OP's
So I just got home from OP's... I haven't been out in like 9 months probably, but when Jesse called me and asked me if i wanted to go, I decided that I would.
It felt good to go out to OP's and get out of the house - I saw lots of people I had never met from online before, and it is nice to finally put a face to a screen name. It was great to people & drama watch... but the trip to OP's didn't do what I had hoped it would do for me. I was hoping maybe I would get the same feeling as John did on his first night of freedom out of our relationship - how he liked everyone paying attention to him. I had the same kind of attention tonight - people looking at me, and even a few that asked me for my number - at the same time it did feel really good, I couldn't help but think of how much I had longed for that person that was staring at me from across the bar to be John. Right now I am just sitting here crying, trying to figure out how I went so wrong. All I ever did was love him with all my heart. I have never loved anyone more than I have John, and I am not sure that will ever change. John is such a special person - I don't even know where to begin. He taught me so much and gave me so much, which I don't think he will ever realize what he gave me. I wish I could show him. Right now I have such a feeling of hopelessness.. I have never experienced this before in my life. I wish I knew where to pick up the pieces - I thought tonight was the starting place, but now I know I am wrong and I feel even worse.
more later...
It felt good to go out to OP's and get out of the house - I saw lots of people I had never met from online before, and it is nice to finally put a face to a screen name. It was great to people & drama watch... but the trip to OP's didn't do what I had hoped it would do for me. I was hoping maybe I would get the same feeling as John did on his first night of freedom out of our relationship - how he liked everyone paying attention to him. I had the same kind of attention tonight - people looking at me, and even a few that asked me for my number - at the same time it did feel really good, I couldn't help but think of how much I had longed for that person that was staring at me from across the bar to be John. Right now I am just sitting here crying, trying to figure out how I went so wrong. All I ever did was love him with all my heart. I have never loved anyone more than I have John, and I am not sure that will ever change. John is such a special person - I don't even know where to begin. He taught me so much and gave me so much, which I don't think he will ever realize what he gave me. I wish I could show him. Right now I have such a feeling of hopelessness.. I have never experienced this before in my life. I wish I knew where to pick up the pieces - I thought tonight was the starting place, but now I know I am wrong and I feel even worse.
more later...