5 Totally AWESOME Things About Having No A/C during July in a Tropical Climate
You often hear people say, 'you never know what you have until it's gone'. Actually the only people that say that are the elderly and people that live outside the local quick-e-mart begging for change so they can buy crystal meth. I recently lost the use of air conditioning in my house. In July. In Florida. Always looking towards the brighter side of things, I can honestly say that it's not so bad so I've decided to compile a list of how incredible it is to not have cold air in my house during mid summer.
1. No More Sleeping in Late and Wasting an Entire Day!
Normally I work 5 grueling days a week, 40-50 hours Monday through Friday, early morning to mid afternoon. This leaves me with Saturday and Sunday to sleep in, relax, and drink until my thought processes are somewhere between a Gary Busey and a lawn gnome. Now let me tell you what happens when 60% of my house consists of poorly insulated windows, sliding glass doors and, well, overall poor engineering. At 7:30 when the sun starts to rise so close to the equator my house turns into a giant sized easy bake god damned oven. The temperature of the air outside starts to rise, 3 possibly 4 degrees every couple hours. By the time 9:30am rolls around and I'm just about to remove Megan Fox's panties, KA-BAM! I awake in a 3 inch puddle of my own perspiration, semen and other unwelcome bodily fluids. Sleeping in becomes a nonexistent and futile activity when the inside of your house is unbearable, even to Mexicans. But hey at least I have all this extra time to, you know, contemplate suicide and stuff!
The only way I'm achieving this state of slumber is copious amounts of depressants and/or physical labor.
2. Rack Up those Extra Hours at Work!
When I'm at work I'm a giant fucking mess of lazy and insane. I can't honestly remember the last time I had a productive day at work that didn't include a) me sitting on a toilet staring at my Blackberry for over an hour, b) me sitting on a toilet and carving penis drawings on the stall, or c) me standing in the boy's action figure aisle, contemplating whether to buy a Green Lantern or Flash action figure (hint: I bought both). Now that you toss no air conditioning into the equation this significantly changes the amount of time spent doing said things. Now when the manager asks if I'd like to stay late to help Joe Fuck-up sell some televisions and not accidentally blind his retinas with the hand scanner at the registers I say yes, as opposed to before when my response was a resilient absolutely-fuck-no-I'd rather-eat-maggots. This may be slowly chipping away at my integrity and self worth but hell the paychecks aren't bad and I get to stay in a constant 75 degrees as opposed to 104.
Jon, I'm going to need you to stay extra late'. Abso-fucking-lutely ma'am.
3. A Clean House is a Happy House!
Let me give you an example. When you omit the obligatory task of washing dishes, therefore allowing them to sit and rot in the sink, after about a week they begin to smell and attract insects. This is the case if you live in a temperature regulated housing unit. When it's as hot inside the house as it is outside and the same fun filled activity is skipped, after a day a sink full of dirty dishes looks not too similar to goddamn Chernobyl. At 90 degrees it is imperative that you clean everything with meticulous ninja-assassin like precision. The simple act of leaving a half empty beer bottle on the coffee table over night will result in a full fledged assault of every type of fly known to man having a drunken, heat induced orgy on said table. It's not a pretty sight but it forces you to mind your surroundings. Trust me.
On the contrary my dear, a clean house is a sign of UNADULTERATED MASCULINITY.
4. Sexually Transmitted Diseases are a Thing of the Past!
Guys you all know how hard it is to seduce a lady friend back to your quarters given normal circumstances. You have to play it perfectly, wear the right cologne, say just the right things all night, and make sure she's in the restroom as you furiously grind that GHB so that hope-to-God she doesn't taste it in her Michelob Ultra, you know? Well, try doing it knowing you might be bringing her back to your own personal hell. Not so easy at all, is it? Looking at the bright side I won't be waking up with weird bumps and rashes anymore. THANKS 30 YEAR OLD AIR CONDITIONING UNIT!!!
Who needs sexual intercourse when your have the Internets?
5. Now You're a MAN!
Do you know that feeling when you walk to your car in the middle of a sweltering summer day, anxiously awaiting the trip, your car pumping ice cold air in your face and up your pant leg? Imagine that same scenario, but instead, when you turn the key in your ignition all that fires out of the vents is something not too different from Satan's breath or a miniature reenactment of Pompeii. Now imagine that in your fucking house. Now imagine those conditions for a couple of months. Your house turns into a microwave and you are the delicious Stouffer's fucking French bread pizza. My brain is literally microwaved beyond scientific recognition and my resistance to the elements is on par with Bear Grylls. I think this is actually a traditional African rite of passage into manhood, or at least it could be. I have definitely taken air conditioning for granted, but in the meantime I have achieved a higher level of thought and pseudo super powers. Either that or bat-shit insanity.
You may enter my house looking like Carrot Top, but you WILL leave resembling Our Lord, Christian Bale.