(no subject)
“Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you’ll land among the stars.” Sure, poster, easy for you to say. You’re perfectly content with lounging there upon my classroom wall. But what about us? What about humanity? It’s a little harder for us to achieve glory. With self-help book abound and proclaiming the formula for instant success, where do we turn to become known? How do we even land among the stars? This humble poster’s answer rings truth; shoot for the moon. But how? We must look at the countless others who have shot for the moon. What do they have in common? Interesting pasts... And not just interesting, per se, but amazing and-above all-eccentric.
Steven Covey dazzled the world with his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People; but, effectiveness isn’t what real people want, is it? No. They want fame. So, I am here, your Virgilian guide along the path to fame, or at least notoriety and infamy, with the nine layers of eccentricity. These layers, increasing in eccentricity the farther down they go, serve as guidelines to plunge the very bowels of the most eccentric. Use these and surely you will go far.
The first circle: a tremendous, yet esoteric, vocabulary. The primary objective of eccentricity is to individuate from the mundane, quotidian society. An extensive command of one’s native language lends credence to the possibility of divine essence residing withing the overlord of such a paramount linguistic catalogue. However, diversity must transcend the auditory. To leave a lasting impression, it is imperative that one continues to the olfactory and visual, which leads us to the second circle: hygiene.
Famous eccentric, Einstein was notorious for his poor grooming habits. He was not a habitual bather, nor was his hair well acquainted with a comb or brush. But what, other than the theory of relativity and the atomic bomb, do we really remember about Einstein? His hair. Neglect you physical self and you will go far. Smell is the sense primarily connected with memory. Leave a permanent image and odor on your soon-to-be fans. Once physicalities are dealt with, an eccentric culture must be established.
Level three: music. In every culture around the world there is music. Naturally, as one of the uniting qualities of man, the true eccentric would have the quirkiest preference yet still maintain a seriousness over the matter. One word: opera. No true villain, an epitome of eccentricity, would function without opera. It is the stereotypical medium of artistic expression of the aloof, pseudointellectual, and eccentric alike. Because no one really immerses himself in opera, he or she will not grasp the concept to the degree that eccentric has so done. Sir Edward Appleton said, “I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don't understand.” A perfect quote to lead into level four: mastery of a foreign language.
An eccentric must be able to astound, baffle, confuse, and deter any naysayer. Hopefully, the powerful eccentric will have crossed the language barrier. A smart eccentric will take this a step further and will be fluent in a less known language; for example: instead of French, try verlan, French slang which inverts the words to have a backwards sound. Here is an Edith Sitwell quote, “Eccentricity is not...madness,” translated into verlan: “Tricitélexin pest nas la lifo.”
Once cultural and sensory eccentricities are established, we get to the deep stuff: manifestations of eccentricity in domestic life. And what good eccentric would leave out level five: the pet. Now, of course, any eccentric is smart enough to know that a dog or cat will simply not suffice. He must define himself with his pet. My suggestion: a jellyfish. Do you know anyone with a pet jellyfish? No. Is a pet jellyfish useful? Not particularly; you can’t pet it; it can’t fetch you slippers, nor can it greet you at the door after a long day at work or school. This lack of utility sets the jellyfish miles above any other potential vertebrate pet. For added eccentricity, I suggest a historical name; Vércéngétorix, perhaps.
After establishing a companion is the perfect time to begin self-exile. Total removal from society is too difficult for the characteristically lazy eccentric, so instead the sixth circle serves as a model of alienation: separation from the grid. Secede from the local utilities providers and set up your own power and plumbing systems. Photovoltaic, or solar energy, would be the way to go; it’s clean and easy. For water, collect rainwater. After all, the government has tainted the tap water by putting that pesky kind control serum in it, right? If so, you’re all ready for the seventh layer: develop a complex.
At the heart of all famous leaders resides a complex. I cite Napoleon. He was even lucky enough to have a complex named after him. Rudimentarily speaking, a complex is one of the bare necessities for the uber-eccentric because it creates an excuse for odd behavior.
“Why do you insist of checking the locks so frequently/?”
“They are determined to break in and steal my figurine collection.”
A well-developed complex is the pass to the two rites of passage to live in the ranks of the most appreciated and renowned eccentrics. The first mission and eighth circle: participation in an assassination attempt.
Famous assassin of President Garfield, Charles Guiteau, was eccentric, to say the least. He, with the help of his complex, manage to muster up the claim that his assassination was “a political necessity.” His actions acted a giant leaps and bounds for the advancement of the eccentric cause. He opened the doors and inspired countless more successful and unsuccessful attempts at assassinations of prominent world leaders. Unfortunately, while Mr. Guilteau did manage to assassinate a United States President, he did not manage to secure a longstanding place in history. The proven method of eternal greatness lies at the center of eccentricity. The ninth and final circle, the answer to all the inquiries, the key to timelessness: religion.
Once a religion is established, it will flourish forever. Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, and Buddhism (Yes, eccentrics have declared it a religion.) have all stood the test of time. The key for an eccentric to keep his or her fame is to parley that moment in the sun, afforded by the eighth level, into an eternity in the stars. If founding a religion is too difficult, a possible avenue would be nurturing some obscure underground religion to monumental stature. The eccentric must, of course, make himself or herself the central deity of this religion; all this training cannot go to waist, can it? The language, habits, intellect, and psyche that have been conditioned for all this time now come together to culminate in a god.
Shoot for the moon; go through these circles with the upmost vigor and zeal. Create a lifestyle that is uniquely your own. You will climb the ranks of humanity and, from a different angle, land among and rebehold the stars.