and accepted within my heart of hearts. Once in awhile this realization rears itself and then the pain of it grips me, then somehow I again sublimate it-indeed this is the very first time I have ever committed these thoughts to written word.
In the past I would never have written what I just did, I had too much pride and felt as if I was simply "whining". Indeed to some degree it still does feel that way, yet I pledged to be as real as I could possibly be in my LJ entries and perhaps my "whining" may help someone else-especially those who have loving relationships that are in trouble-remember they are worth fighting for-because at the end of the day when your turn at the Wheel is done it seems to me that it is not so much what your personal deeds were , but rather how many you may have helped along the way-this along with a loving partner and family and children seems to me to be what life is all about and is the best possible legacy anyone could have.
But it will not be mine, success in surgery or no, that is the Way of Things.