I recieve direction....

Mar 14, 2005 02:23

I had a sort of revelation today. Okay, more of a re-revelation, I suppose. I've been thinking the last few days about my gifts and not-gifts, and where I fit in, and how they could be used and/or combined into application. The quality of myself I was thinking about is, as several online quizzes call it, my "crystal aura". I prefer "reflexivity". I used to tell people sometimes that I was whatever I needed to be at the time. It was true then, and it still is now, I suppose. Admittedly, sometimes I'm things I really don't need to be. But the idea behind is the same; aspects of my personality and self change to fit my surroundings. Or rather, to address my surroundings. It's a little hard even for my to understand, but it seems to me that I slip naturally and unconsciously into whatever role I need to in order to commune with someone. It's not a case of denying myself, or becoming someone else (like I once thought), it's just...complimenting myself. Kind of like the shoes you put on. They don't change who you are or what you think or anything that matters, but people would talk differently to me if I was wearing steel-toed army boots than they would if I was wearing high heels. Or my boots that got me into so much trouble a month ago. I only just realized this, and I don't think it's bad. Like I said, it's not changing or hiding me, or even adding on to me really; it's just a different pair of shoes. And it's who I am. Under the purple and the blue and the yellow and the pink and all the rest, I'm...clear.

Anyhow, I prayed today for direction today, but even so I was still a bit taken aback when I got it nearly instantaneously. I took a "spiritual gifts" test (professionally administered) a couple years ago, and got back "faith" as my strongest gift. Faith is certainty of the unseen. I've often wondered how I can help the church out "formally" with my insane schedule. I taught for a while, and God still gives me messages sometimes, but they're no longer addressed to "the masses". That is to say, I have neither the time nor the mental facilities to teach large groups (Sunday school and not) like I once did. And God, knowing this, hasn't asked me to such. I've felt drawn in a different way, and I didn't know what direction until today when all the pieces fell into place. I'd asked for direction in the general sense with college in mind, but I got that answer to. It just surprised me that I learned where I fit into the church now. And it's not really changed, and yet it has entirely. Prayer. Prayer as a ministry, actually. That is, praying for other people. I pray for most everyone I know (and many I don't) as it is; it's high time I start praying for other people in the church. And my "reflexivity" gift fits right in: because of it, I've always been good at digging out the "real problem" when someone needs my emotional/psychological help. I could pray with people about these very problems in their lives. Often the act of the prayer itself is a healing act, regardless of the answer. And I care very deeply about people, and want them all to be emotionally stable and balanced. Except then I'd be bored. :-3
Anyhow, that was my epiphany, as such. I'd figured out bits and pieces of it before, but it all just kinda came together today. And I'm so glad.

Major-wise: I remembered a promise I'd made a long time ago. One I cannot fulfill right now, but I can move towards fulfillment of, and through the act of moving towards, effectively fulfill. Oiy...I'm not even sure what I just said. :-3 Either way, I'll see what tomorrow brings. Always another day. And a winter sunrise is worth the longer night. :-3

Oh, and I figured out why I'm always so tired and lack-luster...because I stay up all night writing epiphanies on my computer. :-P

faith and the spiritual jari, education (not that it'll help), self (information)

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