my loneliness is killing me..
it's been about a month already since i left the philippines for china. everything here's been great. everything i need can be found here (except deodorants)-- milk, cereal, clothes, fastfoods, junk food, toiletries, internet, laptop, laundry, soccer fields, basketball courts, cotton buds, lotion, lip balm, cellphone, own bed, two pillows, transportation, malls, etc. everything. seriously.
it even feels great being able to do some things that have always been done for us.. for example, preparing breakfast, cleaning the room (or vacuuming), changing sheets, making the bed, planning dinner, planning trips, doing laundry, hanging clothes (and asking someone to iron for me!), arranging them and then planning what to wear the next day (sometimes it's cold, sometimes it's hot here), keeping the bathroom clean, replacing toiletries, calling for repairs (our aircondition's busted.. hassle!!), and making sure i go to mass on sundays. these are actually things i've taken for granted, things i didn't give much attention to before i left for beijing.
trust me. it's everything i've wanted to do. escape from home. do things on my own. live alone. work at my own time. spend on myself. go clubbing at night. sleep whenever i want. be independent. enjoy and relax for a couple of months. but then again i have to admit it gets very lonely for me at night sometimes. i don't know why. i mean, i have my american roommate who's just short of way cool (plays ultimate frisbee, boxes, loves pacquiao, and is very open minded about things), have my friends from ateneo --and they've been really great company. wouldn't wanna spend this jta sem without any one of them.-- and have my phone to call home if i do need to talk to family or friends.
i guess i need human warmth after all. i guess i want to feel a bit dependent on someone. it's not very comforting knowing that the persons that i could hug and kiss and feel very safe in their arms are an ocean away from me.
it's lonely to have to tuck myself in at night and not be able to do so for james.
it's lonely to have to say goodnight to myself and not be able to kiss my parents and mireille goodnight.
it's lonely to not have my twin here to talk to me and help sort my issues out.
it's lonely to not be able to go out at night in a car of my own and arrive safely at the doorstep.
it's lonely to not be able to enjoy gimmicks to familiar places back in manila.
it's lonely to not have household help i can talk to when i feel like chatting with someone.
it gets lonely having to count all my expenses every night and worry about spending too much the next day.
it gets lonely having to stare at a very unfamiliar ceiling.
it gets lonely not being able to creep into my parents' room to steal water or food from their ref.
it gets lonely to not be able to pet the cats and scare the dog right before they get sent into the kitchen to sleep.
it gets lonely to not have another house i can stare out late at night.
it gets lonely to not be able to eat home-cooked food.
i miss the philippines. i miss everything i've taken for granted.
i have another three months to go. i guess it's an upward climb from here. i hope i reach the top soon or i might just decide to let go.
it even feels great being able to do some things that have always been done for us.. for example, preparing breakfast, cleaning the room (or vacuuming), changing sheets, making the bed, planning dinner, planning trips, doing laundry, hanging clothes (and asking someone to iron for me!), arranging them and then planning what to wear the next day (sometimes it's cold, sometimes it's hot here), keeping the bathroom clean, replacing toiletries, calling for repairs (our aircondition's busted.. hassle!!), and making sure i go to mass on sundays. these are actually things i've taken for granted, things i didn't give much attention to before i left for beijing.
trust me. it's everything i've wanted to do. escape from home. do things on my own. live alone. work at my own time. spend on myself. go clubbing at night. sleep whenever i want. be independent. enjoy and relax for a couple of months. but then again i have to admit it gets very lonely for me at night sometimes. i don't know why. i mean, i have my american roommate who's just short of way cool (plays ultimate frisbee, boxes, loves pacquiao, and is very open minded about things), have my friends from ateneo --and they've been really great company. wouldn't wanna spend this jta sem without any one of them.-- and have my phone to call home if i do need to talk to family or friends.
i guess i need human warmth after all. i guess i want to feel a bit dependent on someone. it's not very comforting knowing that the persons that i could hug and kiss and feel very safe in their arms are an ocean away from me.
it's lonely to have to tuck myself in at night and not be able to do so for james.
it's lonely to have to say goodnight to myself and not be able to kiss my parents and mireille goodnight.
it's lonely to not have my twin here to talk to me and help sort my issues out.
it's lonely to not be able to go out at night in a car of my own and arrive safely at the doorstep.
it's lonely to not be able to enjoy gimmicks to familiar places back in manila.
it's lonely to not have household help i can talk to when i feel like chatting with someone.
it gets lonely having to count all my expenses every night and worry about spending too much the next day.
it gets lonely having to stare at a very unfamiliar ceiling.
it gets lonely not being able to creep into my parents' room to steal water or food from their ref.
it gets lonely to not be able to pet the cats and scare the dog right before they get sent into the kitchen to sleep.
it gets lonely to not have another house i can stare out late at night.
it gets lonely to not be able to eat home-cooked food.
i miss the philippines. i miss everything i've taken for granted.
i have another three months to go. i guess it's an upward climb from here. i hope i reach the top soon or i might just decide to let go.