Driving Myself Crazy...

[jasmins]

I think I've been thinking way too much, and watching too many love stories, listening to too many sad songs. It's definitely dampening my spirits. But I know that it wasn't just because of that, I know that what I'd experienced in the past couple of months definitely have something to do with it. I also know that my horrible personal insecurities play a big role in this feeling of sorrow. But it's just like I'm searching for something great and I need to fulfill a hole that's within the deepest depth of my heart. To leave this hole unfilled and empty would mean a sorrow so great, I probably would not survive it. The only problem is, I know that what I want, what I so desperately want and need right now is absolutely impossible. For my heart is set on someone that is unreachable, that was not meant for me. And although I can dream and fantasize about all the glories of love stories and romantic songs, the happy endings which the characters experience are not something that is meant or will ever happen to me.

Typically, I would say having found an unicorn is probably the most depressing and spirit killing thing. But for me, your quentessential hopeless romantic, having found an unicorn is profoundly tragic yet movingly romantic. I think that right now, given my insecurity issues, my intimacy problems, and my ever growing fear of loving or being loved by someone, admiring an "unicorn" from afar is just what the doctor ordered. Yes I am aware this will be risky and I'll probably cause myself lots of disappointment and heartache, but if I go in expecting those things, then at least I won't have any surprises, right?

For now, I'm content with my little disappointing experiment...