(no subject)
I... want to vent, but I'm so sleepy I don't know if I can use my words right.
So, I've been shown the world of LJ-rp. It's been fun and challenging to push my characters, develop them and see them meet characters from other worlds. Meeting new people is amazing too. I've had so much fun...
But in the same breath, it's been so much stress and I've cried over stupid shit, I can't begin to describe.
I have a problem with dealing with stress. I think it started from when my mom and dad got divorced, I had to take care of my little brother and my grades dropped. I felt I was dissapointing my mom and lost a bit of my little kid identity since I lived for that praise. I lashed out at him violently and was sent to counseling at a really young age. I said some stuff about my mom dating a bunch of guys and she told me "Don't tell them stuff like that, you want them to take you away?" And I dunno, I just stopped showing it. When I'd get stressed, I'd just think of something else. Fictional characters and fictional worlds is a limitless playground for me to hide to and has been the go to coping mechnisim since then.
I know it's a problem, I just don't know how to begin to deal with it an I'm scared of what my life might be like if it were any different.
Now, right now's a stressful time for me. My degree's almost over, but I don't feel as though it's prepared me for any sort of job, there's going ot be debt, I need to figure out if I'm going to stay and wait for Abe to finish his degree in WV, if we're going to transfer, or if I even want to pursue this dream of doing I have no idea what with film. I have assignments due, assingments over due and a stage production I still need to finalize lighting and props for. My room's a mess, the laundry needs to be done, I need a shower and some sleep, I don't have a working telephone, they only feed us lksdfjlsdkjf twice on the weekends for an hour each and the food sucks and I have a wedding to fund and plan in a different state.
I want, need that escape! My lovely Dia, always willing to play with me in im. It means so much. And where fanfiction had once been part of that same break from just everything, there's now LJ RP. Which means you not only have to wait on people from different parts of the globe, but you have to please them and countless unseen watchers. I don't mind that.
What I really want and need is just someone to play with me. My Maka is busy. She's a very busy, balanced person with real academic goals and social life (unlike me, really). The time distance adds to it. And I know she has other games and wants to do other things. I get that, I love her to death. I don't want her to feel bad. But just one tag, one hour of playing in im would just make my day. It would make me smile, it's all I really want. Our characters haven't interacted with each other in so long. I'm trying to be understanding, I get that Maka's busy, she's got plots with other characters, there's tags from months ago and stuff like that. Other games and just.. and I'm glad that she feels as though she can tag me last in order of other people becuase I do understand she's busy and I am always up for back tags. But just one. Just one good thread, just an hour for me would mean the world right now. I have no idea what I'm doing IRL. To get online and see something from her would make me so happy. To tag it and get a responce that same day would thrill me.
And Tamaki. I love Tamaki, I love playing him and when I heard I'd get a Kyouya, oh I was so happy. But it's been a week and his mun hasn't tagged anyone in his intro post, but has been talking about this other character and has been active with her others and I just.. am I not doing it right?
Writing and playing like this is my crutch, the gift I give to myself after dealing with the trouble of the day. I shouldn't feel this bad about it. This stressed or just aweful. I feel clingy and lame and just stupid. I want to go back to writing and playing with one or two people exclusivly. I know Abe's getting tired of seeing me like this. 'Just drop already. You shouldn't worry so much, it's just a game.'
But people's feelings and characters are involved. And when it comes down to it, I really love playing with people.
Maybe I really should get help on being a more stable person. But I'm scared of changing my self image and identity again. At the communications summit where the comm degree shows off its best kids, I realized how much I hate the degree and my classes and school. And seeing this, I don't even know how to feel about what I used to turn to to relax and have fun. I don't even know if I'm good at it. It's not just Kyouya and Maka, it's other important characters to my characters who seem to have time for memes and every other thread in the posts but mine.
God, I sound pathetic. I can't handle this. What am I even doing?
I need to go to bed.
So, I've been shown the world of LJ-rp. It's been fun and challenging to push my characters, develop them and see them meet characters from other worlds. Meeting new people is amazing too. I've had so much fun...
But in the same breath, it's been so much stress and I've cried over stupid shit, I can't begin to describe.
I have a problem with dealing with stress. I think it started from when my mom and dad got divorced, I had to take care of my little brother and my grades dropped. I felt I was dissapointing my mom and lost a bit of my little kid identity since I lived for that praise. I lashed out at him violently and was sent to counseling at a really young age. I said some stuff about my mom dating a bunch of guys and she told me "Don't tell them stuff like that, you want them to take you away?" And I dunno, I just stopped showing it. When I'd get stressed, I'd just think of something else. Fictional characters and fictional worlds is a limitless playground for me to hide to and has been the go to coping mechnisim since then.
I know it's a problem, I just don't know how to begin to deal with it an I'm scared of what my life might be like if it were any different.
Now, right now's a stressful time for me. My degree's almost over, but I don't feel as though it's prepared me for any sort of job, there's going ot be debt, I need to figure out if I'm going to stay and wait for Abe to finish his degree in WV, if we're going to transfer, or if I even want to pursue this dream of doing I have no idea what with film. I have assignments due, assingments over due and a stage production I still need to finalize lighting and props for. My room's a mess, the laundry needs to be done, I need a shower and some sleep, I don't have a working telephone, they only feed us lksdfjlsdkjf twice on the weekends for an hour each and the food sucks and I have a wedding to fund and plan in a different state.
I want, need that escape! My lovely Dia, always willing to play with me in im. It means so much. And where fanfiction had once been part of that same break from just everything, there's now LJ RP. Which means you not only have to wait on people from different parts of the globe, but you have to please them and countless unseen watchers. I don't mind that.
What I really want and need is just someone to play with me. My Maka is busy. She's a very busy, balanced person with real academic goals and social life (unlike me, really). The time distance adds to it. And I know she has other games and wants to do other things. I get that, I love her to death. I don't want her to feel bad. But just one tag, one hour of playing in im would just make my day. It would make me smile, it's all I really want. Our characters haven't interacted with each other in so long. I'm trying to be understanding, I get that Maka's busy, she's got plots with other characters, there's tags from months ago and stuff like that. Other games and just.. and I'm glad that she feels as though she can tag me last in order of other people becuase I do understand she's busy and I am always up for back tags. But just one. Just one good thread, just an hour for me would mean the world right now. I have no idea what I'm doing IRL. To get online and see something from her would make me so happy. To tag it and get a responce that same day would thrill me.
And Tamaki. I love Tamaki, I love playing him and when I heard I'd get a Kyouya, oh I was so happy. But it's been a week and his mun hasn't tagged anyone in his intro post, but has been talking about this other character and has been active with her others and I just.. am I not doing it right?
Writing and playing like this is my crutch, the gift I give to myself after dealing with the trouble of the day. I shouldn't feel this bad about it. This stressed or just aweful. I feel clingy and lame and just stupid. I want to go back to writing and playing with one or two people exclusivly. I know Abe's getting tired of seeing me like this. 'Just drop already. You shouldn't worry so much, it's just a game.'
But people's feelings and characters are involved. And when it comes down to it, I really love playing with people.
Maybe I really should get help on being a more stable person. But I'm scared of changing my self image and identity again. At the communications summit where the comm degree shows off its best kids, I realized how much I hate the degree and my classes and school. And seeing this, I don't even know how to feel about what I used to turn to to relax and have fun. I don't even know if I'm good at it. It's not just Kyouya and Maka, it's other important characters to my characters who seem to have time for memes and every other thread in the posts but mine.
God, I sound pathetic. I can't handle this. What am I even doing?
I need to go to bed.