(no subject)
I'm sooo tired... I'm still trying to recover from the weekend. I had such a great time at Dave's this weekend with Rachel and Mel and the other guys who are usually there. I even hung out with Jenny, Vito's ex for a while. I thought it would be a lot more akward than it was, but I had seen her at their house a few days prior to, and we squashed any animosity right away. When I got there last week, Dave asked me if I minded seeing her, and i said no. When I saw her we were nice and cordial, but it felt forced, so right away I apologized, told her she was right about how Vito was, and tried to explain to her and make her believe that I never tried anything with Vito when they were together. She said either way it didn't matter because that was the past and what not... But I swear on all that is Holy, that I did nothing to try and end their relationship when they were together. Vito didn't even tell me that they had broken up until about 3 weeks after, and while they were together, I'd try to give him advice on how to fix things. Jenny and I had been friends for years but she was convinced that I was trying to steal her boyfriend- which was not the case at all... well, of course I wanted to sleep with him ( i had since we hung out in Wasaga- he was quite charming and hot) but nothing came of it because he was my friend's boyfriend. It must have looked really bad though because we did get together after they were done. Jenny sat there for months bad mouthinG me to no end with Vito, trying to get him to leave me and go back to her, but it didn't work ( in retrospect, I wish he had!!) Anyways, the whole point was I could have told Vito all about Jenny and how she cheated on him a few times with Bill McL, Rich and who who knows who else- but it wasn't my place. I think it may have come up in our fights recently but it wasn't an issue because they had been broken up for awhile, and it was said in passing... But anyways, regardless of who said what, who did this, who believes who, it's all in the past, and i think, from what I saw over the weekend, Jenny feels the same way... Que sera, que sera....
I hung out with Rich for awhile this weekend as well. he seems to be happy and doing well for himself, which is nice to see.I told him about what has happened over the last few months, with the hospital and what not, and he listened as he always has done. He was telling me that only God can judge, he cannot pass judgement. At one point while we were talking he told me that he forgives me for everything that I've done. My response?Yeah right. And he said, no seriously, I have forgiven you for everything. I just kept saying yeah right, started to cry and changed the subject- I wasn't in the mood for a breakdown. I just wanted to have a nice time.... How can this guy forgive me? We dated on and off for 5 years, we were engaged at one point, we have lived together, I've cheated on him, I've fought him (he never fought back), broke his heart how many times and then I got pregnant and had an abortion. And he can sit there and say that he's forgiven me?? Come on now, I know him better than that. I've known him for 8 years and there is no way that he's forgiven me for all of that... Well, I've been hurt by others before and I've gotten over it, so maybe it is possible...Well, except for the abortion, I know that no matter what, he will never forgive me for that. I barely forgive MYSELF for that... gawd, not a day goes by where it doens't enter my head at least once.. it sucks.. IT SUCKS HUGE... how do you get over something like that? I know enough people who have gone through it, and everyone hurts from it from what I see... it just crappy.. oh well... the choices I've made were made for a reson... It was the right thing to do at the time, I know this for sure, but I can't help but wonder how things would be if I had a 4 year old right now... my son/daughter would be the same age as Stefano, Caleb adn Joshua... other people were able to do it with less means than me, so why did I think it was impossible at the time???? God, I'm going to drive myself crazy......
I hung out with Rich for awhile this weekend as well. he seems to be happy and doing well for himself, which is nice to see.I told him about what has happened over the last few months, with the hospital and what not, and he listened as he always has done. He was telling me that only God can judge, he cannot pass judgement. At one point while we were talking he told me that he forgives me for everything that I've done. My response?Yeah right. And he said, no seriously, I have forgiven you for everything. I just kept saying yeah right, started to cry and changed the subject- I wasn't in the mood for a breakdown. I just wanted to have a nice time.... How can this guy forgive me? We dated on and off for 5 years, we were engaged at one point, we have lived together, I've cheated on him, I've fought him (he never fought back), broke his heart how many times and then I got pregnant and had an abortion. And he can sit there and say that he's forgiven me?? Come on now, I know him better than that. I've known him for 8 years and there is no way that he's forgiven me for all of that... Well, I've been hurt by others before and I've gotten over it, so maybe it is possible...Well, except for the abortion, I know that no matter what, he will never forgive me for that. I barely forgive MYSELF for that... gawd, not a day goes by where it doens't enter my head at least once.. it sucks.. IT SUCKS HUGE... how do you get over something like that? I know enough people who have gone through it, and everyone hurts from it from what I see... it just crappy.. oh well... the choices I've made were made for a reson... It was the right thing to do at the time, I know this for sure, but I can't help but wonder how things would be if I had a 4 year old right now... my son/daughter would be the same age as Stefano, Caleb adn Joshua... other people were able to do it with less means than me, so why did I think it was impossible at the time???? God, I'm going to drive myself crazy......