I remember
Title: I remember
Author: jasmin0304
Pairing: SiChul
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Character death
Summary: HeeChul never told SiWon he was going to die. He only left him a letter.
With long steps SiWon approached the white wooden door. The steps on the floor made echo, almost like he was walking in an uninhabited house. When he arrived in front of the room his strong hands reached out for the cold door handle, and he pushed the door open. He took a deep breath and went inside the bedroom.
The air inside was cold, almost strange, and it embraced him greedily. It was so empty and lost, longing after a future, which never would happen. Despite the emptiness the air felt heavy, full of dreams that ended far too early.
SiWon inhaled deeply again. He had almost forgot to breathe, just standing frozen to the ground, staring on a blank spot on the wall.
The pictures on the wall brought him back to life again, and a sad smile covered his face. They showed him and HeeChul sharing happy memories. Memories that he always would remember, but they stayed clearer in his memory with those pictures.
SiWon stretched out his hand and touched the hard, transparent glass that secured the photography. His fingers stroked over HeeChul's pouting face.
SiWon remembered what had happened that day and he laughed softly for himself thinking about it. That day HeeChul had definitely woken up on the wrong side of the bed. Everything had seemed to go against him to make his day as bad as possible.
First he had hit his toe on the way out of his bedroom, and then when he made his breakfast he managed to cut his finger. On the way to work he got stuck in a queue and when he finally arrived, his boss told him to stay at work for one hour longer, doing some boring paperwork.
At the end of the day HeeChul was tired and irritated, and he didn't really want to meet SiWon although he had promised him it. The desire of not wanting to hurt SiWon made him go nonetheless and after all, that meeting brightened his day, at least what was left of the day.
That night, HeeChul went to bed in a much happier state than when he had got up that morning. HeeChul went to bed with a smile, because earlier on the day SiWon had asked HeeChul to move in with him. And his answer had consisted of three letters and it rhymed with the word 'press'. SiWon had come to him like the sun on a rainy day and brightened the sky for him. Now he would be able to wake up and go to bed with this shining sun everyday.
SiWon sighed shakily. Such a little memory, someone would maybe say insignificant, but to him it was precious.
HeeChul.
HeeChul. A man with a unique personality. Nobody else SiWon knew was like HeeChul. His mood could change from bouncing happy to pissed off in a blink of an eye. He could say mean things to people, and to SiWon as well. Actually SiWon was more used to hear derogatory comments coming out of that perfectly shaped mouth of HeeChul's, but SiWon knew that in his heart HeeChul was a person that loved and cared for people. He just didn't always say it.
HeeChul. I miss you.
SiWon stepped back, his hand sliding down and he stood in the middle of the room again. He walked the few steps over to HeeChul’s bed and sat down without a sound. The bed was made flawless and no one had touched it in a long time. The bed sheets were dark red and perhaps the most colorful spot in the room.
SiWon grabbed the pillow and hugged it carefully, like if it was HeeChul he was embracing. He buried his face in the fabric and the sent of HeeChul was there still. While exhaling again, his gaze fell on a letter lying on the nightstand beside the bed.
The letter. He had seen it a long time ago, but he hadn’t dared to open and read it, not even touch it. What the letter was saying, he didn’t know, but what he did know was that whatever it said, it would make a change.
His outstretched hand took the envelope and he looked at it, admiring HeeChul’s beautiful handwriting. On the front HeeChul had written SiWon’s full name, and on the back he had drawn a tiny heart. The envelope was plain white and looked like any other normal envelopes did.
The letter inside was two sheets of paper folded in half, so that you couldn’t see what was written on them. SiWon unfolded the first sheet and smiled when he saw his name again. “Should I really read it?” he wondered. Why shouldn’t he? HeeChul had written it to him, so that of course meant he was the one who should read it. SiWon took a deep breath and started reading:
“To my SiWon
When you are reading this I’m dead.
That is words I never thought I would say, words I don’t like to tell you and words no one should need to hear. But it’s true. And to tell the truth is important, a key in a relationship.
I’m sorry I lied to you, I really am. The promise I gave to you about never lying is broken, but now it’s too late to be angry with me. Maybe you have been angry and upset or even are it right now, and that is something I caused. I know that, but it is important that you read this letter till the end.”
SiWon looked sadly down on the letter in his hands. He felt sorry for HeeChul worrying so much, but it was true, he had been upset. Though he hadn’t been angry with HeeChul. To hate him was something he could never do.
“Let me begin from the day I met you. You already know what happened from that day and forward, but I want to tell you it nevertheless.
We met on a freezing cold winters day two years ago. I was out walking, to get some fresh air, because I had just been sitting inside the whole day and my head began to feel heavy. Actually I wasn’t sure if I really should go out, maybe I would slip and fall on the ice underneath the snow. I was debating myself whether to go or not, but finally I decided to take the chance. I’m glad I did go out that day, and I know you are too.
If I hadn’t gone out that day, I would never have become cold and gone to the café to get something warm to drink. I would never have met you.
Believing in faith is something I normally not do, but I’m almost willing to say that we were meant to meet that day. It really seems like a cliché when I think about it…
After I had been walking around in the park a little, and, yes, I almost fell a hundred times, I was shaking like a leaf in the autumn. I was considering if I should just lie down on the snow-covered ground and freeze to death, but instead I went to the café a few minutes from the park.
The door to the café made a loud, shrieking noise as I opened it, but I had been to the café many times already, and I knew they wouldn’t bother to fix the door.
The noisy door didn't surprise me because I often visited the place, either to get a cup of coffee or hot chocolate or something to eat. Sometimes I was in a hurry before I went to work. Other times I went there with my friends in the weekends.
You told me one time that you also used to go to the café, but strangely enough I couldn't remember to have seen you there before.
I was standing in the long queue, waiting to order a large cup of hot chocolate, when I took off my woolly hat and accidentally dropped it. As I bent down to pick it up again, you, who stood in front of me in the queue, did the same. You were faster than me (You had been in the café longer than me, hence you were faster, because you weren't a brick of ice like me. You cheater.) and you picked it up and gave it to me."
SiWon's mouth formed a smile as he read the last sentences. HeeChul never liked to admit that people were faster or better than him on anything, and that was something SiWon thought would bother him, but it hadn't.
"I took my woolly hat from your giving hands, and that’s when I first glanced at your face. From the color of your nose, bright red, like Rudolph the reindeer, I could see that you had been out in the cold just recently as well. A light blue woolly hat with a tassel on the top was on your head, and the color suited your and all, but allow me to say your looked quite silly. Silly and childish in a cute way. You were smiling and a small smile spread across my face as well. Too bad you couldn’t see it, since the lower half of my face was hidden by a scarf, but now you know.
Instead of starting a conversation with you, I just said ‘thank you’ and told you to order your food and drink. After all you were in front of me and I was hungry, thirsty and freezing.
We both ordered our drinks and we sat down at separate tables. I didn’t think I would see you or talk to you again, not before I was going to get my order that was ready, and I walked up to the place where everyone came to get their food or drink.
I stretched my hand out when your hands suddenly were there again. Also this time you were faster than me and grabbed the cup before I did.
“Hey, brat, that’s mine!” I complained.
“I’m sorry but I think this is mine.” you said confused.
I was going to tell you again that, no, that one was mine, when one of the waiter came over to us and sat another cup of hot chocolate in front of us. He told me that one was mine and I just thanked and you chuckled at my mistake. You took your drink and your cake, which you had ordered too, and you asked a bit shyly if I wanted to sit with you.
Casually I shrugged and followed after you to the table you had chosen, near the window.
After we had been sitting, not talking, for a little while you all of a sudden asked if I wanted to have a piece of your cake. Kindly, I shook my head and rejected the offer, although I was pretty hungry. You still insisted and told me to at least taste it and I’m glad I didn’t turn down your offer a second time. I would have starved.
Again we fell silent. We just ate, drank and looked out the window, on all the poor people who, unlike us, were out cursing the cold weather ruining their skin. The times I thought you weren’t looking I glanced over at your face and I had to bite my lip to stifle a giggle; the expression in your face looked like you were trying to solve a difficult calculation. Oh, and by the way, you look really cute with whipped cream on your lips!”
SiWon licked his lips, like HeeChul had just been there right now and said those words to him. “You looked cute like that too.” SiWon whispered and cleared his throat before he began to read again.
“We spoke some more; not about our family and just a little of our personal lives. Mostly the subject of conversation was the weather and what we liked to do and eat. You said you liked JapChae, I recall.
The time I made JapChae for you, I felt really proud, and you enjoyed the meal too, didn’t you? The vegetables were cooked just right and the meat was quite tasty; you told me that several times during the meal. That day you made me very happy and I felt appreciated.”
Yes, SiWon could retrieve that memory. The meal HeeChul had made for him had been quite impressing. As far as he knew HeeChul wasn’t someone who was very good in the kitchen, but that particular day he was. SiWon couldn’t remember if HeeChul had made dinner or any other meals on his own, but they had made meals together.
“You always had and I hope you will always have the ability to take care of everyone around you and make them feel safe. Always, you did that to me, and even though I had a lot of sides of my personality you didn’t like very much, you always encouraged me to be myself.
We have gone through a lot of good days and bad days and I would like to tell you my side of the experiences, but it would take too long and I don’t have much time left.
There is still one day I can’t refrain from telling you about. And I think you know which day I’m alluding to; the day you told me you loved me.
It was in the evening and we had just been to the café where we met the first time. The air outside was hot, but not sultry, and the summer was on its way. This time we had not been drinking cocoa, we had shared a big strawberry milkshake.
To go for a walk afterwards was your suggestion and I didn’t turn your offer down. As we walked, I wanted to hold your hand but you were too busy keeping them in your pockets, and searching for courage to say what was on your mind.
We stopped on the top of a street where we could see the whole town and the waves that drowsily curled inward on the beach. The sunset colored the sky in a deep shade of pink and orange and we stood there, all alone and admired the sight before us.
Suddenly you took my hands and made me look at you. You caught my eyes with yours and took a deep breath. “I…” you began. “HeeChul, I love you.” you said, while still looking me in the eyes. I had been dreaming of that moment, imagined how it would feel, but when it finally happened it was different. Better.
The way you looked me in the eyes and not just whispered it, but said it steadily, made me believe you; that this was from the bottom of your heart.
You probably know by now why I’m not there with you, why I’m dead and gone. I have heard about everyone who gets cancer, but I never thought I would be one of them. Until the moment I went to the doctor and got the diagnose, I had never felt any pain or noticed any symptoms of a disease. And I had never imagined how serious it would be, that I couldn’t be saved.
The intention with this letter is mainly to tell you why I didn’t tell you that I was going to die, when I was still alive.
When the doctors told me there was no chance for me to survive, the cancer had gone too far, the first thing that came to my head was you. How could I tell you that you would soon be alone? That there would be no you and me, only you? I couldn’t bear it.
I told you to visit your family; it had been a while since you had seen them. I told you to stay with them, and to stay with them for a long time. You didn’t doubt my idea then, but maybe you thought it was a little weird how I suddenly pushed you away.
The reason why I told you to leave was because I couldn’t think of having you there, as I would become weaker and weaker and you wouldn’t know why.”
SiWon looked up from the letter, his heart beating faster as he got to know HeeChul’s feelings and thoughts, and his eyes found their way to the closed window. He could hear cheering from happy school kids playing soccer outside in the sun. It felt so strange, almost ironic, to hear someone so happy, when he was feeling the opposite.
He understood HeeChul better now, but it was still unbelievable, the things that had happened lately. SiWon closed his eyes and silent tears fell down on his cheeks. He wanted to dry them off on the fabric on his sweater but he chose to just let them fall as he continued reading despite his slightly blurry sight.
“Now, when I die I will have a mental picture of a smiling, happy you on my mind and that is what I want. I want to remember you as the glowing person you are and I want you to remember me as the one I always was.
Maybe, when time goes, your memory of me will fade and disappear. Perhaps I will be replaced and you will find someone else to share your life with, but that’s all right. All I want is you to be happy.
Whatever you choose to do in the future, just remember this: Let us always stay in your heart. Let us never die...
I love you.
- HeeChul”
Author: jasmin0304
Pairing: SiChul
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Character death
Summary: HeeChul never told SiWon he was going to die. He only left him a letter.
With long steps SiWon approached the white wooden door. The steps on the floor made echo, almost like he was walking in an uninhabited house. When he arrived in front of the room his strong hands reached out for the cold door handle, and he pushed the door open. He took a deep breath and went inside the bedroom.
The air inside was cold, almost strange, and it embraced him greedily. It was so empty and lost, longing after a future, which never would happen. Despite the emptiness the air felt heavy, full of dreams that ended far too early.
SiWon inhaled deeply again. He had almost forgot to breathe, just standing frozen to the ground, staring on a blank spot on the wall.
The pictures on the wall brought him back to life again, and a sad smile covered his face. They showed him and HeeChul sharing happy memories. Memories that he always would remember, but they stayed clearer in his memory with those pictures.
SiWon stretched out his hand and touched the hard, transparent glass that secured the photography. His fingers stroked over HeeChul's pouting face.
SiWon remembered what had happened that day and he laughed softly for himself thinking about it. That day HeeChul had definitely woken up on the wrong side of the bed. Everything had seemed to go against him to make his day as bad as possible.
First he had hit his toe on the way out of his bedroom, and then when he made his breakfast he managed to cut his finger. On the way to work he got stuck in a queue and when he finally arrived, his boss told him to stay at work for one hour longer, doing some boring paperwork.
At the end of the day HeeChul was tired and irritated, and he didn't really want to meet SiWon although he had promised him it. The desire of not wanting to hurt SiWon made him go nonetheless and after all, that meeting brightened his day, at least what was left of the day.
That night, HeeChul went to bed in a much happier state than when he had got up that morning. HeeChul went to bed with a smile, because earlier on the day SiWon had asked HeeChul to move in with him. And his answer had consisted of three letters and it rhymed with the word 'press'. SiWon had come to him like the sun on a rainy day and brightened the sky for him. Now he would be able to wake up and go to bed with this shining sun everyday.
SiWon sighed shakily. Such a little memory, someone would maybe say insignificant, but to him it was precious.
HeeChul.
HeeChul. A man with a unique personality. Nobody else SiWon knew was like HeeChul. His mood could change from bouncing happy to pissed off in a blink of an eye. He could say mean things to people, and to SiWon as well. Actually SiWon was more used to hear derogatory comments coming out of that perfectly shaped mouth of HeeChul's, but SiWon knew that in his heart HeeChul was a person that loved and cared for people. He just didn't always say it.
HeeChul. I miss you.
SiWon stepped back, his hand sliding down and he stood in the middle of the room again. He walked the few steps over to HeeChul’s bed and sat down without a sound. The bed was made flawless and no one had touched it in a long time. The bed sheets were dark red and perhaps the most colorful spot in the room.
SiWon grabbed the pillow and hugged it carefully, like if it was HeeChul he was embracing. He buried his face in the fabric and the sent of HeeChul was there still. While exhaling again, his gaze fell on a letter lying on the nightstand beside the bed.
The letter. He had seen it a long time ago, but he hadn’t dared to open and read it, not even touch it. What the letter was saying, he didn’t know, but what he did know was that whatever it said, it would make a change.
His outstretched hand took the envelope and he looked at it, admiring HeeChul’s beautiful handwriting. On the front HeeChul had written SiWon’s full name, and on the back he had drawn a tiny heart. The envelope was plain white and looked like any other normal envelopes did.
The letter inside was two sheets of paper folded in half, so that you couldn’t see what was written on them. SiWon unfolded the first sheet and smiled when he saw his name again. “Should I really read it?” he wondered. Why shouldn’t he? HeeChul had written it to him, so that of course meant he was the one who should read it. SiWon took a deep breath and started reading:
“To my SiWon
When you are reading this I’m dead.
That is words I never thought I would say, words I don’t like to tell you and words no one should need to hear. But it’s true. And to tell the truth is important, a key in a relationship.
I’m sorry I lied to you, I really am. The promise I gave to you about never lying is broken, but now it’s too late to be angry with me. Maybe you have been angry and upset or even are it right now, and that is something I caused. I know that, but it is important that you read this letter till the end.”
SiWon looked sadly down on the letter in his hands. He felt sorry for HeeChul worrying so much, but it was true, he had been upset. Though he hadn’t been angry with HeeChul. To hate him was something he could never do.
“Let me begin from the day I met you. You already know what happened from that day and forward, but I want to tell you it nevertheless.
We met on a freezing cold winters day two years ago. I was out walking, to get some fresh air, because I had just been sitting inside the whole day and my head began to feel heavy. Actually I wasn’t sure if I really should go out, maybe I would slip and fall on the ice underneath the snow. I was debating myself whether to go or not, but finally I decided to take the chance. I’m glad I did go out that day, and I know you are too.
If I hadn’t gone out that day, I would never have become cold and gone to the café to get something warm to drink. I would never have met you.
Believing in faith is something I normally not do, but I’m almost willing to say that we were meant to meet that day. It really seems like a cliché when I think about it…
After I had been walking around in the park a little, and, yes, I almost fell a hundred times, I was shaking like a leaf in the autumn. I was considering if I should just lie down on the snow-covered ground and freeze to death, but instead I went to the café a few minutes from the park.
The door to the café made a loud, shrieking noise as I opened it, but I had been to the café many times already, and I knew they wouldn’t bother to fix the door.
The noisy door didn't surprise me because I often visited the place, either to get a cup of coffee or hot chocolate or something to eat. Sometimes I was in a hurry before I went to work. Other times I went there with my friends in the weekends.
You told me one time that you also used to go to the café, but strangely enough I couldn't remember to have seen you there before.
I was standing in the long queue, waiting to order a large cup of hot chocolate, when I took off my woolly hat and accidentally dropped it. As I bent down to pick it up again, you, who stood in front of me in the queue, did the same. You were faster than me (You had been in the café longer than me, hence you were faster, because you weren't a brick of ice like me. You cheater.) and you picked it up and gave it to me."
SiWon's mouth formed a smile as he read the last sentences. HeeChul never liked to admit that people were faster or better than him on anything, and that was something SiWon thought would bother him, but it hadn't.
"I took my woolly hat from your giving hands, and that’s when I first glanced at your face. From the color of your nose, bright red, like Rudolph the reindeer, I could see that you had been out in the cold just recently as well. A light blue woolly hat with a tassel on the top was on your head, and the color suited your and all, but allow me to say your looked quite silly. Silly and childish in a cute way. You were smiling and a small smile spread across my face as well. Too bad you couldn’t see it, since the lower half of my face was hidden by a scarf, but now you know.
Instead of starting a conversation with you, I just said ‘thank you’ and told you to order your food and drink. After all you were in front of me and I was hungry, thirsty and freezing.
We both ordered our drinks and we sat down at separate tables. I didn’t think I would see you or talk to you again, not before I was going to get my order that was ready, and I walked up to the place where everyone came to get their food or drink.
I stretched my hand out when your hands suddenly were there again. Also this time you were faster than me and grabbed the cup before I did.
“Hey, brat, that’s mine!” I complained.
“I’m sorry but I think this is mine.” you said confused.
I was going to tell you again that, no, that one was mine, when one of the waiter came over to us and sat another cup of hot chocolate in front of us. He told me that one was mine and I just thanked and you chuckled at my mistake. You took your drink and your cake, which you had ordered too, and you asked a bit shyly if I wanted to sit with you.
Casually I shrugged and followed after you to the table you had chosen, near the window.
After we had been sitting, not talking, for a little while you all of a sudden asked if I wanted to have a piece of your cake. Kindly, I shook my head and rejected the offer, although I was pretty hungry. You still insisted and told me to at least taste it and I’m glad I didn’t turn down your offer a second time. I would have starved.
Again we fell silent. We just ate, drank and looked out the window, on all the poor people who, unlike us, were out cursing the cold weather ruining their skin. The times I thought you weren’t looking I glanced over at your face and I had to bite my lip to stifle a giggle; the expression in your face looked like you were trying to solve a difficult calculation. Oh, and by the way, you look really cute with whipped cream on your lips!”
SiWon licked his lips, like HeeChul had just been there right now and said those words to him. “You looked cute like that too.” SiWon whispered and cleared his throat before he began to read again.
“We spoke some more; not about our family and just a little of our personal lives. Mostly the subject of conversation was the weather and what we liked to do and eat. You said you liked JapChae, I recall.
The time I made JapChae for you, I felt really proud, and you enjoyed the meal too, didn’t you? The vegetables were cooked just right and the meat was quite tasty; you told me that several times during the meal. That day you made me very happy and I felt appreciated.”
Yes, SiWon could retrieve that memory. The meal HeeChul had made for him had been quite impressing. As far as he knew HeeChul wasn’t someone who was very good in the kitchen, but that particular day he was. SiWon couldn’t remember if HeeChul had made dinner or any other meals on his own, but they had made meals together.
“You always had and I hope you will always have the ability to take care of everyone around you and make them feel safe. Always, you did that to me, and even though I had a lot of sides of my personality you didn’t like very much, you always encouraged me to be myself.
We have gone through a lot of good days and bad days and I would like to tell you my side of the experiences, but it would take too long and I don’t have much time left.
There is still one day I can’t refrain from telling you about. And I think you know which day I’m alluding to; the day you told me you loved me.
It was in the evening and we had just been to the café where we met the first time. The air outside was hot, but not sultry, and the summer was on its way. This time we had not been drinking cocoa, we had shared a big strawberry milkshake.
To go for a walk afterwards was your suggestion and I didn’t turn your offer down. As we walked, I wanted to hold your hand but you were too busy keeping them in your pockets, and searching for courage to say what was on your mind.
We stopped on the top of a street where we could see the whole town and the waves that drowsily curled inward on the beach. The sunset colored the sky in a deep shade of pink and orange and we stood there, all alone and admired the sight before us.
Suddenly you took my hands and made me look at you. You caught my eyes with yours and took a deep breath. “I…” you began. “HeeChul, I love you.” you said, while still looking me in the eyes. I had been dreaming of that moment, imagined how it would feel, but when it finally happened it was different. Better.
The way you looked me in the eyes and not just whispered it, but said it steadily, made me believe you; that this was from the bottom of your heart.
You probably know by now why I’m not there with you, why I’m dead and gone. I have heard about everyone who gets cancer, but I never thought I would be one of them. Until the moment I went to the doctor and got the diagnose, I had never felt any pain or noticed any symptoms of a disease. And I had never imagined how serious it would be, that I couldn’t be saved.
The intention with this letter is mainly to tell you why I didn’t tell you that I was going to die, when I was still alive.
When the doctors told me there was no chance for me to survive, the cancer had gone too far, the first thing that came to my head was you. How could I tell you that you would soon be alone? That there would be no you and me, only you? I couldn’t bear it.
I told you to visit your family; it had been a while since you had seen them. I told you to stay with them, and to stay with them for a long time. You didn’t doubt my idea then, but maybe you thought it was a little weird how I suddenly pushed you away.
The reason why I told you to leave was because I couldn’t think of having you there, as I would become weaker and weaker and you wouldn’t know why.”
SiWon looked up from the letter, his heart beating faster as he got to know HeeChul’s feelings and thoughts, and his eyes found their way to the closed window. He could hear cheering from happy school kids playing soccer outside in the sun. It felt so strange, almost ironic, to hear someone so happy, when he was feeling the opposite.
He understood HeeChul better now, but it was still unbelievable, the things that had happened lately. SiWon closed his eyes and silent tears fell down on his cheeks. He wanted to dry them off on the fabric on his sweater but he chose to just let them fall as he continued reading despite his slightly blurry sight.
“Now, when I die I will have a mental picture of a smiling, happy you on my mind and that is what I want. I want to remember you as the glowing person you are and I want you to remember me as the one I always was.
Maybe, when time goes, your memory of me will fade and disappear. Perhaps I will be replaced and you will find someone else to share your life with, but that’s all right. All I want is you to be happy.
Whatever you choose to do in the future, just remember this: Let us always stay in your heart. Let us never die...
I love you.
- HeeChul”