Been far away for far too long...
Well... I have to admit that I haven't really written in here for a long time. Why? I haven't got much to say it seems. I dunno why, but keeping up with my journa by writing entries seems tedious. More work than I want to do. I have no trouble keeping up with other people that I keep an eye on, but that is a bit more passive.
I guess I should be honest and say I am a bit afraid of what I might write. I have been know to be quite blunt and tactless most of the time. I am very literal, and very honest and truthful. This is not to say I never lie or stretch the truth sometimes, but for the most part I am a very honest person. This is nearly to a fault, and I may say things I didn't quite mean. Even easier is to write things that I may not quite mean the way people read them. The meaning of the words are different from me, but because of my perspective on life and the history I have had. History I can't quite translate to the written word with any success. (I have tried before, but got feed up due to impatience)
I also have gotten in alot of trouble wth people I cared about alot with things I have written in livejournal. I have lost friends, and after a manner of speaking I had lost my wife as well. Though that didn't have everything to do with livejournal, but it was a small part of it as well. So yeah... I am a bit skittish about writting what is on my mind when I am constantly thinking about the possible consequence of angering someone and losing a friend due to a misunderstood passage I wrote.
The old saying used to be... "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!" Yet as one gets old you learn how untrue this saying really is. Oh yeah sticks and stones wil still break my bones, but friends and loved ones lost due to upset about the words I say seems a more crushing blow in my mind.
I learn and grow. Acquire new friends, and in a way new loved ones. I am just afraid of the possibility that such things may be a cycle, and I will just end up losing alot of people I care about again. Hell... it can be such a drama sometimes, and I hate drama. Yet some people would think so when they look at the way I run my life.
Yet I hold to my old mantra... "Live and Learn... Hope and Try... Grow or Die..."
So in all this mutterings about myself... what is there to know about me?
Well... Summer has come for me and I am out of school for it. My final grades in ASU was Unix: A, Math brief calc: C, Macro economics: C, Communications: E(failure). This burns me alot as I know my comm grade could have been saved, but due to a clumsy error of my alarm clock... I lost any chance of saving it. I have to retake the class, and don't make the mistakes of before. I could have gotten a better grade on math if I had turned in all my homework. I missed only 1 assignment for econ, but when you only get 4 in the entire semester... it hurts to miss it. I otherwise did very well in econ. Unix was a presumed A before I started. Yay my ego. I didn't do the homework there either because I presumed I would pass easily on tests alone. Yay my ego. I was told if people didn't turn in their homeork te teacher would fail us regardless of our test scores. *Smack* my ego... damn bitch. I should really leave my computer superiority ego behind. I mean... I am not even that good at computers anymore like I was when I was younger. I was good, but it got more complex and at a point I let it pass me by. Now I find I know little of anything these days. Yeah I understand basics, but I am at a loss for anything else. So I must relearn what I believed I was already good at. Because I am not anymore.
I need to just get of my high horse in general. I used to be a very good student... in high school. Near Straight A student without trying. I was bored most of the time in school because I easily learned the material and passed all the other students up, and then had to twiddle my thumbs and wait as they caught up. Yet when you step back and realize the scope nd level of cmplexity of hih school... you quickly realize there was very little you learned from that institution as compared to college. They make that shit easy on purpose. In some cases college is not that much better, but they are more adament about holding you to you responsibility and making you accountable for your work. In short I actually have to do it whether it is tedious or easy or not. If I don't... I lose at least a letter grade. In some cases I fail the class. In all cases I just make it harder than it has to be. Easy busy work for points. Seems sensible what I must do. It's not like I don't have the time really. I dont' have a job or anything else to occupy my life. Just school, and my family/friends relationships. My relationship with Sarah. Things like that. It does take time, but it doesn't take so much as I can't get everything done and still have time to be lazy. So what does that mean? Score one for procrastination. My greastest sin.
Anyways... onward. Whatelse am I doing? I am reading a big book that is called "His Dark Matterials" which is a combination of "The Golden Compass", "The Subtle Knife", and "The Amber Spyglass". All by Philip Pullman. I must say it has been a very drawing story. An unusual battle for heaven and hell kind story with an odd twist... or many of them. It is a good book, ad I am still working on the 3rd part, but I would still recommend it to people. Funny how the movie they made based on it pales in comparison to the book. They got the main points more or less, but mixed up the order slightly. The movie lost alot of detail though, but given the depth of the story... it is easy to see why.
Other things. Sarah and I are getting along very well. I would be lying if I said we didn't have our speed bumps. To me they seem like speed mountains at times. There have been moments so tense where I felt I had to pack up and go. I felt so certain that was the only choice that I nearly had done so, but after a little time... a night of sleep... a bit of thought... I settled down and decided that I still loved her more, and I would just keep trying because she does mean that much to me. There are times she has admitted to me she was surprised I hadn't left already. I guess she doesn't realize I am good at being tolerant, and putting up with alot of shit. Oh I complain about it mightly at times, but I still bear with it. There have been times in the back of my mind where I wonder if she is trying to push me away. She wants to make it so I walk away in frustration because she doesn't have the heart to end the relationship herself. I don't think that truly is the case, but she is very uncertain because she has not had a relationship last this long successfully. We may have our problems at times, but by and large I think our relationship has been a very successful one. I am still not willing to back down or give in on it in the least... I will only leave when I am told to go.
My kids are doing well. Though it has been a while since I have seen them. They have gotten to spend a week in Massachusetts. Laura and the kids went with Dirk to visit his family back east. I have to say I was a bit scared and hesitant to hear my kids travelling so far away. Even just for a vacation. Perhaps it is a bit of my paranoia welling up in me. Yet after I thought about it one sunday evening... I told them all to learn all they can about this new place, and find something they love about it. Learn and grow. The best bit of advice I can pass on to my wonderful children. I hope they have fun.
My mom and dad are doing well, and so is great grandma. They are having some vacations for the summer. Off to the woods in northern arizona. I may be doing some house sitting for them on one or more of these trips as well. Yet I do hope to get to go along on their big trip that will be their last one. It may sound strange, but I need to get away from everything. Different place, and a change of pace. Perhaps I would appreciate what I have more if I get away from it for a little while and cme back to look upon it all with refreshed eyes and mind.
I was going to look for a job this summer, and honestly I have trieds. I can't say I have tried very hard, but things came up over the summer to make it a bit less feasible to get a job. The temp agency I normally work with and has done well with me before... just isn't working now. My parents need some help, and that would mean I would have to stop working for about a week almost. Then the camping trip I don't want to miss... and then school rather shortly thereafter. Not much time it seems at all. I often notice that as I get older. A few months always seem like less and less time available to do anything.
So that is pretty much what has happened for a while. Last few months. It has been difficult a times, but if you ask me... they were al good times. I shall learn from the disappointments, and remember the happyness. I shall hope for more happiness in the future, and do the best I can to make the right decisions.
I will try to endevor to perservere. (or... I shall try to try to try!)
I guess I shall leave it there for now. I don't know when I will write again, but most of you will hear from me in one way or another. I wish you all the best as well!
x Jeremy M.
I guess I should be honest and say I am a bit afraid of what I might write. I have been know to be quite blunt and tactless most of the time. I am very literal, and very honest and truthful. This is not to say I never lie or stretch the truth sometimes, but for the most part I am a very honest person. This is nearly to a fault, and I may say things I didn't quite mean. Even easier is to write things that I may not quite mean the way people read them. The meaning of the words are different from me, but because of my perspective on life and the history I have had. History I can't quite translate to the written word with any success. (I have tried before, but got feed up due to impatience)
I also have gotten in alot of trouble wth people I cared about alot with things I have written in livejournal. I have lost friends, and after a manner of speaking I had lost my wife as well. Though that didn't have everything to do with livejournal, but it was a small part of it as well. So yeah... I am a bit skittish about writting what is on my mind when I am constantly thinking about the possible consequence of angering someone and losing a friend due to a misunderstood passage I wrote.
The old saying used to be... "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!" Yet as one gets old you learn how untrue this saying really is. Oh yeah sticks and stones wil still break my bones, but friends and loved ones lost due to upset about the words I say seems a more crushing blow in my mind.
I learn and grow. Acquire new friends, and in a way new loved ones. I am just afraid of the possibility that such things may be a cycle, and I will just end up losing alot of people I care about again. Hell... it can be such a drama sometimes, and I hate drama. Yet some people would think so when they look at the way I run my life.
Yet I hold to my old mantra... "Live and Learn... Hope and Try... Grow or Die..."
So in all this mutterings about myself... what is there to know about me?
Well... Summer has come for me and I am out of school for it. My final grades in ASU was Unix: A, Math brief calc: C, Macro economics: C, Communications: E(failure). This burns me alot as I know my comm grade could have been saved, but due to a clumsy error of my alarm clock... I lost any chance of saving it. I have to retake the class, and don't make the mistakes of before. I could have gotten a better grade on math if I had turned in all my homework. I missed only 1 assignment for econ, but when you only get 4 in the entire semester... it hurts to miss it. I otherwise did very well in econ. Unix was a presumed A before I started. Yay my ego. I didn't do the homework there either because I presumed I would pass easily on tests alone. Yay my ego. I was told if people didn't turn in their homeork te teacher would fail us regardless of our test scores. *Smack* my ego... damn bitch. I should really leave my computer superiority ego behind. I mean... I am not even that good at computers anymore like I was when I was younger. I was good, but it got more complex and at a point I let it pass me by. Now I find I know little of anything these days. Yeah I understand basics, but I am at a loss for anything else. So I must relearn what I believed I was already good at. Because I am not anymore.
I need to just get of my high horse in general. I used to be a very good student... in high school. Near Straight A student without trying. I was bored most of the time in school because I easily learned the material and passed all the other students up, and then had to twiddle my thumbs and wait as they caught up. Yet when you step back and realize the scope nd level of cmplexity of hih school... you quickly realize there was very little you learned from that institution as compared to college. They make that shit easy on purpose. In some cases college is not that much better, but they are more adament about holding you to you responsibility and making you accountable for your work. In short I actually have to do it whether it is tedious or easy or not. If I don't... I lose at least a letter grade. In some cases I fail the class. In all cases I just make it harder than it has to be. Easy busy work for points. Seems sensible what I must do. It's not like I don't have the time really. I dont' have a job or anything else to occupy my life. Just school, and my family/friends relationships. My relationship with Sarah. Things like that. It does take time, but it doesn't take so much as I can't get everything done and still have time to be lazy. So what does that mean? Score one for procrastination. My greastest sin.
Anyways... onward. Whatelse am I doing? I am reading a big book that is called "His Dark Matterials" which is a combination of "The Golden Compass", "The Subtle Knife", and "The Amber Spyglass". All by Philip Pullman. I must say it has been a very drawing story. An unusual battle for heaven and hell kind story with an odd twist... or many of them. It is a good book, ad I am still working on the 3rd part, but I would still recommend it to people. Funny how the movie they made based on it pales in comparison to the book. They got the main points more or less, but mixed up the order slightly. The movie lost alot of detail though, but given the depth of the story... it is easy to see why.
Other things. Sarah and I are getting along very well. I would be lying if I said we didn't have our speed bumps. To me they seem like speed mountains at times. There have been moments so tense where I felt I had to pack up and go. I felt so certain that was the only choice that I nearly had done so, but after a little time... a night of sleep... a bit of thought... I settled down and decided that I still loved her more, and I would just keep trying because she does mean that much to me. There are times she has admitted to me she was surprised I hadn't left already. I guess she doesn't realize I am good at being tolerant, and putting up with alot of shit. Oh I complain about it mightly at times, but I still bear with it. There have been times in the back of my mind where I wonder if she is trying to push me away. She wants to make it so I walk away in frustration because she doesn't have the heart to end the relationship herself. I don't think that truly is the case, but she is very uncertain because she has not had a relationship last this long successfully. We may have our problems at times, but by and large I think our relationship has been a very successful one. I am still not willing to back down or give in on it in the least... I will only leave when I am told to go.
My kids are doing well. Though it has been a while since I have seen them. They have gotten to spend a week in Massachusetts. Laura and the kids went with Dirk to visit his family back east. I have to say I was a bit scared and hesitant to hear my kids travelling so far away. Even just for a vacation. Perhaps it is a bit of my paranoia welling up in me. Yet after I thought about it one sunday evening... I told them all to learn all they can about this new place, and find something they love about it. Learn and grow. The best bit of advice I can pass on to my wonderful children. I hope they have fun.
My mom and dad are doing well, and so is great grandma. They are having some vacations for the summer. Off to the woods in northern arizona. I may be doing some house sitting for them on one or more of these trips as well. Yet I do hope to get to go along on their big trip that will be their last one. It may sound strange, but I need to get away from everything. Different place, and a change of pace. Perhaps I would appreciate what I have more if I get away from it for a little while and cme back to look upon it all with refreshed eyes and mind.
I was going to look for a job this summer, and honestly I have trieds. I can't say I have tried very hard, but things came up over the summer to make it a bit less feasible to get a job. The temp agency I normally work with and has done well with me before... just isn't working now. My parents need some help, and that would mean I would have to stop working for about a week almost. Then the camping trip I don't want to miss... and then school rather shortly thereafter. Not much time it seems at all. I often notice that as I get older. A few months always seem like less and less time available to do anything.
So that is pretty much what has happened for a while. Last few months. It has been difficult a times, but if you ask me... they were al good times. I shall learn from the disappointments, and remember the happyness. I shall hope for more happiness in the future, and do the best I can to make the right decisions.
I will try to endevor to perservere. (or... I shall try to try to try!)
I guess I shall leave it there for now. I don't know when I will write again, but most of you will hear from me in one way or another. I wish you all the best as well!
x Jeremy M.