(no subject)
So its the last of the month.... which means that finally i can give back my keys to the silvercreek apartment today... I would like to thank everyone who gave me a hand in finishing it up- from removing stuff when i first left the bastard to cleaning to patching up the holes to throwing stuff away while I was at work.. I do not know what I would have done if it wasn't for all of you.. actually, ya i do.. i probably woud have thrown myself off the balcony! But seriously.. I wouldn't have been able to handle it.. The last major clean, when there was 4 sets of hands helping to get it accomplished, was pretty rough- because A) i've just found out for the first time in AGES that cleaning sober BLOWS - hence where the vodka came in hehehe but still not the same as flying *sigh*... and B) it became a mental clusterfuck because its the end of the whole shit ive been dealing with for over a year... With each swipe of my cloth on the cabinets, all i could think was how much hate i have for my ex.. I mean seriously.. how many times have i been fucked by this guy? Every negative feeling i had about him just came to a head and i didnt know how to deal with it besides swearing repeatedly and cussing him out... and i REALLY do not know enough insults, because i wound up having to recycle the same ones over and over again.. which was still effective, but not quite as 'colorful' as i would have liked... But ya... i was really upset at one point and mel came and spoke to me about it- i just feel like such a loser for putting myself through all that crap for so long, and now i feel like a loser for letting it all get to me.. Mels comments were very positive about how it took a lot to leave him and to get out of the situation that i felt so stuck in.. and ya, im paying for it in so many ways (figuratively and litteraly) but imagine where i'd be if i hadn't left? i'd probably weigh about 90lbs, be lookin like a junkie and still be absolutely miserable every day all day..i've had a few people tell me that i was headed straight for an OD.. which is probably true.. when you mix uppers and downers continuously to try to maintain a balance, somethings going to go wrong.. ESPECIALLY when you throw depression and booze into the mix... but thats all behind me now. And you're damn right that it was hard to do.. not because i was still in love with him or still held any glimmer of hope that things would improve- because lets face it- i wasn't in love with him anymore, and there was NO chance of the situation improving.. but because i had pushed every single person who gave a shit about me out of my life.. and when there's no one left to get help from, what the hell are yousuppsed to do?? I guess i figured it out because i'm back at my folks' and am on my way out of debt... I am going to the apt after work to give them most of the money thats left and to get the last couple of things out of there... and then it'll be one more awful chapter in my life that i can close and walk away from.... thank god.