help my brain is asleep!
sometimes i wonder what is the fucking deal with the damn cosmos... half the time i feel like im so wound up im might explode if i dont move or shake or something. i get little tremors of anxiety, and i know i have to let them out, and the start to build up and i feel them pushing and pulling on every sinew and fiber in my body urging them, as is pure will were enough, to make my limbs and muscles move regardless of my brains activity... i feel them ache to be used... theyre energized, and sometimes its either go nuts or shake a leg or jump and contort myself in such a bizarre violent way that that it might release the amount of eenergy that my body desired, and whe i do decide to do this i normally look like an idiot, and i take a step out and stare at myself or if theres a reflective surface nearby actually watch myself and think: man you look like an idiot... and then on the other side of the coin there are times where im so drained that i can barely stand to lift an arm or drag myself from where ever my ass lands itself. in those instances im lost in thought, if i even have the energy to do that, and because of my energy level at the time all of my thoughts and emotions gravitate towards the melancholy and regretful... man i wish i had more energy, i wish i was out having fun, living life, eating ice cream, walking, jogging, catching a movie, something... anything... id settle for just being outside most of the time.... and its in this constant up and down cycle that i cant find where that energy goes wheni want it, and i cant get rid of it when i have it... there is no happy medium, it seems sometimes... and thats frustrating... fuck give me a bland, so-so medium, as long as its a medium, because this bipolarity of energy is driving me insane... i cant deal with the extremes... and its funny because as i write this im half asleep at 10:30 pm and yet 30 mins ago my leg was twitching and getting antsy and 30 mins before that i was half asleep, it seems my body cant even decide how tired or awake i should be at any given moment... my eyelids are heavy and my eyes are starting to get that slight sore, the "please just close me" soreness, and yet my heart rate is above normal... maybe its all the medication im on, maybe.... may be