little update on birdie-chan and short drabble/one-shot
Well Howdy!
Before you ask, no I did not retreat to a remote farmers only location or get abducted by aliens. I've been having quite the tough time lately, my depression has been worsening bringing back my eating disorder and cutting. Yes, cutting. I've been trying to hold back and I am getting help but it still happens.
As for my eating disorder, it's getting on it's way to recovery.
So today, while I'm bathing, I'm going to write a bit of a depressing drabble/ one shot. Not sure how long it will be quite yet. Anyways, it will be touching on some of the thing I have been going through lately, I hope you all will enjoy.
Title: To Purge In Silence
Character(s): Kamenashi Kazuya, Tanaka Koki, Akanishi Jin
Rating: R
Genre: AU, depressing? (I'm new at writing ones like this please forgive me.)
Summary: Kame needed a way to deal with the pain, Koki gave him a way and Jin gave him an alternative. He used both.
Warning(s): Eating Disorders, Self-harm, Sex, Drugs, Alcohol, Depressing Themes.
A/N: so don't explode on me please, Kame was literally the first one that came to mind thinking up this character, I actually looked up a couple of AKB girls, others Johnny's and etc. but considering the harsh themes of this fic and my little knowledge of the other idols I decided not to venture into fandoms that I know not much about. Also, please don't be mislead by the characters and warning, this isn't a KoKame/Akame love triangle. The warning of sex was merely a precaution, I'm still unsure if elements such as those will be written. Douzo.
===
Walking through this hall has never made me more anxious than it does right now, new year same faces. I've gained weight over the summer, my uniform pants fitting snuggly, everyone can see. They're staring! I speed up, heading towards to bathroom. It's a nervous habit I developed at the end of last year, going to the bathroom and clawing at the doors until I can feel my nerves calm.
I quickly find a stall and slam the door shut, and collapse on the floor. Clawing at the sides around me, my nails not leaving any marks on the doors, I don't want them to.
"Hello?" I stop everything, not noticing the tears rolling down my cheeks until I look to the stall door, still shut. "I'm a student, I won't tell. Can we talk?" The voice sounds sincere, genuine, gentle. I slowly unlatch the door and pull it open a bit, just so the student can get in.
"My name is Tanaka Koki, you may not know me. I was in your class last year, I sat in the back." He says, sliding to sit next to me slowly. I realize he's different, his hair dyed and long. Shiny piercings in his ears, a tattoo peeking from his uniform blazer. I don't remember him from last year although I think I should.
"You're crying, can I help?" His gentle voice says, I don't register my nod until his comes up slowly trace the tears off my cheeks. "Your name?" He asks, that warm hand still grazing my face. Examining me, suddenly I want to flinch away and hide.
He sees it in my eyes maybe, because he removes his hand and looks at the wall behind me. "Your name?" He asks again, gentler now, as if I could break if he spoke any softer.
"Kamenashi Kazuya." I bow my head after the whispered introduction, I realize now maybe he's whispering so we don't get caught skipping class to be crammed in a stall.
"Kamenashi-san, that's nice." He smiles and whispers, still not looking directly at me but glancing at my face every now and then. Maybe to make sure I know he's listening? "Can I help you in any way?" He whispers, full on looking at me now. I can see a sparkle in his eyes, one that says he wants to help, not torment.
"M-maybe." I gulp and stutter the words, throwing them out in the tiny space between our bodies. The stall is small and is now making my legs go numb.
"Hm, can you tell me why you were clawing at the stall?" He asks, still soft and gentle. I explain to him my habit, the anxiety and the glares of classmates around me. He nods in gentle understanding to every word uttered. As if he actually gets what I'm talking about.
"Kamenashi-san, come home with me after school. I want to help you, but it can't be done in the school's bathroom. Here's my e-mail and mobile number. Meet me by the front gates after lunch and we'll skip the rest of the day and go to my place. Sound good?" He hands me a tiny card with the designated information written on it and looks at me with kitten eyes, a gentle spark in them nearly impossible to refuse. I nod despite the turning in my stomach.
===
Tanaka's house was a normal size for a japanese family, tiny everything. He shared a room with his older brother (whom he said had yet to move out and be in a relationship.) and his two younger brothers shared the other bedroom. His mother slept on a futon in the living room at night.
"Want anything to drink Kamenashi-san?" Tanaka asked, I looked over and shook my head. Maybe I'd ask for a water later but I still had the gatorade in my bag from practice. Albeit warm, it was still better than imposing too much. He nodded in understanding and turned back to the open fridge, then with a skeptic look he turned to look at me and asked "Anything to eat?"
I milled over it in my head, I had a small lunch. Too nervous with the glances to eat much, then rushing out to meet Tanaka at the gate. So I wasn't very hungry. "No, thanks though." I said.
A very cryptic smile rose on the boy's face as he slammed the fridge door shut. "Good, you're halfway there." With those words he walked past me and up the stairs, apparently expecting me to follow him.
My head screamed at me not to, but as I do so many times a day, I ignored it in favor of following Tanaka up the stairs.
===
Tanaka's side of the bedroom was a bit dark, not only in light but in tone. Pictures of skinny men with ribs exposed and hipbones protruding hung in the darker corners of his wall, covered by pillows before he moved the cushions. Sitting near the images and staring at them longingly, he gestured me over.
"See this?" He asked, looking towards the collage of skinny boys. I grunted a yes. "I want to look like this," he sighed in distress. "I want to be this thin and handsome."
"What?" I muttered, looking at him. Seeing him now, he was thin. Very thin. "You are thin, Tanaka-san." I said, looking at his face. He smiled sadly before turning to me.
"You're kind Kamenashi-kun, but I am not." He began to take off his uniform shirt, immediately I noticed the outlines of his bones. The ribs, his sternum, his hipbones. They were all there, in clear sight. I gasped at the pale torso of him in front of me, even in the dark lighting of the room his skin seemed to reflect any sort of light there was hidden.
"Tanaka-san." I whispered, I wanted to reach out and touch him. To feel how frail he was, to make sure he was actually in front of me. Seemingly reading the thoughts, he reached out to grasp my wrist lightly and bring it towards him. My fingers came in contact with the cold, shivering skin on his sunken-in belly.
His hand still lay limp on my wrist, lightly gripping it but not leading it anywhere. No, my hand was doing it's own exploring on his body. It felt the flatness of his tummy, the hardness of the bones so clearly visible lying right under the skin. It felt everything physical there was to feel, there wasn't much admittedly. I ventured my other hand to join, I looked to him for approval. His eyes, it was the first time I saw how truly sunken in and tired they looked. He had a thin face as well.
"Go ahead." He urged, his quiet whisper like thunder in the silent room. My other hand reached up to be parallel to the other, both began a journey upwards to feel his sternum. The bones were hard and cold under my fat fingers, it was in that moment I realized how fat I was next to him.
It disgusted me.
Then I understood, his words in the stall. He wanted to help me, he wanted to help me be thin. Be skinny, not get the disapproving looks. He wanted to make me like him.
And strangely, I wanted him too. I wanted to look like this fragile boy in front of me, the one who had been so gentle with me. I wanted to be like him and look like the men on his wall. I wanted it all.
In the midst of my thoughts I had forgotten my hands on his body until he moaned slightly, a pleasured sigh really, that escaped his lips. They were plump, unlike the rest of him. I kept examining everything on the boy, but my eyes were now drawn to his lips.
He looked past his half-lidded eyes, into mine. I saw it there, the pain and torment he felt. The lust for perfection. It was everything I was feeling embodied in his eyes.
I didn't flinch when his lips landed on mine, they were shy like his eyes. Soft and gentle like his voice. Scared like everything else he was. I closed my eyes and moaned, kissing him back. Putting a bit more pressure, sweet tension, between them. All my pain melting into his, mixing into a torturous cocktail of silent tears in bathroom stalls. Clawing at doors in silence to escape the pain and eyes. They were all mixing between he and I.
He detached from me, panting silently, his face still deliciously and addictingly close to mine. I didn't want him gone, he felt like I did, the same things. I wanted him close, I wanted to cling to him with all the life I had left in me. He opened his eyes and looked into mine, seeing my need to be near this boy.
"I'll help you, I know the tricks. I'll teach you, you won't do this alone." He whispered, his forehead resting on mine lightly. His light breath blowing a soft breeze over my skin that was so hot compared to his.
"You won't either anymore, teach me. Teach me how to escape."
===
Koki and I began to hang out every day, my time at home crying in my room becoming less and less. Our time together consisted of him teaching me the tricks, the little hacks that would get me through the hunger.
We always had hot mugs of tea in our hands, browsing through the different tumblr blogs we had begun to memorialize. We learned the lemon water trick, always having a bottle of cold water nearby.
Day by day, my meals had become smaller and further apart. Until they had ceased altogether, the weight falling off but not fast enough. I took support in Koki, melting into his cold, frail body. Kissing his plump lips that never deflated, the comfort in them. I sought it, craved it.
Walking down the clear hallway to the bathroom, I knew he would be there. Purging the small lunch he had, his mother had made it for his birthday. He ate it not wanting it to go to waste, he sent me a mail. He was going to teach me a new trick.
"Koki?" My voice ventured, shaking in the silence. I heard a flush, last stall. Going to it and pushing open the door careful not to hit him, I saw him crumpled over the toilet. He was still heaving, his stomach doing violent spasms, with nothing left to come out. I crouched next to him and handed him my water bottle.
"Thanks." He muttered weakly, his voice testing out it's own strength. After swishing it around a bit in his mouth he spit it back into the toilet and flushed again before collapsing into me. I rubbed my hand through his soft hair, leaning down to place a kiss on it.
"Purging helps to get rid of the food, if hunger ever gets too much eat a little and you can purge. The calories won't even register." His weak voice blew warm breaths into my chest. I nodded yes, bringing his face to mine I kissed him deep and hard. My tongue delving into his mouth, trying to find strength to give him.
===
I followed Koki through the crowd, black lights igniting neon everywhere around the sweaty dancing people. Koki's cold hand grasping my small wrist with his gentle strength. I slid my wrist through the grasp and looped our fingers together, neither of us thinking anything of it.
That's the way our relationship worked.
We took a seat at the bar, Koki talking to a young busser in hushed, demanding tones. The busser scurried away, coming back with a guy who looked right out of high school. Handsome delicate features softening his face.
"Koki! I missed you, the usual?" The guy, seemingly a bartender, asked. Koki smiled his bright smile and nodded, watching the man walk away to prepare a drink.
"That's Jin, we'll spend the night at his place tonight." Koki whispered close to my ear, his light breath blowing gentle puffs on my neck. I nodded and looked around, noticing the thin, happy people around. It saddened me. I wanted to be like them, skinny, happy.
===
Walking into Jin's apartment, I immediately sensed the sadness and tension in the air of the place. Although decorated with light and steely colors, the place felt sad. The complete opposite of what it let off.
On the way back to Jin's apartment, I had found out Jin was roughly 25. Single, had known Koki for a while. Not much else, Koki had started drunkenly babbling about how much calories he had drank.
I had counted, at least 1,036. He was wasted and loaded with alcohol calories.
After dumping a passed out Koki on the couch, Jin led me back to his bedroom. The steely and sleek design ceased to exist in the large room. Instead everything was clad in sharp black, black silk comforter and cold black wall sconces on either side of the large sleeping space.
"You know pain of course?" His voice appeared next to me, towering over me with his height and age.
"Yes," I answered curtly. "Do you?" I asked, stealing a glance over my shoulder to stare at the handsome man. I saw him smirk with those round lips before he walked before and stopped next to the bed.
"I do," He answered pridefully. "Shall I show you how I deal with it?" He rubbed lazy circles on the luminescent blanket under his long fingers. As if he was thinking of my answer before I did.
"You don't deal like Koki and I?" I asked dumbly, no of course he hadn't. He obviously knew what Koki did, he wasn't shocked upon seeing Koki's exposed bones on the way up here. People who didn't know usually were.
"No, my dear boy I do not. I have my own methods of letting the pain out. Do you want to see?" He asked again, if I was to be completely honest with myself I would have kept asking dumb questions all night just to hear his sweet voice. It had a certain strength behind it, not timid, unlike Koki's. Koki who always spoke with gentle, hushed tones, as if speaking above a light whisper would shatter an eardrum. Koki who had so effortlessly found me and helped me see what I needed to change and how to change it. Koki who had taught me the tricks. Koki who was passed out drunk on the couch a long hallway away.
"Show me."
===
The blood shone red in the small candlelight, flooding from my stomach like the pain pouring from me. All of it, the lonely nights spent crying on the bathroom floor heaving up food I was too weal to resist, the whispers behind my back telling me I'm not good enough, the who had ceased to care, all of it flowed out of me through the slice I had put there.
Jin sat across me, slicing his own pain gates on his stomach. His thighs were all covered in scars, some white and fleshy, others red and shallow. As if they had just closed. "Too dangerous to open old ones now, too white yet." He had said. "The stomach is safer grounds, new territory. Once you occupy land you move on and occupy more, right Kazuya?"
"Right." I had agreed. My land was being taken up now, the shiny blade warm in his grasp. The blood dripping off it and onto the jeans not far enough down to escape the river. It was invigorating, slicing your own skin and watching the pain come oozing out like candle wax.
"You know, Kazuya." Jin started, his voice quiet and shaky but still with an undertone of power and strength. "Cutting always did make me horny, the blood and pain. It's all so... seductive." Now the shakiness had reduced itself to huskiness, a sex appeal in that beautiful melodic tone of his.
"It is quite a fantastic feeling," I whispered to him, conditioned by Koki to not speak any higher volumes. "what do you usually do to relieve yourself, Jin?" I asked, risking a glance in his direction. His eyes were now boring into every pore of mine, deep and molten as dark chocolate melted.
"I find myself a little kitten to play with." He smirked before leaning over the flame of the candle and kissing me roughly, I tasted cigarette smoke and harsh bourbon on his lips. Along with sweat, delicious salty sweat.
He plucked the blade from my fingertips before detaching his sweet and sinful lips from mine. "May I?" He whispered, the huskiness not dissipating with volume. I nodded slightly and gasped as I felt the cold cut into my skin, dangerously near my cock. A sharp moan was let out from Jin upon seeing the blood dripping off my thigh.
"You're so hot." He moaned before going down to lick the blood off. His tongue was arousing and his voice was sweet, I should have been hard and panting by now. But I wasn't, instead I had a knot in my stomach and an throbbing headache.
I gently pushed the older man from my thigh and recovered my blade. "I should wake Koki, he can't digest that many calories." I explained before walking into the living room.
"Koki," I tapped his frail arm gently, careful to not kneel my now blood soaked jeans to close to Jin's pristine white sofa. "Get up, you've had over a thousand calories tonight." I said into his ear, he turned on the couch to look at my thigh.
"He taught you eh?" He mumbled sleepily, reaching a finger out to touch feather-light over my cuts.
"He did." I said, rubbing his hair affectionately. Despite the make-outs, Koki was like a pet to me. A beloved treasured pet that supported you through the horrible things you did to yourself.
Because like a pet, Koki didn't know any better.
===
A/N: I guess I'll end it there, it's late and no matter how much I tell myself I'll finish it properly tomorrow I know I won't find the motivation. Maybe if I get motivation back I will post a follow-up/part 2 but for now this is my one-shot. To Purge In Silence is actually my URL of my self-harm/ED/depression blog. I made it so I could post things I could relate to without worrying my followers. so if you want to check that out it's here. and my personal/fandom blog is here. I hope you guys enjoyed, or tolerated this uber depressing one-shot. Hopefully I'll get back into writing my multichaps soon, I'd hate to leave y'all hanging like that.
Before you ask, no I did not retreat to a remote farmers only location or get abducted by aliens. I've been having quite the tough time lately, my depression has been worsening bringing back my eating disorder and cutting. Yes, cutting. I've been trying to hold back and I am getting help but it still happens.
As for my eating disorder, it's getting on it's way to recovery.
So today, while I'm bathing, I'm going to write a bit of a depressing drabble/ one shot. Not sure how long it will be quite yet. Anyways, it will be touching on some of the thing I have been going through lately, I hope you all will enjoy.
Title: To Purge In Silence
Character(s): Kamenashi Kazuya, Tanaka Koki, Akanishi Jin
Rating: R
Genre: AU, depressing? (I'm new at writing ones like this please forgive me.)
Summary: Kame needed a way to deal with the pain, Koki gave him a way and Jin gave him an alternative. He used both.
Warning(s): Eating Disorders, Self-harm, Sex, Drugs, Alcohol, Depressing Themes.
A/N: so don't explode on me please, Kame was literally the first one that came to mind thinking up this character, I actually looked up a couple of AKB girls, others Johnny's and etc. but considering the harsh themes of this fic and my little knowledge of the other idols I decided not to venture into fandoms that I know not much about. Also, please don't be mislead by the characters and warning, this isn't a KoKame/Akame love triangle. The warning of sex was merely a precaution, I'm still unsure if elements such as those will be written. Douzo.
===
Walking through this hall has never made me more anxious than it does right now, new year same faces. I've gained weight over the summer, my uniform pants fitting snuggly, everyone can see. They're staring! I speed up, heading towards to bathroom. It's a nervous habit I developed at the end of last year, going to the bathroom and clawing at the doors until I can feel my nerves calm.
I quickly find a stall and slam the door shut, and collapse on the floor. Clawing at the sides around me, my nails not leaving any marks on the doors, I don't want them to.
"Hello?" I stop everything, not noticing the tears rolling down my cheeks until I look to the stall door, still shut. "I'm a student, I won't tell. Can we talk?" The voice sounds sincere, genuine, gentle. I slowly unlatch the door and pull it open a bit, just so the student can get in.
"My name is Tanaka Koki, you may not know me. I was in your class last year, I sat in the back." He says, sliding to sit next to me slowly. I realize he's different, his hair dyed and long. Shiny piercings in his ears, a tattoo peeking from his uniform blazer. I don't remember him from last year although I think I should.
"You're crying, can I help?" His gentle voice says, I don't register my nod until his comes up slowly trace the tears off my cheeks. "Your name?" He asks, that warm hand still grazing my face. Examining me, suddenly I want to flinch away and hide.
He sees it in my eyes maybe, because he removes his hand and looks at the wall behind me. "Your name?" He asks again, gentler now, as if I could break if he spoke any softer.
"Kamenashi Kazuya." I bow my head after the whispered introduction, I realize now maybe he's whispering so we don't get caught skipping class to be crammed in a stall.
"Kamenashi-san, that's nice." He smiles and whispers, still not looking directly at me but glancing at my face every now and then. Maybe to make sure I know he's listening? "Can I help you in any way?" He whispers, full on looking at me now. I can see a sparkle in his eyes, one that says he wants to help, not torment.
"M-maybe." I gulp and stutter the words, throwing them out in the tiny space between our bodies. The stall is small and is now making my legs go numb.
"Hm, can you tell me why you were clawing at the stall?" He asks, still soft and gentle. I explain to him my habit, the anxiety and the glares of classmates around me. He nods in gentle understanding to every word uttered. As if he actually gets what I'm talking about.
"Kamenashi-san, come home with me after school. I want to help you, but it can't be done in the school's bathroom. Here's my e-mail and mobile number. Meet me by the front gates after lunch and we'll skip the rest of the day and go to my place. Sound good?" He hands me a tiny card with the designated information written on it and looks at me with kitten eyes, a gentle spark in them nearly impossible to refuse. I nod despite the turning in my stomach.
===
Tanaka's house was a normal size for a japanese family, tiny everything. He shared a room with his older brother (whom he said had yet to move out and be in a relationship.) and his two younger brothers shared the other bedroom. His mother slept on a futon in the living room at night.
"Want anything to drink Kamenashi-san?" Tanaka asked, I looked over and shook my head. Maybe I'd ask for a water later but I still had the gatorade in my bag from practice. Albeit warm, it was still better than imposing too much. He nodded in understanding and turned back to the open fridge, then with a skeptic look he turned to look at me and asked "Anything to eat?"
I milled over it in my head, I had a small lunch. Too nervous with the glances to eat much, then rushing out to meet Tanaka at the gate. So I wasn't very hungry. "No, thanks though." I said.
A very cryptic smile rose on the boy's face as he slammed the fridge door shut. "Good, you're halfway there." With those words he walked past me and up the stairs, apparently expecting me to follow him.
My head screamed at me not to, but as I do so many times a day, I ignored it in favor of following Tanaka up the stairs.
===
Tanaka's side of the bedroom was a bit dark, not only in light but in tone. Pictures of skinny men with ribs exposed and hipbones protruding hung in the darker corners of his wall, covered by pillows before he moved the cushions. Sitting near the images and staring at them longingly, he gestured me over.
"See this?" He asked, looking towards the collage of skinny boys. I grunted a yes. "I want to look like this," he sighed in distress. "I want to be this thin and handsome."
"What?" I muttered, looking at him. Seeing him now, he was thin. Very thin. "You are thin, Tanaka-san." I said, looking at his face. He smiled sadly before turning to me.
"You're kind Kamenashi-kun, but I am not." He began to take off his uniform shirt, immediately I noticed the outlines of his bones. The ribs, his sternum, his hipbones. They were all there, in clear sight. I gasped at the pale torso of him in front of me, even in the dark lighting of the room his skin seemed to reflect any sort of light there was hidden.
"Tanaka-san." I whispered, I wanted to reach out and touch him. To feel how frail he was, to make sure he was actually in front of me. Seemingly reading the thoughts, he reached out to grasp my wrist lightly and bring it towards him. My fingers came in contact with the cold, shivering skin on his sunken-in belly.
His hand still lay limp on my wrist, lightly gripping it but not leading it anywhere. No, my hand was doing it's own exploring on his body. It felt the flatness of his tummy, the hardness of the bones so clearly visible lying right under the skin. It felt everything physical there was to feel, there wasn't much admittedly. I ventured my other hand to join, I looked to him for approval. His eyes, it was the first time I saw how truly sunken in and tired they looked. He had a thin face as well.
"Go ahead." He urged, his quiet whisper like thunder in the silent room. My other hand reached up to be parallel to the other, both began a journey upwards to feel his sternum. The bones were hard and cold under my fat fingers, it was in that moment I realized how fat I was next to him.
It disgusted me.
Then I understood, his words in the stall. He wanted to help me, he wanted to help me be thin. Be skinny, not get the disapproving looks. He wanted to make me like him.
And strangely, I wanted him too. I wanted to look like this fragile boy in front of me, the one who had been so gentle with me. I wanted to be like him and look like the men on his wall. I wanted it all.
In the midst of my thoughts I had forgotten my hands on his body until he moaned slightly, a pleasured sigh really, that escaped his lips. They were plump, unlike the rest of him. I kept examining everything on the boy, but my eyes were now drawn to his lips.
He looked past his half-lidded eyes, into mine. I saw it there, the pain and torment he felt. The lust for perfection. It was everything I was feeling embodied in his eyes.
I didn't flinch when his lips landed on mine, they were shy like his eyes. Soft and gentle like his voice. Scared like everything else he was. I closed my eyes and moaned, kissing him back. Putting a bit more pressure, sweet tension, between them. All my pain melting into his, mixing into a torturous cocktail of silent tears in bathroom stalls. Clawing at doors in silence to escape the pain and eyes. They were all mixing between he and I.
He detached from me, panting silently, his face still deliciously and addictingly close to mine. I didn't want him gone, he felt like I did, the same things. I wanted him close, I wanted to cling to him with all the life I had left in me. He opened his eyes and looked into mine, seeing my need to be near this boy.
"I'll help you, I know the tricks. I'll teach you, you won't do this alone." He whispered, his forehead resting on mine lightly. His light breath blowing a soft breeze over my skin that was so hot compared to his.
"You won't either anymore, teach me. Teach me how to escape."
===
Koki and I began to hang out every day, my time at home crying in my room becoming less and less. Our time together consisted of him teaching me the tricks, the little hacks that would get me through the hunger.
We always had hot mugs of tea in our hands, browsing through the different tumblr blogs we had begun to memorialize. We learned the lemon water trick, always having a bottle of cold water nearby.
Day by day, my meals had become smaller and further apart. Until they had ceased altogether, the weight falling off but not fast enough. I took support in Koki, melting into his cold, frail body. Kissing his plump lips that never deflated, the comfort in them. I sought it, craved it.
Walking down the clear hallway to the bathroom, I knew he would be there. Purging the small lunch he had, his mother had made it for his birthday. He ate it not wanting it to go to waste, he sent me a mail. He was going to teach me a new trick.
"Koki?" My voice ventured, shaking in the silence. I heard a flush, last stall. Going to it and pushing open the door careful not to hit him, I saw him crumpled over the toilet. He was still heaving, his stomach doing violent spasms, with nothing left to come out. I crouched next to him and handed him my water bottle.
"Thanks." He muttered weakly, his voice testing out it's own strength. After swishing it around a bit in his mouth he spit it back into the toilet and flushed again before collapsing into me. I rubbed my hand through his soft hair, leaning down to place a kiss on it.
"Purging helps to get rid of the food, if hunger ever gets too much eat a little and you can purge. The calories won't even register." His weak voice blew warm breaths into my chest. I nodded yes, bringing his face to mine I kissed him deep and hard. My tongue delving into his mouth, trying to find strength to give him.
===
I followed Koki through the crowd, black lights igniting neon everywhere around the sweaty dancing people. Koki's cold hand grasping my small wrist with his gentle strength. I slid my wrist through the grasp and looped our fingers together, neither of us thinking anything of it.
That's the way our relationship worked.
We took a seat at the bar, Koki talking to a young busser in hushed, demanding tones. The busser scurried away, coming back with a guy who looked right out of high school. Handsome delicate features softening his face.
"Koki! I missed you, the usual?" The guy, seemingly a bartender, asked. Koki smiled his bright smile and nodded, watching the man walk away to prepare a drink.
"That's Jin, we'll spend the night at his place tonight." Koki whispered close to my ear, his light breath blowing gentle puffs on my neck. I nodded and looked around, noticing the thin, happy people around. It saddened me. I wanted to be like them, skinny, happy.
===
Walking into Jin's apartment, I immediately sensed the sadness and tension in the air of the place. Although decorated with light and steely colors, the place felt sad. The complete opposite of what it let off.
On the way back to Jin's apartment, I had found out Jin was roughly 25. Single, had known Koki for a while. Not much else, Koki had started drunkenly babbling about how much calories he had drank.
I had counted, at least 1,036. He was wasted and loaded with alcohol calories.
After dumping a passed out Koki on the couch, Jin led me back to his bedroom. The steely and sleek design ceased to exist in the large room. Instead everything was clad in sharp black, black silk comforter and cold black wall sconces on either side of the large sleeping space.
"You know pain of course?" His voice appeared next to me, towering over me with his height and age.
"Yes," I answered curtly. "Do you?" I asked, stealing a glance over my shoulder to stare at the handsome man. I saw him smirk with those round lips before he walked before and stopped next to the bed.
"I do," He answered pridefully. "Shall I show you how I deal with it?" He rubbed lazy circles on the luminescent blanket under his long fingers. As if he was thinking of my answer before I did.
"You don't deal like Koki and I?" I asked dumbly, no of course he hadn't. He obviously knew what Koki did, he wasn't shocked upon seeing Koki's exposed bones on the way up here. People who didn't know usually were.
"No, my dear boy I do not. I have my own methods of letting the pain out. Do you want to see?" He asked again, if I was to be completely honest with myself I would have kept asking dumb questions all night just to hear his sweet voice. It had a certain strength behind it, not timid, unlike Koki's. Koki who always spoke with gentle, hushed tones, as if speaking above a light whisper would shatter an eardrum. Koki who had so effortlessly found me and helped me see what I needed to change and how to change it. Koki who had taught me the tricks. Koki who was passed out drunk on the couch a long hallway away.
"Show me."
===
The blood shone red in the small candlelight, flooding from my stomach like the pain pouring from me. All of it, the lonely nights spent crying on the bathroom floor heaving up food I was too weal to resist, the whispers behind my back telling me I'm not good enough, the who had ceased to care, all of it flowed out of me through the slice I had put there.
Jin sat across me, slicing his own pain gates on his stomach. His thighs were all covered in scars, some white and fleshy, others red and shallow. As if they had just closed. "Too dangerous to open old ones now, too white yet." He had said. "The stomach is safer grounds, new territory. Once you occupy land you move on and occupy more, right Kazuya?"
"Right." I had agreed. My land was being taken up now, the shiny blade warm in his grasp. The blood dripping off it and onto the jeans not far enough down to escape the river. It was invigorating, slicing your own skin and watching the pain come oozing out like candle wax.
"You know, Kazuya." Jin started, his voice quiet and shaky but still with an undertone of power and strength. "Cutting always did make me horny, the blood and pain. It's all so... seductive." Now the shakiness had reduced itself to huskiness, a sex appeal in that beautiful melodic tone of his.
"It is quite a fantastic feeling," I whispered to him, conditioned by Koki to not speak any higher volumes. "what do you usually do to relieve yourself, Jin?" I asked, risking a glance in his direction. His eyes were now boring into every pore of mine, deep and molten as dark chocolate melted.
"I find myself a little kitten to play with." He smirked before leaning over the flame of the candle and kissing me roughly, I tasted cigarette smoke and harsh bourbon on his lips. Along with sweat, delicious salty sweat.
He plucked the blade from my fingertips before detaching his sweet and sinful lips from mine. "May I?" He whispered, the huskiness not dissipating with volume. I nodded slightly and gasped as I felt the cold cut into my skin, dangerously near my cock. A sharp moan was let out from Jin upon seeing the blood dripping off my thigh.
"You're so hot." He moaned before going down to lick the blood off. His tongue was arousing and his voice was sweet, I should have been hard and panting by now. But I wasn't, instead I had a knot in my stomach and an throbbing headache.
I gently pushed the older man from my thigh and recovered my blade. "I should wake Koki, he can't digest that many calories." I explained before walking into the living room.
"Koki," I tapped his frail arm gently, careful to not kneel my now blood soaked jeans to close to Jin's pristine white sofa. "Get up, you've had over a thousand calories tonight." I said into his ear, he turned on the couch to look at my thigh.
"He taught you eh?" He mumbled sleepily, reaching a finger out to touch feather-light over my cuts.
"He did." I said, rubbing his hair affectionately. Despite the make-outs, Koki was like a pet to me. A beloved treasured pet that supported you through the horrible things you did to yourself.
Because like a pet, Koki didn't know any better.
===
A/N: I guess I'll end it there, it's late and no matter how much I tell myself I'll finish it properly tomorrow I know I won't find the motivation. Maybe if I get motivation back I will post a follow-up/part 2 but for now this is my one-shot. To Purge In Silence is actually my URL of my self-harm/ED/depression blog. I made it so I could post things I could relate to without worrying my followers. so if you want to check that out it's here. and my personal/fandom blog is here. I hope you guys enjoyed, or tolerated this uber depressing one-shot. Hopefully I'll get back into writing my multichaps soon, I'd hate to leave y'all hanging like that.