(no subject)
The year was 1988. The place was Reno, Nevada. The smell was the neighborhood Taco Bell burning to the ground after an angry mob lit said Bell ablaze after it ran out of tacos on Free Taco Tuesday. I was attending the annual convention of Hogan Family fans, aka The Hoganthon '88 at the Ramada Hotel. Conventions were nothing new to me, having done the con circuit back in my Silver Spoons days. Let it be known that despite being drunk off his ass, young Ricky Schroeder can still tackle an overzealous Spoons fan to the ground in seconds. But back to the story, I had my own room at the Ramada as did my colleague and chaperon Sandy Duncan. We were the only two from the cast who could make it, since the kids who played my little brothers had a soccer game and the dad guy was actually dead for the last two seasons of the show. We did a whole Weekend at Bernie's thing with him when taping the episodes and it proved surprisingly effective.
Anywho, after the first day of mixing it up with my fans and having more phone numbers and panties thrown my way than even I could possibly prepare for, I made it back to my room with plans of freshening up before making the dreams of an entire Girl Scout troop come true. "Bates," I heard a sultry voice beckon from somewhere within the confines of my darkened quarters, "care to visit your neighborhood Duncan Donut?" I turned on the lights and found to my horror Sandy Duncan sprawled out on my bed with nothing on by an unfastened Ramada robe and a smile. Beside her lay a half-finished bottle of tequila and...the eye. That cursed, porcelain demon. She had taken it out for some reason, my guess being that she had found some questionable use for that additional orifice. Regardless I was not having it and demanded she vacate before the Scouts arrive. "Aren't you a little old for Girl Scout cookies?" she purred, crawling across my bed while adjusting her eye-patch. "Easy there, Captain" I said, making light of her pirate-like appearance. That's when she got angry and clutched for her eye, threatening to heave the monstrosity my way. "You don't want to do that Sandy, you need that eye to see with" I pleaded, hoping her drunken state would allow her to agree. "NO I DON'T!" she shrieked and jumped off the bed, chasing me around the room with the wretched globe. That's when she began threatening to shove it up my butthole unless I gave her what she was after, but I refused, jumping over the bed in an effort to make it to the door.
I miscalculated the leap however and wound up flat on my face on the floor with my legs still on the bed, placing me awkwardly in prime position for Sandy's dastardly deed. She made short work of my trousers and before I could cry, "Ahoy, matey!" she had plunged that infernal sphere up my butthole. I cried out in agony and quickly hauled my violated ass out of there. It wasn't long after that that I found myself on the toilet, attempting to expel the eye from betwixt my cheeks. It eventually gave in to my Herculean efforts and I was able to fish the eye out of the murky toilet water with an aquarium net I always carry around in case of emergencies. I returned the eye to Sandy the next day after she had sobered up, and feeling the need to apologize explained, "This was up my butthole. You put it there." "That's okay," laughed Sandy, "it's not the first butthole it's been in".
Watch Arrested Development this Monday. It's all new and that ugly woman from Monster is on it. She doesn't look as ugly on our show, however, thanks to our stellar make-up people who somehow manage to up my handsome factor from a million to about a billion.
Anywho, after the first day of mixing it up with my fans and having more phone numbers and panties thrown my way than even I could possibly prepare for, I made it back to my room with plans of freshening up before making the dreams of an entire Girl Scout troop come true. "Bates," I heard a sultry voice beckon from somewhere within the confines of my darkened quarters, "care to visit your neighborhood Duncan Donut?" I turned on the lights and found to my horror Sandy Duncan sprawled out on my bed with nothing on by an unfastened Ramada robe and a smile. Beside her lay a half-finished bottle of tequila and...the eye. That cursed, porcelain demon. She had taken it out for some reason, my guess being that she had found some questionable use for that additional orifice. Regardless I was not having it and demanded she vacate before the Scouts arrive. "Aren't you a little old for Girl Scout cookies?" she purred, crawling across my bed while adjusting her eye-patch. "Easy there, Captain" I said, making light of her pirate-like appearance. That's when she got angry and clutched for her eye, threatening to heave the monstrosity my way. "You don't want to do that Sandy, you need that eye to see with" I pleaded, hoping her drunken state would allow her to agree. "NO I DON'T!" she shrieked and jumped off the bed, chasing me around the room with the wretched globe. That's when she began threatening to shove it up my butthole unless I gave her what she was after, but I refused, jumping over the bed in an effort to make it to the door.
I miscalculated the leap however and wound up flat on my face on the floor with my legs still on the bed, placing me awkwardly in prime position for Sandy's dastardly deed. She made short work of my trousers and before I could cry, "Ahoy, matey!" she had plunged that infernal sphere up my butthole. I cried out in agony and quickly hauled my violated ass out of there. It wasn't long after that that I found myself on the toilet, attempting to expel the eye from betwixt my cheeks. It eventually gave in to my Herculean efforts and I was able to fish the eye out of the murky toilet water with an aquarium net I always carry around in case of emergencies. I returned the eye to Sandy the next day after she had sobered up, and feeling the need to apologize explained, "This was up my butthole. You put it there." "That's okay," laughed Sandy, "it's not the first butthole it's been in".
Watch Arrested Development this Monday. It's all new and that ugly woman from Monster is on it. She doesn't look as ugly on our show, however, thanks to our stellar make-up people who somehow manage to up my handsome factor from a million to about a billion.