About last night....
So last night I had a lovely time wallowing in my own self-pity. A_ passed out as soon as we left the music building and so I ordered pizza, changed into my pajamas, and vowed not the leave the couch at all, Jim Gaffigan style (sunnybpony knows what I'm talking about). A_ woke up briefly to eat dinner and then fell right back to sleep at 8 pm, followed by my passing out on the couch fifteen minutes later.
About my breakdown at rehearsal last night........every day I try to be three things at once: a mother, a wife and a vocalist. Yesterday I failed at all three. Sometimes I have days like that and I know they won't ever completely stop, but I don't quite know how to deal with them yet. Somehow I am able to simultaneously resent Opera Scenes for not allowing me to attend to my daugher and resent my daughter for not allowing me to fufill my professional commitments. All of those feelings are aggravated by the choir fiasco which I don't really want to talk about, but feel obligated to address in some small way. I'm using all the energy I have to try and maintain my integrity in the midst of the situation, and it takes a lot out of me. My natural inclination is pulling my in opposite directions and I must force myself not to move in either. I have to ignore my intrinsic desire to be a supportive wife and my instinctive inclination to condemn certain behavior. For those who care, or were affected, I will say this: I cannot apologize for R_ because I do not have that right. I am relying on the hope that people can recognize that a married couple are still two individual people and the actions of one shouldn't reflect on the other. I do not wish to discuss my personal views on the matter with anyone, including him. I think the weekend will cool everyone's jets and hopefully my dehabilitating insecurity about the whole thing will disappear by Monday.
In a side note, I had a nice dream about sunnybpony and her boyfriend cheering me up while eating in a cafeteria. It was pleasant.
About my breakdown at rehearsal last night........every day I try to be three things at once: a mother, a wife and a vocalist. Yesterday I failed at all three. Sometimes I have days like that and I know they won't ever completely stop, but I don't quite know how to deal with them yet. Somehow I am able to simultaneously resent Opera Scenes for not allowing me to attend to my daugher and resent my daughter for not allowing me to fufill my professional commitments. All of those feelings are aggravated by the choir fiasco which I don't really want to talk about, but feel obligated to address in some small way. I'm using all the energy I have to try and maintain my integrity in the midst of the situation, and it takes a lot out of me. My natural inclination is pulling my in opposite directions and I must force myself not to move in either. I have to ignore my intrinsic desire to be a supportive wife and my instinctive inclination to condemn certain behavior. For those who care, or were affected, I will say this: I cannot apologize for R_ because I do not have that right. I am relying on the hope that people can recognize that a married couple are still two individual people and the actions of one shouldn't reflect on the other. I do not wish to discuss my personal views on the matter with anyone, including him. I think the weekend will cool everyone's jets and hopefully my dehabilitating insecurity about the whole thing will disappear by Monday.
In a side note, I had a nice dream about sunnybpony and her boyfriend cheering me up while eating in a cafeteria. It was pleasant.