whatever

[jasonelliot]

this isnt going to be asthetically pleasing at all. i am not going through pains to make different fonts and center my text or use correct grammar and punctuation. that is how i feel my life is at the moment. i cant fucking focus on anything important and i get hung up by the dumbest shit. what people think of my choices, what my friends say about eachother, and what i want out of life. at the moment, i dont give a shit if im dead, because quite honestly, the only time i enjoy living is when im with people i can relate to. not people that incessantly try to cheer me up, but people that listen to me speak. i have a serious fucking problem. clinical depression, whatever it may be, who fucking cares. i care more about getting pussy then my future. i care more about playing drums in the moment than doing well in school. people are starting to really piss me off. theres a limit to how annoying you can fucking be on a daily basis... maybe if you dont think i look happy or whatever, fucking leave me alone. i am in this unbelievably bad mood any time i interact with anybody these days... im questioning what i even want out of life.. it used to all clear cut and everything, but now it seems like i question my ability to preform and play and write, and speak with other people. maybe its the fact that my parents and peers are not supportive.. maybe its the fact that this country is so fucked up that artists dont get a fighting chance in any area of life.. maybe its the fact that my dad is so miserable, and tries to reassure himself that he likes his job by saying, if i dont shape up, im going to be the first to get drafted once the draft is reinstated. its shit like that that just fucking freaks me out. i am trying to let this all out in the most comprehensive way possible, and i really dont know how i am even functioning. im not tired, but i am not active. i dont feel like moving, i just feel like typing myself out in this stupid outlet for emo fucks. maybe i need drugs, and i need to feel like im taking risks. start ditching and writing my self notes... cheating on tests, and smoking pot. it just isnt fucking me, but maybe it is. honestly, half of the people i know regard me as a stoner when i have never been high in my life. i always thought i didnt need drugs to have a good time, and usually thats true.. but i feel.........

i am done writing. fuck this, and fuck you.

and yes, im overreacting, and im not even reacting to anything, i am in love with every girl i see, and i hate them just as much. something always turns me away, no matter what draws me in.

hugo, tyler, aryeh, drew... thanks for salvaging something out of my night.

my brain is such a fucking mess... i feel like such a spoiled bitch for acting like this

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