Fic, Lost: The Halls of Craphole Heaven (Charlie, Boone, Shannon & the dead), pg13
Title: The Halls of Craphole Heaven
Rating: PG-13 to be overly sure
Characters: Charlie, Boone, Shannon, most of the dead people and a Tom special appearance
Summary: Charlie wakes up in Craphole Heaven. Chaos happens, Tom appears and the boss is very pretty. Crack, huh.
Spoilers: 'Further Instructions' and 'The Beginning of the End'
Disclaimer: Nothing here is mine. If it was, nobody would be in Craphole Heaven.
Warnings: Written in a pretty sucky afternoon of the worse day of the last four months. So it probably makes even less sense than a crack fic should. There's a lot of pink. Oh, and there's fashion arguing. And Tom is in love with Jack. Oh, also offers an explanation on the Scott and Steve mess.
A/N: I don't know why do I write Charlie's POV only when I write crack but, uhm, it happened. One day I'll be able to write him in a serious contest. Anyway, this was meant as an answer the main question that the premiere generated aka 'why the hell dead people are prettier than they were when they were alive?'. And now I'll shut up and leave the crack be. Thanks to lasamy for betaing. Also entering for lostfichallenge #65: free for all. Won Best Humorous Fic at lost_fic_awards in February 2008.
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As soon as Charlie opened his eyes and blinked a couple of times, he didn’t have the time to actually wonder why the hell he was lying on a hard folding bed in what looked very much like a cell; a mere two seconds after he woke up, an alarm started up and a feminine, pleasant enough, screamy voice repeating the same sentence all over again.
New arrival in CH section, attention, new arrival in CH section, attention, new arrival in CH section.
It stopped after the sixth round and Charlie allowed himself to open his eyes and lower his hands from his head. Oh, and to try to understand where the bloody hell he was.
He was sitting on the bed, which had only a plain white sheet and not even a pillow; there were bars in front of him, the walls of the room were of a light blue, without even a word written on. Outside the bars, he could see a shiny corridor.
It definitely looked like an airport’s bullpen.
And, excuse the doubt, Charlie couldn’t actually say how all this could fit some way with the fact that his last not very pleasant memory was water, lots of water, Desmond’s hand against a glass, a black Sharpie, a boat which wasn’t Penny’s and then just darkness.
Maybe it had all been a drug induced dream and he was in the airport’s bullpen in Sydney. Hell, some cop could have knocked him out and found the heroin he had with him. It was more than probable. He wouldn’t have remembered it anyway. Then he probably had been out for a while and all the faces in his dream were the ones he saw in the lounge. A long dream, but a dream nonetheless.
That was an excellent explanation, Charlie thought, even if it left out the screaming voice. And that meant that the plane never crashed in the first place, therefore that everyone was alive now. Knowing it, he could kind of make peace with the fact that...
His train of thought stopped cold when his fingers trailed over where the scar over his eye should have been. Should have been, because it wasn’t there anymore. The skin was smooth and he couldn’t feel a trace of it.
He tried to find an actual explanation when he heard a voice coming from the corridor and he forgot all about his previous doubt.
“Another one? Is this place a postal office now or what?”
That couldn’t be, that could not...
“So who is it now... what, Charlie?!”
Well. It could.
In front of him, dressed in a pretty black uniform made up by a blouse and a skirt, hair neatly tied and combed, smooth, almost golden skin, lips parted in surprise, wide black eyes circled by just the right quantity of rimmel and a light pink lipstick, there was Ana-Lucia.
“Ana?!”, he choked out standing up and walking near the bars.
“Yeah, in person. So you’re on the other side, too?”
“What do you...”
“Charlie, if you are here, you are dead. You know what CH means?”
“I really don’t, no. You know, I never was that good with initials stuff, UK was the best I could manage..”
“Oh, you can’t shut up even now? Anyway, that means Craphole Heaven.”
“So Craphole Heaven is a bloody airport?”
“Sure it is. And this is the waiting hall.”
“Waiting hall? A bullpen as waiting hall?”
“And why not? Don’t fuss up too much, you’re not the first here and you won’t be the last. If the rate keeps on like this, you’ll get yourself some company before you’re allowed to leave it.”
“What do you mean now?”
“That in the last two hours we had...”
Ana-Lucia’s face frowned a bit and she started thinking about something.
“So, the two lesbians, the six motherfuckers, that pilot girl who disappeared after ten seconds, the patch man... yeah, like, ten people.”
“And they’re already out?”
“Yeah. Patch man’s down there again, seems like they don’t want him here. The boss would say the concurrence. Oh, but wait a moment, that’s right. Can’t get you out if I don’t call the boss.”
“The boss? You’ve got a bloody boss?”, asked Charlie deciding that it wasn’t time to worry about concurrence, whatever the hell it meant.
“Sure. Every place has to have a boss.”
Ana took a sort of tranceiver from her belt and dialed a number.
“New arrival in CH, Charlie joined us. Yeah, he’s a bit worn out. Sure, we’ll wait for you.”
Now Charlie really wanted to know who the boss could be. He guessed someone who was there before them all. Well, Boss couldn’t be that bad since he seemed to be on good terms with Ana, and it took something to be at good terms with Ana. Though...
“Uhm, are we allowed questions?”
“Sure.”
“Since when do you wear, uhm, skirts?”
“You’ve never seen me outside the island, have you?”
“Well, no, I haven’t, but I pictured you as a, you know, I-want-to-be-a-man girl, not to offend you because you look really great like this too but...”
“I was, yeah, but you’ll understand what the matter is when the boss... oh, there he is.”
Charlie gave a look outside the bars and, well, his jaw kinda dropped.
Because he would have never pictured Boone to be the boss of Craphole Island’s Heaven or what it was, but he was the only person in the corridor. Couldn’t be anyone else, huh?
Now, Charlie had always thought Boone was a kinda pretty guy. Okay, maybe even prettier than his sister, even if blondes were more Charlie’s type. Possibly women, even if he had fooled around, alright. Problem was, he wasn’t actually pretty now. He was drop-dead gorgeous, if nothing else.
His hair was definitely longer than it was the last time he saw him alive; now they almost touched his neck, falling in a neat, soft wave of brown silk. He wore a green tank top and a pair of light grey jeans which fell in all the right places, helping him show off a very, very nice body. He always had those two enormous blue eyes and those pink, soft lips which were actually turned in a pleased grin by then; Charlie grinned back, trying not to think at how absurd the situation was.
“So you joined us.”, Boone said coming in front of the cell.
“Seems so, mate. You look, uhm, great. For being dead. I mean, you looked great even before but..”
“What, thanks. Glad to hear so. You actually don’t, but don’t worry. We’ll take care of it soon.”
“Don’t doubt it, but, uhm, since when you’re the boss in heaven?”
“In this heaven. And since I was here before you all. One has to have seniority privileges or what?"
"Oh. Well. Right. But one moment, wasn't there Kate's marshal before you?"
"That one? He got a job offer. He's working in some other reality harassing people and I heard he's got yellow eyes and sets places on fire, but that isn't the point. Now, I’ll ask you just a couple of questions and then we can go, okay?”
“Uhm, sure. I’m game.”, said Charlie deciding that Boone was probably a more pleasant boss than Edward Mars anyway.
Boone smiled slightly and looked at Ana, who nodded and went to a desk a few metres away to get something. She came back with a folder and a pen, then she opened it; there was a piece of paper with sixteen little boxes to check. To Charlie it looked like one of those quizzes he used to do in school and if anything else it made everything seem even more insane.
“Great, I’ll try to be as short as possible. So, uhm, was your death something you regret happening?”
The bloody hell of a stupid question it is?
“What?”
“Sorry, it’s the procedure. Everyone has, actually. Not me, though. But anyway, I met the actual boss. The general boss, you know.”
“Boone, mate, this really is becoming kind of, you know, dazed and confused? I’ll just answer and let’s stop here. No. I knew what I was doing.”
“Ana, check no regrets. Okay, you actually want to get revenge on someone? For you being here?”
“Man, no. I mean, you can only mean Des or Patchy, right? Well, no, it’s not like it was Desmond’s fault. And Patchy seems immortal anyway, I’ll let it go. Forgive and forget, right? I had my choice and that’s it.”
“Check no revenge spirit. Okay, now, would you rather spend eternity here just lazying around and stuff or would you want to be useful? I mean being a spirit guide, helping people and all that jazz. It’s good either way man, no one asks anything from you here.”
Charlie tried to make some sense out of that nonsense. Well, lazying around in an airport for eternity didn’t actually seem like the best of options.
“I’d help someone, if I can...?”
“Check guide spirit. Final question, you prefer coffee, milk, papaya juice, orange juice or a dark Guinness?”
“The hell of a question is this?!”
“Well, if you become a spirit guide you may need to go back down and you know, we don’t actually eat anything or drink anything here. But there, we may need some supportance and so you can choose between these drinks. You choose one, it’s going to be the only thing you’ll be able to drink when you go down. If you do.”
Charlie wanted to scream by then, but, but. He was in an airport full of dead people called Craphole Heaven, or something similar.
It wasn’t so crazy, maybe.
“So I’ve had enough of papaya, thanks. And drinking beer only would kind of suck. Orange juice.”
“Check orange juice. That’s okay. Ana, you’ve got the Spirit Guide Application Form?”
”Sure, boss.”
Ana handed Boone a sheet and a pen, then Boone passed the sheet to Charlie.
“Okay, compile this and then you can leave. I’ll show you around and I’ll explain you how everything works here.”
“Right mate.. guess we have the time.”
Charlie took the form and filled it all, from name, surname and birth date to you’d rather have wings or not, even if the best question was would you like to appear during drug-induced dreams only? , at which he double checked no. Then handed the sheet back to Boone, who nodded to Ana again. She took some keys and opened the cell, motioning for Charlie to leave, and he was bloody glad of doing so.
“So, now?”
“Now it’s time for a Craphole tour.”, Boone answered with a small wink and started to walk through the corridor. Charlie followed, in step with him, until they arrived at a door. Boone opened it and Charlie stepped out into the craziest place ever seen.
They were on the first floor of a big lounge; an escalator was a few metres away from them on their left, while on their right there was a cafeteria, without anyone to tend to. The floor was white and shiny, as the walls and the ceiling; the whiteness of it all was interrupted by light-blue stripes, but the effect was quite blinding before the eyes adjusted. There were a couple of check-ins in the lower part of the lounge and some people going back and forth, even if Charlie couldn’t recognize anyone.
“So what?”
“This is the first floor, which is where everyone arrives. That is the bottom floor, where you only go when you need to get out and go on Earth or something. You can also bring people here but it takes some time to learn how. You won’t have problems, though.”
“Hey, you’ve done it with Locke once?”
“Sure. Was a lot of fun, I must say. Poor John was kinda scared at the beginning and I wanted to have some fun with him anyway. And he understood about half of what he was supposed to understand but whatever. So, over there there’s the lift. Whenever you need to leave, just go to the bottom floor and go at the check in with the destination you need. It’ll be somewhere.”
“Do I get a plane to get out of here?”
“Sure not. You just walk through the door on the gate and you’ll be where you need to be instead of the plane. Anyway, that’s the bottom floor. But I should show you to the second one, which is where everyone lives. Or stays. However you like it.”
Charlie nodded and followed Boone to the nearest escalator which went up. When Boone freed his field of vision, he found himself in another enormous, circular lounge. The ceiling was made of transparent glass, showing a piercing blue sky; in the center, there were a few plants and four sofas, which looked really comfortable to tell the truth. Then, all around, there were a good deal of shops, the ones you usually find in an airport, and a nice bar with tables outside. Though Charlie could see some people inside it. some people like, two girls in a particularly friendly mood. Like Bonnie and Greta, he reasoned, but he didn’t feel much up to a meeting right then.
“Wow. Mate, this is... way cool. The trippy kind of cool, you know, but cool.”
“Well, can’t say you aren’t right. So, first thing of all, I think you need some restyling.”
“What?”
“Well, you noticed something changed in me and Ana?”
“Well, you’re both waaaaay prettier than you ever were when..”
“That’s it. You know, we should gain some advantages from our current situation, right? And no one wants a spirit guide with too long hair and worn out clothes.”
“So what I should do?”
“We go to the Craphole Beauty Saloon first, and then to the clothes shop. Luckily, being dead, we don’t need showers or stuff.”
Charlie nodded and followed Boone, not too sure but well, it wasn’t like he had anything to lose, right?
Boone opened a door of a shop for him and for a second Charlie’s world turned pink. The walls were pink, shiny pink, even if luckily it wasn’t a cotton-candy pink but more of a salmon-pink. Then he noticed some seats, pink shelves full of hair products, trails with scissors and pincers, everything you could ever desire in a women’s hairdresser shop. And then...
“Charlie!”
He turned just in time to find himself embraced tightly by something tall and lean and pink who he guessed to be Shannon, since after that he didn’t see pink anymore but golden blonde and no, she wasn’t mistakable. He hugged her back, then had a better look at her when they parted.
She wore two pink panties which showed about four fifths of her legs, long and perfect, a light pink shirt, probably no bra (well, he wasn’t that pervert, but when a girl throws herself at you, well, you got the point, right?); her hair was longer too, always blonde but much more shiny. Sand and wind weren’t much good for hair in general, he guessed. She also had a pink lipstick, the same shade as Ana’s (do they actually shop together for cosmetics or something? , he thought with a shudder) and her skin was still tanned. She wore a pair of pink sandals and damn, she really had a smile there.
“Shannon! Seems so much time since the fish...”
He abruptly shut up but she just laughed and put a hand on his shoulder.
“Yeah, I was thinking this too. So, you’re among us now? Too bad. But I can assure you it’s better than one could think. And I think you’re here because you need a haircut.”
“He says so.”
“Well, for once he’s right.”
“Shan!”
“Well, alright, you were right about pink not suiting Ana, too.”
“Shan. Please. You know my eye is better than yours for these things.”
“Like hell it is.”
“Sure, as you say. Anyway, I think you should make a short cut. And shave off that stubble.”
“Mh, I can see that the stubble doesn’t look too good. But I’m not so sure on the short cut. He’s cute, with longer hair.”
“Yeah, but we aren’t aiming for cute.”
Shannon seemed to consider it, looking straight at Boone and then at Charlie, then at Boone again.
Charlie was actually starting to feel creeped out when she nodded.
“Maybe you’re right this time, too. Though you’re a bonehead anyway.”
“Sure princess, just cut his hair, will you?”
“Yeah, alright. Listen, then we get clothes, right?”
“Well, he can’t go around like that!”
“Then I’m coming with you.”
“As it pleases you.”
Shannon nodded, than turned to Charlie, with a smile too sly for his tastes.
“Would you sit down?”
Charlie nodded and sat down on a fairly comfortable pink cushion, raising his eyes to a very pink ceiling.
The world was suddenly too pink for his tastes, but he guessed that having Shannon shaving you was a pretty good consolation for seeing pink everywhere.
--
When he looked at the mirror, he couldn’t recognize his own face. Shannon had opted for a very short cut, leaving him barely an inch of hair at all and completely cutting off his fringe, while his stubble was mostly gone except for a light shadow of it. And it looked good, he had to admit. Well, not good. Bloody good.
“How about it?”, she asked freeing him of the pink towel around his neck.
“Well, if I still had a band and we still were, you know, living, I’d have offered you a place with the crew. You’re amazing at this, even better than I was at catching fish.”
“Doesn’t take too much for that”, muttered Boone, but he was kind of smiling. Shannon looked at him and just shrugged.
“You don’t value me enough.”
“First of all I was right about the cut. And if you remember, I cut your hair when you joined me, you could show some respect.”
“Sure, bonehead. All the respect you need.”, she said washing her hands in a sink in a far corner of the shop, shaking her head. Then joined the both of them at the door.
“So, we’re going shopping?”
Boone smiled, nodded and left the shop, followed by the both of them. Charlie had an impression that it wasn’t going to be an easy thing. Or that he was going to actually choose a single item of clothing.
--
Okay, he actually didn’t expect to find himself in front of an Other dressed in a smart, gray suit who presented himself as Tom, but Boone assured him that even if he had died just minutes before Charlie did, he had the place reserved. Seemingly, the Others had developed some way to visit Craphole Heaven; Tom had been there once or twice and he had asked exactly for the clothes shop when his turn came and hey, when you die you bury axes, right? Eko was not too happy in a clothes environment, anyway.
So this Tom guy had had a look at him, nodded and said they’d find some good stuff in a section of his shop where Charlie guessed was made for a perfect rockstar-wannabe, but he didn’t even care to go near it since Boone and Shannon were doing all the work for him.
“You’re crazy, Shan. Red is so not his color! We should wait for Jack to put out all the red things!”
“Well, right, it probably suits Jack better, but it’s not like salmon pink is better.”
“It’d be a good match with his hair.”
“It’s too short to matter being a match!”
“Were they always like this?”
Charlie turned to Tom, which was looking at them both with a frown.
“Much worse, mate. Now, this is friendly.”
“Damn.”
“But why you wanted to be in charge of the clothes anyway, mate? You don’t strike me as a, uhm, clothes type.”
“There’s more to me than you see. And anyway, care to follow me? It’s not like they’re noticing. And don’t worry, no dead has bad intentions.”
Charlie nodded and followed Tom to the angle, passing Boone and Shannon, who were seeminly arguing whether ripped jeans were good for an appearance or if they were totally out of fashion.
Tom started going through clothes, finally finding something that satisfied him.
“You know”, he said, “I really was hoping for your pal Jack to show up here.”
“Jack? And why?”
“Well, you know, he’d be something to dress. And the boss there is right, I’d love to find him a burgundy shirt and have him put it on, he’d look just so good in it..”
Charlie suddenly had a flash of a conversation he had with Kate.
“One moment, were you the one who told Kate she wasn’t his type?”
“Yeah, that was me! She told you?”
“Once. Guess Jack’s more your type, huh?”
“Sure he is, my friend. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be. Anyway, that was to prove I have some taste. Hey, you two!”
Boone and Shannon turned to him, startled enough.
“What ‘bout these?”
Tom threw them a bundle of clothes. They caught about half of it each; Shannon had a black and violet shirt with short sleeves and a light leather jacket, Boone a pair of black velvet pants.
“Well, these are good. Shan, what do you say?”
“Yeah, could go. Charlie, why don’t you try them on?”
Charlie nodded and went to get the clothes, then hid in the changing room as fast as he could.
That whole situation was starting to creep him out.
--
When he came out, he sure didn’t expect such an entusiastic reaction.
“Oh wow Charlie, couldn’t you be like this when we were on the island? I sure would have thought better than using you for catching fish!”
“Shan, damnit! Anyway, she’s got a point. Man, that stuff suits you.”
“See? I said that I had to be a damn stylist! Why can’t Jack show up here once?”
Boone put a hand on Tom’s shoulder, seemingly amused.
“Well, I could bring him here. I mean, as soon as I have something confusing enough for him to reflect on.”
“Oh, I’d love it!”
“Tom?”, asked Shannon, “You don’t have any sunglasses or something?”
“Sure I do.”, he answered, still high on Boone’s promise, before going to a drawer and threw Shannon a pair of old Ray-Bans, which she handed Charlie. He put them on and the giggling started again. Boone clapped him on his shoulder while looking at his reflection in the mirror.
“I’ve got to say, you’re looking great.”
“Uhm.. thanks, mate, really, no one told me since I was around wearing eyeliner and stuff but I really am flattered or...”
“Okay, I think now you we should go to the common room. Then you’ll have seen it all. Thanks, Tom!”
“Was a pleasure! And hey, you’re going to bring Jack for a few minutes, aren’t you?”
“Sure. Count on it.”
Charlie turned, not wanting to see Tom bouncing around with seemingly hearts sparkling in his eyes, and followed Boone and Shannon to another door a bit farther from the clothes shop.
They entered in another waiting room, with three lines of quite comfortable chairs and a number of tvs on the walls. Charlie kind of startled seeing that in every screen he could see a person on the island.
Desmond was in one, on the boat, hurrying to the beach; Sawyer was in another, drinking a beer against the Dharma van; Juliet in another, seemingly digging; Bernard in another, looking at the sea with Sayid near him; Jack was saying something to Ben or Gale or whoever, Kate was near him...
“Charlie.”
He turned and almost screamed finding himself in front of Eko, who had his hair perfectly trimmed, a crispy white shirt and a black suit, which actually made a good impression.
“So, you are with us now.”, he said smiling.
“Well, mate, seems I am. Can’t say it’s bad company.”
“So you’re here!”
He turned to his left and saw Libby, dressed with a nice, blue dress, white sandals, a bit of mascara around her eyes and a very made-in-Shannon cut. She looked really beautiful, he thought while hugging her lightly. But then he was distracted by shouting.
“He’s the one who buried us!”
“I said no, Nikki! It was the other blond! The one with the porn stash or whatever..”
Charlie turned to his right to see... what were.. right, Nikki and Paulo standing near a row of seats and looking at their group once in a while, then going back to arguing. Mostly like Boone and Shannon in their worst day, Charlie thought, then dismissed them because well, Boone and Shannon were actually more pleasant to watch.
“So, what do we actually do now? I mean, we stay here in this room just watching Craphole Island’s best show?”
Boone stopped staring at Nikki and Paulo, then turned to him again.
“Well, we actually take turns. So if something important happens we can call each other and decide what we should do.”
“Because you do something?”
“Sure. Or at least, I do something since there’s only one other person here who actually goes down. Who is down right now, by the way.”
“Who?”
“Well, Scott.”
“Wait a moment, wasn’t that Steve?”
“No, it’s Scott. But he’s down there more than he is here and you probably all see him. Steve especially, they were friends or something.”
“So that’s why no one understands who’s dead and who’s not?”
“Pretty much that one.”
“Cool. Couldn’t have figured it out if I wanted.”
“That's pretty much it, but he really just makes out with Steve or mindfucks him or whatever. I showed up with Locke once but I was present a couple of other times. Though if Locke keeps on like this taking orders from the concurrence, I think I’ll really have to start showing up in Jack’s dreams.”
“Couldn’t you from the start? And what the bloody hell’s concurrence?”
“We aren’t the only.. supernatural entities here, let’s say. And the concurrence sucks, man. I know it. Hell, I died because of the concurrence. And well, Locke was going to believe me without even questioning it. You think Jack would?”
Charlie had to admit that no, he wouldn’t.
“Oh, I was forgetting something. Care to catch up? I’ll be back as soon as I do some things.”
Charlie nodded and Boone left the room; Shannon watched him until he disappeared, then turned to Charlie again.
“He actually was good at managing. Even if this isn’t a wedding company. Don’t tell him I told you.”
“Wouldn’t even think about it.”
Charlie went with the others to sit in the front row and tried to give them all a better account of what had happened on camp, even if they had seen it all. Eko filled his knowledge about the time Sawyer, Jack and Kate spent with the Others and he was deciding if it was the case to tell him about Sawyer and Locke’s encouter when Boone came back into the room, going straight to Charlie and handing him a walkie more or less like Ana’s.
“So, you use this if you ever need anyone of us who you can’t find. There is a list with the numbers on the back. Oh, and this is yours.”
Boone handed Charlie a card and, well, he had to burst up laughing.
“What? Official Craphole Spirit Guide #2?”
“Sure”, said Boone showing him one which was in his pocket, “Mine is the #1. Scott’s is a half, he really doesn’t guide anyone. It’s just for reference anyway.”
“Well, alright. Looks cool anyway. Like a presentation card. I really never had serious a presentation card, you know. Anyway, this is all?”
“Yeah, mostly. I just hope our little group won’t get bigger anytime soon, but we can only hope. In case someone does, the voice starts.”
“I noticed.”, said Charlie settling down again on his seat.
“So what now?”, he asked to no one.
“You enjoy the halls of Craphole Heaven.”, answered Shannon sitting near Boone and looking at the screen which followed Sayid, Boone’s arm around her shoulder and a kind of worried expression on her face.
Charlie thought there really wasn’t a better plan for now.
This Spirit Guide thing seemed totally cool, though.
End.
Rating: PG-13 to be overly sure
Characters: Charlie, Boone, Shannon, most of the dead people and a Tom special appearance
Summary: Charlie wakes up in Craphole Heaven. Chaos happens, Tom appears and the boss is very pretty. Crack, huh.
Spoilers: 'Further Instructions' and 'The Beginning of the End'
Disclaimer: Nothing here is mine. If it was, nobody would be in Craphole Heaven.
Warnings: Written in a pretty sucky afternoon of the worse day of the last four months. So it probably makes even less sense than a crack fic should. There's a lot of pink. Oh, and there's fashion arguing. And Tom is in love with Jack. Oh, also offers an explanation on the Scott and Steve mess.
A/N: I don't know why do I write Charlie's POV only when I write crack but, uhm, it happened. One day I'll be able to write him in a serious contest. Anyway, this was meant as an answer the main question that the premiere generated aka 'why the hell dead people are prettier than they were when they were alive?'. And now I'll shut up and leave the crack be. Thanks to lasamy for betaing. Also entering for lostfichallenge #65: free for all. Won Best Humorous Fic at lost_fic_awards in February 2008.
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As soon as Charlie opened his eyes and blinked a couple of times, he didn’t have the time to actually wonder why the hell he was lying on a hard folding bed in what looked very much like a cell; a mere two seconds after he woke up, an alarm started up and a feminine, pleasant enough, screamy voice repeating the same sentence all over again.
New arrival in CH section, attention, new arrival in CH section, attention, new arrival in CH section.
It stopped after the sixth round and Charlie allowed himself to open his eyes and lower his hands from his head. Oh, and to try to understand where the bloody hell he was.
He was sitting on the bed, which had only a plain white sheet and not even a pillow; there were bars in front of him, the walls of the room were of a light blue, without even a word written on. Outside the bars, he could see a shiny corridor.
It definitely looked like an airport’s bullpen.
And, excuse the doubt, Charlie couldn’t actually say how all this could fit some way with the fact that his last not very pleasant memory was water, lots of water, Desmond’s hand against a glass, a black Sharpie, a boat which wasn’t Penny’s and then just darkness.
Maybe it had all been a drug induced dream and he was in the airport’s bullpen in Sydney. Hell, some cop could have knocked him out and found the heroin he had with him. It was more than probable. He wouldn’t have remembered it anyway. Then he probably had been out for a while and all the faces in his dream were the ones he saw in the lounge. A long dream, but a dream nonetheless.
That was an excellent explanation, Charlie thought, even if it left out the screaming voice. And that meant that the plane never crashed in the first place, therefore that everyone was alive now. Knowing it, he could kind of make peace with the fact that...
His train of thought stopped cold when his fingers trailed over where the scar over his eye should have been. Should have been, because it wasn’t there anymore. The skin was smooth and he couldn’t feel a trace of it.
He tried to find an actual explanation when he heard a voice coming from the corridor and he forgot all about his previous doubt.
“Another one? Is this place a postal office now or what?”
That couldn’t be, that could not...
“So who is it now... what, Charlie?!”
Well. It could.
In front of him, dressed in a pretty black uniform made up by a blouse and a skirt, hair neatly tied and combed, smooth, almost golden skin, lips parted in surprise, wide black eyes circled by just the right quantity of rimmel and a light pink lipstick, there was Ana-Lucia.
“Ana?!”, he choked out standing up and walking near the bars.
“Yeah, in person. So you’re on the other side, too?”
“What do you...”
“Charlie, if you are here, you are dead. You know what CH means?”
“I really don’t, no. You know, I never was that good with initials stuff, UK was the best I could manage..”
“Oh, you can’t shut up even now? Anyway, that means Craphole Heaven.”
“So Craphole Heaven is a bloody airport?”
“Sure it is. And this is the waiting hall.”
“Waiting hall? A bullpen as waiting hall?”
“And why not? Don’t fuss up too much, you’re not the first here and you won’t be the last. If the rate keeps on like this, you’ll get yourself some company before you’re allowed to leave it.”
“What do you mean now?”
“That in the last two hours we had...”
Ana-Lucia’s face frowned a bit and she started thinking about something.
“So, the two lesbians, the six motherfuckers, that pilot girl who disappeared after ten seconds, the patch man... yeah, like, ten people.”
“And they’re already out?”
“Yeah. Patch man’s down there again, seems like they don’t want him here. The boss would say the concurrence. Oh, but wait a moment, that’s right. Can’t get you out if I don’t call the boss.”
“The boss? You’ve got a bloody boss?”, asked Charlie deciding that it wasn’t time to worry about concurrence, whatever the hell it meant.
“Sure. Every place has to have a boss.”
Ana took a sort of tranceiver from her belt and dialed a number.
“New arrival in CH, Charlie joined us. Yeah, he’s a bit worn out. Sure, we’ll wait for you.”
Now Charlie really wanted to know who the boss could be. He guessed someone who was there before them all. Well, Boss couldn’t be that bad since he seemed to be on good terms with Ana, and it took something to be at good terms with Ana. Though...
“Uhm, are we allowed questions?”
“Sure.”
“Since when do you wear, uhm, skirts?”
“You’ve never seen me outside the island, have you?”
“Well, no, I haven’t, but I pictured you as a, you know, I-want-to-be-a-man girl, not to offend you because you look really great like this too but...”
“I was, yeah, but you’ll understand what the matter is when the boss... oh, there he is.”
Charlie gave a look outside the bars and, well, his jaw kinda dropped.
Because he would have never pictured Boone to be the boss of Craphole Island’s Heaven or what it was, but he was the only person in the corridor. Couldn’t be anyone else, huh?
Now, Charlie had always thought Boone was a kinda pretty guy. Okay, maybe even prettier than his sister, even if blondes were more Charlie’s type. Possibly women, even if he had fooled around, alright. Problem was, he wasn’t actually pretty now. He was drop-dead gorgeous, if nothing else.
His hair was definitely longer than it was the last time he saw him alive; now they almost touched his neck, falling in a neat, soft wave of brown silk. He wore a green tank top and a pair of light grey jeans which fell in all the right places, helping him show off a very, very nice body. He always had those two enormous blue eyes and those pink, soft lips which were actually turned in a pleased grin by then; Charlie grinned back, trying not to think at how absurd the situation was.
“So you joined us.”, Boone said coming in front of the cell.
“Seems so, mate. You look, uhm, great. For being dead. I mean, you looked great even before but..”
“What, thanks. Glad to hear so. You actually don’t, but don’t worry. We’ll take care of it soon.”
“Don’t doubt it, but, uhm, since when you’re the boss in heaven?”
“In this heaven. And since I was here before you all. One has to have seniority privileges or what?"
"Oh. Well. Right. But one moment, wasn't there Kate's marshal before you?"
"That one? He got a job offer. He's working in some other reality harassing people and I heard he's got yellow eyes and sets places on fire, but that isn't the point. Now, I’ll ask you just a couple of questions and then we can go, okay?”
“Uhm, sure. I’m game.”, said Charlie deciding that Boone was probably a more pleasant boss than Edward Mars anyway.
Boone smiled slightly and looked at Ana, who nodded and went to a desk a few metres away to get something. She came back with a folder and a pen, then she opened it; there was a piece of paper with sixteen little boxes to check. To Charlie it looked like one of those quizzes he used to do in school and if anything else it made everything seem even more insane.
“Great, I’ll try to be as short as possible. So, uhm, was your death something you regret happening?”
The bloody hell of a stupid question it is?
“What?”
“Sorry, it’s the procedure. Everyone has, actually. Not me, though. But anyway, I met the actual boss. The general boss, you know.”
“Boone, mate, this really is becoming kind of, you know, dazed and confused? I’ll just answer and let’s stop here. No. I knew what I was doing.”
“Ana, check no regrets. Okay, you actually want to get revenge on someone? For you being here?”
“Man, no. I mean, you can only mean Des or Patchy, right? Well, no, it’s not like it was Desmond’s fault. And Patchy seems immortal anyway, I’ll let it go. Forgive and forget, right? I had my choice and that’s it.”
“Check no revenge spirit. Okay, now, would you rather spend eternity here just lazying around and stuff or would you want to be useful? I mean being a spirit guide, helping people and all that jazz. It’s good either way man, no one asks anything from you here.”
Charlie tried to make some sense out of that nonsense. Well, lazying around in an airport for eternity didn’t actually seem like the best of options.
“I’d help someone, if I can...?”
“Check guide spirit. Final question, you prefer coffee, milk, papaya juice, orange juice or a dark Guinness?”
“The hell of a question is this?!”
“Well, if you become a spirit guide you may need to go back down and you know, we don’t actually eat anything or drink anything here. But there, we may need some supportance and so you can choose between these drinks. You choose one, it’s going to be the only thing you’ll be able to drink when you go down. If you do.”
Charlie wanted to scream by then, but, but. He was in an airport full of dead people called Craphole Heaven, or something similar.
It wasn’t so crazy, maybe.
“So I’ve had enough of papaya, thanks. And drinking beer only would kind of suck. Orange juice.”
“Check orange juice. That’s okay. Ana, you’ve got the Spirit Guide Application Form?”
”Sure, boss.”
Ana handed Boone a sheet and a pen, then Boone passed the sheet to Charlie.
“Okay, compile this and then you can leave. I’ll show you around and I’ll explain you how everything works here.”
“Right mate.. guess we have the time.”
Charlie took the form and filled it all, from name, surname and birth date to you’d rather have wings or not, even if the best question was would you like to appear during drug-induced dreams only? , at which he double checked no. Then handed the sheet back to Boone, who nodded to Ana again. She took some keys and opened the cell, motioning for Charlie to leave, and he was bloody glad of doing so.
“So, now?”
“Now it’s time for a Craphole tour.”, Boone answered with a small wink and started to walk through the corridor. Charlie followed, in step with him, until they arrived at a door. Boone opened it and Charlie stepped out into the craziest place ever seen.
They were on the first floor of a big lounge; an escalator was a few metres away from them on their left, while on their right there was a cafeteria, without anyone to tend to. The floor was white and shiny, as the walls and the ceiling; the whiteness of it all was interrupted by light-blue stripes, but the effect was quite blinding before the eyes adjusted. There were a couple of check-ins in the lower part of the lounge and some people going back and forth, even if Charlie couldn’t recognize anyone.
“So what?”
“This is the first floor, which is where everyone arrives. That is the bottom floor, where you only go when you need to get out and go on Earth or something. You can also bring people here but it takes some time to learn how. You won’t have problems, though.”
“Hey, you’ve done it with Locke once?”
“Sure. Was a lot of fun, I must say. Poor John was kinda scared at the beginning and I wanted to have some fun with him anyway. And he understood about half of what he was supposed to understand but whatever. So, over there there’s the lift. Whenever you need to leave, just go to the bottom floor and go at the check in with the destination you need. It’ll be somewhere.”
“Do I get a plane to get out of here?”
“Sure not. You just walk through the door on the gate and you’ll be where you need to be instead of the plane. Anyway, that’s the bottom floor. But I should show you to the second one, which is where everyone lives. Or stays. However you like it.”
Charlie nodded and followed Boone to the nearest escalator which went up. When Boone freed his field of vision, he found himself in another enormous, circular lounge. The ceiling was made of transparent glass, showing a piercing blue sky; in the center, there were a few plants and four sofas, which looked really comfortable to tell the truth. Then, all around, there were a good deal of shops, the ones you usually find in an airport, and a nice bar with tables outside. Though Charlie could see some people inside it. some people like, two girls in a particularly friendly mood. Like Bonnie and Greta, he reasoned, but he didn’t feel much up to a meeting right then.
“Wow. Mate, this is... way cool. The trippy kind of cool, you know, but cool.”
“Well, can’t say you aren’t right. So, first thing of all, I think you need some restyling.”
“What?”
“Well, you noticed something changed in me and Ana?”
“Well, you’re both waaaaay prettier than you ever were when..”
“That’s it. You know, we should gain some advantages from our current situation, right? And no one wants a spirit guide with too long hair and worn out clothes.”
“So what I should do?”
“We go to the Craphole Beauty Saloon first, and then to the clothes shop. Luckily, being dead, we don’t need showers or stuff.”
Charlie nodded and followed Boone, not too sure but well, it wasn’t like he had anything to lose, right?
Boone opened a door of a shop for him and for a second Charlie’s world turned pink. The walls were pink, shiny pink, even if luckily it wasn’t a cotton-candy pink but more of a salmon-pink. Then he noticed some seats, pink shelves full of hair products, trails with scissors and pincers, everything you could ever desire in a women’s hairdresser shop. And then...
“Charlie!”
He turned just in time to find himself embraced tightly by something tall and lean and pink who he guessed to be Shannon, since after that he didn’t see pink anymore but golden blonde and no, she wasn’t mistakable. He hugged her back, then had a better look at her when they parted.
She wore two pink panties which showed about four fifths of her legs, long and perfect, a light pink shirt, probably no bra (well, he wasn’t that pervert, but when a girl throws herself at you, well, you got the point, right?); her hair was longer too, always blonde but much more shiny. Sand and wind weren’t much good for hair in general, he guessed. She also had a pink lipstick, the same shade as Ana’s (do they actually shop together for cosmetics or something? , he thought with a shudder) and her skin was still tanned. She wore a pair of pink sandals and damn, she really had a smile there.
“Shannon! Seems so much time since the fish...”
He abruptly shut up but she just laughed and put a hand on his shoulder.
“Yeah, I was thinking this too. So, you’re among us now? Too bad. But I can assure you it’s better than one could think. And I think you’re here because you need a haircut.”
“He says so.”
“Well, for once he’s right.”
“Shan!”
“Well, alright, you were right about pink not suiting Ana, too.”
“Shan. Please. You know my eye is better than yours for these things.”
“Like hell it is.”
“Sure, as you say. Anyway, I think you should make a short cut. And shave off that stubble.”
“Mh, I can see that the stubble doesn’t look too good. But I’m not so sure on the short cut. He’s cute, with longer hair.”
“Yeah, but we aren’t aiming for cute.”
Shannon seemed to consider it, looking straight at Boone and then at Charlie, then at Boone again.
Charlie was actually starting to feel creeped out when she nodded.
“Maybe you’re right this time, too. Though you’re a bonehead anyway.”
“Sure princess, just cut his hair, will you?”
“Yeah, alright. Listen, then we get clothes, right?”
“Well, he can’t go around like that!”
“Then I’m coming with you.”
“As it pleases you.”
Shannon nodded, than turned to Charlie, with a smile too sly for his tastes.
“Would you sit down?”
Charlie nodded and sat down on a fairly comfortable pink cushion, raising his eyes to a very pink ceiling.
The world was suddenly too pink for his tastes, but he guessed that having Shannon shaving you was a pretty good consolation for seeing pink everywhere.
--
When he looked at the mirror, he couldn’t recognize his own face. Shannon had opted for a very short cut, leaving him barely an inch of hair at all and completely cutting off his fringe, while his stubble was mostly gone except for a light shadow of it. And it looked good, he had to admit. Well, not good. Bloody good.
“How about it?”, she asked freeing him of the pink towel around his neck.
“Well, if I still had a band and we still were, you know, living, I’d have offered you a place with the crew. You’re amazing at this, even better than I was at catching fish.”
“Doesn’t take too much for that”, muttered Boone, but he was kind of smiling. Shannon looked at him and just shrugged.
“You don’t value me enough.”
“First of all I was right about the cut. And if you remember, I cut your hair when you joined me, you could show some respect.”
“Sure, bonehead. All the respect you need.”, she said washing her hands in a sink in a far corner of the shop, shaking her head. Then joined the both of them at the door.
“So, we’re going shopping?”
Boone smiled, nodded and left the shop, followed by the both of them. Charlie had an impression that it wasn’t going to be an easy thing. Or that he was going to actually choose a single item of clothing.
--
Okay, he actually didn’t expect to find himself in front of an Other dressed in a smart, gray suit who presented himself as Tom, but Boone assured him that even if he had died just minutes before Charlie did, he had the place reserved. Seemingly, the Others had developed some way to visit Craphole Heaven; Tom had been there once or twice and he had asked exactly for the clothes shop when his turn came and hey, when you die you bury axes, right? Eko was not too happy in a clothes environment, anyway.
So this Tom guy had had a look at him, nodded and said they’d find some good stuff in a section of his shop where Charlie guessed was made for a perfect rockstar-wannabe, but he didn’t even care to go near it since Boone and Shannon were doing all the work for him.
“You’re crazy, Shan. Red is so not his color! We should wait for Jack to put out all the red things!”
“Well, right, it probably suits Jack better, but it’s not like salmon pink is better.”
“It’d be a good match with his hair.”
“It’s too short to matter being a match!”
“Were they always like this?”
Charlie turned to Tom, which was looking at them both with a frown.
“Much worse, mate. Now, this is friendly.”
“Damn.”
“But why you wanted to be in charge of the clothes anyway, mate? You don’t strike me as a, uhm, clothes type.”
“There’s more to me than you see. And anyway, care to follow me? It’s not like they’re noticing. And don’t worry, no dead has bad intentions.”
Charlie nodded and followed Tom to the angle, passing Boone and Shannon, who were seeminly arguing whether ripped jeans were good for an appearance or if they were totally out of fashion.
Tom started going through clothes, finally finding something that satisfied him.
“You know”, he said, “I really was hoping for your pal Jack to show up here.”
“Jack? And why?”
“Well, you know, he’d be something to dress. And the boss there is right, I’d love to find him a burgundy shirt and have him put it on, he’d look just so good in it..”
Charlie suddenly had a flash of a conversation he had with Kate.
“One moment, were you the one who told Kate she wasn’t his type?”
“Yeah, that was me! She told you?”
“Once. Guess Jack’s more your type, huh?”
“Sure he is, my friend. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be. Anyway, that was to prove I have some taste. Hey, you two!”
Boone and Shannon turned to him, startled enough.
“What ‘bout these?”
Tom threw them a bundle of clothes. They caught about half of it each; Shannon had a black and violet shirt with short sleeves and a light leather jacket, Boone a pair of black velvet pants.
“Well, these are good. Shan, what do you say?”
“Yeah, could go. Charlie, why don’t you try them on?”
Charlie nodded and went to get the clothes, then hid in the changing room as fast as he could.
That whole situation was starting to creep him out.
--
When he came out, he sure didn’t expect such an entusiastic reaction.
“Oh wow Charlie, couldn’t you be like this when we were on the island? I sure would have thought better than using you for catching fish!”
“Shan, damnit! Anyway, she’s got a point. Man, that stuff suits you.”
“See? I said that I had to be a damn stylist! Why can’t Jack show up here once?”
Boone put a hand on Tom’s shoulder, seemingly amused.
“Well, I could bring him here. I mean, as soon as I have something confusing enough for him to reflect on.”
“Oh, I’d love it!”
“Tom?”, asked Shannon, “You don’t have any sunglasses or something?”
“Sure I do.”, he answered, still high on Boone’s promise, before going to a drawer and threw Shannon a pair of old Ray-Bans, which she handed Charlie. He put them on and the giggling started again. Boone clapped him on his shoulder while looking at his reflection in the mirror.
“I’ve got to say, you’re looking great.”
“Uhm.. thanks, mate, really, no one told me since I was around wearing eyeliner and stuff but I really am flattered or...”
“Okay, I think now you we should go to the common room. Then you’ll have seen it all. Thanks, Tom!”
“Was a pleasure! And hey, you’re going to bring Jack for a few minutes, aren’t you?”
“Sure. Count on it.”
Charlie turned, not wanting to see Tom bouncing around with seemingly hearts sparkling in his eyes, and followed Boone and Shannon to another door a bit farther from the clothes shop.
They entered in another waiting room, with three lines of quite comfortable chairs and a number of tvs on the walls. Charlie kind of startled seeing that in every screen he could see a person on the island.
Desmond was in one, on the boat, hurrying to the beach; Sawyer was in another, drinking a beer against the Dharma van; Juliet in another, seemingly digging; Bernard in another, looking at the sea with Sayid near him; Jack was saying something to Ben or Gale or whoever, Kate was near him...
“Charlie.”
He turned and almost screamed finding himself in front of Eko, who had his hair perfectly trimmed, a crispy white shirt and a black suit, which actually made a good impression.
“So, you are with us now.”, he said smiling.
“Well, mate, seems I am. Can’t say it’s bad company.”
“So you’re here!”
He turned to his left and saw Libby, dressed with a nice, blue dress, white sandals, a bit of mascara around her eyes and a very made-in-Shannon cut. She looked really beautiful, he thought while hugging her lightly. But then he was distracted by shouting.
“He’s the one who buried us!”
“I said no, Nikki! It was the other blond! The one with the porn stash or whatever..”
Charlie turned to his right to see... what were.. right, Nikki and Paulo standing near a row of seats and looking at their group once in a while, then going back to arguing. Mostly like Boone and Shannon in their worst day, Charlie thought, then dismissed them because well, Boone and Shannon were actually more pleasant to watch.
“So, what do we actually do now? I mean, we stay here in this room just watching Craphole Island’s best show?”
Boone stopped staring at Nikki and Paulo, then turned to him again.
“Well, we actually take turns. So if something important happens we can call each other and decide what we should do.”
“Because you do something?”
“Sure. Or at least, I do something since there’s only one other person here who actually goes down. Who is down right now, by the way.”
“Who?”
“Well, Scott.”
“Wait a moment, wasn’t that Steve?”
“No, it’s Scott. But he’s down there more than he is here and you probably all see him. Steve especially, they were friends or something.”
“So that’s why no one understands who’s dead and who’s not?”
“Pretty much that one.”
“Cool. Couldn’t have figured it out if I wanted.”
“That's pretty much it, but he really just makes out with Steve or mindfucks him or whatever. I showed up with Locke once but I was present a couple of other times. Though if Locke keeps on like this taking orders from the concurrence, I think I’ll really have to start showing up in Jack’s dreams.”
“Couldn’t you from the start? And what the bloody hell’s concurrence?”
“We aren’t the only.. supernatural entities here, let’s say. And the concurrence sucks, man. I know it. Hell, I died because of the concurrence. And well, Locke was going to believe me without even questioning it. You think Jack would?”
Charlie had to admit that no, he wouldn’t.
“Oh, I was forgetting something. Care to catch up? I’ll be back as soon as I do some things.”
Charlie nodded and Boone left the room; Shannon watched him until he disappeared, then turned to Charlie again.
“He actually was good at managing. Even if this isn’t a wedding company. Don’t tell him I told you.”
“Wouldn’t even think about it.”
Charlie went with the others to sit in the front row and tried to give them all a better account of what had happened on camp, even if they had seen it all. Eko filled his knowledge about the time Sawyer, Jack and Kate spent with the Others and he was deciding if it was the case to tell him about Sawyer and Locke’s encouter when Boone came back into the room, going straight to Charlie and handing him a walkie more or less like Ana’s.
“So, you use this if you ever need anyone of us who you can’t find. There is a list with the numbers on the back. Oh, and this is yours.”
Boone handed Charlie a card and, well, he had to burst up laughing.
“What? Official Craphole Spirit Guide #2?”
“Sure”, said Boone showing him one which was in his pocket, “Mine is the #1. Scott’s is a half, he really doesn’t guide anyone. It’s just for reference anyway.”
“Well, alright. Looks cool anyway. Like a presentation card. I really never had serious a presentation card, you know. Anyway, this is all?”
“Yeah, mostly. I just hope our little group won’t get bigger anytime soon, but we can only hope. In case someone does, the voice starts.”
“I noticed.”, said Charlie settling down again on his seat.
“So what now?”, he asked to no one.
“You enjoy the halls of Craphole Heaven.”, answered Shannon sitting near Boone and looking at the screen which followed Sayid, Boone’s arm around her shoulder and a kind of worried expression on her face.
Charlie thought there really wasn’t a better plan for now.
This Spirit Guide thing seemed totally cool, though.
End.