A Psychological Dream

[jarrardi]

Now, tot he dream I had a couple days ago.... The perspective was 1st person direct. In it I was a cougar. I don't remember precisely how I got there (though I think that was covered in the dream, I just forgot), but I was in a building and land very much like the castle of the Witch King in Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. Somehow I got inside the back way and met a young boy, one of many young dragon riders staying here (his was a red dragon). He was, of course, in training to be evil, but somehow I showed him there were other ways, the good inside himself and everything, with the help of a young girl who was some sort of slave. His dragon agreed with us, and we "converted" him, too. :-3 So we (girl, boy, dragon (who pretty much disappears into the woodwork at this point...maybe he wasn't even present), and myself) did our best to get away from this place (out the front door). It was guarded by orcs (presumably) with snarling dogs, and the interior hallways were prowled by a giant gnoll-looking thing that once was a cougar, like me. I somehow knew all this already, so as we were making our way out, I told them to go as far as they could, that I'd make a diversion and be along later. So I streaked off ahead of them and started teasing the guard dogs in ways their handlers wouldn't detect. They went crazy, of course, and literally dragged their handlers after me as I led the lot of them inside through a different entrance, leaving the way clear for my friends to leave. I led the dogs into the depths of the castle and finally into the den of the cougar-thing. The dogs stopped dead on the premises, knowing better than to follow me into that place where they knew they would die. The handlers were quit certain that whatever their dogs were chasing was most certainly dead now, because nothing gets past the great cougar monster thing. He, of course, was there to meet me. I remember the pain and horror of the next little bit...it was like being irreparably torn open and left bleeding, with every last shred of yourself utterly compromised and defiled. I wished I was dead in those agonizing moments, but knew somewhere in my heart that my sacrifice was saving my friends, so in my heart I helf on.. It hurt so much. I felt so...empty. So dead inside. Like I'd shattered, clear down to my core, and there was a bug laying maggot eggs in what little was left. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, and when it was over and I had my chance, I somehow found the strength to bite out his throat. It felt so...horrible. I was full of fury and hatred over what he'd done to me, and at me for not stopping him even though I couldn't have, and at me for delighting in the feel of his trachea tearing away in my jaws.... I was so afraid of myself right then. I don't know how I got out or if I survived, the dream ended here. But I knew that I'd somehow gotten out.

That entire bit inside the cougar-monster-thing's den...it was all describing this one emotion I felt in there. It was such a dark, heavy emotion, but it had a seed of hope in it, too. It was like sad but resolute, at peace with not-peace, I guess. It was such a beautiful emotion, despite its darkness...something I've never felt precisely before in my life. So complex, like a snowflake...the memory of it lingered long after the dream faded, so new and amazing it was.... I don't think I could ever hope to describe it...I certainly didn't even start here.