RIVFACT: Riv sleeps late when he's unhappy.
Today’s been dead. Maybe the weather put me out of it; maybe it’s some other things on my mind. I don’t know. I think too much. Too much thinking is bad for you. Thinking too much leads to worrying, and re-evaluating things, and generally next thing you know you have the world’s worst headache and you’re stressing over things that didn’t even really concern you yesterday. I think my major worries are about my own future. Let’s face it, there’s no avoiding tomorrow. The problem with that is making sure tomorrow’s a day worth living. It’s no secret, I haven’t felt too great. I’ve got more mood swings than a room full of women with periods. One minute I’m up, and the next I’m in the gutter. A lot of that has to do with my emotional dependency on others. I know that. I try to fight it, but hey there’s a point where you just can’t change the fact it’s who you are. Some people thrive on being alone. Other people suffer when they are alone. I’m the latter. I’ve tried not to “suffer” so much. I’ve been focusing on exercise, focusing on work, basically tried to just shake the negativity off and keep going. But just because you ignore the problems in your life doesn’t mean they’ll just go away.
Anyway, it rained all day, and I slept in pretty late. Josh wanted to hang out yesterday and we were up late watching Japanese movies. We got a double-feature set of the movie Sonatine and Zatoichi the Blind Swordsman. As I watched the “Blind Swordsman” I said to Josh “If I ever made a movie about a blind martial artist, in my ending we’d find out he wasn’t blind after all. Come to find out, Zatoichi stole my fucking idea.
Anyway, I tossed and turned a lot. Earlier that Sunday I had did some jogging and then worked all day, so I was exhausted. My body has been sore most of today. I’ve been at it exercising every day for three straight weeks and with how achy my body has been I decided to take a day off from the daily exercise routine today. Missing one day won’t hurt as long as it doesn’t turn to two days, four days, etc. I’m obsessed with keeping the habit of working out over anything else - websites, videogames, anything. I could give a fuck about a lot of that right now because I want to look good. Videogames and websites never got me anything but an empty wallet. I love these things, but I’d love it more if someone gave a shit if I were alive and today’s society is so shallow and superficial that no one is going to give a rat’s ass about you if you don’t look good. Anyone that tells you otherwise is repressing their own shallowness, or are ugly as sin.
I’m not saying people don’t want love and don’t want emotion. They do. But when it boils down to it, the whole “Beauty and the Beast” story just doesn’t compute.
On the same token, I’m not a bad looking guy. That sounds conceited for me to say it, but I know I’m not. Yet somehow, I still tend to have the absolute rock-bottom luck. I’m so annoyed by it because it’s just uncanny. I could do everything right and somehow it would just explode in my face. The girl would end up being a Lesbian, or underage, or some other catch. I speak from personal bad experiences. They say that if you get shot down, to get back up. They say all that matters is that you get back up. But is it worth it to get back up if you’re guaranteed that you’re going to get shot in the head the minute you do?
I’m annoyed at myself for wasting the entire fucking day. I have too much shit to do this week. In fact from the moment I get up tomorrow until Saturday I don’t get to sit down. Work at Job #1, Work at Job #2, deal with those unspeakable problems I hate so much, Work at Job #1 by taking a long-ass fucking drive to Athens, which for once I’m not looking forward to since apparently the office wants me to do a lot of crazy shit over there. Do I ever get a minute to relax or fucking enjoy myself anymore? I’m not happy - at all. I’m never happy anymore. I think what’s killing me inside is the fact I really don’t have that emotional bond to anyone. It means not having someone to truly talk to or confide in, thus meaning I have to keep all my emotions all pent up inside to the point I want to explode. As usual I think the bottom line is my life’s pretty lonely and when things are difficult AND lonely, it’s hard to deal with any of it. On that note I think I’m going to cut it short and go to bed, as I have had a headache the past for days that won’t go away.
Well there’s always one cure for a headache:
Too bad I’d never go through with it…
Anyway, it rained all day, and I slept in pretty late. Josh wanted to hang out yesterday and we were up late watching Japanese movies. We got a double-feature set of the movie Sonatine and Zatoichi the Blind Swordsman. As I watched the “Blind Swordsman” I said to Josh “If I ever made a movie about a blind martial artist, in my ending we’d find out he wasn’t blind after all. Come to find out, Zatoichi stole my fucking idea.
Anyway, I tossed and turned a lot. Earlier that Sunday I had did some jogging and then worked all day, so I was exhausted. My body has been sore most of today. I’ve been at it exercising every day for three straight weeks and with how achy my body has been I decided to take a day off from the daily exercise routine today. Missing one day won’t hurt as long as it doesn’t turn to two days, four days, etc. I’m obsessed with keeping the habit of working out over anything else - websites, videogames, anything. I could give a fuck about a lot of that right now because I want to look good. Videogames and websites never got me anything but an empty wallet. I love these things, but I’d love it more if someone gave a shit if I were alive and today’s society is so shallow and superficial that no one is going to give a rat’s ass about you if you don’t look good. Anyone that tells you otherwise is repressing their own shallowness, or are ugly as sin.
I’m not saying people don’t want love and don’t want emotion. They do. But when it boils down to it, the whole “Beauty and the Beast” story just doesn’t compute.
On the same token, I’m not a bad looking guy. That sounds conceited for me to say it, but I know I’m not. Yet somehow, I still tend to have the absolute rock-bottom luck. I’m so annoyed by it because it’s just uncanny. I could do everything right and somehow it would just explode in my face. The girl would end up being a Lesbian, or underage, or some other catch. I speak from personal bad experiences. They say that if you get shot down, to get back up. They say all that matters is that you get back up. But is it worth it to get back up if you’re guaranteed that you’re going to get shot in the head the minute you do?
I’m annoyed at myself for wasting the entire fucking day. I have too much shit to do this week. In fact from the moment I get up tomorrow until Saturday I don’t get to sit down. Work at Job #1, Work at Job #2, deal with those unspeakable problems I hate so much, Work at Job #1 by taking a long-ass fucking drive to Athens, which for once I’m not looking forward to since apparently the office wants me to do a lot of crazy shit over there. Do I ever get a minute to relax or fucking enjoy myself anymore? I’m not happy - at all. I’m never happy anymore. I think what’s killing me inside is the fact I really don’t have that emotional bond to anyone. It means not having someone to truly talk to or confide in, thus meaning I have to keep all my emotions all pent up inside to the point I want to explode. As usual I think the bottom line is my life’s pretty lonely and when things are difficult AND lonely, it’s hard to deal with any of it. On that note I think I’m going to cut it short and go to bed, as I have had a headache the past for days that won’t go away.
Well there’s always one cure for a headache:
Too bad I’d never go through with it…