I hate love.
And when I say, "I hate love." I'm not trying to be all anti-love or
evil or kewl or dark or any of those stupid personas. I wish I could be in love
and experience what it is to express your love in the truest and purest sense
The trouble is that I do love. The one person I care about and hope for the best
and keep on my thoughts and in my prayers is the one girl who, although my very
good friend, does not want to have that kind of relationship with me (maybe not
anyone in particular).
I really, truly and want to just be her friend because I know that is what she
wants and that is what I do but how I feel is another matter entirely. Some people
may say, "Ask her out." or give me advice but all of their advice,
even though it is well intended, is garbage. It is not that their ideas are meaningless
but for my situation they do not apply.
This is not some fancy I have or some kind of lust or even a strong attraction.
I hurt when she hurts. When we talk and she tells me about her day, how she didn't
feel to good or had pains, I feel deeply hurt and sick to my stomach because
I want so much for her to be well. I swear on everything important to me that
if I could do anything to make her better by God I would.
Shit! I am freaking crying right now. I am such a loser. I don't want anything
from her. I don't want to kiss her nor have physical relations of any sort. That
is not what I want. I want her happiness. Admittedly I would like to be affectionate
to her and be her husband and have children with her and grow old together but
most of all I want her to be happy and healthy.
This is where I am at now, I do not think of her everyday; however I do think
of her often. I have since moved away and do not see her. I used to see her once
a week when we met at her house (she lives with parents) and her day would lead
a very in-depth Bible study and I could talk to her and check up on her.
Part of the reason, be it a small part, was to move away from her. I needed a
fresh start and thought a new scene and change of pace would help. Thought I
might meet someone up here and forget all about all those feelings for her. I
was hopeful, but in spite of my futile attempt it seems to have failed, so far.
I still like her and I consider her a friend. I mean I wait 2 years for her with
no “maybe” it was a “no” but I felt I should wait. I
finally stopped waiting, at least I convince myself of this fact. I have yet
to find anyone else and for some reason I am not too much in a hurry. At least
in the respect that I am being considerably picky on whom I even consider to
pursue.
I do not care if anyone reads this, hell; I don’t even care about your
opinions (even though I will read them). I just had to write this out and get
it out of my system. I am feeling much relief now so I can stop writing and I
will.
Here is a picture I drawn of her about a year ago. It is kind of more how
I pictured her feeling. She is more beautiful in person.
