(no subject)
Is it so wrong to be tired of pain.. tired of being the receiver, the concerned one, the one that actually believe(d) in something obviously so false as a word. Tired of being proven wrong in thinking that opening yourself is a good thing.
Well, as history dictates, love is idiocy. Before this last, I had finished looking for it all together; however I allowed it. Seems that was the mistake..
It would be no different that every time you hear someone coming down your chimney you run downstairs to see Santa, and it's a guy with a gun robbing you. The second time, sure it's a different guy, but there's the gun.
Each time allowed myself to care, to be receptive to a feeling of connection. Each time I opened myself up wider than any before them, and each time I was swallowed whole.
Each time, I ran with the emotional mentality of a goldfish to see who it is.. Now the bars are up.
So, now I won't get hurt; now I won't have to worry about women; now I won't have to worry about patterns, synchronicities or romance.
Besides, what's the acceptance of love but acceptance of pain. Just as life is, there is death.. just as love there is loss. Everything must balance, however somehow I was ill-equipped to have anything but the abundance of the negative.
I know I deserve so much more than that; obviously more than anyone can give.
So I say fuck anything but the momentary. No more attachments, no more desire, no more letting anyone but myself make me smile. I'll fuck, and I'll be the one to not call. I'll fall in love, and I'll be the one to wall up and run. I'll do what others have taught, that caring about yourself means not being able to care about others.
I'm going to find each and every letter, every picture, every email and every chat handle of every girl I have ever let myself trust, and burn them, metaphoric or otherwise. (this does not include those who I'm still friends with, however, as I don't see that past in them... otherwise.. where would the friendship be but a falacy)
Well, as history dictates, love is idiocy. Before this last, I had finished looking for it all together; however I allowed it. Seems that was the mistake..
It would be no different that every time you hear someone coming down your chimney you run downstairs to see Santa, and it's a guy with a gun robbing you. The second time, sure it's a different guy, but there's the gun.
Each time allowed myself to care, to be receptive to a feeling of connection. Each time I opened myself up wider than any before them, and each time I was swallowed whole.
Each time, I ran with the emotional mentality of a goldfish to see who it is.. Now the bars are up.
So, now I won't get hurt; now I won't have to worry about women; now I won't have to worry about patterns, synchronicities or romance.
Besides, what's the acceptance of love but acceptance of pain. Just as life is, there is death.. just as love there is loss. Everything must balance, however somehow I was ill-equipped to have anything but the abundance of the negative.
I know I deserve so much more than that; obviously more than anyone can give.
So I say fuck anything but the momentary. No more attachments, no more desire, no more letting anyone but myself make me smile. I'll fuck, and I'll be the one to not call. I'll fall in love, and I'll be the one to wall up and run. I'll do what others have taught, that caring about yourself means not being able to care about others.
I'm going to find each and every letter, every picture, every email and every chat handle of every girl I have ever let myself trust, and burn them, metaphoric or otherwise. (this does not include those who I'm still friends with, however, as I don't see that past in them... otherwise.. where would the friendship be but a falacy)