(no subject)

[jas777]

Written on a piece of scratch paper, a proper representation of  the emotions running through my mind.  To be picked up and used, abused and tossed away.  I know they still appreciate me; I know he still loves me, but my mind can't help but ask why.  What reasoning is there for my to be on the recieving end of positivity?  I'm not worth it!  There are no redeeming qualities to my persona and being.  I know this is a past emotional wave finally making it to shore, pushed along by the gravity of my self-defeating tendencies.  I'm just tried of feeling like all I'm good for is other people's pleasure and happiness. Can I cash in some positive karma points?  That's a lie; the boy goes out of his way to make me happy.  That's why upsetting him hurt me so bad, and even though we're adults and talking it out I still have this lingering sense off self-doubt and destruction.  Getting my thoughts on paper always helps; even if it's virtual.  This is still the happiest I think I've been in my entire life, which is probably why fucking up really really hurts right now.  I thought I was over being a failure then it comes back and kicks me in the face to remind me who and what I really am.  Wow, that's fairly dramatic.  Just seeing my thoughts visually helps mee validate how rediculous they actually are.  This isn't something I would probably post for public display; but every now and again I think everyone gets a little curious on how everyone else's mental process works, so up it goes!

I love you all, and appreciate you all.  Life is beautiful, no matter what yourself or others may say. :)