Every choice has a consequence...

[jasmina_7]

Life is full of choices... every single day we are faced with decisions to make; big ones, little ones, ones that are life changing, ones that haunt you forever.... Well, here i sit, at 30 years old, constantly afraid that im never going to be able to have any kids. I did get pregnant twice, in the span of 10 months when i was 20-21 and I was too terrified to go through with it because of the drugs i was using at the time.. Well, with the second pregnancy, they technician for the ultra sound couldn't confirm viability, and advised me that i'd most likely have a miscarriage anyways and i was in the midst of a break up and was still using drugs- but fact of the matter was i was selfish. Not one single day has gone by (and i am SERIOUS when i say not a ONE) that i dont play out different scenarios in my head if i had continued with the pregnancy... where i dont wish i had made a different choice, where i dont regret my decision.. That is a lot of built up emotions to carry within you for ten years.. and i don't see it dissipating anytime soon.. I don't even know at this point if i can have kids anymore... My cycle was screwed up for years (even before i got pregnant) but, with partners that i have been serious with i havent really been too careful and i havent gotten pregnant again.. By this time in my life, i had wanted to have 3 kids and enjoy being a mom, regardless of what trials and tribulations come with it. Regardless of what parts of my life id lose in having a kid, it would sooo be worth it.. Ever since i knew that women had babies, ive wanted to be a mom.. and i hate myself for possibly losing my chance because i made a very difficult choice, the wrong choice... But as they say everything happens for a reason, i just wish that i could have done more with my life by this point- it would have been one thing for me to have done great things with my life over this past decade, things that wouldve been very difficult or near impossible had i had kids, but fact of the matter is, i havent accomplished anything. I hopped around from one job to another, one guy to another (all of them abusive in some way), one relationship to another (all of them toxic in some way), never went back to school to get post secondary, kept using, started using even harder, lost friends, family, got arrested, did things i am not proud of, embarrassed myself, my parents and family, got hugely in debt...
Right now though, i am at a place where i can say wholeheartedly, that i am no longer that fuck up i feel i was for about 10 years or so... is it possible that i was on a path of self destruction because of the hate i had for myself?? Who knows.. With another friend having a beautiful healthy baby, part of me feels a bit hopeful.. I think all those negative days and choices are behind me, but the scars they left will probably be there for awhile, if not forever.... I guess i should be thankful for making it through all those rough days and years.. a lot of people dont make it through.. I am out of debt, i am healthy, i am off the drugs, im in a pretty healthy relationship, i have gained the trust back from family and friends, and i am holding down a job i love and will be moving out on my own again in the next few months.. I have accomplished all of this because of choices i have made too... i guess consequences aren't always a bad thing :) ♥