being me!
I often feel very misunderstood. I have no idea if this is a real picture of myself or something that has deep roots in the past and is trying to make itself seem as though it is happening now. Probably it is a bit of both depending on the situation.
Often are the times I feel invisible and small, going through my daily struggles alone and nobody notices. I feel so very helpless in my situation, as though there is nothing I can do but watch the oncoming train and hope there is a fork in the tracks that I don't see. Everything just seems like too much sometimes, and of course my brain starts in with the why Why WHY?? as if there is an answer other than the obvious; life is never easy.
Today is one of those days where it sure seems like I have to hold my entire family together like atlas holding up the world on its back. If I decide to walk away, the world will crash and if I don't I will be crushed. My kids should be more self responsible at the age they are. But they're MY kids, so they're not. I can bitch, moan and whine about it, but that doesn't change anything. I just gotta do what I gotta do.
My husband, God bless him, is doing everything he thinks he can to hold the finances together. We aren't unemployed, but we certainly are UNDER employed and there isn't a good way to fix it. If I get a job, our food stamps go down. That bothered me greatly until I figured out that there are food pantries to fill in the difference there. BUT the other issue is time. When in hell am I going to work? I take the kids to school and Sam gets on the bus at 8am. Around 12:15 I have to be there to get him off the bus. Between 11am and 7:30 pm the hubby is working and can't watch the kids. What does that leave me? graveyard shift somewhere, maybe a 24hour McDonald's? ok so I do the graveyard shift... WHEN do I sleep then???? Is there a way out of this hole? Any way at all?
I'm basically living off $60 a week. diapers, gas for the car, toilet paper, shampoo, pull ups, diaper wipes, tooth paste, soap, laundry detergent, dish soap, paper towels... anything of that nature comes out of that. The rest of the income goes towards school, rent, and other bills. How are we going to get our car fixed EVER with that sort of living? tax return maybe. If the car holds up that long. I still don't know what is wrong with it. I suspect spark plug issues, but I'm just not sure.
Luckily for us, we have an extra paycheck in Dec. So Christmas presents aren't going to be an issue. Of course the WII broke now. It wont' read discs anymore. I have no idea what that error is all about. For christmas I get to sent my WII to Nintendo and have them fix the disc drive for $75 plus shipping. *insert sarcastic yaay here*
I'm just not handling things well today. I want to cry about it all. I want to scream until there is nothing left and fade away from the world with a small pop and a whimper. But then again, I'm atlas for my family. If I weren't here, Laurel would flunk out of school because she wasn't doing her homework on time. (yeah, I quit monitoring her every assignment and it was a BUST! Today I had to start getting on her again.)
The baby, seems fine but needs a lot of attention because he is only one year old. I keep praying that he doesn't suddenly lose his words and regress the way his brother did. Autism is scary. The three year old is autistic and into everything in a way that keeps me extra busy. He would tear up the house if I let him and we're renting it and want our lease renewed when the time comes. *sigh* Guess we'll see what happens when it happens. The seven year old has a big heart and tries hard. He seems to have troubles with reading comprehension and spelling. I'm sick of worrying about his colon problems and hope he is fully trained soon. He seems to be getting better. Next school year I get to see if he is dyslexic or whatever. That will be fun. The ten year old is on the autism spectrum, but is as high functioning as one can expect. She is a daydreamer and funny and cute. But she too needs lots of homework monitoring or else it won't get done. Same with chores. So FIVE people (laurel is 12 and no diagnosis, but obviously needs monitoring nonetheless) that I have to really watch as soon as school is over. Plus make dinner during that time and/or get ready for bedtime.
Nobody is tired at bedtime. They get that from me too. So bedtime needs to be either let go and not forced, or micromanaged. Again guess who is doing most of this.
I know what everyone is thinking. Where is my husband and why isn't he helping. He really does do all he can. He has his own point of view and way of living life. He tries and tries. He loves us all to the fullest he can and I don't know what I'd do without him. Still, he needs me too and there are times when I simply just want to crawl away and cry. This hurts him, makes him feel inadequate like he isn't good enough for us. He didn't grow up being reassured and taken care of. He grew up with a yelling mom who was never satisfied with what you did and who put her head in the sand and wouldn't see that her kids needed help. He does the best he can with what life has given him, and I know I wouldn't be able to do as much with those things if that was all I got when I was growing up.
So where does this leave me? overwhelmed, falling apart at the seams and ready to scream? What is there to do about it? Same thing I do when I'm happy and feeling healthy. Put one foot in front of the other and let time go by. Tomorrow is another day.
Often are the times I feel invisible and small, going through my daily struggles alone and nobody notices. I feel so very helpless in my situation, as though there is nothing I can do but watch the oncoming train and hope there is a fork in the tracks that I don't see. Everything just seems like too much sometimes, and of course my brain starts in with the why Why WHY?? as if there is an answer other than the obvious; life is never easy.
Today is one of those days where it sure seems like I have to hold my entire family together like atlas holding up the world on its back. If I decide to walk away, the world will crash and if I don't I will be crushed. My kids should be more self responsible at the age they are. But they're MY kids, so they're not. I can bitch, moan and whine about it, but that doesn't change anything. I just gotta do what I gotta do.
My husband, God bless him, is doing everything he thinks he can to hold the finances together. We aren't unemployed, but we certainly are UNDER employed and there isn't a good way to fix it. If I get a job, our food stamps go down. That bothered me greatly until I figured out that there are food pantries to fill in the difference there. BUT the other issue is time. When in hell am I going to work? I take the kids to school and Sam gets on the bus at 8am. Around 12:15 I have to be there to get him off the bus. Between 11am and 7:30 pm the hubby is working and can't watch the kids. What does that leave me? graveyard shift somewhere, maybe a 24hour McDonald's? ok so I do the graveyard shift... WHEN do I sleep then???? Is there a way out of this hole? Any way at all?
I'm basically living off $60 a week. diapers, gas for the car, toilet paper, shampoo, pull ups, diaper wipes, tooth paste, soap, laundry detergent, dish soap, paper towels... anything of that nature comes out of that. The rest of the income goes towards school, rent, and other bills. How are we going to get our car fixed EVER with that sort of living? tax return maybe. If the car holds up that long. I still don't know what is wrong with it. I suspect spark plug issues, but I'm just not sure.
Luckily for us, we have an extra paycheck in Dec. So Christmas presents aren't going to be an issue. Of course the WII broke now. It wont' read discs anymore. I have no idea what that error is all about. For christmas I get to sent my WII to Nintendo and have them fix the disc drive for $75 plus shipping. *insert sarcastic yaay here*
I'm just not handling things well today. I want to cry about it all. I want to scream until there is nothing left and fade away from the world with a small pop and a whimper. But then again, I'm atlas for my family. If I weren't here, Laurel would flunk out of school because she wasn't doing her homework on time. (yeah, I quit monitoring her every assignment and it was a BUST! Today I had to start getting on her again.)
The baby, seems fine but needs a lot of attention because he is only one year old. I keep praying that he doesn't suddenly lose his words and regress the way his brother did. Autism is scary. The three year old is autistic and into everything in a way that keeps me extra busy. He would tear up the house if I let him and we're renting it and want our lease renewed when the time comes. *sigh* Guess we'll see what happens when it happens. The seven year old has a big heart and tries hard. He seems to have troubles with reading comprehension and spelling. I'm sick of worrying about his colon problems and hope he is fully trained soon. He seems to be getting better. Next school year I get to see if he is dyslexic or whatever. That will be fun. The ten year old is on the autism spectrum, but is as high functioning as one can expect. She is a daydreamer and funny and cute. But she too needs lots of homework monitoring or else it won't get done. Same with chores. So FIVE people (laurel is 12 and no diagnosis, but obviously needs monitoring nonetheless) that I have to really watch as soon as school is over. Plus make dinner during that time and/or get ready for bedtime.
Nobody is tired at bedtime. They get that from me too. So bedtime needs to be either let go and not forced, or micromanaged. Again guess who is doing most of this.
I know what everyone is thinking. Where is my husband and why isn't he helping. He really does do all he can. He has his own point of view and way of living life. He tries and tries. He loves us all to the fullest he can and I don't know what I'd do without him. Still, he needs me too and there are times when I simply just want to crawl away and cry. This hurts him, makes him feel inadequate like he isn't good enough for us. He didn't grow up being reassured and taken care of. He grew up with a yelling mom who was never satisfied with what you did and who put her head in the sand and wouldn't see that her kids needed help. He does the best he can with what life has given him, and I know I wouldn't be able to do as much with those things if that was all I got when I was growing up.
So where does this leave me? overwhelmed, falling apart at the seams and ready to scream? What is there to do about it? Same thing I do when I'm happy and feeling healthy. Put one foot in front of the other and let time go by. Tomorrow is another day.