One of those memories....
Ever have one of those memories that is stuck in your head because of the simple fact you didn't do something that you should have a long time ago? Well thats my topic for today.
You see, there are times when I just stop and think about a decision that could have either made my life better, or worse. It started when I had just moved to the state of Oregon in 1990. I was 7. As I started my first day of school in 2nd grade, only one person caught my attention. It was a girl by the name of Desiree Hayes. Even at the age of seven I was thinking "Oh my God, shes beautiful!" But, having the mind of a seven year old, my reactions outside were different, somewhat....you know, the "girls are icky" thing. Skip a few years, and its 6th grade.
During the years inbetween, me and her became very close friends, and everytime I saw her, I just wanted to say "Will you go out with me?" But the shyness took me over and I just couldn't say it. Also, I had moved away a few times during those years, but it never changed a thing between me and her, which I felt was really cool. There was a time when I brought up an old 3rd grade pic of me and her hugging eachother for the camera, smiling, and she almost went into tears, because she didnt think I would keep something like that for so long. We always did our homework together afterschool, had recess together, ate lunch together, we were a couple without really being a couple. And everyday it ate me up inside that I never 'hooked up' with her for an actual date.
Then...I moved....again. But before I moved, which happened to be on the last day of school, I had gotten her a necklace and was going to present it to her after class. Can you guess what happened? Well, youre close. A few of my other friends had noticed it and outloud questioned me on who I was giving it too. My heart gets to racing. Here comes Desiree. I say "Im giving it to my.......uhm....my....girlfriend." Then I get asked "Whos your girlfriend?" A long pause, Desiree is there looking at me. "Uhm...a...a...a girl named Sarah." SARAH?!?! I didn't know a girl named Sarah!!! Desiree just lightly smiled at me and left. And that would be pretty much the last time I'd ever see her again.
The next time I would talk to her would be a few years later through email when I happened to find her email while searching for her. I had found out through some friends of mine that she had completely changed her life, for the worse. She was into drugs and had become a real biatch apparently. Well, when I treaded lightly on those rough waters when emailing her, she actually admitted to it, but she said that was long ago and shes gotten her life turned back around. And I began talking to her more, then I just said it. I told her my true feelings about her. She was shocked. Then she too openly admitted she had the same feelings for me, she just couldnt act on them. I told her my feelings are still the same to the day, and she told me shes found someone new into her life and is happy. That hurt. Then she stopped checking her email, but luckly she left me her phone number. So I called a few times.
The last time I called her, it was going to be one of those nights where I would totally be upset at myself. It had been only 6 months since I had last called her, so time really went by in her world. anyway, when I had called, I was given the news that not only was she pregnant, but she had also gotten married. I felt like dying. Unfortunately, I didnt get to talk long to her since she had the flu. So I said bye, for little did I know that would be my last time Id ever talk to her. why is that? Because I made the stupid mistake of tearing out a page from my address book that happened to have her number written on it, folded it up, then placed it on my computer desk. Then one day, its house-cleaning day, and it ends up unknowingly in the garbage. I would later come to this realization when I go to call her a month later and can not seem to find the page I had ripped out. I went ballistic. Then I remembered that the email that had her number was saved. Keyword: WAS. I go to check the email account under which it was saved and the service provider had deleted all my emails! I think I died a little that day.
To this day I always wonder, "If I had just asked her out, If she had just become a part of my life, if only for a few months, would things have been different? Would I have been the one to marry her? Was it me, by not giving her that necklace and moving away, the cause for her downward spiral into drugs and alcohol? Would things have just been.......different?"
Last I knew, she still lived in Milton-Freewater, Oregon. Her last name has obviously changed since her marriage, and her child should be coming up on 2 years of age now. If anything, I'd love to talk to her one more time, just to get my questions answered. I actually do lose sleep over this too believe it or not. And I'll even admit this: Even when I had a girlfriend in my life, there wasn't a day that went by when I wondered how Desiree was doing. She was THAT important in my life.
Well, thats most of the story without going into all the detail, so I hope you found it to be a good read, if not, oh well. Maybe you too, have been in a similar situation.
Till next time.....
You see, there are times when I just stop and think about a decision that could have either made my life better, or worse. It started when I had just moved to the state of Oregon in 1990. I was 7. As I started my first day of school in 2nd grade, only one person caught my attention. It was a girl by the name of Desiree Hayes. Even at the age of seven I was thinking "Oh my God, shes beautiful!" But, having the mind of a seven year old, my reactions outside were different, somewhat....you know, the "girls are icky" thing. Skip a few years, and its 6th grade.
During the years inbetween, me and her became very close friends, and everytime I saw her, I just wanted to say "Will you go out with me?" But the shyness took me over and I just couldn't say it. Also, I had moved away a few times during those years, but it never changed a thing between me and her, which I felt was really cool. There was a time when I brought up an old 3rd grade pic of me and her hugging eachother for the camera, smiling, and she almost went into tears, because she didnt think I would keep something like that for so long. We always did our homework together afterschool, had recess together, ate lunch together, we were a couple without really being a couple. And everyday it ate me up inside that I never 'hooked up' with her for an actual date.
Then...I moved....again. But before I moved, which happened to be on the last day of school, I had gotten her a necklace and was going to present it to her after class. Can you guess what happened? Well, youre close. A few of my other friends had noticed it and outloud questioned me on who I was giving it too. My heart gets to racing. Here comes Desiree. I say "Im giving it to my.......uhm....my....girlfriend." Then I get asked "Whos your girlfriend?" A long pause, Desiree is there looking at me. "Uhm...a...a...a girl named Sarah." SARAH?!?! I didn't know a girl named Sarah!!! Desiree just lightly smiled at me and left. And that would be pretty much the last time I'd ever see her again.
The next time I would talk to her would be a few years later through email when I happened to find her email while searching for her. I had found out through some friends of mine that she had completely changed her life, for the worse. She was into drugs and had become a real biatch apparently. Well, when I treaded lightly on those rough waters when emailing her, she actually admitted to it, but she said that was long ago and shes gotten her life turned back around. And I began talking to her more, then I just said it. I told her my true feelings about her. She was shocked. Then she too openly admitted she had the same feelings for me, she just couldnt act on them. I told her my feelings are still the same to the day, and she told me shes found someone new into her life and is happy. That hurt. Then she stopped checking her email, but luckly she left me her phone number. So I called a few times.
The last time I called her, it was going to be one of those nights where I would totally be upset at myself. It had been only 6 months since I had last called her, so time really went by in her world. anyway, when I had called, I was given the news that not only was she pregnant, but she had also gotten married. I felt like dying. Unfortunately, I didnt get to talk long to her since she had the flu. So I said bye, for little did I know that would be my last time Id ever talk to her. why is that? Because I made the stupid mistake of tearing out a page from my address book that happened to have her number written on it, folded it up, then placed it on my computer desk. Then one day, its house-cleaning day, and it ends up unknowingly in the garbage. I would later come to this realization when I go to call her a month later and can not seem to find the page I had ripped out. I went ballistic. Then I remembered that the email that had her number was saved. Keyword: WAS. I go to check the email account under which it was saved and the service provider had deleted all my emails! I think I died a little that day.
To this day I always wonder, "If I had just asked her out, If she had just become a part of my life, if only for a few months, would things have been different? Would I have been the one to marry her? Was it me, by not giving her that necklace and moving away, the cause for her downward spiral into drugs and alcohol? Would things have just been.......different?"
Last I knew, she still lived in Milton-Freewater, Oregon. Her last name has obviously changed since her marriage, and her child should be coming up on 2 years of age now. If anything, I'd love to talk to her one more time, just to get my questions answered. I actually do lose sleep over this too believe it or not. And I'll even admit this: Even when I had a girlfriend in my life, there wasn't a day that went by when I wondered how Desiree was doing. She was THAT important in my life.
Well, thats most of the story without going into all the detail, so I hope you found it to be a good read, if not, oh well. Maybe you too, have been in a similar situation.
Till next time.....