(no subject)
Have you ever had that feeling where you look at what you need to do, all of it, all written down or summarised in your head or even just the vague idea of it. Everything you need to achieve, just to get by, without slipping back any further. Have you ever had that knowledge, that cold, disappointing knowledge that there's just no way you can do it. You just don't have what it takes. It isn't frightening, or unsettling. Just... sad. Disappointing, like you've been traveling this long road to discover the world's edge and realising that there's nothing more. It doesn't frighten you, it's just... sad.
I'm not sure if it's just me. But I've come to find my limits, and knowing them may be my only chance of ever making more of myself that some girl who writes stuff on the internet that nobody reads. But somehow in knowing them, I feel like the glimmer of hope I had has gotten that much smaller.
Don't mistake me, I know how lucky I am, I know how many beautiful, wonderful things this world has, I know how blessed I am to have so many wonderful sparks in my life.
I just... it's me who's not worthy of that. I spent my life being afraid that everyone else would see it. But it somehow seems worse now that I've seen it.
I don't know if I'll feel like this forever, or just till I wake up in the morning and decide whether or not I'll have cereal or chocolate, even when I'm not really hungry.
There's a lot less... hope now, and I find myself wondering if it was ever real hope to begin with, or just a desperate attempt to fool myself. It's not so bad to visit my life, I just wouldn't want to live there. So now, all that's left is work.
I guess I best get started.
I'm not sure if it's just me. But I've come to find my limits, and knowing them may be my only chance of ever making more of myself that some girl who writes stuff on the internet that nobody reads. But somehow in knowing them, I feel like the glimmer of hope I had has gotten that much smaller.
Don't mistake me, I know how lucky I am, I know how many beautiful, wonderful things this world has, I know how blessed I am to have so many wonderful sparks in my life.
I just... it's me who's not worthy of that. I spent my life being afraid that everyone else would see it. But it somehow seems worse now that I've seen it.
I don't know if I'll feel like this forever, or just till I wake up in the morning and decide whether or not I'll have cereal or chocolate, even when I'm not really hungry.
There's a lot less... hope now, and I find myself wondering if it was ever real hope to begin with, or just a desperate attempt to fool myself. It's not so bad to visit my life, I just wouldn't want to live there. So now, all that's left is work.
I guess I best get started.