Losing My Innocence Chapter 11
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: SiHae (SiwonXDonghae), featuring Yoona
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Romance, Slash
Disclaimer: Story is fictional
Note: Written in Donghae's POV
Chapter List | Work Archives
The Bird and The Fish
losing my innocence
by Jarield Lunel de Mourcerf
Chapter 11
I drank all what was left in the bottle clenching my thirst. An hour straight of playing basketball could be so tiring, especially if you are up against with a ball-freak monster Siwon. Let me tell you, the guy was the height of his ADHD when he was on court and with an orange rubber ball involved. He’s damn well scary in basketball and maybe just like our previous plays; he had beaten me again, although there was no official record this time. Siwon and I had let go of scoring our shots for quite some time now. The competition was pretty useless, what mattered was enjoying the game together right? That was in my perspective, but the bastard boasted that scoring was irrelevant because he would get more shots in anyway.
Siwon could be awfully quiet if he chose to. When he did, it was either he was in deep thought or when he was concentrating on something. Right now, I couldn’t tell which of which, maybe both. Siwon was still dribbling the ball passively, cooling off I guess. I was pretty sure that he was just so addicted to ball that he could not let go of it. I mean super addict. He even sleep with that ball beside him.
“There is a rumor that you break up with Ayumi because you already get what you wanted.” My brain was so just so amazing, what a great topic to start a conversation!
“Oh those rumors again…” Siwon said with scratching the back of his head with his free hand.
“Did you really have sex with Ayumi?” I frowned while asking the question.
“Hell No! Maybe almost… if you did not interrupt.” He yelled in surprise and defense, stopping in his dribbling and carried the ball instead.
“Why would I interrupt you?”
“Remember the case in the tree?” Siwon stated.
“Oh yeah, how could I forget?...” I responded sarcasm rolling my eyes. “But why did you not do it? I left you afterwards.” I commented but I was actually very thankful nothing happened.
“After you came, I was not in the mood.” he simply stated but I noticed his expression changed afterwards. He was like transforming to his Saint Siwon the Good Child persona. “But thank you for interrupting. I don’t want to force Ayumi for something she don’t want to do nor something I don’t want to do.” Siwon confessed with much sincerity. Wait a minute. What did he mean by forcing her?
“So you mean you were raping her?” I asked trying to make an answer out of him.
“I was not raping her!” Siwon protested like a mad man.
“It’s just that I’m not myself that day because of our fight. I usually don’t force girls to do things like that.” he reasoned out and maybe I believe him, maybe.
“But you’re not a virgin anymore right?” I blurted another statement without thinking. It’s my brain’s fault!
“What!? Don’t label me as one of those horny brainless teenagers!” came another outraged reaction from Siwon.
“So you mean you have not done it yet?” I asked again.
“Okay you want to know the truth? The farthest I got is second base and that’s it!” he answered this time irritated. I wanted to tell him to clarify what he said and ask him more for more concrete explanation; but I feel like I shouldn’t. And what the hell was second base?! But I would not ask Siwon. He did not know that I don’t know it anyway.
“I did not have sex with Yoona…” he uttered lightly and I got more confused more than ever.
“Ah... But you said before… So I thought” I blurted out thinking the incident months ago when we fought when he claimed that he heard Yoona screamed in his bed.
“You actually believe those!?I just said that to tease you. You are very guillible…” he smirked, for heaven’s sake, Siwon boastfully smirked again, this bastard.
“Sorry for being one..” I muttered sounding really defeated.
“Donghae, we had been spending a lot of times together for months. You should know by now that a lot of things I said was garbage. Especially majority of the things that involved with you. I did not had sexed with any of those girls. I don’t even know where they all came from.”
“But you did not deny them either.”
“If I did deny them, no one will believe me anyway. And many of the girls seems not minding it anyway. As it turns out, it was such an honor if you are fucked by Choi Siwon.”
I guess I don’t have enough strength or mood to fight with him today. But I realized something. Maybe Siwon wasn’t really a genuine womanizer who loved to make the girls cry. He’s just making himself look like one. I still can’t figure out why because the real him was such a great person. I did not just say that, he was after all a bastard. But maybe was a great person and a bastard at the same time. Siwon was the kind of person who does not care about what others think about him. Moreover, he seemed aware what many people see him but do things for people to see him more in that light.
“How about you? What are your experiences?” he asked out of nowhere.
“I never had any of those.” I confessed. “I didn’t even had a girlfriend or a mere first kiss…” I told him the truth with a pitiful smile for myself. Siwon’s eye widened and his face show curiosity. Later on, he grinned and it was quite scary how he could smile like that.
“You are so pure and innocent.” he commented as he ruffles my hair in delight. And damn! It does not help that his eye smile and deep dimples are showing in his face right now. Because I find myself looking at them.
“Are you insulting me?” I narrowed my eyes looking at him expectantly.
“Hey! Those are good adjectives!” he protested in mischief. Okay, I’m taking back all the good things I said about him. Siwon was a true bastard. End of discussion.
-----
‘You should stop treating her as a friend. You should show your motives and treat her like she is already your girlfriend’
Siwon’s words kept ringing in my head. I still can’t believe that I asked that bastard for a piece of advice; unless of course I was desperate. Well, I was desperate after all.
“You are being weird today.” Yoona commented along the line as the waiter served our food.
“What’s so weird about me?” I asked. It took Yoona quite some time to answer me like she’s quite hesitant to tell me something
“You are treating me like I’m special or something. Your too kind today.” she finally supplied lowly. Bingo! Of course she’ll feel weird when I suddenly offered to carry her bag; gave her compliments every now and then; and even offered the chair to her like a real gentleman. “Okay, what it is this time?” she then started to jabber.
“Hey! I did not do anything! Swear!” I reacted in surprise; Yoona does have the tendency to imagine things.
“Did you burn my copy of the second volume of ‘Totally Captivated’? It was missing lately.” she said with conviction and stared at me with intensity. I simply shook my head to deny things. ‘Totally Captivated’ by the way is a BL manhwa. Why do I know those things? “Then why the sudden change of attitude?” she soften a little but I could tell she’s still stern about this issue. The way she crossed her arms in her chest made me smile; she’s adorable like that.
“Because you are special Yoona…” the words slipped through my mouth without a thought. Yoona froze to this. I think I might had lose my control either as I found myself actually moving my hands towards Yoona’s face as I touched softly the strands of her hair.
“You are..” I whispered as Yoona is still dazed. Maybe this could be the right time. Am I confessing my feelings by this instant? I am finding the right words to say, my eyes are all fixated in Yoona when a sudden distraction opted to stop me. Siwon? Why did I suddenly think about him at this time? Finally being out of the moment, I move my hand right back to me. “my bestfriend…” I uttered and Yoona seemed to relax a little with my words.
“Let’s just eat okay?” I said and gave Yoona an embarrassed smile. Yoona smiled back with her usual sweetness as I went back into thinking. I mentally cursed that bastard for popping in my mind at this moment. I was not with him but why the hell was I thinking of that bastard? Anyway, I was just happy that I was able to show Yoona some of my love. On that, I’m satisfied.
-----
History class was pretty normal. Nothing that amuses me or something that was not boring; maybe except for the stolen kisses Kangin was giving to Taeyeon when Mr. Kim was not looking. Well, it’s pretty normal since they do that all the time. But it’s still distracting and I just can’t stand the cheesiness this class had.
“Number 15.” Mr. Kim
I raised my hand because it was the number that I got from the draw lots earlier. The whole class became silent or more like froze. I just shrug off the commotion in my mind as I searched for my partner but none of them was also raising their hand. Could it be that they were looking at me because I was flying solo? I still didn’t find the great deal about it. But the moment I turned to my left that was when it registered to me the surprise of my classmates because I was surprise to find out that Siwon was going to be my partner. Siwon winked at me the moment our gazes met and he did look satisfied, and evil. I just made a disgusted look afterwards.
“So I guess Mr. Lee Donghae and Mr. Choi Siwon would be partners.”
I smirked at the thought. It was rather exciting knowing our reputation as nemesis. But it was changed afterwards when I caught Yoona staring at me in worry. Damn! She must be really worried. I gave her a small smile just to assure her; I just hope it went well though.
-----
Siwon and I haven’t been hanging out for days or at least talk. My days were always preoccupied with Yoona just like the old days. I won’t admit it but I might had missed our sneaking out and stolen conversations. I think it just feelt very different without doing those things.
Donghae, focus, why the hell were you thinking of that bastard. Go on with the plan and take Yoona’s heart. I need to think of activities for Yoona and I for tomorrow. Maybe I should invite her to the movies. I smiled at the thought. But was I being forward? It was not like Yoona and I did not go to movies before anyway. Maybe I should ask Siwon in the movies instead. Siwon and I hadn’t been in a movie house together. What the hell! Going movies with Siwon? No freaking way! Well, it was not a bad idea. He was rich anyway, so he would pay.
Speaking of the bastard, maybe I should call him to seek some advice about this courting thing he led me into. I hesitated to press the call button, but I did anyway. I was desperate remember? I heard like three or four rings when it was cut. Damn! Why can’t I reach him at this moment? This was his idea on the first place. That bastard! He should be helping me, right? So I guess I’m on my own.
Suddenly, there was a knock in my door. Such a disturbance! I lazily get up and lazily opened my door not really anticipating my guest.
“What are you doing here?” I snapped at a grinning Siwon.
“We have to work on our project in History remember?” He smirked deviantly.
“And how did you get in our house?” I asked raising an eyebrow with some of my fake smile. Siwon just deliberately entered my room without my consent.
“I walk through the front door. Your mom let me in.” he uttered as he walked to my room.
“You’re room is easy to find. I figured out it’s yours the moment I saw that picture of Nemo in the door.” Siwon further commented while scanning my room as if checking it. It was a little later when he went to my bed.
“Hey, don’t sit in my bed! You sit in the floor!” I hissed.
“Okay I won’t sit, I’ll simply lie down.” and he did lie down. That bed conquering bastard.
“Since you are already here. Why don’t we start doing our project?” I offered, it was the right thing to do.
“Why do we have to do it now? We can do it tomorrow.” Siwon stated while lying in comfort in my bed.
“Okay…” I said, cause I don’t want to do that project too.
“You know for someone trying to be a good student, you are failing.” he commented on me. I just smiled at it sweetly as I went to my bed and lie on it as well by Siwon’s side. That was when I noticed that Siwon’s eyes were closed. Is he sleeping? He must be tired or something. His cheeks were looking so adorably cute now for some odd reason.
“You’re face is so fluffy…” I started poking them and enjoying it as well.
“Stop poking me you stupid fish…” he murmured while his eyes were still closed but I continued in poking them. As I continued my action, Siwon suddenly smiled with his lips still together. I was surprised to see it that I stopped poking him. He looked mesmerizing like this.
Later on, Siwon opened one of his eyes. He may had been wondering why I stopped. I grinned to him and gave him one poke in his cheek. But I definitely did not expect his following action. Siwon poked back and he just poked my nose of all the part in my face.
“Ouch…” I sneered.
“serves you right…” he said with an evil smirk. I wam ready to give my revenge when my door suddenly opened to welcome yet another guest. In an instant, my adrenaline pumped that I pushed Siwon out of the bed. I didn’t where did I get my strength but I really was able to push him out of the bed despite his size.
“Awww… That hurts! You fish!” Siwon stated but I didn’t care about him because I was more concerned in the girl that just entered my room. Did she saw that?
“Yoona!” I yelled t excitement and rush to the stunned girl. She was eyeing Siwon who was still in the floor. I could tell he was surprised too. I mean who wouldn’t?
“I’m here to do our stupid project.” Siwon stated just to give Yoona an explanation.
“I see…” she said.
“Don’t mind him.” I stated.
“Sorry Donghae, I should have called you first. I didn’t know you are busy.” Yoona apologized.
“No I’m not!” I blurted, I could tell that Siwon chuckled in mockery.
“Anyways, what brings you here Yoona?” I asked.
“I just baked some cookies and I thought I could share it with you.” Yoona explained as she showed me the cookies she brought.
“You can have some too Siwon.” Yoona said to Siwon.
“Of course I will not decline to such offer.” Siwon smirked and I just want to punch him now.
As things went on unexpectedly. Siwon, Yoona and I spent the next minutes together eating the cookies. Yoona and I seated in my bed while Siwon is on my study chair.
“The atmosphere is a little different.” Yoona uttered.
“What do you mean the atmosphere is different?” I asked her.
“It feels like there is no tension between the two of you this time.” She said and I almost coughed to that statement. Damn! Actually I noticed that too. Not only to Siwon and I, but also to Yoona and Siwon.
“I still hate him you know.” I said.
“Of course you do…” Siwon snapped.
“Obviously, I was expecting Mr. Lee to act professional in this partnership.” Siwon started declaring using his perfect student persona with his perfect student accent “Whatever grudges we have for each other are outside our school work.” he finished and I just want to puke. Yoona looked surprise then she looked at me as if looking for a respond.
“I just want all of these to get over with. The sooner the better…” I speak. Siwon’s eyebrows twitched giving me a questioning look, and I simply stick my tongue to him. Siwon rolled his eyes and leaned more in the table. He was plotting something, I know he was.
“Hey Yoona.” Siwon called out that get both I and Yoona’s attention.
“Do you want to go on a date with me?” Siwon declared with so much confidence. What is he saying? Is he teasing me or what? I’m speechless so as Yoona. Before Yoona could reply; Siwon uttered another statement.
“Just kidding…” Siwon stated as simple as that.
“Perhaps it would better if you go out on a date with Donghae instead.” Siwon said another statement that made to of us speechless. Yoona and I looked at each other unintentionally and looked away afterwards. I’m so embarrasses to death and maybe Yoona too. Siwon, I’m going to throw you to the sea and let all the sharks eat you alive.
I looked up to see Siwon to give him a glare but I was not able to do what I was planning the moment I gazed upon his face. Rather, I am confused. Instead of an evil smirk that I am expecting, Siwon looks quite sad. Our eyes met afterwards, then he smiled which I might describe is a little bitter.
“I think the two of you should go on a date instead.” Oh Yoona, if only you really know what was happening. That sounded wrong. There was nothing happening? There was no date happening!
“Why would I go on a date with him! He’s a guy!”
“You are gay, you just didn’t know it yet.” Yoona said. Oh yes, my bestfriend was still up with her yaoi fantasies on me.
“Even if I’m gay. I wouldn’t date Siwon. I mean he’s… Siwon… He’s a bastard!”
No one talked, until…
“I’m going now.” Yoona stated and it made me come back to my senses.
“Ahmm…. Sure…” I was able to manage to say as I also stood up to escort Yoona.
“Bye Siwon…” Yoona said to Siwon, Siwon just raised his hands without even saying a word.
As soon as Yoona was out; I walked back to my room still thinking of Siwon. He’s weird. I can’t really tell but his actions were weird. I finally reached my room and Siwon just have to welcome me with one of his stupid bastardish smiles that I want to punch him like now.
“Hey Fish!” he yelled. “Nice acting…” came another statement with his boastful voice.
“I really hate you and you know that!” I said to him.
“I love you too!” he teased, but I found myself being struck with the statement. It was meant to be a joke but still… What the hell Donghae! It was just a joke… and… and…
I waved my hand to show my discontent.
Siwon’s stay in our house turned to be longer than expected. My mother already had a liking in him by the instant and invited him to eat dinner with us. But my father had adored him like crazy and even offered for him to sleep in our house. I guess it might be because of what Hyukjae said about Siwon’s charms. Really? Since when did bastard and charming become synonymous?
“I never knew you have a friend like him.” My mom said as she handed me the plate, I was supposed to help her washing the dishes.
“Do I have to let you meet all my friends?” Okay, I was not really this witty to my parents but I was just annoyed with all this Siwon-obsession.
“It’s just that I like this friend of yours. I want to adopt him.” Mom said. I didn’t want to say anything more or I’ll have to meet my mother’s powerful rants. I swear, mom was like a debate champion.
“What I don’t get is how he and dad got along so fine.” I found myself speaking my mind.
“They find something in common I believe.” mom answered like it is just normal.
“Dah… It’s just Siwon has a thinking similar to old people.” I stated.
“Donghae, come and join us!” I heard my father and of course being the obedient son I am I went to the living room with Siwon and dad chatting over something I don’t even want to know.
“You know, you should get more pointers to this friend of yours.” My father said to me.
“Dad!?” I reacted violently but my father just shrugged off and did not care at all on what I feel.
“Do you think we can adopt Siwon?” Dad said with such delight. Seriuosly, the last thing I wanted was for my parents to embarrass me. I looked at Siwon and I could see he looked ahm… shy?... I wanted to laugh at him looking like this. I had seen him like this a couple of times already. He usually acts like this whenever he gets compliments.
“Hey Siwon, do you want to live here in our house?” My tactless dad asked Siwon and it made Siwon act more uncomfortable? Oh god! He’s just so adorable looking like this… I can’t believe how many times did I say that he’s adorable this day? And I just smiled.
-----
Just like how it ended, Siwon really was going to sleep in our house today. There is no school tomorrow anyway.
“You’re dad is cool… He has amazing way of thinking.” Siwon said, he and dad really got along.
“My dad is just like any regular old man in his forties. It’s just that you are not a regular teenage boy.” I snorted.
“Hey!” he yelled to protest then my phone rang and picked it up immediately.
“Hello!” I answered and see Siwon eyeing at me.
“Yoona…” I said after hearing Yoona’s voice. I see Siwon’s eyes widened.
“Is Siwon there?” Yoona asked from the other line.
“No, he’s not here.” I answered immediately looking at Siwon. Siwon just gave me that confused look. I lied. I don’t know, it was just by default. I always lie when it involved Siwon. Might be habit of all the secrecy.
“ I thought he is, You two look amusing.” Yoona said. I did not answer through it. “I’m glad you are getting along…” Yoona said again.
“Since when did we get along?” I protested ‘since almost two or three months now’
“You act like you’re best buddies a while ago. It looks cute.” I heard her say.
“It’s all for the sake of the project.” I answered back sounding annoyed, well it was not a lie this time, right? It really was for the sake of the project.
“Siwon is a good guy. Get to know him through this and I bet you could be good buddies.” she said. I smiled, I couldn’t agree more…. I looked at Siwon and he was giving me that smirk again. I just glared at him. Yaryt, Siwon was still a bastard.
“Did you just call me to say that?” I asked quite curious.
“No not really, I’m just worried about you. I’m worried because every time you and Siwon have to cross paths. I don’t know what could happen. But after seeing the two of you a while ago; I have just a feeling that nothing will. But I’m still worried so I called.” she said, it sounded sincere.
“Too late about that. I already have some bruises, a black-eye, and I think I broke my ribs or something. Siwon really knows how to punch.” I joked. I was expecting Yoona to keep with me but I did not hear nothing much from the other line. Don’t tell me she believed what I said?
“Yoona I’m just kidding. Nothing happened.” I confessed.
“Lee Donghae! Don’t say jokes like that!” I heard her shout. She actually believed me didn’t she? And I almost admitted to myself that I am the most guillible person in the world, almost.
“Ah… sorry Yoong…” I apologized.
“But to be completely honest, I think we really are getting along.” I said an ample of truth looking at Siwon drinking coke. He was still a cola-addict. I should find a way to steal it later.
“Well, that’s good. I’ll pray that it will continue to progress.” Yoona said and I believe her.
“Oh, I’ll hang up now. Talk to you some time.” she said in cheerfulness.
“Yoona, I love you.” I uttered the words without thinking. There was silence but I just couldn’t hang up.
“I love you too Hae.” Yoona said softly. Of course she’ll say that. Yoona was sweet after all, and she must have thought that is just a friendly gesture.
‘That didn’t sound it went well’ I said in my mind. I’m still wasn’t sure in what I was doing. And then I saw Siwon. His mood changed again, he suddenly became stoic or lost in thought.
“Siwon.” I called him and no response “Siwon.” I repeat myself.
“Ah yes…” this time he responded with his eyes quite widened. And I just don’t know what to say. Gotta think of a question fast.
“Do you think I even have progress in making Yoona fall for me?” I asked since I’ve been effing to ask him that.
“Of course” Siwon said softly. “Just be patient I guess, you will get her eventually.” he continued and smiled at me. Somehow, I just found myself digesting everything. It kinda felt weird. I know Siwon can be kind but it just felt different. Well nevermind.
Siwon and I decided to do unnecessary things tonight. Well, as expected from him, Siwon was after all responsible so he decided to do some student council work while here. On the contrary, I decided to paint. It had been a long time since I painted.
“You paint?” Siwon asked in surprise when he saw my paintings, of which was by the way not intentionally.
“Yeah! It became some sort of a hobby.” I answered shyly, I’m always embarrassed when it comes to my painting.
“Hobby? But you are so damn good!” he said in amazement, and it feels like he’s exaggerating it. And I felt speechless with all these.
“How come I do not know that you paint?” he asked a little disappointed.
“No one is suppose to know it. I did not intend in telling it. Only my family, Yoona and Hyukjae knows about it.” I admitted. I had always been hesitant to tell this to everybody. Painting is so precious to me.
“You could have at least told me…” he spoke freely with his eyebrows close together. “Are you planning to pursue a career in art?” he throws another question. I think he became excited over this discovery.
“I still don’t know…” I said in honesty.
“I think you should! Your paintings are better than we have displayed in our house.” he commented looking at the art pieces I did from the past. His words, they we so encouraging. I had been told by Yoona, Hyukjae, or my family to pursue something in art. But I was never encouraged like this the way Siwon was encouraging me.
“Hey! Don’t look at those…” I protested but Siwon was just too eager to see them. And by this time; I found myself not really moving.
“How come you have so many portraits of Yoona and you did not paint me at all!” Siwon complained!
“Why would I paint you?” I hissed.
“Why not? You even painted Hyukjae…” he said showing me a painting I did. A picture of Hyukjae and I laughing. I usually paint portraits of my significant others. I guess I am too sentimental. I have also painting of my family, a painting of Yoona and I, and a portrait of Hyukjae and her girlfriend, Hara once as present of their anniversary among others…
“Hey Lee Donghae! You should paint me too.” Siwon snorted in a command.
“Why would I paint you? I’ll just waste a canvass painting your face!” I snapped but Siwon appeared to be unfazed by everything. He did not fight back or anything, he just looks so happy with his thoughts.
“How about you also do a painting like this one?” he said still holding the painting with Hyukjae, Yoona and I.
“Only this time it will be the two of us..” he said with a contended smile and it left me speechless. Siwon continued on looking at my other works as I found myself looking at him. And I thought how did I miss to paint such a beautiful sight?
------
“Donghae, could I tell you a secret?” I heard Siwon’s voice echoing in the dark. His voice was husky and low. I also heard the sound of the ceramic mug in contact with the tiled kitchen counter.
We should be sleeping by now, but instead, we were in our kitchen sharing a mug of warm milk. Warm milk was somehow a necessity for me before I sleep. When I was a child, whenever I get nightmares, a glass of warm milk would always calm me down. So I had always associated milk as something calming, especially at night. I guess, I never let go of the habit as I grew up. So it was a ritual for me to go to the kitchen somewhere at night to serve my craving of the white creamy liquid. It was usually a solo activity but Siwon decided to join me tonight. A company I didn’t really mind.
The remnant of our lively before-sleep conversation had already died down minutes ago and was replaced by the calm longing in the counter milk-drinking. But I guess Siwon had decided for another round of talk. Maybe this time, something serious.
“Ammm… Sure…” I said, taking a sip of my second serving white substance, not taking my eyes off the light coming from the staircase. It was the only thing that illuminating the first floor of our house. I did not bother switching the lights of the kitchen. The minimal amount of light was already enough. And also I preferred it that way, it was more calming. “I swear, I will not tell a soul.”
Siwon did not spoke for seconds. Until I heard a deep sigh coming from my side where Siwon was.
“I think I’m bisexual.”
Good thing I had already gulped the milk in my mouth. If not, I might had ended up spilling it in the kitchen. But damn hell! Did I just hear that right?
I turned my head to my side shocked. “What?” I was prepared for any secret but that one. That one. That was a bit too impossible. Choi-bastard-Siwon? Gay? Bisexual? Was I still living in this planet? Am I abducted by aliens?
“You know? Bisexual? Someone who was attracted to both sexes?” I heard him. I expected him maybe to sound irritated, but he rather sounded calm.
“Of course I know what bisexual is...” I said in an automatic reaction. But then all other words died down before I could let it go. Siwon was looking at me intently and I was almost sure that he was not lying or playing with me. I just surrendered I guess. How could I not when he was looking at me almost afraid, as if waiting, asking of me. If Siwon was really bisexual, there was nothing wrong with it. He was still Siwon, my nemesis, the bastard that he also happened to be my friend.
Yeah, acceptance - I am accepting him, that was what I feel. But other than that, somehow, I also felt some joy. Siwon told me a secret this deep. He trusted me that he told me that. I felt honored and important to him. This trust, I would like to keep. I guess I should be doing what I should be doing. Be the friend, be that person to show no judgment, that person to show the care or understanding or whatever Siwon needed. Because that what true people should do. “How did you find out?” my voice surprisingly sounded caring.
He did not speak for like a minute… It was until I heard him let out a breath. “Simple, I find myself really attracted to a person, and he just happened to be a dude. It was a bit confusing though. At first I think the only reason that I may somehow I get attracted to him is that because he can look like a girl. I mean, he can be very beautiful. But I know for sure that he is a dude, because he punches very hard. And even how much I tried to convince myself that this was just some sort of platonic admiration, I know it was not. He is a guy, but that did not stop me from being attracted to him.”
I didn’t know how to act on Siwon’s secret. It was a bit unreal to me that Siwon was saying those words. There were so much genuine feelings in the way he said the words. It was like the person who said those words weren’t him, or did it felt like I was seeing this side of him. But what really struck me, was that the fact that Siwon could actually like someone, whether it was a male or a female, but the fact that Siwon like someone else, I still could not fathom how this thing could happen. Was he falling in love? How much did he like this person?
Then suddenly, I felt some sort of pang somewhere deep in my chest. It was almost the same as what I felt during that time with Ayumi. But this would not turn into something like the one in Ayumi. I swear, I would not let this one grow into something destructive. But the pain, the irritation, the uneasiness, and some anger, and something even more, possessiveness? They were all there. Was I jealous? No it can’t be. Whether what vicious feelings there were inside of me, somehow I still wanted to know, but at the same time I didn’t.
“What was he like?”
I was not jealous. I was just curious. Right?
“Who?”
“That guy you like.”
I was not jealous. I just needed to know what was he like.
“I told you, he looks girly but could take a punch.”
I was scared of what he would say, and I didn’t know why? But I want him to speak and tell me, what was with this person, this guy, that could make Siwon like this. That could make Siwon look so vulnerable, that could make him spoke so caring, or could make Siwon’s eyes so warm yet raging. What was with this certain guy that could do all these things to the teenager I was talking? Why him?
“You don’t have to describe his physical characteristics. I mean what is he really like? His personality? You know? Things that made you attracted to him?” Why the hell was I asking these questions? These weren’t right things to say? And I hope my voice would not crumble as I spoke. “Okay… If you really don’t want to know… I won’t bug you anymore… You have every right to keep it to…”
I expected him to not say a word but instead, “He is a pain in the ass.” Although the words he said were not a compliment, I could tell that there was some endearment on the way he talked. He really liked this guy that much huh?
“Who?”
“Him.”
“He was the most egoistical person I had ever encountered. And I was not the most humble person in the world either. So we always ended up clashing, because none of us want to lose to anyone. But I think both of us still lost in the end, none of us could win over each other. He was the only one who could make me eat my pride… He’s very brave but he is also scared of many things.” I didn’t noticed how much I was staring at his profile as he spoke “He is child-like, with I’m with him, I feel so young, so full of life.” I could barely see that small smile in his face. “ He always has the most endearing reactions, that’s why I could not help but tease him. And I tease him a lot. He can be bratty too, but he can be very mature, especially on how he looks life or how he treats other people... He hides many things but he’s very transparent. His eyes will tell everything.” I heard him chuckle a little “I guess we could say that this guy has such a fuck-up personality.”
“But you’re attracted to him?”
“Yes, I am…” he answered abruptly.
Siwon was sure of his feelings for this guy, at least the attraction part. I wonder if it was just mere attraction though. He sounded like there was something more. That nasty feeling started crawling down in my chest again. Siwon, this person that you like, why him?
“One more thing.” He said lowly.
Siwon took a quick glance in me, and for the first time, I saw his eyes. In the darkness, those burning orbs were the only things I could see that it sent some sort of a raging storm within me. And there was something in the way that he looked at me that made me more confused. I felt like I was missing something. Like there was something more. Like there was something he was not telling me, something I wanted and needed to know. But it was just a strange feeling; asking through it would lead to me to nothing. So I’d rather not.
His lips turned into a bitter but genuine smile. I questioned if the smile was even directed to me on the first place. Was it? All I knew, it made me want to know more of that certain something, to make sense out of this weird situation we were in to, of this strange night in this kitchen, on how it suddenly came to this. The feeling that I was missing something was even stronger now. And before I knew it, those dark eyes weren’t looking in mine anymore.
“And he…” Siwon paused, I could barely see his eyes with the darkness and the way he was facing somewhere not in me, those dark orbs were looking at the source of the only thing that was lighting the kitchen. And again, I waited. Siwon, what would you say? “And he just happens to be the most oblivious person in the world.”
to be continued…
Author’s Note: As the one who wrote this shit, I could openly say that this is my favorite chapter to date. I could had updated yesterday but then I was actually stuck at the last part. But I finally got it together today... So yaayy!!!
Thank you for reading...
Pairing: SiHae (SiwonXDonghae), featuring Yoona
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Romance, Slash
Disclaimer: Story is fictional
Note: Written in Donghae's POV
Chapter List | Work Archives
The Bird and The Fish
losing my innocence
by Jarield Lunel de Mourcerf
Chapter 11
I drank all what was left in the bottle clenching my thirst. An hour straight of playing basketball could be so tiring, especially if you are up against with a ball-freak monster Siwon. Let me tell you, the guy was the height of his ADHD when he was on court and with an orange rubber ball involved. He’s damn well scary in basketball and maybe just like our previous plays; he had beaten me again, although there was no official record this time. Siwon and I had let go of scoring our shots for quite some time now. The competition was pretty useless, what mattered was enjoying the game together right? That was in my perspective, but the bastard boasted that scoring was irrelevant because he would get more shots in anyway.
Siwon could be awfully quiet if he chose to. When he did, it was either he was in deep thought or when he was concentrating on something. Right now, I couldn’t tell which of which, maybe both. Siwon was still dribbling the ball passively, cooling off I guess. I was pretty sure that he was just so addicted to ball that he could not let go of it. I mean super addict. He even sleep with that ball beside him.
“There is a rumor that you break up with Ayumi because you already get what you wanted.” My brain was so just so amazing, what a great topic to start a conversation!
“Oh those rumors again…” Siwon said with scratching the back of his head with his free hand.
“Did you really have sex with Ayumi?” I frowned while asking the question.
“Hell No! Maybe almost… if you did not interrupt.” He yelled in surprise and defense, stopping in his dribbling and carried the ball instead.
“Why would I interrupt you?”
“Remember the case in the tree?” Siwon stated.
“Oh yeah, how could I forget?...” I responded sarcasm rolling my eyes. “But why did you not do it? I left you afterwards.” I commented but I was actually very thankful nothing happened.
“After you came, I was not in the mood.” he simply stated but I noticed his expression changed afterwards. He was like transforming to his Saint Siwon the Good Child persona. “But thank you for interrupting. I don’t want to force Ayumi for something she don’t want to do nor something I don’t want to do.” Siwon confessed with much sincerity. Wait a minute. What did he mean by forcing her?
“So you mean you were raping her?” I asked trying to make an answer out of him.
“I was not raping her!” Siwon protested like a mad man.
“It’s just that I’m not myself that day because of our fight. I usually don’t force girls to do things like that.” he reasoned out and maybe I believe him, maybe.
“But you’re not a virgin anymore right?” I blurted another statement without thinking. It’s my brain’s fault!
“What!? Don’t label me as one of those horny brainless teenagers!” came another outraged reaction from Siwon.
“So you mean you have not done it yet?” I asked again.
“Okay you want to know the truth? The farthest I got is second base and that’s it!” he answered this time irritated. I wanted to tell him to clarify what he said and ask him more for more concrete explanation; but I feel like I shouldn’t. And what the hell was second base?! But I would not ask Siwon. He did not know that I don’t know it anyway.
“I did not have sex with Yoona…” he uttered lightly and I got more confused more than ever.
“Ah... But you said before… So I thought” I blurted out thinking the incident months ago when we fought when he claimed that he heard Yoona screamed in his bed.
“You actually believe those!?I just said that to tease you. You are very guillible…” he smirked, for heaven’s sake, Siwon boastfully smirked again, this bastard.
“Sorry for being one..” I muttered sounding really defeated.
“Donghae, we had been spending a lot of times together for months. You should know by now that a lot of things I said was garbage. Especially majority of the things that involved with you. I did not had sexed with any of those girls. I don’t even know where they all came from.”
“But you did not deny them either.”
“If I did deny them, no one will believe me anyway. And many of the girls seems not minding it anyway. As it turns out, it was such an honor if you are fucked by Choi Siwon.”
I guess I don’t have enough strength or mood to fight with him today. But I realized something. Maybe Siwon wasn’t really a genuine womanizer who loved to make the girls cry. He’s just making himself look like one. I still can’t figure out why because the real him was such a great person. I did not just say that, he was after all a bastard. But maybe was a great person and a bastard at the same time. Siwon was the kind of person who does not care about what others think about him. Moreover, he seemed aware what many people see him but do things for people to see him more in that light.
“How about you? What are your experiences?” he asked out of nowhere.
“I never had any of those.” I confessed. “I didn’t even had a girlfriend or a mere first kiss…” I told him the truth with a pitiful smile for myself. Siwon’s eye widened and his face show curiosity. Later on, he grinned and it was quite scary how he could smile like that.
“You are so pure and innocent.” he commented as he ruffles my hair in delight. And damn! It does not help that his eye smile and deep dimples are showing in his face right now. Because I find myself looking at them.
“Are you insulting me?” I narrowed my eyes looking at him expectantly.
“Hey! Those are good adjectives!” he protested in mischief. Okay, I’m taking back all the good things I said about him. Siwon was a true bastard. End of discussion.
-----
‘You should stop treating her as a friend. You should show your motives and treat her like she is already your girlfriend’
Siwon’s words kept ringing in my head. I still can’t believe that I asked that bastard for a piece of advice; unless of course I was desperate. Well, I was desperate after all.
“You are being weird today.” Yoona commented along the line as the waiter served our food.
“What’s so weird about me?” I asked. It took Yoona quite some time to answer me like she’s quite hesitant to tell me something
“You are treating me like I’m special or something. Your too kind today.” she finally supplied lowly. Bingo! Of course she’ll feel weird when I suddenly offered to carry her bag; gave her compliments every now and then; and even offered the chair to her like a real gentleman. “Okay, what it is this time?” she then started to jabber.
“Hey! I did not do anything! Swear!” I reacted in surprise; Yoona does have the tendency to imagine things.
“Did you burn my copy of the second volume of ‘Totally Captivated’? It was missing lately.” she said with conviction and stared at me with intensity. I simply shook my head to deny things. ‘Totally Captivated’ by the way is a BL manhwa. Why do I know those things? “Then why the sudden change of attitude?” she soften a little but I could tell she’s still stern about this issue. The way she crossed her arms in her chest made me smile; she’s adorable like that.
“Because you are special Yoona…” the words slipped through my mouth without a thought. Yoona froze to this. I think I might had lose my control either as I found myself actually moving my hands towards Yoona’s face as I touched softly the strands of her hair.
“You are..” I whispered as Yoona is still dazed. Maybe this could be the right time. Am I confessing my feelings by this instant? I am finding the right words to say, my eyes are all fixated in Yoona when a sudden distraction opted to stop me. Siwon? Why did I suddenly think about him at this time? Finally being out of the moment, I move my hand right back to me. “my bestfriend…” I uttered and Yoona seemed to relax a little with my words.
“Let’s just eat okay?” I said and gave Yoona an embarrassed smile. Yoona smiled back with her usual sweetness as I went back into thinking. I mentally cursed that bastard for popping in my mind at this moment. I was not with him but why the hell was I thinking of that bastard? Anyway, I was just happy that I was able to show Yoona some of my love. On that, I’m satisfied.
-----
History class was pretty normal. Nothing that amuses me or something that was not boring; maybe except for the stolen kisses Kangin was giving to Taeyeon when Mr. Kim was not looking. Well, it’s pretty normal since they do that all the time. But it’s still distracting and I just can’t stand the cheesiness this class had.
“Number 15.” Mr. Kim
I raised my hand because it was the number that I got from the draw lots earlier. The whole class became silent or more like froze. I just shrug off the commotion in my mind as I searched for my partner but none of them was also raising their hand. Could it be that they were looking at me because I was flying solo? I still didn’t find the great deal about it. But the moment I turned to my left that was when it registered to me the surprise of my classmates because I was surprise to find out that Siwon was going to be my partner. Siwon winked at me the moment our gazes met and he did look satisfied, and evil. I just made a disgusted look afterwards.
“So I guess Mr. Lee Donghae and Mr. Choi Siwon would be partners.”
I smirked at the thought. It was rather exciting knowing our reputation as nemesis. But it was changed afterwards when I caught Yoona staring at me in worry. Damn! She must be really worried. I gave her a small smile just to assure her; I just hope it went well though.
-----
Siwon and I haven’t been hanging out for days or at least talk. My days were always preoccupied with Yoona just like the old days. I won’t admit it but I might had missed our sneaking out and stolen conversations. I think it just feelt very different without doing those things.
Donghae, focus, why the hell were you thinking of that bastard. Go on with the plan and take Yoona’s heart. I need to think of activities for Yoona and I for tomorrow. Maybe I should invite her to the movies. I smiled at the thought. But was I being forward? It was not like Yoona and I did not go to movies before anyway. Maybe I should ask Siwon in the movies instead. Siwon and I hadn’t been in a movie house together. What the hell! Going movies with Siwon? No freaking way! Well, it was not a bad idea. He was rich anyway, so he would pay.
Speaking of the bastard, maybe I should call him to seek some advice about this courting thing he led me into. I hesitated to press the call button, but I did anyway. I was desperate remember? I heard like three or four rings when it was cut. Damn! Why can’t I reach him at this moment? This was his idea on the first place. That bastard! He should be helping me, right? So I guess I’m on my own.
Suddenly, there was a knock in my door. Such a disturbance! I lazily get up and lazily opened my door not really anticipating my guest.
“What are you doing here?” I snapped at a grinning Siwon.
“We have to work on our project in History remember?” He smirked deviantly.
“And how did you get in our house?” I asked raising an eyebrow with some of my fake smile. Siwon just deliberately entered my room without my consent.
“I walk through the front door. Your mom let me in.” he uttered as he walked to my room.
“You’re room is easy to find. I figured out it’s yours the moment I saw that picture of Nemo in the door.” Siwon further commented while scanning my room as if checking it. It was a little later when he went to my bed.
“Hey, don’t sit in my bed! You sit in the floor!” I hissed.
“Okay I won’t sit, I’ll simply lie down.” and he did lie down. That bed conquering bastard.
“Since you are already here. Why don’t we start doing our project?” I offered, it was the right thing to do.
“Why do we have to do it now? We can do it tomorrow.” Siwon stated while lying in comfort in my bed.
“Okay…” I said, cause I don’t want to do that project too.
“You know for someone trying to be a good student, you are failing.” he commented on me. I just smiled at it sweetly as I went to my bed and lie on it as well by Siwon’s side. That was when I noticed that Siwon’s eyes were closed. Is he sleeping? He must be tired or something. His cheeks were looking so adorably cute now for some odd reason.
“You’re face is so fluffy…” I started poking them and enjoying it as well.
“Stop poking me you stupid fish…” he murmured while his eyes were still closed but I continued in poking them. As I continued my action, Siwon suddenly smiled with his lips still together. I was surprised to see it that I stopped poking him. He looked mesmerizing like this.
Later on, Siwon opened one of his eyes. He may had been wondering why I stopped. I grinned to him and gave him one poke in his cheek. But I definitely did not expect his following action. Siwon poked back and he just poked my nose of all the part in my face.
“Ouch…” I sneered.
“serves you right…” he said with an evil smirk. I wam ready to give my revenge when my door suddenly opened to welcome yet another guest. In an instant, my adrenaline pumped that I pushed Siwon out of the bed. I didn’t where did I get my strength but I really was able to push him out of the bed despite his size.
“Awww… That hurts! You fish!” Siwon stated but I didn’t care about him because I was more concerned in the girl that just entered my room. Did she saw that?
“Yoona!” I yelled t excitement and rush to the stunned girl. She was eyeing Siwon who was still in the floor. I could tell he was surprised too. I mean who wouldn’t?
“I’m here to do our stupid project.” Siwon stated just to give Yoona an explanation.
“I see…” she said.
“Don’t mind him.” I stated.
“Sorry Donghae, I should have called you first. I didn’t know you are busy.” Yoona apologized.
“No I’m not!” I blurted, I could tell that Siwon chuckled in mockery.
“Anyways, what brings you here Yoona?” I asked.
“I just baked some cookies and I thought I could share it with you.” Yoona explained as she showed me the cookies she brought.
“You can have some too Siwon.” Yoona said to Siwon.
“Of course I will not decline to such offer.” Siwon smirked and I just want to punch him now.
As things went on unexpectedly. Siwon, Yoona and I spent the next minutes together eating the cookies. Yoona and I seated in my bed while Siwon is on my study chair.
“The atmosphere is a little different.” Yoona uttered.
“What do you mean the atmosphere is different?” I asked her.
“It feels like there is no tension between the two of you this time.” She said and I almost coughed to that statement. Damn! Actually I noticed that too. Not only to Siwon and I, but also to Yoona and Siwon.
“I still hate him you know.” I said.
“Of course you do…” Siwon snapped.
“Obviously, I was expecting Mr. Lee to act professional in this partnership.” Siwon started declaring using his perfect student persona with his perfect student accent “Whatever grudges we have for each other are outside our school work.” he finished and I just want to puke. Yoona looked surprise then she looked at me as if looking for a respond.
“I just want all of these to get over with. The sooner the better…” I speak. Siwon’s eyebrows twitched giving me a questioning look, and I simply stick my tongue to him. Siwon rolled his eyes and leaned more in the table. He was plotting something, I know he was.
“Hey Yoona.” Siwon called out that get both I and Yoona’s attention.
“Do you want to go on a date with me?” Siwon declared with so much confidence. What is he saying? Is he teasing me or what? I’m speechless so as Yoona. Before Yoona could reply; Siwon uttered another statement.
“Just kidding…” Siwon stated as simple as that.
“Perhaps it would better if you go out on a date with Donghae instead.” Siwon said another statement that made to of us speechless. Yoona and I looked at each other unintentionally and looked away afterwards. I’m so embarrasses to death and maybe Yoona too. Siwon, I’m going to throw you to the sea and let all the sharks eat you alive.
I looked up to see Siwon to give him a glare but I was not able to do what I was planning the moment I gazed upon his face. Rather, I am confused. Instead of an evil smirk that I am expecting, Siwon looks quite sad. Our eyes met afterwards, then he smiled which I might describe is a little bitter.
“I think the two of you should go on a date instead.” Oh Yoona, if only you really know what was happening. That sounded wrong. There was nothing happening? There was no date happening!
“Why would I go on a date with him! He’s a guy!”
“You are gay, you just didn’t know it yet.” Yoona said. Oh yes, my bestfriend was still up with her yaoi fantasies on me.
“Even if I’m gay. I wouldn’t date Siwon. I mean he’s… Siwon… He’s a bastard!”
No one talked, until…
“I’m going now.” Yoona stated and it made me come back to my senses.
“Ahmm…. Sure…” I was able to manage to say as I also stood up to escort Yoona.
“Bye Siwon…” Yoona said to Siwon, Siwon just raised his hands without even saying a word.
As soon as Yoona was out; I walked back to my room still thinking of Siwon. He’s weird. I can’t really tell but his actions were weird. I finally reached my room and Siwon just have to welcome me with one of his stupid bastardish smiles that I want to punch him like now.
“Hey Fish!” he yelled. “Nice acting…” came another statement with his boastful voice.
“I really hate you and you know that!” I said to him.
“I love you too!” he teased, but I found myself being struck with the statement. It was meant to be a joke but still… What the hell Donghae! It was just a joke… and… and…
I waved my hand to show my discontent.
Siwon’s stay in our house turned to be longer than expected. My mother already had a liking in him by the instant and invited him to eat dinner with us. But my father had adored him like crazy and even offered for him to sleep in our house. I guess it might be because of what Hyukjae said about Siwon’s charms. Really? Since when did bastard and charming become synonymous?
“I never knew you have a friend like him.” My mom said as she handed me the plate, I was supposed to help her washing the dishes.
“Do I have to let you meet all my friends?” Okay, I was not really this witty to my parents but I was just annoyed with all this Siwon-obsession.
“It’s just that I like this friend of yours. I want to adopt him.” Mom said. I didn’t want to say anything more or I’ll have to meet my mother’s powerful rants. I swear, mom was like a debate champion.
“What I don’t get is how he and dad got along so fine.” I found myself speaking my mind.
“They find something in common I believe.” mom answered like it is just normal.
“Dah… It’s just Siwon has a thinking similar to old people.” I stated.
“Donghae, come and join us!” I heard my father and of course being the obedient son I am I went to the living room with Siwon and dad chatting over something I don’t even want to know.
“You know, you should get more pointers to this friend of yours.” My father said to me.
“Dad!?” I reacted violently but my father just shrugged off and did not care at all on what I feel.
“Do you think we can adopt Siwon?” Dad said with such delight. Seriuosly, the last thing I wanted was for my parents to embarrass me. I looked at Siwon and I could see he looked ahm… shy?... I wanted to laugh at him looking like this. I had seen him like this a couple of times already. He usually acts like this whenever he gets compliments.
“Hey Siwon, do you want to live here in our house?” My tactless dad asked Siwon and it made Siwon act more uncomfortable? Oh god! He’s just so adorable looking like this… I can’t believe how many times did I say that he’s adorable this day? And I just smiled.
-----
Just like how it ended, Siwon really was going to sleep in our house today. There is no school tomorrow anyway.
“You’re dad is cool… He has amazing way of thinking.” Siwon said, he and dad really got along.
“My dad is just like any regular old man in his forties. It’s just that you are not a regular teenage boy.” I snorted.
“Hey!” he yelled to protest then my phone rang and picked it up immediately.
“Hello!” I answered and see Siwon eyeing at me.
“Yoona…” I said after hearing Yoona’s voice. I see Siwon’s eyes widened.
“Is Siwon there?” Yoona asked from the other line.
“No, he’s not here.” I answered immediately looking at Siwon. Siwon just gave me that confused look. I lied. I don’t know, it was just by default. I always lie when it involved Siwon. Might be habit of all the secrecy.
“ I thought he is, You two look amusing.” Yoona said. I did not answer through it. “I’m glad you are getting along…” Yoona said again.
“Since when did we get along?” I protested ‘since almost two or three months now’
“You act like you’re best buddies a while ago. It looks cute.” I heard her say.
“It’s all for the sake of the project.” I answered back sounding annoyed, well it was not a lie this time, right? It really was for the sake of the project.
“Siwon is a good guy. Get to know him through this and I bet you could be good buddies.” she said. I smiled, I couldn’t agree more…. I looked at Siwon and he was giving me that smirk again. I just glared at him. Yaryt, Siwon was still a bastard.
“Did you just call me to say that?” I asked quite curious.
“No not really, I’m just worried about you. I’m worried because every time you and Siwon have to cross paths. I don’t know what could happen. But after seeing the two of you a while ago; I have just a feeling that nothing will. But I’m still worried so I called.” she said, it sounded sincere.
“Too late about that. I already have some bruises, a black-eye, and I think I broke my ribs or something. Siwon really knows how to punch.” I joked. I was expecting Yoona to keep with me but I did not hear nothing much from the other line. Don’t tell me she believed what I said?
“Yoona I’m just kidding. Nothing happened.” I confessed.
“Lee Donghae! Don’t say jokes like that!” I heard her shout. She actually believed me didn’t she? And I almost admitted to myself that I am the most guillible person in the world, almost.
“Ah… sorry Yoong…” I apologized.
“But to be completely honest, I think we really are getting along.” I said an ample of truth looking at Siwon drinking coke. He was still a cola-addict. I should find a way to steal it later.
“Well, that’s good. I’ll pray that it will continue to progress.” Yoona said and I believe her.
“Oh, I’ll hang up now. Talk to you some time.” she said in cheerfulness.
“Yoona, I love you.” I uttered the words without thinking. There was silence but I just couldn’t hang up.
“I love you too Hae.” Yoona said softly. Of course she’ll say that. Yoona was sweet after all, and she must have thought that is just a friendly gesture.
‘That didn’t sound it went well’ I said in my mind. I’m still wasn’t sure in what I was doing. And then I saw Siwon. His mood changed again, he suddenly became stoic or lost in thought.
“Siwon.” I called him and no response “Siwon.” I repeat myself.
“Ah yes…” this time he responded with his eyes quite widened. And I just don’t know what to say. Gotta think of a question fast.
“Do you think I even have progress in making Yoona fall for me?” I asked since I’ve been effing to ask him that.
“Of course” Siwon said softly. “Just be patient I guess, you will get her eventually.” he continued and smiled at me. Somehow, I just found myself digesting everything. It kinda felt weird. I know Siwon can be kind but it just felt different. Well nevermind.
Siwon and I decided to do unnecessary things tonight. Well, as expected from him, Siwon was after all responsible so he decided to do some student council work while here. On the contrary, I decided to paint. It had been a long time since I painted.
“You paint?” Siwon asked in surprise when he saw my paintings, of which was by the way not intentionally.
“Yeah! It became some sort of a hobby.” I answered shyly, I’m always embarrassed when it comes to my painting.
“Hobby? But you are so damn good!” he said in amazement, and it feels like he’s exaggerating it. And I felt speechless with all these.
“How come I do not know that you paint?” he asked a little disappointed.
“No one is suppose to know it. I did not intend in telling it. Only my family, Yoona and Hyukjae knows about it.” I admitted. I had always been hesitant to tell this to everybody. Painting is so precious to me.
“You could have at least told me…” he spoke freely with his eyebrows close together. “Are you planning to pursue a career in art?” he throws another question. I think he became excited over this discovery.
“I still don’t know…” I said in honesty.
“I think you should! Your paintings are better than we have displayed in our house.” he commented looking at the art pieces I did from the past. His words, they we so encouraging. I had been told by Yoona, Hyukjae, or my family to pursue something in art. But I was never encouraged like this the way Siwon was encouraging me.
“Hey! Don’t look at those…” I protested but Siwon was just too eager to see them. And by this time; I found myself not really moving.
“How come you have so many portraits of Yoona and you did not paint me at all!” Siwon complained!
“Why would I paint you?” I hissed.
“Why not? You even painted Hyukjae…” he said showing me a painting I did. A picture of Hyukjae and I laughing. I usually paint portraits of my significant others. I guess I am too sentimental. I have also painting of my family, a painting of Yoona and I, and a portrait of Hyukjae and her girlfriend, Hara once as present of their anniversary among others…
“Hey Lee Donghae! You should paint me too.” Siwon snorted in a command.
“Why would I paint you? I’ll just waste a canvass painting your face!” I snapped but Siwon appeared to be unfazed by everything. He did not fight back or anything, he just looks so happy with his thoughts.
“How about you also do a painting like this one?” he said still holding the painting with Hyukjae, Yoona and I.
“Only this time it will be the two of us..” he said with a contended smile and it left me speechless. Siwon continued on looking at my other works as I found myself looking at him. And I thought how did I miss to paint such a beautiful sight?
------
“Donghae, could I tell you a secret?” I heard Siwon’s voice echoing in the dark. His voice was husky and low. I also heard the sound of the ceramic mug in contact with the tiled kitchen counter.
We should be sleeping by now, but instead, we were in our kitchen sharing a mug of warm milk. Warm milk was somehow a necessity for me before I sleep. When I was a child, whenever I get nightmares, a glass of warm milk would always calm me down. So I had always associated milk as something calming, especially at night. I guess, I never let go of the habit as I grew up. So it was a ritual for me to go to the kitchen somewhere at night to serve my craving of the white creamy liquid. It was usually a solo activity but Siwon decided to join me tonight. A company I didn’t really mind.
The remnant of our lively before-sleep conversation had already died down minutes ago and was replaced by the calm longing in the counter milk-drinking. But I guess Siwon had decided for another round of talk. Maybe this time, something serious.
“Ammm… Sure…” I said, taking a sip of my second serving white substance, not taking my eyes off the light coming from the staircase. It was the only thing that illuminating the first floor of our house. I did not bother switching the lights of the kitchen. The minimal amount of light was already enough. And also I preferred it that way, it was more calming. “I swear, I will not tell a soul.”
Siwon did not spoke for seconds. Until I heard a deep sigh coming from my side where Siwon was.
“I think I’m bisexual.”
Good thing I had already gulped the milk in my mouth. If not, I might had ended up spilling it in the kitchen. But damn hell! Did I just hear that right?
I turned my head to my side shocked. “What?” I was prepared for any secret but that one. That one. That was a bit too impossible. Choi-bastard-Siwon? Gay? Bisexual? Was I still living in this planet? Am I abducted by aliens?
“You know? Bisexual? Someone who was attracted to both sexes?” I heard him. I expected him maybe to sound irritated, but he rather sounded calm.
“Of course I know what bisexual is...” I said in an automatic reaction. But then all other words died down before I could let it go. Siwon was looking at me intently and I was almost sure that he was not lying or playing with me. I just surrendered I guess. How could I not when he was looking at me almost afraid, as if waiting, asking of me. If Siwon was really bisexual, there was nothing wrong with it. He was still Siwon, my nemesis, the bastard that he also happened to be my friend.
Yeah, acceptance - I am accepting him, that was what I feel. But other than that, somehow, I also felt some joy. Siwon told me a secret this deep. He trusted me that he told me that. I felt honored and important to him. This trust, I would like to keep. I guess I should be doing what I should be doing. Be the friend, be that person to show no judgment, that person to show the care or understanding or whatever Siwon needed. Because that what true people should do. “How did you find out?” my voice surprisingly sounded caring.
He did not speak for like a minute… It was until I heard him let out a breath. “Simple, I find myself really attracted to a person, and he just happened to be a dude. It was a bit confusing though. At first I think the only reason that I may somehow I get attracted to him is that because he can look like a girl. I mean, he can be very beautiful. But I know for sure that he is a dude, because he punches very hard. And even how much I tried to convince myself that this was just some sort of platonic admiration, I know it was not. He is a guy, but that did not stop me from being attracted to him.”
I didn’t know how to act on Siwon’s secret. It was a bit unreal to me that Siwon was saying those words. There were so much genuine feelings in the way he said the words. It was like the person who said those words weren’t him, or did it felt like I was seeing this side of him. But what really struck me, was that the fact that Siwon could actually like someone, whether it was a male or a female, but the fact that Siwon like someone else, I still could not fathom how this thing could happen. Was he falling in love? How much did he like this person?
Then suddenly, I felt some sort of pang somewhere deep in my chest. It was almost the same as what I felt during that time with Ayumi. But this would not turn into something like the one in Ayumi. I swear, I would not let this one grow into something destructive. But the pain, the irritation, the uneasiness, and some anger, and something even more, possessiveness? They were all there. Was I jealous? No it can’t be. Whether what vicious feelings there were inside of me, somehow I still wanted to know, but at the same time I didn’t.
“What was he like?”
I was not jealous. I was just curious. Right?
“Who?”
“That guy you like.”
I was not jealous. I just needed to know what was he like.
“I told you, he looks girly but could take a punch.”
I was scared of what he would say, and I didn’t know why? But I want him to speak and tell me, what was with this person, this guy, that could make Siwon like this. That could make Siwon look so vulnerable, that could make him spoke so caring, or could make Siwon’s eyes so warm yet raging. What was with this certain guy that could do all these things to the teenager I was talking? Why him?
“You don’t have to describe his physical characteristics. I mean what is he really like? His personality? You know? Things that made you attracted to him?” Why the hell was I asking these questions? These weren’t right things to say? And I hope my voice would not crumble as I spoke. “Okay… If you really don’t want to know… I won’t bug you anymore… You have every right to keep it to…”
I expected him to not say a word but instead, “He is a pain in the ass.” Although the words he said were not a compliment, I could tell that there was some endearment on the way he talked. He really liked this guy that much huh?
“Who?”
“Him.”
“He was the most egoistical person I had ever encountered. And I was not the most humble person in the world either. So we always ended up clashing, because none of us want to lose to anyone. But I think both of us still lost in the end, none of us could win over each other. He was the only one who could make me eat my pride… He’s very brave but he is also scared of many things.” I didn’t noticed how much I was staring at his profile as he spoke “He is child-like, with I’m with him, I feel so young, so full of life.” I could barely see that small smile in his face. “ He always has the most endearing reactions, that’s why I could not help but tease him. And I tease him a lot. He can be bratty too, but he can be very mature, especially on how he looks life or how he treats other people... He hides many things but he’s very transparent. His eyes will tell everything.” I heard him chuckle a little “I guess we could say that this guy has such a fuck-up personality.”
“But you’re attracted to him?”
“Yes, I am…” he answered abruptly.
Siwon was sure of his feelings for this guy, at least the attraction part. I wonder if it was just mere attraction though. He sounded like there was something more. That nasty feeling started crawling down in my chest again. Siwon, this person that you like, why him?
“One more thing.” He said lowly.
Siwon took a quick glance in me, and for the first time, I saw his eyes. In the darkness, those burning orbs were the only things I could see that it sent some sort of a raging storm within me. And there was something in the way that he looked at me that made me more confused. I felt like I was missing something. Like there was something more. Like there was something he was not telling me, something I wanted and needed to know. But it was just a strange feeling; asking through it would lead to me to nothing. So I’d rather not.
His lips turned into a bitter but genuine smile. I questioned if the smile was even directed to me on the first place. Was it? All I knew, it made me want to know more of that certain something, to make sense out of this weird situation we were in to, of this strange night in this kitchen, on how it suddenly came to this. The feeling that I was missing something was even stronger now. And before I knew it, those dark eyes weren’t looking in mine anymore.
“And he…” Siwon paused, I could barely see his eyes with the darkness and the way he was facing somewhere not in me, those dark orbs were looking at the source of the only thing that was lighting the kitchen. And again, I waited. Siwon, what would you say? “And he just happens to be the most oblivious person in the world.”
to be continued…
Author’s Note: As the one who wrote this shit, I could openly say that this is my favorite chapter to date. I could had updated yesterday but then I was actually stuck at the last part. But I finally got it together today... So yaayy!!!
Thank you for reading...