Bitchfest
I mentioned to my spouse that I wanted to start keeping track of what exercise I did and what I've been eating each day. My thoughts are that if I track my food intake, then if I speak to a nutritionist, I have a list of what food I've eaten.
I'm not going to depress myself further by listing measured quantities or frequently mentioning my weight. A few weeks ago, I stepped on the scales and discovered I was 65kg/147lbs/10.5 stone. I'm a short person of 163cm/5'3" (if I stand up straight and not slouch) so I was horrified and disgusted with myself for bloating up into obesity. I was never an over-eater, now I am... The birth control implant in my arm is partly responsible but I have been steadily gaining weight before the implant, the implant was the final straw.
My goals for 2011...
- Lose the 30lbs of blubber I'm waddling around in and achieve and maintain a weight of 110-115lbs by December 2011. It's an ideal weight for me at my height. I'm neither too skinny nor too fat at that weight.
- Tone up my muscles, I am aware that muscles weigh more than fat, however, I'll gladly weigh a bit more if it means I can shed the excessive insulation. I want to reverse the pear-shape I've acquired and move *back* to the rectangle shape I'd once been. It's easier to crossdress and be androgynous when you don't 'look like a fat dyke in men's clothes'. I want shoulder muscles, I want these 34DD monstrosities to get smaller.
- Gym, three times a week. Going outside the house for walks or visiting parks/nature centres at least twice a week, if not three times a week.
- Find a tai chi course and a yoga course to attend to get back the calm that tai chi offers me. The yoga for the flexibility I once had.
- Decrease my sugar intake from sweets, candy, puddings, cakes and other junk food.
- Eat more fresh fruit and steamed veg.
- Eat less beef and pork and increase the fish and turkey.
- Less ready meals.
I still 'reward' myself if I get to the gym 3 days a week with half a sponge pudding. I am making deals with myself, if I mostly do the 'hard stuff' then I give myself a small treat.
I'm also currently fighting a craptastically deep depression, so I need to keep my mind and senses open to things that can lighten my mood. Spotting birds or seeing a flower or just being able to sit near a window in the sunlight all help. From my friends and family, I need to hear 'good Kshni' when I say I went to the gym and didn't gorge on rubbish.
And do you know what made me step on the scales in the first place? My goth clothes stopped fitting, I'm too fat to wear all the pretty clothes I got in 2010. I want to once more fit in those clothes by mid-Summer 2011. I want to be a UK size 10 trouser and a UK size 8 top by December 2011.
I CAN DO THIS.
Oh yes, and cycle of nasty:
- The implant side-effects are: gains weight and can give one mood swings.
- The weight gain means I get more angry at myself and depressed from the self-loathing of being obese.
- I eat more and get more angry and depressed.
- I've got people around me being negative about their own drama, bringing me down with them.
- ...
enough already
Time to re-find and remember my contentment.
I'm not going to depress myself further by listing measured quantities or frequently mentioning my weight. A few weeks ago, I stepped on the scales and discovered I was 65kg/147lbs/10.5 stone. I'm a short person of 163cm/5'3" (if I stand up straight and not slouch) so I was horrified and disgusted with myself for bloating up into obesity. I was never an over-eater, now I am... The birth control implant in my arm is partly responsible but I have been steadily gaining weight before the implant, the implant was the final straw.
My goals for 2011...
- Lose the 30lbs of blubber I'm waddling around in and achieve and maintain a weight of 110-115lbs by December 2011. It's an ideal weight for me at my height. I'm neither too skinny nor too fat at that weight.
- Tone up my muscles, I am aware that muscles weigh more than fat, however, I'll gladly weigh a bit more if it means I can shed the excessive insulation. I want to reverse the pear-shape I've acquired and move *back* to the rectangle shape I'd once been. It's easier to crossdress and be androgynous when you don't 'look like a fat dyke in men's clothes'. I want shoulder muscles, I want these 34DD monstrosities to get smaller.
- Gym, three times a week. Going outside the house for walks or visiting parks/nature centres at least twice a week, if not three times a week.
- Find a tai chi course and a yoga course to attend to get back the calm that tai chi offers me. The yoga for the flexibility I once had.
- Decrease my sugar intake from sweets, candy, puddings, cakes and other junk food.
- Eat more fresh fruit and steamed veg.
- Eat less beef and pork and increase the fish and turkey.
- Less ready meals.
I still 'reward' myself if I get to the gym 3 days a week with half a sponge pudding. I am making deals with myself, if I mostly do the 'hard stuff' then I give myself a small treat.
I'm also currently fighting a craptastically deep depression, so I need to keep my mind and senses open to things that can lighten my mood. Spotting birds or seeing a flower or just being able to sit near a window in the sunlight all help. From my friends and family, I need to hear 'good Kshni' when I say I went to the gym and didn't gorge on rubbish.
And do you know what made me step on the scales in the first place? My goth clothes stopped fitting, I'm too fat to wear all the pretty clothes I got in 2010. I want to once more fit in those clothes by mid-Summer 2011. I want to be a UK size 10 trouser and a UK size 8 top by December 2011.
I CAN DO THIS.
Oh yes, and cycle of nasty:
- The implant side-effects are: gains weight and can give one mood swings.
- The weight gain means I get more angry at myself and depressed from the self-loathing of being obese.
- I eat more and get more angry and depressed.
- I've got people around me being negative about their own drama, bringing me down with them.
- ...
enough already
Time to re-find and remember my contentment.