She's out of my life, how a best frined pulled the plug.
this has been over two nights. It's a complation of emails that talk about what my best friend Tara has done to me. Yes I want to die, yes it's really hard and most of all, I don't understand any of it at all.
First email:
Mate I've just had the worst night, my best friend has told me the
worst news anyone can ever here "We need time apart- things are
getting too crazy" She told me that my birthday dinner for her was the
worst thing ever and that what I cooked for her was not what she
liked. There was so much that I had done that has compounded into one
thing and the dinner was the straw that broke the camels back. I told
her that if she ever had a problem with anything about me she has to
tell me. Yeah right she'd rather let it all build up and then hit me
with a neutron blaster.
I feel dead, I don't know what to do. Live just doesn't seem worth
anything anymore. And Vic's text message while I was talking with my
friend (well former friend), has just proved that Vic is only
concerned with herself and not me. I can't take this anymore. I want
out, I want out of it all.
I just need time out to think on my own I guess.
Second Email (to other people which is actually a conversation I had over MSN with another person):
SNIPER said:
Tara and I are taking a break for a while, I had no idea how much I
had hurt her- she never even told me (even though I asked her to tell
me if something was wrong).
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! said:
You already told me you were taking a break
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! said:
And you can't count on friends to tell you when you hurt them, even
when you do ask. Yet another thing I found out the hard way.
SNIPER said:
This break is a little more perminant, it's really hard on me because
as she found out tonight, she knows so much about me that no one and I
do mean no one else has ever known.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! said:
I don't understand the difference
SNIPER said:
How you were when you and Kris parted ways is how am right now, I've
never been like this in my life and I don't like it
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! said:
you have to remember that it was never a break for Kristin. she's
calling it one though. so there is still hope.I know how you feel
though, and I'm sorry.
SNIPER said:
yeah I just want to die. Anyway i have to go, I can't sleep but
perhaps just resting will help
SNIPER said:
I do love you Lis, take care
SNIPER says:
can't rest at all, too much going on in my mind
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
you've been gone for a few hours though
SNIPER says:
yeah watched a dvd
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
are you okay?
SNIPER says:
Tara kept asking me that tonight as well, No I'm not ok, I've really
fucked up and I can't see a way of fixing it. It got to me that bad
when her and I were talking that I ended up throwing up, I still want
to. She knows I'm an emotional guy.
SNIPER says:
It turns out that her and I have so much in common, we both had lousy
childhoods and did things with friends because we were so lonely.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
how did you fuck up?
SNIPER says:
I told her tonight how I figured out what had attracted me to her, she
did something that I never knew. She brought out the child in me, I
never had a childhood and Tara and I used to go to parks late of a
night time and play on the equipment, we made games up, I was
experiencing a childhood, finally in my life.
SNIPER says:
How did I fuck up? I tried to keep everyone happy. But the straw that
broke the camels back was last friday when I cooked her dinner for her
birthday. Apparently it was the biggest let down in her whole life
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
I don't understand. You said it was a good thing.
SNIPER says:
yeah that's what I thought, she said it was good to my face because
she didn't want to upset me. Well tonight she told me the truth, She
hated the meal, she hated Vic being here, she hated having to wait for
me to cook the food in front of her. She wanted to come over and sit
down and eat straight away. I told her that I wanted to let her watch
me cook it so that she could see it all.
SNIPER says:
She said she hated the food, too much garlic in it, I left a lot out
because know she doesn't like spices.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
that makes her sound very picky...
SNIPER says:
She said that she had started counting me up there in Boy friend
status and was starting to open up to me, well how waas I supposed to
know that she hated the food I cooked? She doesn't really talk that
much about herself, even her b/f has said that.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
Ja, you're not perfect. You can't cook towards everyone's taste. You
TRIED to do something wonderful, and really that's all that should
have mattered to her. If all that really upset her, then something is
really shoving a stick up her ass lately.
SNIPER says:
I guess I opened up too much to her and allowed myself to get too close
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
Nobody cooks the same all the time, or perfectly all the time. You
aren't perfect, you can't cater towards everyone.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
Seriously, who does she think she is? Depending on the way you cook
to see how much she'd like you? That's fucking rediculous.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
I'm sorry, but it is.
SNIPER says:
well she said it tonight, I was at b/f status according to her,
therefore I should have known all this, this is what has disappointed
her, that I really know nothing about her at all. She's not counting
me out of her life for good, she's still wanting to work on the
project, but she needs to think of me in a professional matter.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
that's bullshit. "boyfriend status". se expects far too much from you.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
Man, she's making me angry now. yay.
SNIPER says:
Apparently i was right, I was the cause of a lot of the trouble
between her and her b/f. I set the record staright tonight, i told her
that I never made a certain promise to him but that I went along with
it because I knew she would believe him over me. In anycase I'm
backing away for a while, she said that I don't have to worry about
her, her relationship or her Uni work.
SNIPER says:
we are still friends in a manner of speaking, but for a while we need
to be Director and Exec not best friends, not hanging out just about
every day.
SNIPER says:
I said that I knew something was wrong with the dinner and that I was
hopping to get another chance to do it again. She said that she'd like
to say that it will but just not for a while
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
nobody should blame their relationship problems on a friendship. if he
can't deal with you guys being friends, then something is wrong.
nothing was happening.
SNIPER says:
we have to go right back three years, right back to me seeing her
every now and then at her work when I pop in to buy food for home,
saying hi and leaving it at that. I can't do that, I can't forget what
we had, nor can I go to her work atm without questions being asked by
her co-workers, questions that both of us wouldf rather not answer. No
nothing was going on, but it sure as hell hurts deep
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
Ja, why do you put up with her bullshit? Is there something that
really made it worth it? I mean, yeah she's like that because she's
trying to protect a relationship, but...
SNIPER says:
I can't answer that, we were so good together, tonight she did it
again, I was about to say something and she said it, we have a special
connection. She put it that our connection was a little frayed and
sparking, I said that it was bent out of shape. We both agreed that we
needed to fix it, she said that time will fix it, she knows we have
that connection, I feel like she's trying to...
SNIPER says:
sever it for reasons she doesn't yet understand. Yes her b/f is a
dick. I am really growing to hate him now, but as she said, it's her
life, she has to make the choices in it. To tell you the truth Lis, I
know they will break up, i have seen it already. If I can cause him to
feel like he's threatened and I'm not even looking at her for a
relationship, then imagine what he'd be like later on ...
SNIPER says:
in life when others do make moves on her and she is interested in
them! Also the way he talks to his ex and does thing for her, the way
she speaks about Tara, man I'd really like to set her wagon straight.
Tara hates the fact that b/f will get up of the lounge just after Tara
has settled down for a cuddle, and go and talk to his ex who has just
rung up and starts saying shit about her
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
thing is, she might be one of those women who are clingy and stick
around because they are afraid of being alone. which would explain why
she puts up with him
SNIPER says:
yeah that does indeed sound like her and that's what i'm affraid of
SNIPER says:
I knew she'd listen to him over me, but I didn't think that it was
going to cause this much trouble. I have never intentionally lied to
her about anything, so tonight I had to tell her everything. She just
kept asking me over and over again if I was alright, and I kept
answering the same way, No I'm bloody not alright. She said that if i
really need her to call, but atm i can't, if i call her...
SNIPER says:
I'm admitting the wrong things, she would think that I am interested
in her obsessivly, that I can't deal with life without her (in a way
that is true), that what I told her tonight was a load of shit and
thus she'd say to me, you lied- just don't call me any more. I have to
focus my energy be it good or bad, on my work.
SNIPER says:
I set the record straight about why I'm doing the bar course next
week- I told her that atm I'm focusing on putting money in my pocket,
The security course was going to cost far too much, this course is far
cheaper and should get me work quicker and that's what it's all about
atm, me getting money in my pocket- she was suprised about that
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
sounds like me. actually, I reacted badly right afterwards and tried
calling. she wouldn't answer, so I kept calling. she picked up, told
me not to call, then hung up. I did it again because I was so
desperate. oh man. she was just like "do you know what don't call me
means??" then hung up again. It hit me then, but by then I was just
hating myself for reacting like that. It was really hard, but I
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
didn't call or message her after other than an email to say how I felt
and such. she never replied to that.
SNIPER says:
She was upset that i got drunk at her dinner, she was upset that I
said that she told me too (this is true and she doesn't deny it), but
now she tells me that she wanted me to do it away from Vic down at the
pub. How the hell was I supposed to know that? I wanted to do it away
from Vic as it was but the opportunity never came. Apparently after
the dinner, she went home crying and not even her b/f
SNIPER says:
could consol her, it took her this whole week just to get the courage
to tell me how bad the night was. She didn't want to hurt my feelings
but she couldn't keep them in any longer.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
I tell ya, Ja. she sounds really selfesh.
SNIPER says:
I told her that after getting drunk that night it really cleared my
head- to which she agreed, she's seen the progress and is impressed
with it already. I said don't look at it as a bad thing, I needed to
get drunk- you said that I should in order for my heart to finally
have it's say. It's cleared the air for me and now I have been moving
on. See that's the thing I know she's so far from selfish
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
If she were, she wouldn't have wanted everything perfect and her way.
She would have seen that you were doing this all for her and trying
your best and seen past everything.
SNIPER says:
I've been an idiot, I've talked myself up to the point where I can't
live to the expectations of others and this is what her point is. Now
I have to show her that I've changed- god knows how I am going to do
that
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
Why do you have to live to the expectations of others???
SNIPER says:
Vic could see that they weren't happy with the dinner, she said that
they seemed ungreatful for it. Tara told me that it's not that she's
ungreatful for the effort but dissapointed with the result. Vic was
worried that they didn't have a good time and tonight I found out the
truth. When I came home, I said to Vic "you were right" she said "I
knew it" I said "what",...
SNIPER says:
she replied "Tara has chosen you over Lloyd" I said "no, far from it,
that's not it at all" and she said "Oh so that's next" I said "Not
likely, you were right about them not having a good time, I found out
that they hated the meal and everything" Vic said "Hmm you cooked that
dinner out of love and now you're being slapped in the face- that's
gratitude"
SNIPER says:
I want another chance to make a better dinner for Tara but like I
said, it's going to be a long time before that happens, She said that
I might get another chance but that we have to wait a while, she needs
to get over the disappointment first
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
it's a DINNER and she's killing a friendship over that?
Ja, you're ripping apart everything you ever told me over one person.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
Why do you have to meet the expectations of others?????? someone
always gets left out, so you might as well TRY and get somewhere.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
If it doesn't get you anywhere, at least you tried, and you've got
that much. If they don't appreciate it, and they let something small
like food and who someone gets drunk around get in the way of FUN then
what the hell.
SNIPER says:
I just feel really bad because I did have feelings for her untill I
worked out why i had them and got over it. Her and I were close,
really close, really really close. I've never lost a friend like her
before, I've never been in this situation before. All my friends (you
included) don't really know all of me, you all know parts, if you put
all the parts together then you'd get about half the story
SNIPER says:
She's the first one ever to know just about the whole story
SNIPER says:
She knows more than both my kids mothers and Vic combined
SNIPER says:
I could talk to her because I thought she understood, how wrong was I.
SNIPER says:
I told her more stuff tonight, stuff from the dark side of Ja. Stuff
that only my family and those who were there know. She was worried,
she didn't want to leave and she didn't want me to leave even though
she said she needed the break. I tried walking away a few times but
she got really angry. She is as passionate as what I am, she had tears
in her eyes just like I did. I threw up because...
SNIPER says:
I couldn't handle the emotions. She just sat there thinking. I think
she was thinking that she'd done the wrong thing but I can't be
certain of that, I guess I'll never know what she was thinking.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
...
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
Ja, you told me that you could tell me anything before. does that mean you lied?
SNIPER says:
Silly thing is that right as we are speaking I'm writing her a
professional email about the film. How stupid of me, she's staying on
the project but not staying on as a friend
SNIPER says:
No no no, i haven't lied to you lis, it's just that a lot of what I
have told her is because she is here face to face with me, I only tell
somethings face to face because I'm able to look in their eyes and see
what they are thinking and if they are ready for it. It helps me deal
with what I need to say
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
oh...
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
can you tell me why you're not listening to what I'm saying to you then?
SNIPER says:
atm?
SNIPER says:
I'm not listening to much atm because I'm not in the right frame of
mind, I am however hearing what you are saying and yes it is in my
head, I will process it in due course. It's the same thing I do with
her, I did it tonight and she really hates it but the results are
therein the end
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
I really wish you would listen to me right now seeing as you're
beating yourself up over something that wasn't your fault in the least
bit.
SNIPER says:
Sorry Lis, you know what this is like? It's like I've been told that
my wife wants a divorce because my brother is a better lover than me,
it's cutting me deep. I told her that I've not slept in the pas week
because I knew something was up, I told her that i can't eat anything,
that i can't listen to any music because it all reminds me of her. I
told her that I have her voice inside my head all...
SNIPER says:
the time telling me stuff, she had a little giggle about that,
especially when we discussed which voices and what situations. No joke
Lis, I have never been like this with anyone ever in my past, so why
her?
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
because you love her?
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
it's not a sin to love a friend.
SNIPER says:
I said that to her tonight you know, I said Tara love you, but as a
friend, not as a lover, I love you that much that this is hurting, I
could see that she didn't want to hear it
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
so seriously, try to stop beating yourself up over it because it was
not your fault, and neither was the dinner. you cannot read minds, you
are not supposed to remember every single thing anyone tells you about
their tastes... it's just... I don't know. you are NOT perfect and
nobody should expect you to be.
SNIPER says:
I guess I pushed my friendship with her too far, I just hope that I
get a chance to real it back in again one day, who knows, working on
this project might help in that process. You know what, I do love her
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
good. now stop killing yourself for that. it's not wrong.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
hell, I know that life would have been easier if I had never loved
Kristin, but I DO NOT regret loving her.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
Actually, ALOT of things would not have happened if it weren't for
her, and I still love her, no matter how fucking stubborn she is. She
doesn't understand me and won't open up enough to ever want to now,
and I just have to accept that.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
I'm not perfect and don't want to be perfect. It was YOU who taught me
to be that way.
SNIPER says:
*Ducking from the ensuing onslaught of backhanded advice
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
fine. if you want me to stop, I'll stop.
SNIPER says:
no no no, don't stop sweetheart, i need it, deserve it. I've put
myself in this position and I have to suffer for it
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
arg.
SNIPER says:
Do you think I am intelligent?
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
no. if all you think of it is torture, then forget it.
of course you are.
SNIPER says:
Tara yelled at me a couple of weeks ago and she said that I was a very
intelligent guy. The other night, Vic and I were having an argument
(there's something new) and she said that I was one of the most
intelligent guys she's even knownn (a compliment after all these years
that her and I have been together).
SNIPER says:
Tara's right about one thing though, i do need to start doing things
for myself and not others
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
she's really contradicting herself on that one...
SNIPER says:
how so?
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
the dinner.
SNIPER says:
hmmmmm
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
And Tara's right? She's not the only one who's been saying that.
SNIPER says:
SNIPER says:
So\hows how much I've been listening to everyone then doesn't it, god
I have been a dick.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
no, you've been human.
SNIPER says:
Tara knows that much about me that she even knows what turns me on,
all the little things that work.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
you know one thing you should not do right now? stop putting her on a
pedestal. It really does help for the survival part. that and you
actually start listening to more than one person.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
and no, that was not a guilt trip. that was just me telling you from experience.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
because you know... you've told me all that stuff before too, if that helps...
SNIPER says:
I put one person up there before, things went haywire between us and
we never spoke for 12 years, then she came back into my life and said
that she was sorry, it was her all along she was getting bad advice
from someone that had alterior motives and guess what I did straight
away, put her right back up there. That was untill Tara came along and
bumped her down, yes I have had Tara up there as
SNIPER says:
the ultimate woman in my life. How mistaken was I. She's just the same
as everyone else. I told her how I got over the infatuation with her.
I used her own process- this suprised her. I reasoned it out and came
to logical conclusions, it helped. So why am I hurting? I knew her and
I would never be together, I even told her my personal rule on that
matter, A rule that I implimeted after the...
SNIPER says:
Emily affair, which caused me to look long and hard at my choices in
life, this rule came into effect after you so you were safe. But Tara
got in somehow and I've ended up in the same god damd place as I
always do, Ass Out in the cold night air with a face full of dirt
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
which brings me back to the "don't put her on a pedestal" part
SNIPER says:
yeah you're right
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
I'm not expecting you to be okay right away, so I'm sorry if it seems
that way. just don't shut other people out, and actually listen to
what they have to say. it'll make things easier.
SNIPER says:
yeah
SNIPER says:
thanks
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
anytime babe
SNIPER says:
my throat is still sore from throwing up
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
then don't throw up anymore.
SNIPER says:
hehehe yeah
SNIPER says:
I know that really upset her when I did, she could see that my
emotions were making me pop, my eyes were streaming with tears I
couldn't talk and then I said, I'm gonna be sick, she kept saying to
me, Ja, Ja no, listen to me, Ja, but by then it was too late. And I
hate dry reching, but that's all I had in me, nothing else in there,
this is why my throat is sore
Third email (to first person again):
Mate I have been talking to Vic about all of this, and talking with
everyone, None of this makes sence. She gave me a heap of half-arsed
reasons, which talking with someone that works with her and Vic, both
have said that there is more to this than she's letting on. They think
it's the fact that because her and I were so close, she'd developed
feelings for me and with Vic and I fighting all the time, I wouldn't
leave her and my friend wouldn't leave her b/f, thus the problem
occured.
She wants to keep things priofessional between us now- go back to just
working on the film as Director and Exec. I see things to do with what
I am trying to film and I think "Oh I must tell Tara about that" and
then I remember I can't because we apparently need a break and for a
split second I don't know why that it is. I feel really bad mate, I
really do. I could talk to her about anything and everything- she was
the only person that could get in to the dark places of my life and
bring a ray of light and hope. Not even Vic has ever done that!
She was the only person that actually took time out to really get to
know me for who I am and accepted me for all the flaws I have. Vic
still doesn't- sure she's making more of an effort these days but Tara
gave unconditionally and wanted, well I thought wanted nothing in
return. Last night just really ripped me apart. I got that emotional
talking with her that I had to throw up. I had rage, anger, dispare
everything running on full strength. All I wanted was a friend that
could share thing with me and that got thrown back in my face. I tiold
her that she was the only person that not only uncorked the bottle of
dark things inside me, but she damd smashed the bottle, her responce
"Oh come on, well don't glue the bottle back together".
She didn't believe me about what I told her about my mother, I said to
her, fine you want to talk to my father about it? She said, no he
harbours the same feelings if not worse. I thought about asking her if
she wanted to talk to my brother and sister but I figured no use,
she's made up her mind. An inccident happened a few weeks ago that
caused some probs between her and her b/f, I knew it would have but
she insisted and promised me that she'd not tell him (no I didn't kiss
her or do anything like that- we just went swiming together when i
took some pics and she- knowing full well I'm a naturist told me to go
naked because i didn't have my cossies with us). She told me a few
weeks after that she had told him and that they had had a fight over
it- he said that I made a promise to him that I would never be naked
around her (I told him I was a naturist as well). I remember the
conversation and my mind can be like a photo memory when called upon
to. Now last night I told her that I never made such a promise but
that I only agreed because I knew she wouldn't believe me over him on
that point, then I recited the entire conversation and all I got was
"Ja how do I know that's the truth? How do I know it's not some
bullshit you're making up". I said to her "See there's my point, you
would rather believe him over me".
We're taking a break for a while, still working on the film which is
hard for me because she's my exec (I made her my exec originally
because she gave me many good ideas on getting the film done and has
given me the drive and push to move on with it. Our friendship was
that close that I wouldn't have to say anything and she'd finish the
conversation- she did it again last night and I told her how much I
hate that. She had a laugh and said sorry, Vic doesn't even do that,
she does when we're recounting movie lines but not random
conversations.
I think I got too close to her and something happened that scared her,
Vic and a workmate of Tara's reckon that she fell for me in a big way
which in hindsight may be the truth considering the context of her
conversation last night. But they also think that she has a self
destructive personality and that when something or someone good comes
along, she sabotages her life in order to maintain the victim
mentality. This is something that her and I had in common though now I
am aware of it and have been doing something about it. I said to her
last night that I couldn't go for her due to a personal rule I have (I
never see anyone under 25, it's proven to be too much hastle in the
past. They need to experience life and guys a bit more, go out to
night clubs and get trashed, it's part of the life experience that
everyone needs), now considering she's only 22 this means that my rule
is in effect with her. I have also told her that I need a friend more
than I need sex (she smiled and had a bit of a giggle, but you could
see the disappointment in her eyes). Shes a damd fine kid, really
really smart and will do well in the police force which is where she
wants to be after uni.
I could talk to her about everything, there were times when I was
naked around her (she'd turn up just after or just before I got in the
shower, she said to go ahead, I mean she was chopping up body parts at
uni so my body was nothing) and I felt free and safe, knowing full
well that she wouldn't make a move on me and I know I wouldn't make a
move on her. I could talk to her about naturist issues and show her
stuff concerning that, she was interested, but her b/f who is really
abusive towards her and controling, told her that if she ever did
anything it would be trouble, she wanted to know more about it she
even said so. She wanted to know more about everything in my life, we
even took trips to the airport what with me being a member of HARS, I
showed her around and told her stuff about the planes, she loved it,
her b/f never pays attention to her unless he want sex and he told me
that she hates how he just comes over and goes straight for her boobs,
it's like there is nothing else on her. I always wanted to
concerntrait on what was in her mind, it helped me focus on my film
and everything else in my life.
I have very few friends that I can talk about my naturist stuff with,
but only one was willing to allow me to express it. Now I have nothing
and no one and this is why I feel so bad. Everything I had with her is
gone and for what? I don't know the reason. She said that me calling
her my best friend was unjustified because I had proven on the night
of her birthday dinner that I don't know anything about her- ha, I
know as much about her as her b/f does and that's not much at all, I
know more about him and he and I always talked about her and what we
knew. She just doesn't talk about herself to anyone for any reason.
Apparently i let her down in a big way on that night, she went home
crying and not even her b/f could calm her down. I'm not a fucking
mind reader, if there was something she didn't like she should have
bloody told me, not pretend everything was fine and then harbour deep
resentment becaus she felt it was a crap night. I cooked her dinner,
she was upset that it wasn't ready when she got here, she asked me why
it wasn't and I told her (which Vic will back me up on this because I
do it with Vic also), I wanted it to a)be a hot meal and b) I wanted
her to see me cooking it so that she could see what I was doing and
how much I was putting into it. She told me she hated the meal because
it had too much garlic in it, I left the other herbs and spices out
which would have balanced it all out as it normally does because I
knew she doesn't like spices or herbs. She asked why I didn't cook
what she wanted (seafood) and I said that I wanted to please everyone
and since Vic doesn't eat seafood I had to find an alternative, I
asked her b/f to help me choose, gave him the options of Spag Bol-
which I didn't want to do because I'd cooked that for her before and I
need herbs and spices in it, or Strogg, We settled on Strogg it was
quick, simple and easy to make and everyone would have liked it. Tara
ate just the meat, not the rice, not the veggies nothing in it except
the meat. At first she told me that she was full, well last night she
told me the truth, she didn't like the meal, she grew up on Strogg,
she was so disappointed in the night that she jsut didn't want to be
here at all. She also doesn't like Vic and the fact that Vic was here
made her night even worse apparently. Also the fact that another
friend didn't make it due to finding out a close friend of his had
died that day, made her think the night wasn't worth diddly. I cleaned
the house from top to toe, I made the meal with love and heart I tried
my best to have a damd good time and what don I get for it? YOU DON'T
REALLY KNOW ME AT ALL- WE NEED A BREAK FROM EACH OTHER!
She has said that I have another social problem, which admittedly I
do, it's a barrier defence thing- we all have one. Well she said she
needs me to fix it and show her that I've fixed it if we are to still
be friends. My dad has told me before that I have this problem but
because it's dad who listens to him right? Well Vic has told me
tonight that I have it but unlike everyone else, Vic is the only one
that has given me a starting point towards fixing it. It's called
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, I've been reading up on it all night,
facinating stuff. Also associated towards Rational Emotive Behaviour
Therapy. The idea behind these are that when a person goes through a
negative patch, they turn it around into a positive thought, thus
elliminating the need for behaviour modification drugs like Anti
Depressants. This is where you come in my dear friend, all these
wonderful friendship emails you've been sending me they are actually
great towards CBT and REBT. A friend of mine many years ago used to
write good stuff on post-it notes and stick them all over the place,
now I know why and it's something I need to do as well.
Tara and I have so much in common it's really not funny- I guess this
is why we need the break, I have gotten too close to her and it has
scared her. But like I want to know- why should I suffer because
someone else is scared of something that isn't really there? The last
time something like this happened to me, it cut me up for a very very
long time. Last year after 12 years of no contact, that person came
back. I thought it was something I had done, turns out that it was
actually someone else playing the wrong info into her ears and forcing
us apart (gee why does this sound so familiar now)?- last time is was
a female friend who wanted my friend for herself, this time it's a
jelous b/f who can't stand the fact that his g/f has a really good
friend. Perhaps over time she'll see what has happened and come back.
I already know that Tara and her b/f are going to break up, it's just
a question of when, he's already looking around at other girls and has
started moving away from her. He's changed all the plans they
originally made together and she has the shits with him over it.
Another guy that we know pointed out a few home truths a couple of
weeks ago, I know these have been playing on her mind- but like the
Tauran she is, she's fighting them off and sticking head down to
charge anyone that messes with her plans. The other fact is that they
are both young, he's not even 21 yet. They both have a lot of life to
go, she wants him to be there all the time for her, he wants time with
his friends, time to play his play station and the only time he wants
with her is for sex. At least with me I made her use her mind.
Last night when she said she wanted the time apart, I went to go but
she'd never let me go, she kept saying that I was not in the right
frame of mind to drive, perhaps she's right but if you have nothing to
say to someone then don't you just leave it at that? She kept asking
me if I was alright, I kept answering her the truth "No I'm bloody not
alright". I calmed down after a while, we did talk and had a few
jokes- well she had a few laughs at the silly stuff I was saying, but
I'm still not alright, I won't be untill I have her back here and
talking to me. Or someone else that can be like her but not actually
be her. I told her that I loved her- not like her b/f, not in a
relationship manner, I love her in a deep friend kind of way. I told
her that I have been worried about her uni work (It's slipped big time
and considering she'd on the home stretch now that's a big thing). I
told her that I am worried about the detramental effect of her
breaking up with him. She said not to worry anymore, in fact if they
do break up it would probably do her uni work a heap of good because
she buries her head to avoid dealing with things thus she'd smash the
final uni exam.
She said that she could see the difference in my life over the past
week, I've become a different person. This has been my only saving
grace with her. She said that I have done so well in the past week.
She wants to keep me as a friend, but we need to back off a bit. I
knew it and last night she confirmed it, I have been the cause of many
of her relationship problems lately. She did it again, she proved that
we have that connection by saying something I was about to say, I got
really upset and angry, she asked what was wrong and I told her "You
just did it again" she laughed and said sorry, I said that it proves
we have a connection to which she replied "yes we do don't we, but at
the moment it's frayed and sparking, we need to mend it. I said it was
bent and that we need to heat it up and bend it back into shape- she
didn't like that annalogy, thining about it now I guess she was
thinking I was refering to the heat treatment as something else, but
in fact I was thinking along the lines of a steel bar, proof that the
connection isn't working fully.
I said to her that I've been asking other people for advice on the
current situation, and she flew off the handle at me. She said that I
shouldn't be talking to other people about our problems. She doesn't
realise that this is how I work things out, this is how I get advice
on how to deal with things. Besides, some of the people who have been
talking to me are people who have seen what has happened and are
asking me what's going on- what have I done to upset her. Well lets
just say that I don't think a trip to Coles will be a good idea
anytime soon. Her roster has just changed and I don't know it now so
rather than face an awkward unpleasentness from her serving me, I'll
just go to Woolies for a while, they have more of a variety anyway
except that I can only get my cranberry juice from coles now and that
really sucks.
I have a list of things I want to do now, I'm going to try and focus
my energy on getting those things. Perhaps oneday I will find a friend
that was as good as her, allowed me to be me and accepted me for who
and what I am, till then i'll just exist as I have done so before!
Stay safe my friend and thanks for caring enough to make sure I am ok,
we may not share the same life choices or lifestyles but at least you
don't make me feel bad about them
First email:
Mate I've just had the worst night, my best friend has told me the
worst news anyone can ever here "We need time apart- things are
getting too crazy" She told me that my birthday dinner for her was the
worst thing ever and that what I cooked for her was not what she
liked. There was so much that I had done that has compounded into one
thing and the dinner was the straw that broke the camels back. I told
her that if she ever had a problem with anything about me she has to
tell me. Yeah right she'd rather let it all build up and then hit me
with a neutron blaster.
I feel dead, I don't know what to do. Live just doesn't seem worth
anything anymore. And Vic's text message while I was talking with my
friend (well former friend), has just proved that Vic is only
concerned with herself and not me. I can't take this anymore. I want
out, I want out of it all.
I just need time out to think on my own I guess.
Second Email (to other people which is actually a conversation I had over MSN with another person):
SNIPER said:
Tara and I are taking a break for a while, I had no idea how much I
had hurt her- she never even told me (even though I asked her to tell
me if something was wrong).
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! said:
You already told me you were taking a break
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! said:
And you can't count on friends to tell you when you hurt them, even
when you do ask. Yet another thing I found out the hard way.
SNIPER said:
This break is a little more perminant, it's really hard on me because
as she found out tonight, she knows so much about me that no one and I
do mean no one else has ever known.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! said:
I don't understand the difference
SNIPER said:
How you were when you and Kris parted ways is how am right now, I've
never been like this in my life and I don't like it
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! said:
you have to remember that it was never a break for Kristin. she's
calling it one though. so there is still hope.I know how you feel
though, and I'm sorry.
SNIPER said:
yeah I just want to die. Anyway i have to go, I can't sleep but
perhaps just resting will help
SNIPER said:
I do love you Lis, take care
SNIPER says:
can't rest at all, too much going on in my mind
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
you've been gone for a few hours though
SNIPER says:
yeah watched a dvd
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
are you okay?
SNIPER says:
Tara kept asking me that tonight as well, No I'm not ok, I've really
fucked up and I can't see a way of fixing it. It got to me that bad
when her and I were talking that I ended up throwing up, I still want
to. She knows I'm an emotional guy.
SNIPER says:
It turns out that her and I have so much in common, we both had lousy
childhoods and did things with friends because we were so lonely.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
how did you fuck up?
SNIPER says:
I told her tonight how I figured out what had attracted me to her, she
did something that I never knew. She brought out the child in me, I
never had a childhood and Tara and I used to go to parks late of a
night time and play on the equipment, we made games up, I was
experiencing a childhood, finally in my life.
SNIPER says:
How did I fuck up? I tried to keep everyone happy. But the straw that
broke the camels back was last friday when I cooked her dinner for her
birthday. Apparently it was the biggest let down in her whole life
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
I don't understand. You said it was a good thing.
SNIPER says:
yeah that's what I thought, she said it was good to my face because
she didn't want to upset me. Well tonight she told me the truth, She
hated the meal, she hated Vic being here, she hated having to wait for
me to cook the food in front of her. She wanted to come over and sit
down and eat straight away. I told her that I wanted to let her watch
me cook it so that she could see it all.
SNIPER says:
She said she hated the food, too much garlic in it, I left a lot out
because know she doesn't like spices.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
that makes her sound very picky...
SNIPER says:
She said that she had started counting me up there in Boy friend
status and was starting to open up to me, well how waas I supposed to
know that she hated the food I cooked? She doesn't really talk that
much about herself, even her b/f has said that.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
Ja, you're not perfect. You can't cook towards everyone's taste. You
TRIED to do something wonderful, and really that's all that should
have mattered to her. If all that really upset her, then something is
really shoving a stick up her ass lately.
SNIPER says:
I guess I opened up too much to her and allowed myself to get too close
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
Nobody cooks the same all the time, or perfectly all the time. You
aren't perfect, you can't cater towards everyone.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
Seriously, who does she think she is? Depending on the way you cook
to see how much she'd like you? That's fucking rediculous.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
I'm sorry, but it is.
SNIPER says:
well she said it tonight, I was at b/f status according to her,
therefore I should have known all this, this is what has disappointed
her, that I really know nothing about her at all. She's not counting
me out of her life for good, she's still wanting to work on the
project, but she needs to think of me in a professional matter.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
that's bullshit. "boyfriend status". se expects far too much from you.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
Man, she's making me angry now. yay.
SNIPER says:
Apparently i was right, I was the cause of a lot of the trouble
between her and her b/f. I set the record staright tonight, i told her
that I never made a certain promise to him but that I went along with
it because I knew she would believe him over me. In anycase I'm
backing away for a while, she said that I don't have to worry about
her, her relationship or her Uni work.
SNIPER says:
we are still friends in a manner of speaking, but for a while we need
to be Director and Exec not best friends, not hanging out just about
every day.
SNIPER says:
I said that I knew something was wrong with the dinner and that I was
hopping to get another chance to do it again. She said that she'd like
to say that it will but just not for a while
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
nobody should blame their relationship problems on a friendship. if he
can't deal with you guys being friends, then something is wrong.
nothing was happening.
SNIPER says:
we have to go right back three years, right back to me seeing her
every now and then at her work when I pop in to buy food for home,
saying hi and leaving it at that. I can't do that, I can't forget what
we had, nor can I go to her work atm without questions being asked by
her co-workers, questions that both of us wouldf rather not answer. No
nothing was going on, but it sure as hell hurts deep
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
Ja, why do you put up with her bullshit? Is there something that
really made it worth it? I mean, yeah she's like that because she's
trying to protect a relationship, but...
SNIPER says:
I can't answer that, we were so good together, tonight she did it
again, I was about to say something and she said it, we have a special
connection. She put it that our connection was a little frayed and
sparking, I said that it was bent out of shape. We both agreed that we
needed to fix it, she said that time will fix it, she knows we have
that connection, I feel like she's trying to...
SNIPER says:
sever it for reasons she doesn't yet understand. Yes her b/f is a
dick. I am really growing to hate him now, but as she said, it's her
life, she has to make the choices in it. To tell you the truth Lis, I
know they will break up, i have seen it already. If I can cause him to
feel like he's threatened and I'm not even looking at her for a
relationship, then imagine what he'd be like later on ...
SNIPER says:
in life when others do make moves on her and she is interested in
them! Also the way he talks to his ex and does thing for her, the way
she speaks about Tara, man I'd really like to set her wagon straight.
Tara hates the fact that b/f will get up of the lounge just after Tara
has settled down for a cuddle, and go and talk to his ex who has just
rung up and starts saying shit about her
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
thing is, she might be one of those women who are clingy and stick
around because they are afraid of being alone. which would explain why
she puts up with him
SNIPER says:
yeah that does indeed sound like her and that's what i'm affraid of
SNIPER says:
I knew she'd listen to him over me, but I didn't think that it was
going to cause this much trouble. I have never intentionally lied to
her about anything, so tonight I had to tell her everything. She just
kept asking me over and over again if I was alright, and I kept
answering the same way, No I'm bloody not alright. She said that if i
really need her to call, but atm i can't, if i call her...
SNIPER says:
I'm admitting the wrong things, she would think that I am interested
in her obsessivly, that I can't deal with life without her (in a way
that is true), that what I told her tonight was a load of shit and
thus she'd say to me, you lied- just don't call me any more. I have to
focus my energy be it good or bad, on my work.
SNIPER says:
I set the record straight about why I'm doing the bar course next
week- I told her that atm I'm focusing on putting money in my pocket,
The security course was going to cost far too much, this course is far
cheaper and should get me work quicker and that's what it's all about
atm, me getting money in my pocket- she was suprised about that
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
sounds like me. actually, I reacted badly right afterwards and tried
calling. she wouldn't answer, so I kept calling. she picked up, told
me not to call, then hung up. I did it again because I was so
desperate. oh man. she was just like "do you know what don't call me
means??" then hung up again. It hit me then, but by then I was just
hating myself for reacting like that. It was really hard, but I
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
didn't call or message her after other than an email to say how I felt
and such. she never replied to that.
SNIPER says:
She was upset that i got drunk at her dinner, she was upset that I
said that she told me too (this is true and she doesn't deny it), but
now she tells me that she wanted me to do it away from Vic down at the
pub. How the hell was I supposed to know that? I wanted to do it away
from Vic as it was but the opportunity never came. Apparently after
the dinner, she went home crying and not even her b/f
SNIPER says:
could consol her, it took her this whole week just to get the courage
to tell me how bad the night was. She didn't want to hurt my feelings
but she couldn't keep them in any longer.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
I tell ya, Ja. she sounds really selfesh.
SNIPER says:
I told her that after getting drunk that night it really cleared my
head- to which she agreed, she's seen the progress and is impressed
with it already. I said don't look at it as a bad thing, I needed to
get drunk- you said that I should in order for my heart to finally
have it's say. It's cleared the air for me and now I have been moving
on. See that's the thing I know she's so far from selfish
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
If she were, she wouldn't have wanted everything perfect and her way.
She would have seen that you were doing this all for her and trying
your best and seen past everything.
SNIPER says:
I've been an idiot, I've talked myself up to the point where I can't
live to the expectations of others and this is what her point is. Now
I have to show her that I've changed- god knows how I am going to do
that
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
Why do you have to live to the expectations of others???
SNIPER says:
Vic could see that they weren't happy with the dinner, she said that
they seemed ungreatful for it. Tara told me that it's not that she's
ungreatful for the effort but dissapointed with the result. Vic was
worried that they didn't have a good time and tonight I found out the
truth. When I came home, I said to Vic "you were right" she said "I
knew it" I said "what",...
SNIPER says:
she replied "Tara has chosen you over Lloyd" I said "no, far from it,
that's not it at all" and she said "Oh so that's next" I said "Not
likely, you were right about them not having a good time, I found out
that they hated the meal and everything" Vic said "Hmm you cooked that
dinner out of love and now you're being slapped in the face- that's
gratitude"
SNIPER says:
I want another chance to make a better dinner for Tara but like I
said, it's going to be a long time before that happens, She said that
I might get another chance but that we have to wait a while, she needs
to get over the disappointment first
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
it's a DINNER and she's killing a friendship over that?
Ja, you're ripping apart everything you ever told me over one person.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
Why do you have to meet the expectations of others?????? someone
always gets left out, so you might as well TRY and get somewhere.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
If it doesn't get you anywhere, at least you tried, and you've got
that much. If they don't appreciate it, and they let something small
like food and who someone gets drunk around get in the way of FUN then
what the hell.
SNIPER says:
I just feel really bad because I did have feelings for her untill I
worked out why i had them and got over it. Her and I were close,
really close, really really close. I've never lost a friend like her
before, I've never been in this situation before. All my friends (you
included) don't really know all of me, you all know parts, if you put
all the parts together then you'd get about half the story
SNIPER says:
She's the first one ever to know just about the whole story
SNIPER says:
She knows more than both my kids mothers and Vic combined
SNIPER says:
I could talk to her because I thought she understood, how wrong was I.
SNIPER says:
I told her more stuff tonight, stuff from the dark side of Ja. Stuff
that only my family and those who were there know. She was worried,
she didn't want to leave and she didn't want me to leave even though
she said she needed the break. I tried walking away a few times but
she got really angry. She is as passionate as what I am, she had tears
in her eyes just like I did. I threw up because...
SNIPER says:
I couldn't handle the emotions. She just sat there thinking. I think
she was thinking that she'd done the wrong thing but I can't be
certain of that, I guess I'll never know what she was thinking.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
...
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
Ja, you told me that you could tell me anything before. does that mean you lied?
SNIPER says:
Silly thing is that right as we are speaking I'm writing her a
professional email about the film. How stupid of me, she's staying on
the project but not staying on as a friend
SNIPER says:
No no no, i haven't lied to you lis, it's just that a lot of what I
have told her is because she is here face to face with me, I only tell
somethings face to face because I'm able to look in their eyes and see
what they are thinking and if they are ready for it. It helps me deal
with what I need to say
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
oh...
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
can you tell me why you're not listening to what I'm saying to you then?
SNIPER says:
atm?
SNIPER says:
I'm not listening to much atm because I'm not in the right frame of
mind, I am however hearing what you are saying and yes it is in my
head, I will process it in due course. It's the same thing I do with
her, I did it tonight and she really hates it but the results are
therein the end
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
I really wish you would listen to me right now seeing as you're
beating yourself up over something that wasn't your fault in the least
bit.
SNIPER says:
Sorry Lis, you know what this is like? It's like I've been told that
my wife wants a divorce because my brother is a better lover than me,
it's cutting me deep. I told her that I've not slept in the pas week
because I knew something was up, I told her that i can't eat anything,
that i can't listen to any music because it all reminds me of her. I
told her that I have her voice inside my head all...
SNIPER says:
the time telling me stuff, she had a little giggle about that,
especially when we discussed which voices and what situations. No joke
Lis, I have never been like this with anyone ever in my past, so why
her?
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
because you love her?
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
it's not a sin to love a friend.
SNIPER says:
I said that to her tonight you know, I said Tara love you, but as a
friend, not as a lover, I love you that much that this is hurting, I
could see that she didn't want to hear it
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
so seriously, try to stop beating yourself up over it because it was
not your fault, and neither was the dinner. you cannot read minds, you
are not supposed to remember every single thing anyone tells you about
their tastes... it's just... I don't know. you are NOT perfect and
nobody should expect you to be.
SNIPER says:
I guess I pushed my friendship with her too far, I just hope that I
get a chance to real it back in again one day, who knows, working on
this project might help in that process. You know what, I do love her
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
good. now stop killing yourself for that. it's not wrong.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
hell, I know that life would have been easier if I had never loved
Kristin, but I DO NOT regret loving her.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
Actually, ALOT of things would not have happened if it weren't for
her, and I still love her, no matter how fucking stubborn she is. She
doesn't understand me and won't open up enough to ever want to now,
and I just have to accept that.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
I'm not perfect and don't want to be perfect. It was YOU who taught me
to be that way.
SNIPER says:
*Ducking from the ensuing onslaught of backhanded advice
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
fine. if you want me to stop, I'll stop.
SNIPER says:
no no no, don't stop sweetheart, i need it, deserve it. I've put
myself in this position and I have to suffer for it
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
arg.
SNIPER says:
Do you think I am intelligent?
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
no. if all you think of it is torture, then forget it.
of course you are.
SNIPER says:
Tara yelled at me a couple of weeks ago and she said that I was a very
intelligent guy. The other night, Vic and I were having an argument
(there's something new) and she said that I was one of the most
intelligent guys she's even knownn (a compliment after all these years
that her and I have been together).
SNIPER says:
Tara's right about one thing though, i do need to start doing things
for myself and not others
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
she's really contradicting herself on that one...
SNIPER says:
how so?
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
the dinner.
SNIPER says:
hmmmmm
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
And Tara's right? She's not the only one who's been saying that.
SNIPER says:
SNIPER says:
So\hows how much I've been listening to everyone then doesn't it, god
I have been a dick.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
no, you've been human.
SNIPER says:
Tara knows that much about me that she even knows what turns me on,
all the little things that work.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
you know one thing you should not do right now? stop putting her on a
pedestal. It really does help for the survival part. that and you
actually start listening to more than one person.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
and no, that was not a guilt trip. that was just me telling you from experience.
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
because you know... you've told me all that stuff before too, if that helps...
SNIPER says:
I put one person up there before, things went haywire between us and
we never spoke for 12 years, then she came back into my life and said
that she was sorry, it was her all along she was getting bad advice
from someone that had alterior motives and guess what I did straight
away, put her right back up there. That was untill Tara came along and
bumped her down, yes I have had Tara up there as
SNIPER says:
the ultimate woman in my life. How mistaken was I. She's just the same
as everyone else. I told her how I got over the infatuation with her.
I used her own process- this suprised her. I reasoned it out and came
to logical conclusions, it helped. So why am I hurting? I knew her and
I would never be together, I even told her my personal rule on that
matter, A rule that I implimeted after the...
SNIPER says:
Emily affair, which caused me to look long and hard at my choices in
life, this rule came into effect after you so you were safe. But Tara
got in somehow and I've ended up in the same god damd place as I
always do, Ass Out in the cold night air with a face full of dirt
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
which brings me back to the "don't put her on a pedestal" part
SNIPER says:
yeah you're right
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
I'm not expecting you to be okay right away, so I'm sorry if it seems
that way. just don't shut other people out, and actually listen to
what they have to say. it'll make things easier.
SNIPER says:
yeah
SNIPER says:
thanks
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
anytime babe
SNIPER says:
my throat is still sore from throwing up
Lili ~ OMG. EXCITEMENT!!! says:
then don't throw up anymore.
SNIPER says:
hehehe yeah
SNIPER says:
I know that really upset her when I did, she could see that my
emotions were making me pop, my eyes were streaming with tears I
couldn't talk and then I said, I'm gonna be sick, she kept saying to
me, Ja, Ja no, listen to me, Ja, but by then it was too late. And I
hate dry reching, but that's all I had in me, nothing else in there,
this is why my throat is sore
Third email (to first person again):
Mate I have been talking to Vic about all of this, and talking with
everyone, None of this makes sence. She gave me a heap of half-arsed
reasons, which talking with someone that works with her and Vic, both
have said that there is more to this than she's letting on. They think
it's the fact that because her and I were so close, she'd developed
feelings for me and with Vic and I fighting all the time, I wouldn't
leave her and my friend wouldn't leave her b/f, thus the problem
occured.
She wants to keep things priofessional between us now- go back to just
working on the film as Director and Exec. I see things to do with what
I am trying to film and I think "Oh I must tell Tara about that" and
then I remember I can't because we apparently need a break and for a
split second I don't know why that it is. I feel really bad mate, I
really do. I could talk to her about anything and everything- she was
the only person that could get in to the dark places of my life and
bring a ray of light and hope. Not even Vic has ever done that!
She was the only person that actually took time out to really get to
know me for who I am and accepted me for all the flaws I have. Vic
still doesn't- sure she's making more of an effort these days but Tara
gave unconditionally and wanted, well I thought wanted nothing in
return. Last night just really ripped me apart. I got that emotional
talking with her that I had to throw up. I had rage, anger, dispare
everything running on full strength. All I wanted was a friend that
could share thing with me and that got thrown back in my face. I tiold
her that she was the only person that not only uncorked the bottle of
dark things inside me, but she damd smashed the bottle, her responce
"Oh come on, well don't glue the bottle back together".
She didn't believe me about what I told her about my mother, I said to
her, fine you want to talk to my father about it? She said, no he
harbours the same feelings if not worse. I thought about asking her if
she wanted to talk to my brother and sister but I figured no use,
she's made up her mind. An inccident happened a few weeks ago that
caused some probs between her and her b/f, I knew it would have but
she insisted and promised me that she'd not tell him (no I didn't kiss
her or do anything like that- we just went swiming together when i
took some pics and she- knowing full well I'm a naturist told me to go
naked because i didn't have my cossies with us). She told me a few
weeks after that she had told him and that they had had a fight over
it- he said that I made a promise to him that I would never be naked
around her (I told him I was a naturist as well). I remember the
conversation and my mind can be like a photo memory when called upon
to. Now last night I told her that I never made such a promise but
that I only agreed because I knew she wouldn't believe me over him on
that point, then I recited the entire conversation and all I got was
"Ja how do I know that's the truth? How do I know it's not some
bullshit you're making up". I said to her "See there's my point, you
would rather believe him over me".
We're taking a break for a while, still working on the film which is
hard for me because she's my exec (I made her my exec originally
because she gave me many good ideas on getting the film done and has
given me the drive and push to move on with it. Our friendship was
that close that I wouldn't have to say anything and she'd finish the
conversation- she did it again last night and I told her how much I
hate that. She had a laugh and said sorry, Vic doesn't even do that,
she does when we're recounting movie lines but not random
conversations.
I think I got too close to her and something happened that scared her,
Vic and a workmate of Tara's reckon that she fell for me in a big way
which in hindsight may be the truth considering the context of her
conversation last night. But they also think that she has a self
destructive personality and that when something or someone good comes
along, she sabotages her life in order to maintain the victim
mentality. This is something that her and I had in common though now I
am aware of it and have been doing something about it. I said to her
last night that I couldn't go for her due to a personal rule I have (I
never see anyone under 25, it's proven to be too much hastle in the
past. They need to experience life and guys a bit more, go out to
night clubs and get trashed, it's part of the life experience that
everyone needs), now considering she's only 22 this means that my rule
is in effect with her. I have also told her that I need a friend more
than I need sex (she smiled and had a bit of a giggle, but you could
see the disappointment in her eyes). Shes a damd fine kid, really
really smart and will do well in the police force which is where she
wants to be after uni.
I could talk to her about everything, there were times when I was
naked around her (she'd turn up just after or just before I got in the
shower, she said to go ahead, I mean she was chopping up body parts at
uni so my body was nothing) and I felt free and safe, knowing full
well that she wouldn't make a move on me and I know I wouldn't make a
move on her. I could talk to her about naturist issues and show her
stuff concerning that, she was interested, but her b/f who is really
abusive towards her and controling, told her that if she ever did
anything it would be trouble, she wanted to know more about it she
even said so. She wanted to know more about everything in my life, we
even took trips to the airport what with me being a member of HARS, I
showed her around and told her stuff about the planes, she loved it,
her b/f never pays attention to her unless he want sex and he told me
that she hates how he just comes over and goes straight for her boobs,
it's like there is nothing else on her. I always wanted to
concerntrait on what was in her mind, it helped me focus on my film
and everything else in my life.
I have very few friends that I can talk about my naturist stuff with,
but only one was willing to allow me to express it. Now I have nothing
and no one and this is why I feel so bad. Everything I had with her is
gone and for what? I don't know the reason. She said that me calling
her my best friend was unjustified because I had proven on the night
of her birthday dinner that I don't know anything about her- ha, I
know as much about her as her b/f does and that's not much at all, I
know more about him and he and I always talked about her and what we
knew. She just doesn't talk about herself to anyone for any reason.
Apparently i let her down in a big way on that night, she went home
crying and not even her b/f could calm her down. I'm not a fucking
mind reader, if there was something she didn't like she should have
bloody told me, not pretend everything was fine and then harbour deep
resentment becaus she felt it was a crap night. I cooked her dinner,
she was upset that it wasn't ready when she got here, she asked me why
it wasn't and I told her (which Vic will back me up on this because I
do it with Vic also), I wanted it to a)be a hot meal and b) I wanted
her to see me cooking it so that she could see what I was doing and
how much I was putting into it. She told me she hated the meal because
it had too much garlic in it, I left the other herbs and spices out
which would have balanced it all out as it normally does because I
knew she doesn't like spices or herbs. She asked why I didn't cook
what she wanted (seafood) and I said that I wanted to please everyone
and since Vic doesn't eat seafood I had to find an alternative, I
asked her b/f to help me choose, gave him the options of Spag Bol-
which I didn't want to do because I'd cooked that for her before and I
need herbs and spices in it, or Strogg, We settled on Strogg it was
quick, simple and easy to make and everyone would have liked it. Tara
ate just the meat, not the rice, not the veggies nothing in it except
the meat. At first she told me that she was full, well last night she
told me the truth, she didn't like the meal, she grew up on Strogg,
she was so disappointed in the night that she jsut didn't want to be
here at all. She also doesn't like Vic and the fact that Vic was here
made her night even worse apparently. Also the fact that another
friend didn't make it due to finding out a close friend of his had
died that day, made her think the night wasn't worth diddly. I cleaned
the house from top to toe, I made the meal with love and heart I tried
my best to have a damd good time and what don I get for it? YOU DON'T
REALLY KNOW ME AT ALL- WE NEED A BREAK FROM EACH OTHER!
She has said that I have another social problem, which admittedly I
do, it's a barrier defence thing- we all have one. Well she said she
needs me to fix it and show her that I've fixed it if we are to still
be friends. My dad has told me before that I have this problem but
because it's dad who listens to him right? Well Vic has told me
tonight that I have it but unlike everyone else, Vic is the only one
that has given me a starting point towards fixing it. It's called
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, I've been reading up on it all night,
facinating stuff. Also associated towards Rational Emotive Behaviour
Therapy. The idea behind these are that when a person goes through a
negative patch, they turn it around into a positive thought, thus
elliminating the need for behaviour modification drugs like Anti
Depressants. This is where you come in my dear friend, all these
wonderful friendship emails you've been sending me they are actually
great towards CBT and REBT. A friend of mine many years ago used to
write good stuff on post-it notes and stick them all over the place,
now I know why and it's something I need to do as well.
Tara and I have so much in common it's really not funny- I guess this
is why we need the break, I have gotten too close to her and it has
scared her. But like I want to know- why should I suffer because
someone else is scared of something that isn't really there? The last
time something like this happened to me, it cut me up for a very very
long time. Last year after 12 years of no contact, that person came
back. I thought it was something I had done, turns out that it was
actually someone else playing the wrong info into her ears and forcing
us apart (gee why does this sound so familiar now)?- last time is was
a female friend who wanted my friend for herself, this time it's a
jelous b/f who can't stand the fact that his g/f has a really good
friend. Perhaps over time she'll see what has happened and come back.
I already know that Tara and her b/f are going to break up, it's just
a question of when, he's already looking around at other girls and has
started moving away from her. He's changed all the plans they
originally made together and she has the shits with him over it.
Another guy that we know pointed out a few home truths a couple of
weeks ago, I know these have been playing on her mind- but like the
Tauran she is, she's fighting them off and sticking head down to
charge anyone that messes with her plans. The other fact is that they
are both young, he's not even 21 yet. They both have a lot of life to
go, she wants him to be there all the time for her, he wants time with
his friends, time to play his play station and the only time he wants
with her is for sex. At least with me I made her use her mind.
Last night when she said she wanted the time apart, I went to go but
she'd never let me go, she kept saying that I was not in the right
frame of mind to drive, perhaps she's right but if you have nothing to
say to someone then don't you just leave it at that? She kept asking
me if I was alright, I kept answering her the truth "No I'm bloody not
alright". I calmed down after a while, we did talk and had a few
jokes- well she had a few laughs at the silly stuff I was saying, but
I'm still not alright, I won't be untill I have her back here and
talking to me. Or someone else that can be like her but not actually
be her. I told her that I loved her- not like her b/f, not in a
relationship manner, I love her in a deep friend kind of way. I told
her that I have been worried about her uni work (It's slipped big time
and considering she'd on the home stretch now that's a big thing). I
told her that I am worried about the detramental effect of her
breaking up with him. She said not to worry anymore, in fact if they
do break up it would probably do her uni work a heap of good because
she buries her head to avoid dealing with things thus she'd smash the
final uni exam.
She said that she could see the difference in my life over the past
week, I've become a different person. This has been my only saving
grace with her. She said that I have done so well in the past week.
She wants to keep me as a friend, but we need to back off a bit. I
knew it and last night she confirmed it, I have been the cause of many
of her relationship problems lately. She did it again, she proved that
we have that connection by saying something I was about to say, I got
really upset and angry, she asked what was wrong and I told her "You
just did it again" she laughed and said sorry, I said that it proves
we have a connection to which she replied "yes we do don't we, but at
the moment it's frayed and sparking, we need to mend it. I said it was
bent and that we need to heat it up and bend it back into shape- she
didn't like that annalogy, thining about it now I guess she was
thinking I was refering to the heat treatment as something else, but
in fact I was thinking along the lines of a steel bar, proof that the
connection isn't working fully.
I said to her that I've been asking other people for advice on the
current situation, and she flew off the handle at me. She said that I
shouldn't be talking to other people about our problems. She doesn't
realise that this is how I work things out, this is how I get advice
on how to deal with things. Besides, some of the people who have been
talking to me are people who have seen what has happened and are
asking me what's going on- what have I done to upset her. Well lets
just say that I don't think a trip to Coles will be a good idea
anytime soon. Her roster has just changed and I don't know it now so
rather than face an awkward unpleasentness from her serving me, I'll
just go to Woolies for a while, they have more of a variety anyway
except that I can only get my cranberry juice from coles now and that
really sucks.
I have a list of things I want to do now, I'm going to try and focus
my energy on getting those things. Perhaps oneday I will find a friend
that was as good as her, allowed me to be me and accepted me for who
and what I am, till then i'll just exist as I have done so before!
Stay safe my friend and thanks for caring enough to make sure I am ok,
we may not share the same life choices or lifestyles but at least you
don't make me feel bad about them