and this is my confession...(the illest open entry)
HOLY SHIT. I LOVE TO PROCRASTINATE. I'M PROBABLY THE BEST PROCRASTINATOR EVER. this is my fucking future on the line. well, kind of. well, it's the difference between having to not pay up the ass to be a nurse and..having to pay up the ass to be a nurse. if i don't get into the stony brook nursing program...then, fuck...do i really want to pay up the ass to be a nurse? why do i keep saying up the ass? NO, I DO NOT WANT IT UP THE ASS.
it's still snowing. hahahaha. awesome. it sucks though because i'll probably be all puffy faced and doped up the whole time there's snow. =( and i'll probably be shoveling later. no wait. i like shoveling. so that's a plus. i meant to say AT LEAST i'll probably be shoveling later. and yay!!! i get to have my wisdom teeth taken out. hopefully...unless it's a snow-day for the dentist? i don't know. probably not.
OH YAY!! i should also queue up my ipod...my "getting my teeth pulled out" mix. yum. i think i listened to portishead when i got my first two wisdom teeth pulled out. so what'll it be this time? i don't know yet. i'll think about it later. i think bury white by far will be in it. and probably some at the drive in. yeah, yeah and why not some glassjaw and thursday to go with it? haha. shiiiit. and interpol, i think. or maybe just all modest mouse. OH. that sounds pleasant. and for the recovery period some elliot smith and belle and sebastian and american analog set. hahahaha.
so in 3-5 double-spaced pages i get to tell the school of nursing people why i should be a nurse. to be honest, i don't think i can convey it in 3-5 pages. and i don't know if i feel like that's too much or too little. i just know that i don't think i could ever make anyone understand why i want to be one. i could never sell things like that. or maybe i could (resident assistant personal statement)? i don't know. but, god, guys...i should have started writing earlier today when i got myself all in the mood...haha. you know? i was just kind of curled up in bed and wondered why? why am i choosing that path? and then i don't know. it just came to me. and then i became really angry. because...i don't know. i'm not in it for the money. i'm not in it for an easy job after graduation. i could be anything i fucking want to be and i could get paid more money. right? well, someone's going to get into this program who's only in it for the money. and that fucking pisses me off. haha. i just don't trust those admissions people.
i'm probably not qualified to get into this school though. look at me...still procrastinating. i could never reach my full potential (which i admit to having...with the utmost humility and modesty...the potential is something we all have- even people with huge egos like my little brother) because i do things in bursts and flashes of energy and never learned the process...never "worked on something." i don't develop ideas...i don't raise them and nurture them...i expedite them at the last minute. i throw them around and hand them in still in utero, bare and unedited. i've never submitted anything polished and produced in my entire life. i've never been satisfied by my work. c'mon, how many of you have ever read an academic paper by yours truly? or even a personal statement or creative piece? not many of you, probably- maybe only one. i guess some people think it's my style...you know- on the go, flittering. when it's not really a style so much as a limitation. heh. and it's not just papers. people are always so surprised by how spontaneous i can be during a presentation, how excited...well, it's because i really don't know what i'm about to say sometimes and gee whiz, when i say something awesome, i get really excited. haha. and man, if i hadn't waited until the last few hours before that last art class to finish that fucking oil pastel painting, my fingers would not have been raw and tender that finals week. heh. i'm surprised i didn't start bleeding all over the paper. although, that would have been pretty cool and goth. haha.
boy, i've probably written about two pages now in this journal...two pages of shit that doesn't have anything to do with nursing. do you think i should just be honest? you know, just say...i'm a half-ass student who's pretty much half-assed everything in her entire life and probably won't change much but hey, let me in because i have a fucking heart? i'm a hack and always have been. that's right, guys- all this time, i've been a hack- fucking hacked my way into your lives (and livejournals). haha. nah, ohkay, i'm over-acting. i don't totally half-ass everything. i guess if i were to be honest, i would say, HEY, YOU...i half-ass a lot of the shit in my life but sometimes, when something awesome is given to me, i try. and sometimes even when it's not awesome, i try. sometimes when it's really shitty, i try. heh. hahahaha. oh man.
and that's all i have, folks. get ready. i might share this school of nursing essay with you if i'm doped up enough tomorrow and bored. it's going to be a 3-5 page thrilling saga about a young girl's burning desire to become a nurse (and yes, if you've been online lately, that was my away message...see- total hack actions right there) and her will to uphold her family's honor (which of course, is important because in order to be a good filipino woman/daughter, you have to be a nurse or a teacher or married to a rich man- oh and you also have to be god-fearing, which i'm not doing so well in).
but guys, it's 4:30 AM and i'd be lying if i told you i don't see any hope in my condition. the semester went well besides a few minor bumps towards the end of the semester and although, i, still with the knowledge of my true self, am not totally satisfied with where i got myself, i am happy. i feel like (and this is to be held against me as totally gay- no offense to the PC crowd) i've grown wings or something and have lifted myself to a new place. i mean, not any sort of beautiful butterfly wings or swan wings or whatever...little chicken wings that don't even help them fly...maybe like penguin wings...in any case, if you haven't already heard this from me in words, i've changed. it started last spring semester, just before the summer, has only been realized by me in the last month and is still progressing. it's strange and quiet and exciting to me. and painful sometimes because i really felt like i was dying. don't ask me to explain (you know i hate explaining- i can hardly ever translate it into words.) and don't worry, i'm still jane. i'm more jane than i have ever been in my entire life.
if you want a physical manifestation (that will probably also start to sound gay so yes, hold this against me as well whenever you want), look at what i've done to my hair! haha. i was just thinking today about how fucking messed up it looks sometimes. hahaha. but also about how unfair it was to think that. THIS is a process and a transformation. honestly, i wanted to start them because i wanted to stop feeling ugly (irony? because some people feel like i've ruined an "asset"...a girl's crowning glory). but how would they do that? i don't know, i felt at the time that at least i'd be "different"...that you know, maybe i wouldn't be good-looking but at least i'd be interesting-looking and not just ugly-looking; being different and interesting-looking isn't something that's totally unfamiliar to me- it felt like a natural idea. so, although it hasn't stopped me from feeling ugly all the time, it's helped me start working on myself. it's familiarized me with putting my hands on my hair and spending time working on myself. it's self-love above all and right now my dreads look nothing like what they'll become but after much work and much love, they'll be beautiful and i'll feel beautiful (right?). i was a bit unsure about how long i wanted to keep them before but now i'm sure that i'm going to work on them until i really feel like it's time and not put any limits on their future. they have no expiration date.
my second example is still in the works and it's kind of a shame of mine- i'm a fucking pack-rat but this break there's going to be a systematic detachment from things that serve no purpose to me- LIKE FUCKING MAGAZINES THAT I KEEP TELLING MYSELF I'M GOING TO READ ONE DAY from like two years ago...and clothes i haven't worn in years but keep telling myself that one day i'll find a reason to wear that really weird top with the stripes and the turtleneck (ew). and i really regret adding this example because i'm afraid it won't coming to fruition this break...maybe not totally. so don't expect anything (as if you have any right to...it's MY room...heh.) this break i'm also going to read all those fucking books i wanted to read and have queued up a million movies on my blockbuster dvd rental subscription so...books and movies, all break.
many of you (and it probably applies to all of you reading this even just the act of reading this is enough...even just knowing you is enough) don't understand how much your support and understanding about this and about other things in my life have really helped me but it has been. and honestly, sometimes you haven't been supportive and you won't ever know how much those times have hurt me but that's ohkay too because it's all a part of who i am now and will be tomorrow. thank you and please, don't think about it too much. this isn't a cry for more support. don't embarrass me or yourselves with unsubstantiated or unneccessary support. i'm tough. ;)
with that, i feel the proper end of this entry coming and hope for comments that will bring me back down to earth because right now i must be higher than i have ever been in my life. haha. (no, i'm not stoned. DAMN! i'm totally high on verbal constructions and procrastination induced adrenaline)
i only update when i procrastinate. so if all goes well next semester, don't expect anymore updates. but do expect comments because i still read your journals. i think i'll end this with a throwback to that old jane who used to be obsessed with grunge and of course the king- kurt cobain- and always ended notes and letters with...what did he write on his suicide note?...
peace, love, empathy.
xx jane.
it's still snowing. hahahaha. awesome. it sucks though because i'll probably be all puffy faced and doped up the whole time there's snow. =( and i'll probably be shoveling later. no wait. i like shoveling. so that's a plus. i meant to say AT LEAST i'll probably be shoveling later. and yay!!! i get to have my wisdom teeth taken out. hopefully...unless it's a snow-day for the dentist? i don't know. probably not.
OH YAY!! i should also queue up my ipod...my "getting my teeth pulled out" mix. yum. i think i listened to portishead when i got my first two wisdom teeth pulled out. so what'll it be this time? i don't know yet. i'll think about it later. i think bury white by far will be in it. and probably some at the drive in. yeah, yeah and why not some glassjaw and thursday to go with it? haha. shiiiit. and interpol, i think. or maybe just all modest mouse. OH. that sounds pleasant. and for the recovery period some elliot smith and belle and sebastian and american analog set. hahahaha.
so in 3-5 double-spaced pages i get to tell the school of nursing people why i should be a nurse. to be honest, i don't think i can convey it in 3-5 pages. and i don't know if i feel like that's too much or too little. i just know that i don't think i could ever make anyone understand why i want to be one. i could never sell things like that. or maybe i could (resident assistant personal statement)? i don't know. but, god, guys...i should have started writing earlier today when i got myself all in the mood...haha. you know? i was just kind of curled up in bed and wondered why? why am i choosing that path? and then i don't know. it just came to me. and then i became really angry. because...i don't know. i'm not in it for the money. i'm not in it for an easy job after graduation. i could be anything i fucking want to be and i could get paid more money. right? well, someone's going to get into this program who's only in it for the money. and that fucking pisses me off. haha. i just don't trust those admissions people.
i'm probably not qualified to get into this school though. look at me...still procrastinating. i could never reach my full potential (which i admit to having...with the utmost humility and modesty...the potential is something we all have- even people with huge egos like my little brother) because i do things in bursts and flashes of energy and never learned the process...never "worked on something." i don't develop ideas...i don't raise them and nurture them...i expedite them at the last minute. i throw them around and hand them in still in utero, bare and unedited. i've never submitted anything polished and produced in my entire life. i've never been satisfied by my work. c'mon, how many of you have ever read an academic paper by yours truly? or even a personal statement or creative piece? not many of you, probably- maybe only one. i guess some people think it's my style...you know- on the go, flittering. when it's not really a style so much as a limitation. heh. and it's not just papers. people are always so surprised by how spontaneous i can be during a presentation, how excited...well, it's because i really don't know what i'm about to say sometimes and gee whiz, when i say something awesome, i get really excited. haha. and man, if i hadn't waited until the last few hours before that last art class to finish that fucking oil pastel painting, my fingers would not have been raw and tender that finals week. heh. i'm surprised i didn't start bleeding all over the paper. although, that would have been pretty cool and goth. haha.
boy, i've probably written about two pages now in this journal...two pages of shit that doesn't have anything to do with nursing. do you think i should just be honest? you know, just say...i'm a half-ass student who's pretty much half-assed everything in her entire life and probably won't change much but hey, let me in because i have a fucking heart? i'm a hack and always have been. that's right, guys- all this time, i've been a hack- fucking hacked my way into your lives (and livejournals). haha. nah, ohkay, i'm over-acting. i don't totally half-ass everything. i guess if i were to be honest, i would say, HEY, YOU...i half-ass a lot of the shit in my life but sometimes, when something awesome is given to me, i try. and sometimes even when it's not awesome, i try. sometimes when it's really shitty, i try. heh. hahahaha. oh man.
and that's all i have, folks. get ready. i might share this school of nursing essay with you if i'm doped up enough tomorrow and bored. it's going to be a 3-5 page thrilling saga about a young girl's burning desire to become a nurse (and yes, if you've been online lately, that was my away message...see- total hack actions right there) and her will to uphold her family's honor (which of course, is important because in order to be a good filipino woman/daughter, you have to be a nurse or a teacher or married to a rich man- oh and you also have to be god-fearing, which i'm not doing so well in).
but guys, it's 4:30 AM and i'd be lying if i told you i don't see any hope in my condition. the semester went well besides a few minor bumps towards the end of the semester and although, i, still with the knowledge of my true self, am not totally satisfied with where i got myself, i am happy. i feel like (and this is to be held against me as totally gay- no offense to the PC crowd) i've grown wings or something and have lifted myself to a new place. i mean, not any sort of beautiful butterfly wings or swan wings or whatever...little chicken wings that don't even help them fly...maybe like penguin wings...in any case, if you haven't already heard this from me in words, i've changed. it started last spring semester, just before the summer, has only been realized by me in the last month and is still progressing. it's strange and quiet and exciting to me. and painful sometimes because i really felt like i was dying. don't ask me to explain (you know i hate explaining- i can hardly ever translate it into words.) and don't worry, i'm still jane. i'm more jane than i have ever been in my entire life.
if you want a physical manifestation (that will probably also start to sound gay so yes, hold this against me as well whenever you want), look at what i've done to my hair! haha. i was just thinking today about how fucking messed up it looks sometimes. hahaha. but also about how unfair it was to think that. THIS is a process and a transformation. honestly, i wanted to start them because i wanted to stop feeling ugly (irony? because some people feel like i've ruined an "asset"...a girl's crowning glory). but how would they do that? i don't know, i felt at the time that at least i'd be "different"...that you know, maybe i wouldn't be good-looking but at least i'd be interesting-looking and not just ugly-looking; being different and interesting-looking isn't something that's totally unfamiliar to me- it felt like a natural idea. so, although it hasn't stopped me from feeling ugly all the time, it's helped me start working on myself. it's familiarized me with putting my hands on my hair and spending time working on myself. it's self-love above all and right now my dreads look nothing like what they'll become but after much work and much love, they'll be beautiful and i'll feel beautiful (right?). i was a bit unsure about how long i wanted to keep them before but now i'm sure that i'm going to work on them until i really feel like it's time and not put any limits on their future. they have no expiration date.
my second example is still in the works and it's kind of a shame of mine- i'm a fucking pack-rat but this break there's going to be a systematic detachment from things that serve no purpose to me- LIKE FUCKING MAGAZINES THAT I KEEP TELLING MYSELF I'M GOING TO READ ONE DAY from like two years ago...and clothes i haven't worn in years but keep telling myself that one day i'll find a reason to wear that really weird top with the stripes and the turtleneck (ew). and i really regret adding this example because i'm afraid it won't coming to fruition this break...maybe not totally. so don't expect anything (as if you have any right to...it's MY room...heh.) this break i'm also going to read all those fucking books i wanted to read and have queued up a million movies on my blockbuster dvd rental subscription so...books and movies, all break.
many of you (and it probably applies to all of you reading this even just the act of reading this is enough...even just knowing you is enough) don't understand how much your support and understanding about this and about other things in my life have really helped me but it has been. and honestly, sometimes you haven't been supportive and you won't ever know how much those times have hurt me but that's ohkay too because it's all a part of who i am now and will be tomorrow. thank you and please, don't think about it too much. this isn't a cry for more support. don't embarrass me or yourselves with unsubstantiated or unneccessary support. i'm tough. ;)
with that, i feel the proper end of this entry coming and hope for comments that will bring me back down to earth because right now i must be higher than i have ever been in my life. haha. (no, i'm not stoned. DAMN! i'm totally high on verbal constructions and procrastination induced adrenaline)
i only update when i procrastinate. so if all goes well next semester, don't expect anymore updates. but do expect comments because i still read your journals. i think i'll end this with a throwback to that old jane who used to be obsessed with grunge and of course the king- kurt cobain- and always ended notes and letters with...what did he write on his suicide note?...
peace, love, empathy.
xx jane.