Tired, ignore if you like.
I feel sometimes like a soul on the edge of a canyon. Behind me, the issues of my life are screaming at me, begging me to keep tying the knots and fixing the things that I've fucked up. Before me, one way down, a bottomless crevace just beckoning me to take that step and fade into its darkness. Sometimes I'm so tempted to just let go and sever any ties I've ever had in my life.
I feel so often like I've failed everything I've tried to do. I am my own worst enemy, I've brought my own downfall in every situation I've unravelled. I'm tired of fucking up. I'm tired of constantly tripping over my own feet when I'm at the top of my game. I want to move, to escape everything I know, but in the same breath there are ties I don't want to lose or cut. And I'm not talking about my blood family, because the ties to them would never be severed, no matter how far I want to run.
I had a perfect fairytale future laid in my hands when I graduated high school, and I crushed it. Now that I've realized what I've done, I feel like every step I take to achieve the future I should already have just leads me into another stumbling block. I regret so much in my life, I'm still bitter and angry at myself for wasting everything that was ever given to me.
I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to get things back together. I'm getting myself back in shape, and it's frustrating that it's not as easy as it used to be. I can't just do meal-replacements or guru diets in addition to exercise because of my goddamned disease, and it's harder to slough the weight off through exercise than it was six years ago. I'm doing what I can with what I've got to get my degree, only to be set back when I try to access the credits I earned in Florida. I'm out there applying and hunting for jobs, and I'm being slung out and left hanging on every single lead. BUT I'M TRYING.
I just wish some people could see that. Some do, but others don't (mainly those related to me by blood), and I know they won't until something solid COMES of my efforts.
I'm so ready to give up on so much right now, but I won't. I can't, because the things I'm striving for mean too much to me. I lost that determination once, when it should have been stronger than anything else. Now that it's back, I just feel like life is constantly making up for lost time by throwing even more obstacles, setbacks, and emotional trials my way.
I want to make something of myself again. I want my degree. I want a career, not just a job. I want a place of my own, and a family. I want the future I so stupidly and carelessly threw away, and I'm just so scared that something is going to make me break and I'll lose the small steps I've already made.
I know I'm strong, but no one is invincible. Everyone has their breaking point, I just hope that mine isn't about to reveal itself anytime soon.
I feel so often like I've failed everything I've tried to do. I am my own worst enemy, I've brought my own downfall in every situation I've unravelled. I'm tired of fucking up. I'm tired of constantly tripping over my own feet when I'm at the top of my game. I want to move, to escape everything I know, but in the same breath there are ties I don't want to lose or cut. And I'm not talking about my blood family, because the ties to them would never be severed, no matter how far I want to run.
I had a perfect fairytale future laid in my hands when I graduated high school, and I crushed it. Now that I've realized what I've done, I feel like every step I take to achieve the future I should already have just leads me into another stumbling block. I regret so much in my life, I'm still bitter and angry at myself for wasting everything that was ever given to me.
I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to get things back together. I'm getting myself back in shape, and it's frustrating that it's not as easy as it used to be. I can't just do meal-replacements or guru diets in addition to exercise because of my goddamned disease, and it's harder to slough the weight off through exercise than it was six years ago. I'm doing what I can with what I've got to get my degree, only to be set back when I try to access the credits I earned in Florida. I'm out there applying and hunting for jobs, and I'm being slung out and left hanging on every single lead. BUT I'M TRYING.
I just wish some people could see that. Some do, but others don't (mainly those related to me by blood), and I know they won't until something solid COMES of my efforts.
I'm so ready to give up on so much right now, but I won't. I can't, because the things I'm striving for mean too much to me. I lost that determination once, when it should have been stronger than anything else. Now that it's back, I just feel like life is constantly making up for lost time by throwing even more obstacles, setbacks, and emotional trials my way.
I want to make something of myself again. I want my degree. I want a career, not just a job. I want a place of my own, and a family. I want the future I so stupidly and carelessly threw away, and I'm just so scared that something is going to make me break and I'll lose the small steps I've already made.
I know I'm strong, but no one is invincible. Everyone has their breaking point, I just hope that mine isn't about to reveal itself anytime soon.