I haven't been doing well....
I do what I can to to find a new and better job for the summer and fall. Hopefully a teaching job so I can graduate this winter. And afford to move out.
but no takers and to make matter more frustrating, the past three weeks have been medically painful, to literally nauseating, to emotionally difficult.
This week, it's the kids. Well my whole job, not really the kids themselves. I am trying really hard to give them the best I can, but coworkers, hours, are all being cut, which cuts off friendships, support, and makes me worry about money even more.
But the kids...well they haven't been the easiest to handle this week. Yesterday I found myself tearing up in a library sipping juice fro ma junior cup. The pressure to keep composed and on top of things while in the presence of the kids just blew the cover off me as soon as they left.
Today I had a weirdly unsettling moment when an eight year old's crush came to arguments.
The romeo, a young boy whose innocent (and a little slow) thinking causes him to weave his fingers in front of him and rock back and forth like in the old cartoons. The object of his affection, an oblivious and quickly growing irate bespectacled third grader who reacts to the romeo's tagging along with shouts, and kisses with shrieks. She does not like this kid.
And he didn't see it.
He was already yelled at by the gym teacher for trying to kiss people (the romeo is very affectionate with almost everyone), has been pushed and kicked by the target of his affection, and looked around confused when all the girls in his class whispered about him and what he wasn't grasping.
So I tried to make things easy on him by telling him she just didn't like him back. I should have expected the tears and sobbing, but I certainly didn't expect my frozen gut, deep guilt, self disgust. As he turned away from me, pushing his overly large glasses up, hands to his eyes, making that low siren sound the young are so good at, I found myself sick at what I had done. I had hurt him, in a way I had been hurt, and though he may forget about it tomorrow, I felt like I could never look at him again without knowing that I betrayed a fellow dreamer and misunderstood puppy-love producer. I had burst his bubble, brought the realization the person of his affection could never bring (try as she might. I was trying to save his dignity and keep him from doing things that would get him in trouble, and my decision was pretentious, and possibly short sighted.
poor kid, I've been there, buddy. Didn't mean to bring you there so soon.
Luckily my coworker was still on, it left me the ability to go off to another corner of the yard, and feel like shit.
now I am trying to wash my laundry and plan dinner. Wish I wasn't all by myself.
but no takers and to make matter more frustrating, the past three weeks have been medically painful, to literally nauseating, to emotionally difficult.
This week, it's the kids. Well my whole job, not really the kids themselves. I am trying really hard to give them the best I can, but coworkers, hours, are all being cut, which cuts off friendships, support, and makes me worry about money even more.
But the kids...well they haven't been the easiest to handle this week. Yesterday I found myself tearing up in a library sipping juice fro ma junior cup. The pressure to keep composed and on top of things while in the presence of the kids just blew the cover off me as soon as they left.
Today I had a weirdly unsettling moment when an eight year old's crush came to arguments.
The romeo, a young boy whose innocent (and a little slow) thinking causes him to weave his fingers in front of him and rock back and forth like in the old cartoons. The object of his affection, an oblivious and quickly growing irate bespectacled third grader who reacts to the romeo's tagging along with shouts, and kisses with shrieks. She does not like this kid.
And he didn't see it.
He was already yelled at by the gym teacher for trying to kiss people (the romeo is very affectionate with almost everyone), has been pushed and kicked by the target of his affection, and looked around confused when all the girls in his class whispered about him and what he wasn't grasping.
So I tried to make things easy on him by telling him she just didn't like him back. I should have expected the tears and sobbing, but I certainly didn't expect my frozen gut, deep guilt, self disgust. As he turned away from me, pushing his overly large glasses up, hands to his eyes, making that low siren sound the young are so good at, I found myself sick at what I had done. I had hurt him, in a way I had been hurt, and though he may forget about it tomorrow, I felt like I could never look at him again without knowing that I betrayed a fellow dreamer and misunderstood puppy-love producer. I had burst his bubble, brought the realization the person of his affection could never bring (try as she might. I was trying to save his dignity and keep him from doing things that would get him in trouble, and my decision was pretentious, and possibly short sighted.
poor kid, I've been there, buddy. Didn't mean to bring you there so soon.
Luckily my coworker was still on, it left me the ability to go off to another corner of the yard, and feel like shit.
now I am trying to wash my laundry and plan dinner. Wish I wasn't all by myself.