Journal Update - Get out of my way, coz I'm having a bad day
Heyo
Yes, yes. I'm doing a personal update. It's 3:11 am and I'm feeling kinda bitchy. I'm just a bit fed up with my family at the moment. A proof copy of my book arrived the other day... had to walk all the way to the post office delivery office to pick it up, 3 weeks I waited for the bloody thing... anyway I got it and I had sort of thought about giving it to my mom as a christmas present (it would have been a very late prezzie but all the same) because she's always said that she knew I would be a writer. Given the content of the book I was a bit nervous about giving it to her, then not longer after it arrived she started bashing RTD (he's not my favourite person but he brought back Who and gave us TW) for letting all those 'gay men' running wild. Well after that I couldn't give it to her... so I decided to keep quiet.
But me being the poor neglected soul that I am I craved the attention I was sure I'd get if I told her that I'm finally a published author. She was making dinner at the time and I was nervous... haven't been that nervous since I came out as Bi... but in the end the conversation went like this
"You know I write under a pen name, don't you?"
"Yeah"
"Well I'm published. I have a proof copy of my book upstairs" she just smiled, looked somewhat forced
"Are you excited?"
"Um yeah"
And that was it. I think that was Thursday/Friday and it hasn't been mentioned at all. No hug, no asking can I see it, can I read it... that hurt so fucking much. To make matters worse she went on and on about my sister's A's new hair cut today (which, honestly, looks exactly like my other sister's, B's, hair. My mom is slowly turning us all into the wonder kinder/student/daughter B).
I know it seems like I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill but things like this happens. I tried talking to my mom about NaNoWriMo, I was thinking about taking part in it and was gonna ask my mom what I should do but she was busy. I feel like such an idiot because every time I allow myself to believe it'll be different... that I'll get support or even interest in anything I do but no.
I went out nearly every night and got drunk, did she bat an eyelid? No! She was living it up with her new husband! When I would disappear off to the beach to smoke pot and swing balls of fire on chains around... anything? No. Today she asked me to come to the shops with her, it was either that or stay and home to stack dishes and clean (which I will have to do anyway tomorrow). I weighed it up and went with her and half way round Sainsbury's I realised why she'd asked me to come. She wanted me to do all the heavy lifting and carrying... heh, it's always been that way.
"Look after your sisters while I'm off at college... look after your sister's while I'm Uni... I'm getting an education so I can make life better for you all... you don't mind moving out do you? It's just there's not enough room now that I'm married... can you put this dining table together? can you put these shelves together? ... oh, I need these beds put up ... I don't like the neighbours, can you help me pack and move house?"
After all the years of being neglected and used as a babysitter/live in nanny/handywoman/cleaner I slipped into depression and OD'd. That was the biggest mistake and greatest thing that could happen to me; mistake coz I don't want to end things... I'm never going to do that again and best thing because it filled me with a confidence. I'm alive, I'm here and I don't have to take this shit anymore! I'm taking charge of my life and I'm going to leave. Once I get into Uni I'm going to leave these horrible people who treat me like this and take the steps to heal my depression. I'm even more sure of this decision to get away from people who treat me like an animal... like I'm dirt... after my mom brought up that scenario I might be bi-polar and need medication. That scares me... I'm pretty sure that I'm not bi-polar, I may have anger issues but who wouldn't after being treated like that and having no outlet for it? I have to bottle everything up because if I say anything then it's used against me to make me feel like I'm the guilty party for being so nasty!
I'm taking for granted and the worst thing about it is I brought it on myself. I'm a generous and selfless person by nature and they've just abused it. I go out of my way to do nice things for my family... in the past I've looked after three children before I even became a teenager... there's been countless times I went without just so they could have nice treats... took control of things when mommy dearest buggered off to sweden or america for work. I gave up any social life in high school because everyone thought that A was my daughter! I've walked through flooded subways just so they fuckin didn't get wet! And now A is so nasty to me, telling me that I'm disgusting and that I smell and that there's nothing good about me. She winds me up then B bitches at me for getting angry or upset... even my mom tells me off for getting pissed off with A. It's fucking hypocritcal is what it is! Oh, don't let her get to you... she's just a baby... she doesn't know any better! A happens to be the same age I was when I had to look after all three of my sisters! Why does she get fucking special treatment and I have to look after a 6 year old, 3 year old and a 1 year old at 11 years old?! It wasn't just for a few months, it was every day five days a week for about four years then on top of that when I was no longer needed to babysit B,C or A I had to look after my nan because no other bugger would do it! I had to travel two hours a day by bus to go and see her (even though there's family five minutes away from her by car) and make sure she had her shopping, clean her house... and do any other chores she needed me to do. GAAAAHHH!
*Sigh*
Enough of all that. I shouldn't let it get to me. I'll be out of here soon enough... I just have to get into a Uni and then I'm gone. New life, new friends, completely independent and Free!
I guess I shouldn't really talk about anything else. Had wanted to talk about Rammstein and Torchwood but... nah, I'm gonna talk about them. I like Rammstein's new song Pussy for obvious reasons (even though generally I hate the word). Any song that starts pretty much saying that size does matter after all is worth listening to! Hehe... And as for Torchwood... when I was in Sainsbury's today there was a woman pushing a pram and the brand on the side of the pram said iCandy. I couldn't help but laugh a little at that!
Alrght... enough of my late night ranting.... hm, I always rant late at night. I should do my best to avoid things like this! Oh well, can't be helped, life is shit and I know that more than most. Peas out y'all!
Yes, yes. I'm doing a personal update. It's 3:11 am and I'm feeling kinda bitchy. I'm just a bit fed up with my family at the moment. A proof copy of my book arrived the other day... had to walk all the way to the post office delivery office to pick it up, 3 weeks I waited for the bloody thing... anyway I got it and I had sort of thought about giving it to my mom as a christmas present (it would have been a very late prezzie but all the same) because she's always said that she knew I would be a writer. Given the content of the book I was a bit nervous about giving it to her, then not longer after it arrived she started bashing RTD (he's not my favourite person but he brought back Who and gave us TW) for letting all those 'gay men' running wild. Well after that I couldn't give it to her... so I decided to keep quiet.
But me being the poor neglected soul that I am I craved the attention I was sure I'd get if I told her that I'm finally a published author. She was making dinner at the time and I was nervous... haven't been that nervous since I came out as Bi... but in the end the conversation went like this
"You know I write under a pen name, don't you?"
"Yeah"
"Well I'm published. I have a proof copy of my book upstairs" she just smiled, looked somewhat forced
"Are you excited?"
"Um yeah"
And that was it. I think that was Thursday/Friday and it hasn't been mentioned at all. No hug, no asking can I see it, can I read it... that hurt so fucking much. To make matters worse she went on and on about my sister's A's new hair cut today (which, honestly, looks exactly like my other sister's, B's, hair. My mom is slowly turning us all into the wonder kinder/student/daughter B).
I know it seems like I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill but things like this happens. I tried talking to my mom about NaNoWriMo, I was thinking about taking part in it and was gonna ask my mom what I should do but she was busy. I feel like such an idiot because every time I allow myself to believe it'll be different... that I'll get support or even interest in anything I do but no.
I went out nearly every night and got drunk, did she bat an eyelid? No! She was living it up with her new husband! When I would disappear off to the beach to smoke pot and swing balls of fire on chains around... anything? No. Today she asked me to come to the shops with her, it was either that or stay and home to stack dishes and clean (which I will have to do anyway tomorrow). I weighed it up and went with her and half way round Sainsbury's I realised why she'd asked me to come. She wanted me to do all the heavy lifting and carrying... heh, it's always been that way.
"Look after your sisters while I'm off at college... look after your sister's while I'm Uni... I'm getting an education so I can make life better for you all... you don't mind moving out do you? It's just there's not enough room now that I'm married... can you put this dining table together? can you put these shelves together? ... oh, I need these beds put up ... I don't like the neighbours, can you help me pack and move house?"
After all the years of being neglected and used as a babysitter/live in nanny/handywoman/cleaner I slipped into depression and OD'd. That was the biggest mistake and greatest thing that could happen to me; mistake coz I don't want to end things... I'm never going to do that again and best thing because it filled me with a confidence. I'm alive, I'm here and I don't have to take this shit anymore! I'm taking charge of my life and I'm going to leave. Once I get into Uni I'm going to leave these horrible people who treat me like this and take the steps to heal my depression. I'm even more sure of this decision to get away from people who treat me like an animal... like I'm dirt... after my mom brought up that scenario I might be bi-polar and need medication. That scares me... I'm pretty sure that I'm not bi-polar, I may have anger issues but who wouldn't after being treated like that and having no outlet for it? I have to bottle everything up because if I say anything then it's used against me to make me feel like I'm the guilty party for being so nasty!
I'm taking for granted and the worst thing about it is I brought it on myself. I'm a generous and selfless person by nature and they've just abused it. I go out of my way to do nice things for my family... in the past I've looked after three children before I even became a teenager... there's been countless times I went without just so they could have nice treats... took control of things when mommy dearest buggered off to sweden or america for work. I gave up any social life in high school because everyone thought that A was my daughter! I've walked through flooded subways just so they fuckin didn't get wet! And now A is so nasty to me, telling me that I'm disgusting and that I smell and that there's nothing good about me. She winds me up then B bitches at me for getting angry or upset... even my mom tells me off for getting pissed off with A. It's fucking hypocritcal is what it is! Oh, don't let her get to you... she's just a baby... she doesn't know any better! A happens to be the same age I was when I had to look after all three of my sisters! Why does she get fucking special treatment and I have to look after a 6 year old, 3 year old and a 1 year old at 11 years old?! It wasn't just for a few months, it was every day five days a week for about four years then on top of that when I was no longer needed to babysit B,C or A I had to look after my nan because no other bugger would do it! I had to travel two hours a day by bus to go and see her (even though there's family five minutes away from her by car) and make sure she had her shopping, clean her house... and do any other chores she needed me to do. GAAAAHHH!
*Sigh*
Enough of all that. I shouldn't let it get to me. I'll be out of here soon enough... I just have to get into a Uni and then I'm gone. New life, new friends, completely independent and Free!
I guess I shouldn't really talk about anything else. Had wanted to talk about Rammstein and Torchwood but... nah, I'm gonna talk about them. I like Rammstein's new song Pussy for obvious reasons (even though generally I hate the word). Any song that starts pretty much saying that size does matter after all is worth listening to! Hehe... And as for Torchwood... when I was in Sainsbury's today there was a woman pushing a pram and the brand on the side of the pram said iCandy. I couldn't help but laugh a little at that!
Alrght... enough of my late night ranting.... hm, I always rant late at night. I should do my best to avoid things like this! Oh well, can't be helped, life is shit and I know that more than most. Peas out y'all!