Feeling used
I hate feeling like I've been used. It happens a lot. As in a regular occurrence. It happens in all kinds of different and creative ways and in some cases I think I might be aware of it on some level, other times it could have happened months ago and suddenly I realise and proceed to bang my head on the nearest solid object (desk and steering wheel are firm favourites) until concussion becomes my primary concern.
I despise being used, but it seems like everyone does it, all the time. Now I don't know if it's more to do with the fact that I have a very different perception of a give and take relationship (business, romantic, platonic, antagonistic, etc) than those I engage in them with.
For some time I've been trying to live by the mantra of giving is it's own reward. And in many ways, when you KNOW you're giving with no hope even of a thank you, it's ok, and it does feel good. But the thing is, I try to give to the best of my ability to everyone, including those I care about. If I do some big grand thing for somebody I don't expect the same in return, what I do expect is for respect and whatever connection I have with that person to continue. But often, it doesn't.
I'm tired of being hurt like this, but I don't think that lowering my expectations in my bonds with others is going to help, instead I think it will simply leave me open to more abuse. I don't want to stop doing my best to help people out in one way or another, even if the circumstances make it taxing for me to do so. I think the only option is to be selective about who I give to and why.
Perhaps I need to include this in my back-to-basics kick. I'm currently on a health kick and a friendship re-evaluation kick anyway. Why not one more kick?
I'm not sure how best to go about evaluating where and when I should give... when I offer to do something it's usually on the spur of the moment, in the heat so to speak. Perhaps I should refrain from doing that at all for a little while, and re-evaluate what it is that I'm giving, who to, and whether or not I expect anything in return and the likelihood of receiving it. I don't like feeling like I have to play accountant with generosity... but it might be the only way.
I despise being used, but it seems like everyone does it, all the time. Now I don't know if it's more to do with the fact that I have a very different perception of a give and take relationship (business, romantic, platonic, antagonistic, etc) than those I engage in them with.
For some time I've been trying to live by the mantra of giving is it's own reward. And in many ways, when you KNOW you're giving with no hope even of a thank you, it's ok, and it does feel good. But the thing is, I try to give to the best of my ability to everyone, including those I care about. If I do some big grand thing for somebody I don't expect the same in return, what I do expect is for respect and whatever connection I have with that person to continue. But often, it doesn't.
I'm tired of being hurt like this, but I don't think that lowering my expectations in my bonds with others is going to help, instead I think it will simply leave me open to more abuse. I don't want to stop doing my best to help people out in one way or another, even if the circumstances make it taxing for me to do so. I think the only option is to be selective about who I give to and why.
Perhaps I need to include this in my back-to-basics kick. I'm currently on a health kick and a friendship re-evaluation kick anyway. Why not one more kick?
I'm not sure how best to go about evaluating where and when I should give... when I offer to do something it's usually on the spur of the moment, in the heat so to speak. Perhaps I should refrain from doing that at all for a little while, and re-evaluate what it is that I'm giving, who to, and whether or not I expect anything in return and the likelihood of receiving it. I don't like feeling like I have to play accountant with generosity... but it might be the only way.