(no subject)
I don't know what I am doing. Or why now... I do though- but I don't. Its so beautiful here in Atlanta at night, sitting by the runway watching planes take off before I'm swept away again, off onto the dance floor. I love it so much, the music sucks me in and I feel more myself than ever. I want to spend at least one semester here just so I can take dancing lessons and improve, maybe get a summer job that I don't have to quit immediately for school. But I have a sweetheart in Savannah that I'm letting go of to chase my dreams. And it hurts. I keep crying myself to sleep at night cause I don't want this to end. A voice in my head says there has to be some way to take it all back and go back in time, get housing there and stay. Then another voice says its best this way, its what Life has in store. I wanted to share so many songs, movies, experiences, memories with him, that I just don't have time enough now to share. He's an amazing boy and he'll make an amazing man. I just wish I could have been a part of that journey for longer, at least longer than this. I wanted us to make it through the summer and blossom in the Fall. But the way things were going it didn't feel strong enough on his part. This is all happening so fast. He said he'd been distant because I kept leaving for Atlanta, for this job I've taken. And the sad thing is that if he hadn't been distant, if he'd been affectionate and welcoming and loving when I'd come back, if he showed excitement and signs that he wanted me in his life, I never would have transferred. I had planned on getting lessons set up with the dance teachers there in Savannah. But his distance and ignorance was the deciding factor. I had planned on transferring for the Spring quarter long before I'd met him, my DJ friend Alan kept telling me I should and I wanted to, and I told him I would as long as nothing came up that held me there. Then I met John and I decided to stay. But after two months of the affection seemingly going down hill in a hopeless way, I decided he didn't want me anymore and just couldn't say it, so in a matter of minutes everything was done, the transfer was complete.
Some times I feel confidant and I tell myself he'll be happy without me in his life, he'll party more, maybe even date someone more outgoing and funny that makes him laugh more and brings more joy to his days. I thought of everything I could to make him happy and most of my ideas were flops. I hope he meets someone so amazing with that special spark that just sets him on fire. If he does I know I'll be happy for him. Sad that it couldn't have been me, but he looks so goddamn beautiful when he smiles, I wish I could have brought it out more. Still, if he's single when I transfer back to Savannah and I am too, maybe we'll get a second chance. Only time will tell. But I plan on making this last month the best I can. I want to live it like there's no tomorrow.
Some times I feel confidant and I tell myself he'll be happy without me in his life, he'll party more, maybe even date someone more outgoing and funny that makes him laugh more and brings more joy to his days. I thought of everything I could to make him happy and most of my ideas were flops. I hope he meets someone so amazing with that special spark that just sets him on fire. If he does I know I'll be happy for him. Sad that it couldn't have been me, but he looks so goddamn beautiful when he smiles, I wish I could have brought it out more. Still, if he's single when I transfer back to Savannah and I am too, maybe we'll get a second chance. Only time will tell. But I plan on making this last month the best I can. I want to live it like there's no tomorrow.