State of Jari Address
A dear friend of mine, karnalis, came up with a great idea, one which I shall shamelessly steal and use to my own nefarious, cougary purposes. (Tremble ye mortals!) Anyhow, I'm going to reflect upon my life as it was, is, and may be in the future. You have been warned. Run away now while you still can....
2004 in Review
(These are just a few highlights and this is by no means an exhaustive list.)
-I went to Tucson in 2004! I love to travel, and new places are always calling my name. I've come to the conclusion that the road is where I was meant to be. Of course, I've only rarely been on it, so I can't say that with any degree of certainty. But apparently my immune system kicks into overdrive or something when I'm on the road, because I am at my healthiest when I'm someplace brand new. Of course, this is helped considerably by the fact that everyone feels better when they're away from the Treasure Valley (something in the air, apparently), and that often, people who have stayed away for very long develop new allergies to things in the area (usually Russian Olive) when they move back. But that is neither here nor there. I love to go new places. And I'd probably love to travel if I wasn't everything-sick. :-3 And the best kinds of journeys are those with loved ones at the end of them! Thank you so much, Cameron and my family in Tucson, Arizona for letting me stay with you. And a super-big especially huge thanks to karnalis and talkingdonkey for being there for me to cuddle and snuggles lots! It was a pure pleasure to finally meet you two, and I shall never forget my trip down there, even if I have a tendency to forget that things ever happened. I saw new and wonderful sights, cuddled new and wonderful people, tasted new and wonderful food, and learned totally new and wonderful things. Like why cougars live in northern latitudes...it was something like 110, and poor Neko was near frozen! o.0 Honestly, I loved the desert you two showed me, and I'm afraid I acclimated or something while I was there, because I am freezing back here in Idaho! o.0 I've been to Alaska and Arizona now. Is Alabama next? o.0
-Speaking of Alaska, I did not go to Alaska in 2004. I've flown up once a year for the past several years, but this past year I did not go. It was a good thing I didn't, and my absence accomplished what I hoped it would: I've remembered my love of Alaska. Often when I do something too often, or before I'm ready for it psychologically/emotionally, it looses its meaning and/or I hate doing it. I think that's true of most of us; new things loose their novelty after a while. I took this year off from Alaska to set my life and my future (or more accurately, my approach to whatever the future may bring) in order. I feel I've done so, and am much more at peace inwardly for it. Last time I went to Alaska, the experience was similar to being dragged backwards down the freeway. And not because of anything that greeted me in Alaska. I regret that I didn't fully (or even kind of?) appreciate my time with my dear friend melathys, or do any of the wonderful things I could have. Or ever stayed very long. I didn't want to be there because I had too much mostly-non-Alaska-related emotional (and I daresay spiritual) turmoil going on, mostly because I felt utterly directionless. After 3 years, I've finally totally let go of the massive blow my ego sustained in Montana. Well, technically it wasn't just in Montana, but Montana was the final of several blows, the straw that broke the camel's back, as they say. Now though, I have finally regained my equilibrium; I've learned from what happened and I have moved on. That's the best anyone can hope for from any situation in life, and I think it makes the experience worth the having, even if it hurt. Let me clarify: I've had fantastic times in Alaska. I've made several friends and many enduring memories that I shall never forget, and will always bring a smile to my face. So many wonderful memories.... Nor was Montana any less enchanting; It was amazing to meet bricket and to spend time with her, and I will never forget our walks through the snow or that silly play, Horse Scents, starring one Avaricia Slime. :-3 But I did some things I shouldn't have, and the pain I caused stayed with me for a long time. The worst of my "sins", I think, was that I ran away from my responsibilities. And as my time in Montana drew to a close, I was helped to the terrifying realization that I may be able to run, but I can never hide from myself. That was the blow that broke me. Breaking is not bad. When a bone has healed wrong, you must break it, and then set it properly, or else it will stay malformed forever. The same is true of people. I had some things in me that were wrong. Just plain wrong. Very deep down things. It wasn't until I was broken that I could be fixed. Even though the breaking hurt, it has accomplished something much better. And now I feel that it has healed again, Properly, this time. Thank you, both of you, for helping me along this path.
-There was rekindled in me a fire I'd nearly forgotten about, and believed had gone out. That of wanderlust. talkingdonkey and cometica between them showed me that there is much still to be known in this world, and that the only way to know it is to experience it. And that the trip can always be as exciting (or even more so) than the destination if you let it. Both taught me that change is a continuous thing, but it is up to me whether the changes are good or bad. It took a dragon in New York City to flip my cup back over to the way it should be: half full instead of half empty. And it took a felinid ferret-dragon in Arizona to open my eyes so that I could see again the realms of limitless possibility and hope for a new tomorrow. Thank you, both of you. For everything.
- _amf_ came to Idaho. Just to visit, and then only for a few days, but it was a marvelous visit, even if it ended on a bad note for her. It was a great experience, and I learned new things, even about Idaho. You never appreciate where you live until you can see it through another's eyes. I'm very grateful for a glimpse through monkey eyes. :-3 Our tentative friendship grew much closer because of the visit, and I think she has grown a lot from the lessons she learned here. Idaho is her "Montana", I guess. :-3 I know I have learned much from those very lessons, even if they weren't directed at me. :-3
-I got an IM in 2003 from someone from Meridian. It was a big step into the unknown for him to contact me, but I'm glad he did. I'd been kind of drifting away from (more like forgetting about) my furriness, and although even when we met in "real life" last summer I didn't feel particularly furry, I was reminded that I am not alone. More precisely, I learned to my startlement that I am not the only furry in "freakin' purgatory" (Not that I dislike Idaho; that's just what Colleen calls it and I think it's funny). And although he's gone away to Seattle now, and we never really talked that much, his IM kind of triggered a trickle (and then a flood) that wouldn't even begin to show until 2004. In 2004 I received random introductory IM's and/or emails from Jake Paws who I hadn't heard from him in years, and met for the first time: Kami, Star, Draco, Koiby, Ryan, Inangus, and others besides, all of which are furry and live in Idaho. And beyond the borders, forgottenwolf, Kentaru, and noble_a_wolf. It's been an honor to know and speak with them, and a very strange feeling to know I can talk to them and help them deal with (and they in turn help me deal with) things that no ordinary person ever has to be afraid of. Especially in the case of noble_a_wolf and Hut-Kun (whom I met in 2005), it has a been a great learning experience. I'm honored to know every last one of you. Thank you.
-I learned in 2004 that Idaho is like a giant strip of fly-paper, and I am not its only victim. When "the gang" graduated from high school (a year after I did), they stayed together for a year, and then split to the wind, from nuclear aircraft carriers to NAU (hmmm...maybe Arizona is another sink in the universe's plans o.0 ), top-secret government bomb bunkers to Fairbanks, Alaska (that's me!). But we all came back! o.0 Veronica came home to visit before shipping out on the USS Enterprise (actually, I dunno if she's even shipped out yet, much less if she's on that ship, but it would be insanely fitting if she is), Phil left on his Mission after stopping by to say hi (no one has heard from him since, but he should be home soon :-3 ), drfrank flew back to Meridian from Florida with the possible intent of staying, David is back here for a few more months (working at T-Mobile in Meridian) before his deployment abroad performing top-secret work for the government, sed has a job in Nampa (congrats!), thedarkadonis lives in Meridian and has a "real" job (just kidding!) at T-Mobile with David, Justin came home to visit before going back to whatever it is he was doing in the Air Force, womanofthecraft and myusernamehere both moved to Nampa, and rumor has it Thad is thinking of moving in with the gang in Meridian. I'm not sure I believe that; Thad is the eternal and unchanging presence in Middleton. Balance in the universe and all. :-3 But either way, it seems they are all being drawn into a big ball of ganginess (Nampa and Meridian are practically within city limits of each other), leaving me way the heck out here in Middleton. That's okay, I intend to get a jump on them all and move to Boise. :-3 And by the time I have enough money to do that, Boise should have assimilated Meridian and Nampa...and Middleton...and most the rest of the Valley. :-P
-Someone had the audacity to buy the vacant lot next to our house and build a huge house that completely blocks my sunset-viewing horizon! Now if I want a picture of the sunset, all I get is a glowing sky behind a giant ugly house. It's not a sunset without the sun! Now when I say huge house, I don't mean "this house wasn't that big, but was strategically placed to blot out as much of the sunset as possible", I mean "this guy owns the construction business and so has all the proper tools to ensure this house was strategically placed to blot out the entire sunset". I finally understand why my parents moved out of the house I grew up in. I mean, I knew it was because they felt too crowded, but now I understand what it is like to feel sp crowded I have to leave. Our nearest neighbors used to be nearly around the bend in the gully, so that I could pretend there was no one there, and I could stand on my property and point to each house I could see clear to the horizon, and count them on one hand. But now, with these new neighbors, the sure spread of humanity into even the most sacred sanctuaries (that is, my line of sight :-3 ) is inevitable. On the up side, these new neighbors are rich enough that they probably won't be able to survive in the dead-zone that is our little hole, so either they're going to pay to get cable lines put in (so I can finally have decent internet access), or they'll move out. :-3
-I unsubscribed from Ottercomics. Ever since I began doing comic strips, it's been an eternal war between work and stripping. Finally, in 2004, I knew that my comic life was doomed so long as I had any semblance of a real one, and took Study Abroad off of its pathetic two year hiatus, and hit the big ol' delete button on the archives. And a little later on, I unsubscribed from the email group so that I was finally no longer a part of Ottercomics, Pandora Comics, or whatever they decided to call it today. Or so I though. Around Christmas time, 2004, I get a phone call from WEKM, a non-stripping (sorry, it amuses me to call comic strip-writing "stripping", and myself a "stripper" :-3 ) member of the Ottercomics "family". He said he was at the Highway 20 Exit and couldn't find a Shell station anywhere. I directed him back onto the interstate and to Exit 25, then hurriedly jumped into my car and took off for work. This is how I met WEKM, in "real life", and we talked for an hour or two mostly about his truck driving experiences and how he'd made it his mission to visit most of the Ottercomics family iRL. I got pictures of him and his truck (he's a truck driver), and then he had to go. It was an interesting experience, and proof that stripping is a virus, and once you have it, it's terminal, and it will come back to haunt you no matter where you hide, even in "freakin' purgatory". :-3
-I met and got to know a real-life honest-to-goodness gay male. A friend of mine once decided he was gay and made overtures in my general direction (this was how I learned that under no circumstances was I gay, although how straight I am is an entirely different question :-3), but he was newly "out of the closet" and it didn't last long before he decided to be straight again, so I didn't learn much from him. Noble, on the other hand, is gay and has been for some time. So it's been quite a learning experience, and I've seen or heard nothing I can see might possibly be a basis for any of the "gay" stereotypes out there. Not that I was expecting to. But most stereotypes have a tiny grain of truth in them, usually so warped out of shape it's nearly undetectable. Maybe Noble's a big exception, despite that he calls most everything he does "gay". Thanks tons, Noble, for broadening my horizons! You're a great guy, and honestly, I have yet to see any difference between you and a straight guy, except that you don't throw a piston rod when I bring up subjects related (even distantly) to homosexuality, and that you have a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. :-3
-I got laid in 2004. Well, laid off, anyways. When the year began, I was working for a plastic-molding company named Quintex. Quintex was fast going under, and so I got laid off. I actually asked to be laid off, because I knew that one and only one person had to go, and I was the only one there that wasn't supporting a family. Quintex shot itself in its failing heart when it fired Pat a week later for too many missed days. Pat was the only person holding the whole mess together. I felt sorry for him. He was a month past the mandatory (legally enforced) 90-day temp-to-hire period, and he was still a temp. Because the floor manager had quit to take a job at Micron (when the rats jump overboard, you know the ship is sinking), Pat has all the duties of the floor manager on top of all the ones of an operator and the only person who had the slightest clue what they were doing. All this, and he wasn't even an employee! He was a temp, and he dared not mention that it was against the law for them not to hire him on full time a month past, because the last temp to do that was "let go" the very same day without explanation. Anyhow, last time I checked, Quintex was still around, because I heard Press #8 chugging away as ever when I drove by, but there was only one car parked in the parking lot for the whole of graveyard shift. When they laid me off, they bought a new refrigerator for the break room, and new brooms for the whole building. There seems to be only one employee at Quintex now, but I bet he's got a couch and TV and all kindsa fun stuff in that break room.... :-3
-I worked for a new level of government in 2004. City-level. The City of Nampa, to be exact. My first job was with the federal government, and let me tell you, there are few things more satisfying than receiving your paycheck in an envelope marked "Department of the Interior. The contents of this envelope are for the recipient's eyes only. Violators will be prosecuted". :-3 Later, in 2003, I was a substitute several times in the Middleton School District. The State of Idaho signs your paychecks for teaching-related positions, so I consider it working for the state government. But I was working directly with the city of Nampa, not merely by technicality. I was a temp working for the Nampa Department of Recreation, running a concession stand at a baseball park at West Middle School. Entirely on my own and without supervision. It was the closest to a manager or contracted position that I'd ever been. :-3 Alas, I got "let go" rather abruptly for "leaving the door unlocked", but I suspect ulterior motives there. Ultimately it was for the best, I think. Either way, I learned (when I raised issue with the circumstances of my dismissal) that a temp agency cares only about itself, not its employees. I also learned that just because she's your manager does not mean she has in any way the slightest clue what she's doing. And I was reminded that God's keeping an eye on me, even if I don't understand what's going on. A week after I was fired, a random car passing through an intersection at exactly the time I would have been passing through that same intersection had I still been working there was caught in gang-related crossfire with a dozen or so bullet passing through the vehicle. The driver only suffered minor injuries, but they said he would have been dead had s/he been seated higher, or if the car had been larger/further off the ground. Like a suburban. Like the suburban I drive.
-I got my first "normal" job. My first job was with the US Fish and Wildlife Service (terrain scouting). Then Valley Air Service (crop dusting). Haunted Woods (scaring people). Then through a temp agency: Franklin Building Supply (lumber yard), Quintex (plastic injection molding), Nampa Parks & Recreation (concessions). Admittedly, "lumber yard" isn't that unusual a job, but it was only for one day, so I don't count it. :-3 And while "concessions" is a pretty normal job, relatively few fresh-out-of-school people do it unsupervised for an hourly wage. And then, just as my Concessions job was fading into the sunset, I got a phone call from Ross asking me if I wanted to be a stocker. (Since I'm already one of those scary axe-murderers on the internet, it was the logical next step. :-3 ) so I started working at 44 Quick Stop, a gas station, first as a stocker, then as a cashier (my first promotion ever; $5.50 to $6.00). I've been with 44 Quick Stop over a year now.
In 2004, I finally accepted (and thus facilitated) the union of my male- and female sides, neither in majority, neither in minority. It was slow, I'm not even sure if it really came to a head in 2004, but I feel now that I finally really have transcended gender. :-3 I had previously transcended species, after years of emotional/spiritual growth, but now I think I've conquered gender as well. I am me. Not a guy, not a girl, not a cougar, not a squirrel, just...me. Not none of the above, but all of the above. :-3 I'm one step closer to being a JOAT. And not just a billy JOAT anymore. Next step? Prolly transcending knowledge. We'll see what the wind brings, and where it carries me.
The State of the Jari
(as of March 28, 2005)
Education/Career:
I have applied and plan to attend BSU this fall. And although I put "Visual Arts" (that is, photography, in my case) on the application, I consider myself undeclared. We'll see where the Lord leads me, eh? I think I will end up in a job that uses all of my attributes, including my caring for people, enjoyment of storytelling, and love of new places; along with my gifts, including my empathy (I call it "hacking" people :-3 ) and introspectiveness. In the more immediate, I hope to be working for Princess Cruises this summer in Alaska, selling souvenirs out of a gift shop in the Alaskan wilderness. :-3
Religion/spirituality/furriness:
I feel I am growing continually closer to God in much the way I am growing inwardly. My overall grade is "A". But I understand more and more who I am, what I'm here for, and thus have a glimmering of where I'm headed. Either way, I'm becoming more content with it all, and reassured that no matter where I go or what I do, God will take care of me. He hasn't failed me yet, and He's not about to abandon me now. So I guess "content", is where I sit now, though I need to work more on my externality, and remember that while God may offend some people, He is a part of who I am, and hiding Him for fear of offending people is only denying myself. I'm not saying I plan on stuffing God in peoples' faces. But I need to stop pretending He's not there except when I'm totally alone. :-3 As to furriness, Star and I have organized a furry meetup next Saturday at Zoo Boise. Our eventual goal is to have a convention in Boise. I think it's a wonderful idea, and being "First Mate"/second in command feels much more comfortable than spear-heading leader. It allows me to be effectively in control without actually being in control. I guess this newfound insight into myself will also play into my eventual career.
Fiends/loved ones/family:
I love my family. And it's has grown much in the last little while. In 2004, my second-oldest brother was married. In 2005 so far, my brother's new wife has announced she's expecting, and they're in the final stages of adopting James, her son by a previous relationship (I guess?). My oldest brother is also married and has four step-children, the oldest of which has just had a son, making my brother a grandfather, my parents great-grandparents, and myself a great-uncle. o.0 The family Pinochle games are going to become quite large, I think. Helen (my brother's new wife) is a natural for that game, and fits very well into this family. The similarity, emotionally, between my two brothers' respective wives doesn't bode well for me, though.... :-3 Especially given that some of my female friends have matching personalities.... o.0
Social life:
I am by nature a dyadic person. I like to deal one-on-one with people. When I'm in a group lager than this, I try to break it town into one-on-one. Online, this isn't much of a problem, given the one-on-one nature of Instant Messengers. I have a tendency to spontaneously implode when I'm in a chat room, though. Especially if there is very many people. In real life, I am the same way. Except I'm much more uncomfortable in large groups...and tend to intentionally fade away until I can separate someone out of the herd. This was part of my ulterior motive for accepting the job at 44 Quick Stop. It was/is my first job involving extensive people-interaction. Thus forcing me to become more comfortable around groups of people in the real world. And in my opinion, it's worked very well. I'm much more comfortable with myself, and have learned much about society as a whole. Namely, that there are different rules for interacting with society as a whole, and what those rules are (roughly). I see this continuing to increase, though I note that my online ability to express myself has fallen off a little. I guess it's a give-and-take thing.
Relationships:
Ina nutshell, I'm happily single and have no plans to change that. I have many close and wonderful friends that I value very deeply, but I have no intention of anything beyond friendship, albeit deep, with any of them, nor, again, any plans to change this in the foreseeable future. But I've learned to be laid back about such things. What will happen, will happen, be it a meeting or a parting or finding love or something else entirely. It will be as it will be.
Physical/emotional health:
Physically: I'm more than a bit out of shape. I need to work out more, but I've been having trouble keeping faithful to any routine I design, no matter how easy or interesting I make it. Conclusion: I need an accountability partner for this. Someone to work out with, so we can keep each other going. :-3 That's not possible right now, alas. But hopefully all this will change soon.
Emotionally: Working has worn me down, but I'm slowly learning how to separate my emotional self from physical exhaustion. The trial-by-fire incident with massive amounts of overtime at 44 Quick Stop has helped with that. And if I get this job with Princess (they were supposed to call me half an hour ago), I'll be working even more overtime. Hopefully the novelty of it all will keep me going. I'm also having more trouble expressing my emotions, presumably because of this same physi-mental exhaustion. Prolly also because I may be a bit out of practice. I'm not sure what to do about this. I'll continue onward and see what happens.
Guiding philosophy:
1. Everyone has both good and evil in them. Because of this, everything they do, everything the perceive, everything relating to them has both good and evil in it. Thus you are what you make yourself to be, and everything around you is what you make of it. If you look for good, you will find good. If you look for evil, you will find evil. If you look for joy, you will find joy. If you look for sadness, you will find sadness. Etc.
2. It is better to regret doing something than to regret not doing it.