(no subject)
Remember when we all thought growing up was going to be awesome? I always looked forward to it. I always tried to be as grown up and mature as I could be. And in doing so I missed out on possibly the most carefree and fun times of my life.
It's cliche, but I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself not to be so afraid to open up and talk to people. Don't be so damn scared. Quit being so self conscious and insecure. Quit trying to blend in and start trying to stand out. You're a lot smarter than you think you are. You're not as worthless or useless as you think you are.
Had anyone told me that I would still have feelings of despair and loneliness into my early 20's I wouldn't have believed them. Had anyone told me that I still wouldn't have a relationship in my early 20's I wouldn't have believed them. Had anyone told me that my mom would be paralyzed from a stroke and I would be the only child in the family to really take care of her after the fact, I wouldn't have believed them.
I just wish all of that wasn't true.
But it is.
I'm finding it difficult to cope with.
It seems as though I have to become the leader when I don't really want to, but I guess I'm just going to have to get used to that.
It's even bothering me that my brother has chosen to go down the same career path as me (networking technology) even though he said he was going to go into programming. I've always wanted to go into networking since I was freshman in high school. But this just seems like he's copying off of me. Kind of like when my younger brother bought a guitar after seeing me playing mine for a few weeks when I started back in 2006. He wanted me to teach him how to play, but I was all "nope" since I was just learning myself and teaching myself... He ended up returning it.
And I guess I kind of snapped today when I saw my friend Genevieve and her boyfriend dropping off my brother at our house tonight. Yesterday I was supposed to go over to her house and catch up since I haven't really been able to talk to her because I work two jobs; she was supposed to text me when I was able to come over but I never got a response back. It kind of irks me that my younger brother was hanging with her and a few other friends tonight. Go get your own friends and stop mooching off my friendships.
How pathetic am I?
It's cliche, but I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself not to be so afraid to open up and talk to people. Don't be so damn scared. Quit being so self conscious and insecure. Quit trying to blend in and start trying to stand out. You're a lot smarter than you think you are. You're not as worthless or useless as you think you are.
Had anyone told me that I would still have feelings of despair and loneliness into my early 20's I wouldn't have believed them. Had anyone told me that I still wouldn't have a relationship in my early 20's I wouldn't have believed them. Had anyone told me that my mom would be paralyzed from a stroke and I would be the only child in the family to really take care of her after the fact, I wouldn't have believed them.
I just wish all of that wasn't true.
But it is.
I'm finding it difficult to cope with.
It seems as though I have to become the leader when I don't really want to, but I guess I'm just going to have to get used to that.
It's even bothering me that my brother has chosen to go down the same career path as me (networking technology) even though he said he was going to go into programming. I've always wanted to go into networking since I was freshman in high school. But this just seems like he's copying off of me. Kind of like when my younger brother bought a guitar after seeing me playing mine for a few weeks when I started back in 2006. He wanted me to teach him how to play, but I was all "nope" since I was just learning myself and teaching myself... He ended up returning it.
And I guess I kind of snapped today when I saw my friend Genevieve and her boyfriend dropping off my brother at our house tonight. Yesterday I was supposed to go over to her house and catch up since I haven't really been able to talk to her because I work two jobs; she was supposed to text me when I was able to come over but I never got a response back. It kind of irks me that my younger brother was hanging with her and a few other friends tonight. Go get your own friends and stop mooching off my friendships.
How pathetic am I?