i love what i want and i know just what i need
i haven't written in here in forever.
i'm not so sure that i've ever had such a problem putting my feelings into words before.
i want so badly to say that life is completely trashy, but how can i be so bold to make such a statement like that..
and why do i always have to pick out the bad things?
-i have a warm home and always tons of food in my belly, however i want to be living on my own and atleast once a month my family re-demonstrates how i'm the black sheep and everything i say and do sucks.
-i have a boyfriend that for some reason sees this amazing person in me. the person i've always wanted someone to see, only i don't feel like i'm worthy of actually being that person these days. and he puts up with all my shit. even finds most of it endearing. and he wants nothing more than to make me happy. and i find myself completely refusing to open up to him sometimes. most times.
-i have a "great job" that pays me a lot and gives me great insurance, but i hate it. hate it. hate it. if i wanted to sit on my ass and talk on the phone all day i'd stay at home so i could stay in my pajamas. never before have people been so rude to me in my life and i can't stand it cause all i'm trying to do is help them.
i dunno.
what if i'm one of those people that's just never gonna be happy? even if they get what they want.
but that can't be true.
cause i've been happy.
how the hell do you get that back?
i've never been so torn in my life.
and having incredibly haunting dreams definitely does not help the cause.
i'm such a stupid girl.
i just don't understand.
i joined the big brothers/big sisters program to try to help myself grow and to do something good. and after putting them on hold for like two months because i was about to up and leave to mke, i finally made the decision to stay here and stick it out at my lame ass job and save some money so that i may move out maybe by summer and start school in september.
(all of which seems to be working against me at the currant moment, by the way).
anyway, i meet my little sister for the first time on february 2nd and i'm really nervous. what if i completely blow at being a big sister? what if i'm a terrible role model because i suck at life so badly?
sigh.
oh. AND. why are people so terrible? specifically guys that feel the need to fuck with my best friend's emotions? i honestly want to lash out at him and that's completely out of character for me considering this situation doesn't involve me at all. but come on.
FLORIDA?!
seriously. what are you hoping to get from this?
what a fucker.
anyway.
jen and i almost died on the way home from mke today.
true story.
and it took two and a half hours to get home. lame.
evan and i got in a stupid fight on friday and that was also lame.
i really don't even know what we were fighting about.
and i'm wearing his socks right now.
because i forgot to pack any so i only had the pair i was wearing on friday and tilly ate one.
evan claims she doesn't eat things unless i'm there.
so far she's put my favorite bra and favorite socks to rest.
sigh.
so when am i gonna stop comparing things and people?
and when am i gonna stop wanting my past back and start being happy with the present?
mostly, when am i gonna know which one is right?
sometimes i'm surprised my heart even beats anymore.
and i'm also really glad that everyone i graduated highschool with will be graduating college in the spring. and/or is pregnant/married or both and already has kids.
could i be a bigger failure?
i definitely suck at life.
reuben's accomplice is still one of the best things ever.
i'm not so sure that i've ever had such a problem putting my feelings into words before.
i want so badly to say that life is completely trashy, but how can i be so bold to make such a statement like that..
and why do i always have to pick out the bad things?
-i have a warm home and always tons of food in my belly, however i want to be living on my own and atleast once a month my family re-demonstrates how i'm the black sheep and everything i say and do sucks.
-i have a boyfriend that for some reason sees this amazing person in me. the person i've always wanted someone to see, only i don't feel like i'm worthy of actually being that person these days. and he puts up with all my shit. even finds most of it endearing. and he wants nothing more than to make me happy. and i find myself completely refusing to open up to him sometimes. most times.
-i have a "great job" that pays me a lot and gives me great insurance, but i hate it. hate it. hate it. if i wanted to sit on my ass and talk on the phone all day i'd stay at home so i could stay in my pajamas. never before have people been so rude to me in my life and i can't stand it cause all i'm trying to do is help them.
i dunno.
what if i'm one of those people that's just never gonna be happy? even if they get what they want.
but that can't be true.
cause i've been happy.
how the hell do you get that back?
i've never been so torn in my life.
and having incredibly haunting dreams definitely does not help the cause.
i'm such a stupid girl.
i just don't understand.
i joined the big brothers/big sisters program to try to help myself grow and to do something good. and after putting them on hold for like two months because i was about to up and leave to mke, i finally made the decision to stay here and stick it out at my lame ass job and save some money so that i may move out maybe by summer and start school in september.
(all of which seems to be working against me at the currant moment, by the way).
anyway, i meet my little sister for the first time on february 2nd and i'm really nervous. what if i completely blow at being a big sister? what if i'm a terrible role model because i suck at life so badly?
sigh.
oh. AND. why are people so terrible? specifically guys that feel the need to fuck with my best friend's emotions? i honestly want to lash out at him and that's completely out of character for me considering this situation doesn't involve me at all. but come on.
FLORIDA?!
seriously. what are you hoping to get from this?
what a fucker.
anyway.
jen and i almost died on the way home from mke today.
true story.
and it took two and a half hours to get home. lame.
evan and i got in a stupid fight on friday and that was also lame.
i really don't even know what we were fighting about.
and i'm wearing his socks right now.
because i forgot to pack any so i only had the pair i was wearing on friday and tilly ate one.
evan claims she doesn't eat things unless i'm there.
so far she's put my favorite bra and favorite socks to rest.
sigh.
so when am i gonna stop comparing things and people?
and when am i gonna stop wanting my past back and start being happy with the present?
mostly, when am i gonna know which one is right?
sometimes i'm surprised my heart even beats anymore.
and i'm also really glad that everyone i graduated highschool with will be graduating college in the spring. and/or is pregnant/married or both and already has kids.
could i be a bigger failure?
i definitely suck at life.
reuben's accomplice is still one of the best things ever.