(no subject)
Why? Why does this happen to me? I'm not breathing as it is. Who or what did I piss off to make this keep happening to me? I feel like I'm being shot by a million arrows in every direction. Each one seems to be tipped with proving that I am some kind of monster. I am nothing but a facade, a pretty fucking face. Everyone seems to get that vibe that they're "attracted to me," I'm an "attractive person" well fuck all of you. Stop wasting my time. Maybe I'm attractive because I'm fragile as shit. I had my life subsequently torn out of me by the one person I was madly in love with, and he doesn't even care or will acknowledge me as a person no matter how much I care about him. I can't possibly stand to have all these other people come up and take another piece of what very little is left of me. I'm turning into the antithesis of a person, I fucking hate it. I feel like I'm never going to find a human being that will share all these imaginative experiences in life with me, and subsequently gives a shit about me as much as I care about them. I feel like I don't have a heart anymore. I'm becoming so bitterly agitated with people and am finding it so hard to even conceive of being close to another person again. Yet, stupid me, was wrapped up in another lying web of indecisiveness. It's not to much to ask to want one happy experience before you leave, and he leaves. Why is this over before it barely got off the ground. All I have done is be polite. Every person I've dated for the last 6 months. I have been polite, I've been nice, let things try to just happen, try not to be overwhelming, I've even tried just being myself and having fun and accepting different worlds I may not have walked into. Nothing. It's the absolute frustration, and I'm still perplexed by the idea of someone who said they loved me, and didn't tell me what happened to them over 3 stupid months that suddenly made them decide that they have to go out into the world and try to date and have sex with random people who mean nothing in a desperate attempt to see if there is something else real out there, despite how fucking comprehensively real I thought it was. God, I don't want to be like that and yet what did I do. I'm such a joke. I'm too easy to toy with and hurt. It's so fucked up too, I don't mind being alone, but I feel like after the traumatic experience of losing someone you cared about so much and thought they were going to be around for a long time, it's like a part of me is grasping for things to be real and tangible again. I feel like I'm full of childish upset feeling about things I don't understand, but how? How could he do that to me? Why does he treat me the way he does? Why come back and make me fall so much deeper in love with you that it's unbearable to get out when you were planning on packing it up and moving out from day one. I thought every one of those experiences meant something. I thought we were two people who connected on some ridiculous level of intimacy and understanding that it was some kind of fate that brought him across country to be with me. How could I have gotten it all so wrong? Fuck.
I need to get out of my head so badly. I'm on fire. I'm on fire.
I need to get out of my head so badly. I'm on fire. I'm on fire.