unofficial st paddys day,ironically this blog has nothing to do with that.

Mar 06, 2009 23:30

Sometimes i get the feeling that often my own life is much more complicated and messy than others lives. That makes me feel selfish for making myself look like a scapegoat. Deep down i know that we control what we make with our lives. I've looked back on my achievements in my life..my accomplishments. Im proud of myself I must say, I've done alot more, and had alot more oppurtunites than alot of people, and for that im eternally greatful. But i must confess the past year, eh perhaps the last two years i havent been very constructive. Ive made more mistakes than i probably have in my lifetime, i kind of sat back and waited for a miracle and a miracle never happened. Then i realized, shit janna...get  up and do something..are you seriously going to let yourself waste away? I have a large heart, sometimes i get caught up in my love for others. I let their problems and issues control me, i strive to make life better for them. You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink. Its hard for me to accept the fact that sometimes no matter how hard i try, or how supportive i am...the only persons life i can control, can fix, can alter...is my own. Ive been so caught up in everyone elses business I've forgot about mine. Luckily I've realized this, luckily my peices have fell where they may, and god has dealt me a good hand this round. Im going back to school, either for nursing or something vetranarian related. Honestly i dont care which, as long as i know im doing something positive with my life, and helping people or animals I am happy. My love for others and animals has always been much stronger than my love for myself. I refuse to give up completely on art and music. Art and music will always be a huge part of my life. Art and music define me as a person, help me understand myself, and help others understand me as well. I still plan to excel in both. I miss art classes dearly. I miss my voice dearly. I think for the past few months i've forgotten what things mean the most to me, I've forgotten who i am, who i want to be...and what i stand for. I was in a abusive relationship, but the abuse went both ways. I believe we destroyed each other. It's hard to get over someone, and to start a new relationship when your feelings and emotions are a cyclone. You have that prick on your heart that tells you, you miss that person. But do you miss them because you love them? Or because your used to them being there? Time cures everything. Time gives us the answers, but as we all know Janna is quite impatient. I wish no one to think wrong upon me, or my ex...the mistakes we made we choose to make. I apoligize for all the people i pushed out of my life, and im more thankful than you know for you putting up with my bullshit and still being there to hold my hand. There are many i owe alot too, and i will not forget that. I've indulged myself in knowledge, creativity, friends, families and the occassional long conversation with innocent bistanders. Dont question that. Im digging myself out of this hole, and i will rise to the top, to the occassion again. Thank you, god bless, and trick luvs the kids.
goodnight.
yours truly
miss shaffer.

positive, change, success, love, breakup

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