Take This Soul And Make It Sing - Dean/Castiel fic.mix
I mean, I got completely crazy. But hey, inspiration struck. And one has to do something other than nanowrimo.
Title: Take This Soul And Make It Sing
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Rating: well, let's say hard R to stay safe.
Warnings: Heavy spoilers for 4x10. I guess all the usual that goes with the pairing.
Tracks/Words: 13 tracks, 5200 words.
Notes: I have taken a couple canon liberties I guess, but nothing major. Also, damn you Kripke for making my head hurt with teleological stuff that didn't make sense in relation to the show. Misha Collins' infamous scarf of many colors makes an appearance here (idea blatantly stolen from lasamy and marylou_gr, but they know they should rant in their journals when I can read what they say ;) ). Wanna share it for some early Christmas present? ♥ also, thanks to lasamy for betaing.
Notes #2: I realize that Emmylou Harris' talking at the end of track #12 sort of ruins the effect, but I couldn't cut it and it's the best version I got. Sorry. Ignore that ;) Full covers are under the cut. And I know I overused the word 'Angel' in song titles. Sue me. And John Lennon is there because of the concept, I don't think that Dean doesn't believe in Beatles. ;)
1. Cassiel's Song by Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds
We've come to bring you home
Haven't we, Cassiel?
To cast aside your loss and all your sadness
And shuffle off that mortal coil and mortal madness
For we're here to pick you up and bring you home
Aren't we, Cassiel?
It's a place where you did not belong
Were time itself was mad and far too strong
Where life leapt up laughing and hit you head on
and hurt you, didn't it hurt you, Cassiel?
He’s the one that goes searching one year after the fall.
It’s the first time he takes hold of a body; but it’s just for a day and he doesn’t remember much when he leaves it.
It doesn’t take too much time to find her (she’s a her now; he wonders if it’s just a case or not). She’s a lovely, red-headed little girl, with those great, wide green eyes and fair, smooth, soft skin, all prettied up with this pretty green dress she's wearing with bright red flowers embroidered on the borders. As she smiles in her mother’s (not the real one, but anyway) arms, taking hold of her hair, as her mother calls her her little miracle, Castiel turns his back and searches for a secure place, where no one is around. When he finds it, it takes a second and he’s out of that Hell made of flesh and bones; he raises higher and higher until he finally can hear his companions’ voices. They say welcome home and he’s glad to be there, he really is; but for the first time, as he reaches it, the perfect whiteness and smoothness and perfection of Heaven, for a second, shows a small, insignificant crack.
Because it feels like something lacks, but he can’t place what it is. And in one hour, or maybe a minute, or maybe even a second, he has forgot and feels back in his place. As it should be. As it’s supposed to be. As God wills it.
2. God's Gonna Cut You Down by Johnny Cash
Well my goodness gracious let me tell you the news
My head's been wet with the midnight dew
I've been down on bended knee talkin' to the man from Galilee
He spoke to me in the voice so sweet
I thought I heard the shuffle of the angel's feet
He called my name and my heart stood still
When he said, "John go do My will"
Go tell that long tongue liar
Go and tell that midnight rider
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down
He hasn’t told where she is.
Well, there wasn’t any need. There aren’t any secrets when you’re in Heaven. But he has never exactly told.
Time has passed. Time has passed and sometimes he wonders if the others have just forgot, even if falling isn’t the lightest of crimes. Then Uriel visits and he knows it’s time. He says she has started to hear them and this has to be put to a stop. Castiel says yes, of course; it’s not like he can question the rules, even if lately he has come to wonder whether it’s such a crime in moments when he was sure no one was going to listen.
He wonders when are they going to take care of it, he knows it’s his place to; but suddenly there comes another order that says wait.
And they wait. They wait what is two months in human time, or something close to that. And then there are orders for Castiel, but they don’t concern her. Not yet, anyway. The orders say go to Hell and drag a Dean Winchester out. It says why and it says what this Dean is supposed to do and what are the plans and everything.
Uriel brings the orders. Castiel asks him if it’s necessary for him to go on Earth when he’s done; Uriel just gives him a name, some devout man praying for salvation. Castiel then says of course and Hell isn’t really that hard to reach.
3. Send Me An Angel by Scorpions
The wise man said just raise your hand
And reach out for the spell
Find the door to the promised land
Just believe in yourself
Hear this voice from deep inside
Its the call of your heart
Close your eyes and your will find
The way out of the dark
Here I am
Will you send me an angel
Here I am
In the land of the morning star
Dean keeps his eyes closed when Alastair isn’t watching.
It’s not that it makes things better. It doesn’t. It doesn’t change that he’s ripping skin away under his nails, it doesn’t change that in a little while he’ll have eyes crushed beneath his fingers and he’ll have to open his own because he isn’t supposed not to watch, it doesn’t change that while at the beginning he felt relief hearing others screaming because he wasn’t anymore, now every single screams tears through his heart as much as being in their place felt.
But still, he doesn’t have to see it. Then he just feels Alastair approaching and his eyes open on reflex, but he doesn’t have time to watch the abomination he’s doing himself; there’s a noise coming from behind him and he turns and watches a white light wiping away everything in front of him, coming closer and closer and closer. He wonders what it is, for where it has come, if it means that finally someone has heard his prayers and will just make everything end in the still darkness of some black hole as he has been wishing since he ended up in here.
And then the light goes straight towards him and his weary eyes can make out a vaguely human shape. He wonders if he could watch it at all, if he was alive. He doubts it.
And then the light speaks and its voice is deep, going straight through him, shaking all over.
“Are you ready to go?”
“Go where?” he whispers, not understanding. This thing isn’t a demon. It can’t be. And if it isn’t, what business would it have with him?
“Out of here.”
He doesn’t know what it means, if better or worse, or what it is, or what is happening, but nothing can be worse than this. He nods and then the light takes a clearer shape, a hand, a human hand; it touches his shoulder and the touchs burns as the fire of Hell did except that there’s something going straight through him that’s making him feel almost at peace, almost like there’s nothing going on (and wasn’t it what he wished for?). And then that hand closes tightly and grips him and they’re going up, up, up and then he wakes up in the dark, wood above him, his body in one piece and he doesn’t remember anything from the moment in which he opened his eyes.
4. Something To Believe In by Bon Jovi
I lost all faith in my God, in his religion too
I told the angels they could sing their songs to someone new
I lost all trust in my friends, I watched my heart turn to stone
I thought that I was left to walk this wicked world alone (...)
Though I know I won't win
I'll take this one on the chin
We'll raise a toast and I'll pretend
I got something to believe in
If I don't believe in Jesus, how can I believe the Pope
If I don't believe in heroin, how can I believe the dope
If there's nothing but survival, how can I believe in sin
In a world that gives you nothing, we need something to believe in
It’s either a joke or bullshit.
It can’t be. It just can’t be and it makes no sense. All his life, Dean has never believed in angels. Or God. Or anything of the sort. Sam had enough belief for the two of them and Dean just doesn’t get why they wouldn’t go to him first. Damnit, he might have had the temptation to go darkside or still have it or still could, but Dean is pretty sure that if some angel of the Lord appeared in front of him telling that he should stop doing that and become their avenger, he’d have done it without even breathing first.
So why him? That’s crazy. It’s just crazy. And how the hell he’s supposed to believe in an angel saving his ass when he doesn’t even believe in God to begin with?
He realizes it sounds harsh; he realizes it sounds cruel. He realizes it sounds pretty ungrateful, too, but the point is that he has already lost too much to allow himself to jump into something so big. He just can’t. And the problem is that he just can’t allow himself because he knows he’s going to get burned. And please allow him some brooding moment because it’s not like his life isn’t a series of losses of the great and small kind and that he hasn’t even managed to keep safe once the only person that has never really failed him until now (guess who) and who he might as well lose now because of that demon bitch.
Anyway.
He knows this whole coming-back-from-Hell business is a miracle. That’s exactly why he won’t call it that way if he’s not forced to; miracles don’t happen, in Dean Winchester’s life. And as soon as he gives in, someone will make him pay the bill with double interest. He just knows it. He wishes he could trust this holy tax accountant person. He really wishes he could. He really wishes he could believe in what he says because before it was fine to believe in nothing except himself, but now he really isn’t allowed. He should respect himself enough to believe in himself first and he doesn’t. He wonders whether just pretending everything Castiel says is true and going with it would work.
He just fears it wouldn’t. He seals the thought with a drink and toasts to the new mess his life is.
5. Ask The Angels by Patti Smith
Ask the angels who they're calling,
Go ask the angels if they're calling to thee
Ask the angels while they're falling
Who that person could possibly be
And I know you got the feeling,
You know, I feel it crawl across the floor
And I know it got you reelin'
And honey honey the call is for war
And it's wild wild wild wild (...)
Ask the angels if they're startin' to move
Comin' in droves in from L.A.
Ask the angels if they're starting to groove
Lightning as armor and it's today
It's wild wild wild wild
“Okay. I... just... can I ask you something? And I’d just... like this conversation to be... just, let’s not play games, okay?”
Castiel looks at Dean and nods seriously; Dean takes a breath, figuring that he really needs answers right now.
“Is she back with you?”
“Yes,” Castiel says, and doesn’t add anything. Fine, Dean figures, I probably don’t want to hear anything else.
“Good. So, you fall because you can’t feel?”
“It’s not that we can’t. We just don’t feel as you humans feel.”
Dean is sure that Castiel isn’t telling him something, but that’s fine enough.
“Good. So, your friend there says bullshit and I’m not replaceable, or I am?”
“You aren’t. We need you. You know there’s going to be a war, it’s going to be soon, and all I know is that you have to be there with Sam or we won’t have much hope. Well, we wouldn’t have any.”
“Right. Guess I can be alright with it. So, world’s ending?”
“Only if you don’t help us saving it.”
“But why me?”
“Dean, you just don’t value yourself enough.”
For a second there’s a tension that Dean feels, so thick and strong that he can almost touch it, like Castiel wants to do something and he can’t or he’s resisting or he just won’t; then he speaks again, almost a whisper.
“Get ready. It’ll be soon.”
Then he’s gone as freaking usual and Dean looks at the empty room in front of him, his heart beating wildly and he doesn’t even know why.
6. Gotta Serve Somebody by Bob Dylan
You might be a rock 'n' roll addict prancing on the stage,
You might have drugs at your command, women in a cage,
You may be a business man or some high degree thief,
They may call you Doctor or they may call you Chief
But you're gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed
You're gonna have to serve somebody,
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you're gonna have to serve somebody
He had expected for things to happen sooner. They haven’t. Castiel doesn’t know whether it’s a good thing or a bad one; he just knows that the more time he spends on Earth in his human form the more he understands, maybe, why Anna decided to do what she did.
He has been starting to wonder how that pie Dean eats tastes like (they can’t feel any taste, not really), he can admit to himself without much hesitation that he had been jealous when she and Dean had kissed. He doesn’t know why exactly, or of what or whom he was jealous in that moment. But he just was and it was dangerously close to the edge. He’s glad that no one can hear him from down here, though; not even Uriel, if he isn’t near.
And then one day when he shows up near Dean, Dean says that it was about time and he throws a plastic bag with Wal Mart written on at him. He catches is and doesn’t know what does it mean.
“What’s this?”
“Peace offering.”
Castiel opens the bag carefully and takes out a wool scarf; the bulk is a dark red with some violet shade, while the borders are equally divided in purple, red and light violet stripes. The bag falls to the ground as he turns it between his hands.
“Is there... uhm... any particular reason for which you chose this?”
“Nope. Not really. Seen it, thought it’d bring some less monotony with that trench of yours and while I’m sure you don’t feel cold, your body probably does. And it’s getting cold. But well, if you don’t like it I’ll just change it.”
Castiel thinks he’s too quick while he says he likes it. He doesn’t know if he likes it, really, it depends on what you mean with liking, but he’s feeling a certain warmth spreading through this body that isn’t his but feels like it’s his and he can’t say it feels wrong. He puts the thing on tentatively, thinking that he probably looks ridiculous, but Dean looks more relieved than anything else and that’s fine. Just fine.
“Even though I’m sure it isn’t just a peace offering. Right?”
“Got me. How do you do that? Well, listen, I’m saying this now and not ever again. Got it?”
“Got it.”
“There’s this friggin’ war and I know it’s gonna happen soon. And I know I need to take sides.”
“Well, you need that. I was hoping you were going to take ours.”
“That’s the thing. Listen. I don’t really like that friend of yours, and there’s stuff that really doesn’t convince me, but well... let’s say that I think that you kind of do. For the obvious reasons and all. And it looks like you’re a reasonable... angel, person, being, whatever. So I’m not on your side as your whole Angels United Squad thing, I’m on your side meaning you. Fine? Got it?”
“Got it,” he answers, and he turns his face to hide the small smile that can’t help spreading over his lips. Well, maybe the scarf was covering it to begin with.
7. If It Be Your Will by Leonard Cohen
If it be your will
That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until
I am spoken for
If it be your will (...)
And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light
In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will
And then it starts and Uriel has to go back up there because that’s where he’s supposed to be and Castiel has to stay here because it’s where he’s supposed to be; the sky has been raining fire for two days and it doesn’t take much to know it’ll be over, for bad or for good, on day three.
This is night two, though, and they’re in some motel near where the gates of Hell opened for the first time; they meaning Castiel, Dean and Sam. Sam is sleeping, dead to the world, and Dean wonders how he can manage that. He also envies him, actually; he wishes he could sleep. He can’t. He just can’t and the fact that the sky is still raining fire even if it’s supposed to be night, well, that’s upsetting him, too.
Castiel stands near him; Dean can’t help noticing the infamous scarf folded neatly on a nearby seat.
“So that’s it?”
“That’s it.”
“So, we’re dying tomorrow?”
“Maybe we are. Maybe we aren’t.”
And then Dean can see Castiel biting his tongue in order not to say something and he’s tired. Sincerely tired.
“Holy tax accountant, Apocalypse’s tomorrow. If there’s something you gotta tell me, just fucking do it.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah, fuck, I am.”
“Then just don’t speak. Don’t say anything.”
“... What?”
“Just don’t,” Castiel says, and then his lips cover Dean’s and while it’s barely more than a peck because only those touch, there’s no tongue, there’s not even touching of any other kind, Dean feels a certain warmth and calm fill him up, making his tense muscles relax, there’s electricity running through every inch of him and then Castiel’s lips are gone and it’s over.
“What was it for?” he asks almost disbelievingly.
“It’s been eating me up,” is the answer that he gets and Dean suddenly knows what and why and because and he nods and he doesn’t speak; he just takes the trench into his hands and slowly drags Castiel forward until they’re kissing again and that exquisite sensation of peace takes hold of him again.
8. Yahweh by U2
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing (...)
Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist no
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss (...)
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?
And then it doesn’t stop.
It’s in the bathroom because now Dean just doesn’t want to wake up Sam and he doesn’t really try to think about anything except this and how it feels; if he did, he’d probably stop. Even if he can’t help asking the last questions, just when Castiel’s hands are roaming under his shirt and his jacket is already on the floor.
“Wouldn’t this make you fall?”
“It isn’t that easy. This... well, might not exactly be allowed, but it isn’t enough. I have to want it. Falling, I mean.”
“But aren’t you supposed not to feel?”
“This is my human form, Dean.”
And then Castiel’s lips are there on his jaw, hovering across it slightly, and for one with no such experience, angels learn fast.
It’s when Castiel’s hand goes to the scar on his shoulder that Dean finally feels it; he doesn’t know what it is but it’s like something is clicking inside his head, something that hadn’t clicked before, and he remembers that same hand grabbing him and fill his soul with something that might not be grace but in his case came very close to it and now it’s warm there, warmer than the rest of his body (which is pretty hot to begin with but well, you see the point), making him feel cleaner than he has ever felt since he woke up in a coffin five months ago. Or so.
For a second the sky out of the window isn’t dripping with fire anymore but is just dark as it’s supposed to be, before the bright light explodes again and Dean thinks that maybe their time is up, but Castiel doesn’t speed up, not really; Dean captures Castiel’s lips in his again, brushing and then kissing slowly, while Castiel’s hand is already down. His moan of pleasure dies in a kiss that he doesn’t have the strength to break as Castiel’s fingers wrap around his cock; Dean just brings his hands to Castiel’s face and holds it there, kissing until he’s sure both of their lips are swollen, as his hips thrust forward into Castiel’s hand, as he comes with Castiel’s other hand still holding onto his shoulder for dear life.
If it feels like his soul is singing right now, he just doesn’t think about it.
9. The Black Angel's Death Song by Velvet Underground
The myriad choices of his fate
Set themselves out upon a plate
For him to choose
What had he to lose
Not a ghost bloodied country
All covered with sleep
Where the black angel did weep
Not an old city street in the east
Gone to choose
And wandering's brother
Walked on through the night
Fire isn’t bleeding from the sky anymore, but it doesn’t change the fact that if Castiel looks up, he sees red. He hasn’t seen Uriel since he left four days ago, but he feels his presence near him for a second and there’s a whisper in his ear as in the midst of the confusion Uriel whispers, you have to choose now. Castiel nods and Uriel is gone in a blink of an eye; for a second it had felt like they were home again, now it’s just his shoes getting soaked in thick, dark red blood.
Last night might have been a mistake or not, but he knows why she fell now and he can’t say he doesn’t understand her. He does understand her now, so much, and he knows why it’s worth it, even if the other plate weights more. What’s imperfection and death and unknown against your very nature, against Heaven, against the perfection of his kind?
He casts a look on the other side of the field as the demon in front of him falls; he can clearly see Sam Winchester doing something pretty dangerous, but he’s far away and Castiel thinks that Sam is going straight into the heart of the battle from what he sees. Not a very intelligent move, maybe, but after all he’s on their side. Who knows.
As he tries to head there, Castiel remembers Heaven not looking as perfect for a second once, though; he wonders how would it feel like if he were to go back now.
That really isn’t an easy choice, and then he notices that his trench is torn and covered in blood and then there’s a cry that almost tears his human ears apart coming from where he saw Sam heading before; the sky becomes white and for a second he notices Dean near there dropping whatever he had in his hand, ducking and closing his eyes as the white light spreads far, covering them all.
Castiel just can’t rule out Sam having something to do with this.
10. Leap Of Faith by Bruce Springsteen
All over the world the rain was pourin'
I was scratchin' where it itched
Oh heartbreak and despair got nothing but boring
So I grabbed you baby like a wild pitch
It takes a leap of faith to get things going
It takes a leap of faith you gotta show some guts
It takes a leap of faith to get things going
In your heart you must trust (...)
Tonight the moon's looking young but I'm feelin' younger
'Neath a veil of dreams sweet blessings rain
Honey I can feel the first breeze of summer
And in your love I'm born again
It’s ironic if you think about it, and Castiel has come to appreciate irony to some degree by now.
When he raised Dean from Hell, the sky was blazing with red fire, tornadoes were of a deep, dark scarlet, you could hear thunder in the distance; right now there’s regular rain pouring down on them, washing blood away as bodies dissolve into thin air. There’s some tornado in the distance, of a striking white, you can hear thunder in the distance. Dean is standing near him, drenching wet, blood washing off his face. Sam isn’t anywhere to be seen, but it doesn’t mean nothing. It was a big field.
And if he goes back to Heaven now, which is what everyone of his kind who isn’t dead has done already, he’ll have made his choice. But there’s some itch inside him which has got to a degree where he can’t ignore it anymore; he just wants to grab Dean and kiss him like he did last night, but he doesn’t know if he would agree to that, just now.
“I though you were going to go.”
“When I came here, I thought I was too.”
“Why, you aren’t?”
“I don’t know.” It’s the most earnest answer he can give Dean. He doesn’t know. He just doesn’t know. He can’t help shaking last night out of his head, when Dean’s presence beneath him had felt more real than a lot of things that should have come first for him. He can’t just help thinking about what would happen if he really did it. After all, it’s not obligatory to be born again; there are ways and ways. It’s just that it would be like jumping into the unknown and really, does he want it?
And most of all, would Dean be there after he fell? He hates this. He hates not understanding what he feels like. He hates it.
“What’s goin’ on in there? Your head, I mean.”
“I’m thinking. Should I take a leap of faith or not?”
“You told me the same thing once. Not the same words, maybe, but that was the concept.”
“I probably did.”
“Don’t tell me that you’re thinking what I’m thinking you’re thinking.”
“I probably am.”
“It’s stupid.”
“I know.”
“You’d ruin yourself.”
“I know.”
“They would hunt you down.”
“I doubt it after what happened.”
“It’s crazy.”
“I never said it was not, but... I’ve been wondering how that pie of yours tastes like.”
Dean laughs then, and Castiel can feel that heart which isn’t his but could as well be by now beating fast. So damn fast.
“God, you’re crazy.”
“Would I find you if I did?”
“Man, just know that wherever I go, Sam goes.”
Castiel doesn’t know why it feels like a yes; he would kiss Dean, he really would, but it’s not time.
“Well, then see you.”
“Where are you going?”
“I need to find someplace high.”
Dean’s answer is lost on him as he walks through the blessing rain falling over his head. He’s far enough when he sees Sam waking up, his forehead bloody but otherwise looking fine. He looks in the direction he’s coming from, then walks away. He doesn’t know if he’ll have the necessary guts to do it, but he thinks it might just be worth it.
11. Every Grain Of Sand by Emmylou Harris
In the time of my confession, in the hour of my deepest need
When the pool of tears beneath my feet flood every newborn seed
There's a dyin' voice within me reaching out somewhere,
Toiling in the danger and in the morals of despair
Don't have the inclination to look back on any mistake,
Like Cain, I now behold this chain of events that I must break.
In the fury of the moment I can see the Master's hand
In every leaf that trembles and, in every grain of sand
It’s strange that he has understood what Castiel meant when he said bullshit like God is in everything just now that he’s gone.
Dean got that the day when he left under the pouring rain. If he had seen any white light in the sky, it might have been lightening. It might have been anything. Sam still hadn’t found him, he had been just standing there thinking that he had known it all before, since it looked like everyone was gone as usual.
Then he had felt something within him stirring, he doesn’t even get what and he had suddenly felt that maybe it wasn’t right, maybe he could have been wrong for once, and then Sam had showed up still in one piece beside him.
Sure, two days passed until he spoke a fucking full sentence, but Dean wasn’t just about to complain.
When Sam asks him about Castiel, he tells the truth. Then Sam asks him whether he thinks that Castiel really fell on his own decision and Dean replies that he doesn’t have a fucking idea, but if he did, Sam will have someone to teach hunting to. Sam just smiles and says fine, whatever, no problem, and Dean isn’t really sure that he believes his ears, but he lets it go.
And then it gets crazy because he really starts feeling the whole God is in everything business, or maybe a certain (former?) angel of the Lord is in everything. He feels that damned holy tax accountant’s presence beside him wherever he goes whatever he does even more than before, when said holy tax accountant probably was watching him and now he can’t. Well, he wouldn’t be human if he could, while if he’s back home already he probably doesn’t even care anymore.
So it’s stupid that he feels him beneath everything he touches, in the grains of sand he grabs when he’s near a lake once; as stupid as anything. He doesn’t tell Sam, though; he isn’t sure he wouldn’t sound nuts.
Then one day he decides that it’s fucking time and tells Sam that he’s going to the Grand Canyon and if Sam doesn’t want to, he can fuck off. Sam just smiles and nods and they get into the car and go.
If that sensation of feeling Castiel behind every fucking rock is stronger when they finally get there, Dean blames it on him being stressed out. Then he sees a familiar silhouette in the distance while he and Sam are grabbing something to eat from this dude who sells hamburgers near the national park’s entrance and he almost drops his to the ground. He takes a couple of bites and doesn’t move after they get in with a bunch of other people. He doesn’t see Sam rolling his eyes before pulling him forward to join the group in front of them.
12. Return Of The Grievous Angel by Ryan Adams (and Emmylou Harris)
Billboards and truckstops pass by the grievous angel
And now I know just what I have to do
'Cause I headed west to grow up with the country
Across those valleys with those waves of grain
And I saw my devil and I saw my deep blue sea (...)
Oh, and I remember something you once told me
And I'll be damned if it did not come true
Twenty thousand roads I went down, down, down
And they all lead me straight back home to you.
So he had found a place high enough; he left his body and then it really was like someone was ripping a kidney off him with a knife in the second he hit the ground. It was a sharp, sharp and deep pain like he had never experienced and that he won’t surely experience ever again, it was a feeling of being ripped apart from the inside and for a second, before hitting the ground, he had thought that he was just really going to disappear instead of coming back on Earth.
He wakes up in his old body. When he sees the deep scar above his heart, he realizes that some demon must have killed it during the last battle; he wishes he could ask whether his vessel’s soul was saved as he was wishing for, but there’s no way now.
He doesn’t know how much time has passed; when he finds a newsstand, he realizes that it’s been a month after since battle and he’s in South Dakota as he was when he still was an angel.
In the motel, someone threw his scarf in a box full of stuff forgotten in the rooms. He picks it up and no one notices. There’s some money in the pocket of his coat. The first thing he does is getting into a diner and ordering himself some apple pie. It tastes delicious, but after all he doesn’t have much to compare it with. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t taste delicious anyway.
He knows they won’t be here; now that’d be assuming too much. The problem is that he has asked Dean whether he’d still be there in case he found him, but doesn’t know how the hell he’s ever going to find him without money and documents.
Well, he still has the documents of his vessel and still has his wallet; he solves on only using those and only the money that is in there and then he’ll be on his own, he guesses.
Two months go by. He goes around by bus, manages to put some money together whenever he sees some help needed for a short while sign around if he knows that he can do the job; he roams across half of the country before he remembers some Grand Canyon talking Dean made once.
He doesn’t know why he had the idea just now, but hey, it’s enough that he had it. He jumps on the first bus going to Arizona and he figures it’s really not a coincidence when he sees Dean and Sam in the group of people that got into the park after his.
He smiles as he sees Sam clearly pushing Dean forward; he slips beside him as they walk along the path that most of the other tourists follow.
“So you found me.” Dean breaks the silence and he just nods.
“Guess I did.”
“I won’t ask why you’re here like this and not like her.”
“I don’t even know if I could explain it to you.”
“Fair enough. So, you’re already having second thoughts?”
“If I had them, I guess that pie of yours would be enough to keep me here.”
Dean then breaks into a laugh so genuine and carefree that Castiel has to stop walking, unable to tear his eyes off him. For a second he wishes there wasn’t anyone around.
“What’s so fun about it?”
“Oh, I just thought that Sammy’s gonna go insane when he hears it. In the bad sense.”
Castiel swears to himself not to ever back Dean up on the pie subject, even if he doesn’t tell it. At one point Dean’s hand randomly (or maybe not) finds his and he lets things be.
--
13. God by John Lennon
God is a concept,
By which we can measure,
Our pain,
I'll say it again,
God is a concept,
By which we can measure,
Our pain,
I don't believe in magic,
I don't believe in I-ching,
I don't believe in bible (...)
I just believe in me,
And that's reality.
The dream is over,
What can I say?
The dream is over,
Yesterday,
I was dreamweaver,
But now I'm reborn (...)
And so dear friends,
You just have to carry on,
The dream is over
One day, while Dean is getting lunch in some diner and the other two are in the car, Sam suddenly turns to Castiel from the front seat and asks him a question.
“How different it is?”
Castiel shrugs, looking up at him.
“I can’t explain. Sometimes... Anna told you about only four of us seeing God, right?”
“You haven’t?”
“I haven’t. Sometimes... it almost seems like a dream. Like I was there and wasn’t there. It wasn’t like this when I fell first.”
“It means you are forgetting?”
“I don’t think I ever will. But... it all looks more like a concept than anything else right now.”
“But you know it isn’t.”
Not a question.
“No, I know it isn’t. But it just feels that way. Like it was a dream, it’s over, this is reality and the concept is all that remains.”
“Fair enough. So you wouldn’t say you believe in God right now?”
Castiel shakes his head lightly; that’s too hard of a question to ask on some lost place on the Jersey Turnpike searching for some Jersey Devil thing. Well, those two guys’ life is a crazy one, no wondering about that. He wonders if he’d have fell knowing what he was signing up for.
He probably would have anyway.
“For now I just... believe in this. Me. Your brother. You. Whatever it is.”
He can see Sam smiling in the rearview mirror.
“I think I get it.”
Then Dean opens the door of the car quite loudly and passes Sam a white paper bag and another one to Castiel.
“There’s your vegetarian stuff and there’s your pie. They got some excellent ones in there. And please, don’t tell me you two were fucking philosophizing again.”
Castiel doesn’t answer since he’s kind of eating and kind of enjoying that delicious strawberry pie that Dean gently chose since he’s the expert. Sam looks way too guilty not to give it away.
“Oh, you’re both going to make me go crazy. You and the fucking Jersey Devil.”
The he starts the car up, Bad Company (or so Castiel thinks they’re called) start up from the speakers and well, this might be a completely crazy life but he thinks it’s pretty good, all things considered.
End.
Whole zip with the music and covers >>Here<<.
Pheeewww.
Title: Take This Soul And Make It Sing
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Rating: well, let's say hard R to stay safe.
Warnings: Heavy spoilers for 4x10. I guess all the usual that goes with the pairing.
Tracks/Words: 13 tracks, 5200 words.
Notes: I have taken a couple canon liberties I guess, but nothing major. Also, damn you Kripke for making my head hurt with teleological stuff that didn't make sense in relation to the show. Misha Collins' infamous scarf of many colors makes an appearance here (idea blatantly stolen from lasamy and marylou_gr, but they know they should rant in their journals when I can read what they say ;) ). Wanna share it for some early Christmas present? ♥ also, thanks to lasamy for betaing.
Notes #2: I realize that Emmylou Harris' talking at the end of track #12 sort of ruins the effect, but I couldn't cut it and it's the best version I got. Sorry. Ignore that ;) Full covers are under the cut. And I know I overused the word 'Angel' in song titles. Sue me. And John Lennon is there because of the concept, I don't think that Dean doesn't believe in Beatles. ;)
1. Cassiel's Song by Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds
We've come to bring you home
Haven't we, Cassiel?
To cast aside your loss and all your sadness
And shuffle off that mortal coil and mortal madness
For we're here to pick you up and bring you home
Aren't we, Cassiel?
It's a place where you did not belong
Were time itself was mad and far too strong
Where life leapt up laughing and hit you head on
and hurt you, didn't it hurt you, Cassiel?
He’s the one that goes searching one year after the fall.
It’s the first time he takes hold of a body; but it’s just for a day and he doesn’t remember much when he leaves it.
It doesn’t take too much time to find her (she’s a her now; he wonders if it’s just a case or not). She’s a lovely, red-headed little girl, with those great, wide green eyes and fair, smooth, soft skin, all prettied up with this pretty green dress she's wearing with bright red flowers embroidered on the borders. As she smiles in her mother’s (not the real one, but anyway) arms, taking hold of her hair, as her mother calls her her little miracle, Castiel turns his back and searches for a secure place, where no one is around. When he finds it, it takes a second and he’s out of that Hell made of flesh and bones; he raises higher and higher until he finally can hear his companions’ voices. They say welcome home and he’s glad to be there, he really is; but for the first time, as he reaches it, the perfect whiteness and smoothness and perfection of Heaven, for a second, shows a small, insignificant crack.
Because it feels like something lacks, but he can’t place what it is. And in one hour, or maybe a minute, or maybe even a second, he has forgot and feels back in his place. As it should be. As it’s supposed to be. As God wills it.
2. God's Gonna Cut You Down by Johnny Cash
Well my goodness gracious let me tell you the news
My head's been wet with the midnight dew
I've been down on bended knee talkin' to the man from Galilee
He spoke to me in the voice so sweet
I thought I heard the shuffle of the angel's feet
He called my name and my heart stood still
When he said, "John go do My will"
Go tell that long tongue liar
Go and tell that midnight rider
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down
He hasn’t told where she is.
Well, there wasn’t any need. There aren’t any secrets when you’re in Heaven. But he has never exactly told.
Time has passed. Time has passed and sometimes he wonders if the others have just forgot, even if falling isn’t the lightest of crimes. Then Uriel visits and he knows it’s time. He says she has started to hear them and this has to be put to a stop. Castiel says yes, of course; it’s not like he can question the rules, even if lately he has come to wonder whether it’s such a crime in moments when he was sure no one was going to listen.
He wonders when are they going to take care of it, he knows it’s his place to; but suddenly there comes another order that says wait.
And they wait. They wait what is two months in human time, or something close to that. And then there are orders for Castiel, but they don’t concern her. Not yet, anyway. The orders say go to Hell and drag a Dean Winchester out. It says why and it says what this Dean is supposed to do and what are the plans and everything.
Uriel brings the orders. Castiel asks him if it’s necessary for him to go on Earth when he’s done; Uriel just gives him a name, some devout man praying for salvation. Castiel then says of course and Hell isn’t really that hard to reach.
3. Send Me An Angel by Scorpions
The wise man said just raise your hand
And reach out for the spell
Find the door to the promised land
Just believe in yourself
Hear this voice from deep inside
Its the call of your heart
Close your eyes and your will find
The way out of the dark
Here I am
Will you send me an angel
Here I am
In the land of the morning star
Dean keeps his eyes closed when Alastair isn’t watching.
It’s not that it makes things better. It doesn’t. It doesn’t change that he’s ripping skin away under his nails, it doesn’t change that in a little while he’ll have eyes crushed beneath his fingers and he’ll have to open his own because he isn’t supposed not to watch, it doesn’t change that while at the beginning he felt relief hearing others screaming because he wasn’t anymore, now every single screams tears through his heart as much as being in their place felt.
But still, he doesn’t have to see it. Then he just feels Alastair approaching and his eyes open on reflex, but he doesn’t have time to watch the abomination he’s doing himself; there’s a noise coming from behind him and he turns and watches a white light wiping away everything in front of him, coming closer and closer and closer. He wonders what it is, for where it has come, if it means that finally someone has heard his prayers and will just make everything end in the still darkness of some black hole as he has been wishing since he ended up in here.
And then the light goes straight towards him and his weary eyes can make out a vaguely human shape. He wonders if he could watch it at all, if he was alive. He doubts it.
And then the light speaks and its voice is deep, going straight through him, shaking all over.
“Are you ready to go?”
“Go where?” he whispers, not understanding. This thing isn’t a demon. It can’t be. And if it isn’t, what business would it have with him?
“Out of here.”
He doesn’t know what it means, if better or worse, or what it is, or what is happening, but nothing can be worse than this. He nods and then the light takes a clearer shape, a hand, a human hand; it touches his shoulder and the touchs burns as the fire of Hell did except that there’s something going straight through him that’s making him feel almost at peace, almost like there’s nothing going on (and wasn’t it what he wished for?). And then that hand closes tightly and grips him and they’re going up, up, up and then he wakes up in the dark, wood above him, his body in one piece and he doesn’t remember anything from the moment in which he opened his eyes.
4. Something To Believe In by Bon Jovi
I lost all faith in my God, in his religion too
I told the angels they could sing their songs to someone new
I lost all trust in my friends, I watched my heart turn to stone
I thought that I was left to walk this wicked world alone (...)
Though I know I won't win
I'll take this one on the chin
We'll raise a toast and I'll pretend
I got something to believe in
If I don't believe in Jesus, how can I believe the Pope
If I don't believe in heroin, how can I believe the dope
If there's nothing but survival, how can I believe in sin
In a world that gives you nothing, we need something to believe in
It’s either a joke or bullshit.
It can’t be. It just can’t be and it makes no sense. All his life, Dean has never believed in angels. Or God. Or anything of the sort. Sam had enough belief for the two of them and Dean just doesn’t get why they wouldn’t go to him first. Damnit, he might have had the temptation to go darkside or still have it or still could, but Dean is pretty sure that if some angel of the Lord appeared in front of him telling that he should stop doing that and become their avenger, he’d have done it without even breathing first.
So why him? That’s crazy. It’s just crazy. And how the hell he’s supposed to believe in an angel saving his ass when he doesn’t even believe in God to begin with?
He realizes it sounds harsh; he realizes it sounds cruel. He realizes it sounds pretty ungrateful, too, but the point is that he has already lost too much to allow himself to jump into something so big. He just can’t. And the problem is that he just can’t allow himself because he knows he’s going to get burned. And please allow him some brooding moment because it’s not like his life isn’t a series of losses of the great and small kind and that he hasn’t even managed to keep safe once the only person that has never really failed him until now (guess who) and who he might as well lose now because of that demon bitch.
Anyway.
He knows this whole coming-back-from-Hell business is a miracle. That’s exactly why he won’t call it that way if he’s not forced to; miracles don’t happen, in Dean Winchester’s life. And as soon as he gives in, someone will make him pay the bill with double interest. He just knows it. He wishes he could trust this holy tax accountant person. He really wishes he could. He really wishes he could believe in what he says because before it was fine to believe in nothing except himself, but now he really isn’t allowed. He should respect himself enough to believe in himself first and he doesn’t. He wonders whether just pretending everything Castiel says is true and going with it would work.
He just fears it wouldn’t. He seals the thought with a drink and toasts to the new mess his life is.
5. Ask The Angels by Patti Smith
Ask the angels who they're calling,
Go ask the angels if they're calling to thee
Ask the angels while they're falling
Who that person could possibly be
And I know you got the feeling,
You know, I feel it crawl across the floor
And I know it got you reelin'
And honey honey the call is for war
And it's wild wild wild wild (...)
Ask the angels if they're startin' to move
Comin' in droves in from L.A.
Ask the angels if they're starting to groove
Lightning as armor and it's today
It's wild wild wild wild
“Okay. I... just... can I ask you something? And I’d just... like this conversation to be... just, let’s not play games, okay?”
Castiel looks at Dean and nods seriously; Dean takes a breath, figuring that he really needs answers right now.
“Is she back with you?”
“Yes,” Castiel says, and doesn’t add anything. Fine, Dean figures, I probably don’t want to hear anything else.
“Good. So, you fall because you can’t feel?”
“It’s not that we can’t. We just don’t feel as you humans feel.”
Dean is sure that Castiel isn’t telling him something, but that’s fine enough.
“Good. So, your friend there says bullshit and I’m not replaceable, or I am?”
“You aren’t. We need you. You know there’s going to be a war, it’s going to be soon, and all I know is that you have to be there with Sam or we won’t have much hope. Well, we wouldn’t have any.”
“Right. Guess I can be alright with it. So, world’s ending?”
“Only if you don’t help us saving it.”
“But why me?”
“Dean, you just don’t value yourself enough.”
For a second there’s a tension that Dean feels, so thick and strong that he can almost touch it, like Castiel wants to do something and he can’t or he’s resisting or he just won’t; then he speaks again, almost a whisper.
“Get ready. It’ll be soon.”
Then he’s gone as freaking usual and Dean looks at the empty room in front of him, his heart beating wildly and he doesn’t even know why.
6. Gotta Serve Somebody by Bob Dylan
You might be a rock 'n' roll addict prancing on the stage,
You might have drugs at your command, women in a cage,
You may be a business man or some high degree thief,
They may call you Doctor or they may call you Chief
But you're gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed
You're gonna have to serve somebody,
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you're gonna have to serve somebody
He had expected for things to happen sooner. They haven’t. Castiel doesn’t know whether it’s a good thing or a bad one; he just knows that the more time he spends on Earth in his human form the more he understands, maybe, why Anna decided to do what she did.
He has been starting to wonder how that pie Dean eats tastes like (they can’t feel any taste, not really), he can admit to himself without much hesitation that he had been jealous when she and Dean had kissed. He doesn’t know why exactly, or of what or whom he was jealous in that moment. But he just was and it was dangerously close to the edge. He’s glad that no one can hear him from down here, though; not even Uriel, if he isn’t near.
And then one day when he shows up near Dean, Dean says that it was about time and he throws a plastic bag with Wal Mart written on at him. He catches is and doesn’t know what does it mean.
“What’s this?”
“Peace offering.”
Castiel opens the bag carefully and takes out a wool scarf; the bulk is a dark red with some violet shade, while the borders are equally divided in purple, red and light violet stripes. The bag falls to the ground as he turns it between his hands.
“Is there... uhm... any particular reason for which you chose this?”
“Nope. Not really. Seen it, thought it’d bring some less monotony with that trench of yours and while I’m sure you don’t feel cold, your body probably does. And it’s getting cold. But well, if you don’t like it I’ll just change it.”
Castiel thinks he’s too quick while he says he likes it. He doesn’t know if he likes it, really, it depends on what you mean with liking, but he’s feeling a certain warmth spreading through this body that isn’t his but feels like it’s his and he can’t say it feels wrong. He puts the thing on tentatively, thinking that he probably looks ridiculous, but Dean looks more relieved than anything else and that’s fine. Just fine.
“Even though I’m sure it isn’t just a peace offering. Right?”
“Got me. How do you do that? Well, listen, I’m saying this now and not ever again. Got it?”
“Got it.”
“There’s this friggin’ war and I know it’s gonna happen soon. And I know I need to take sides.”
“Well, you need that. I was hoping you were going to take ours.”
“That’s the thing. Listen. I don’t really like that friend of yours, and there’s stuff that really doesn’t convince me, but well... let’s say that I think that you kind of do. For the obvious reasons and all. And it looks like you’re a reasonable... angel, person, being, whatever. So I’m not on your side as your whole Angels United Squad thing, I’m on your side meaning you. Fine? Got it?”
“Got it,” he answers, and he turns his face to hide the small smile that can’t help spreading over his lips. Well, maybe the scarf was covering it to begin with.
7. If It Be Your Will by Leonard Cohen
If it be your will
That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until
I am spoken for
If it be your will (...)
And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light
In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will
And then it starts and Uriel has to go back up there because that’s where he’s supposed to be and Castiel has to stay here because it’s where he’s supposed to be; the sky has been raining fire for two days and it doesn’t take much to know it’ll be over, for bad or for good, on day three.
This is night two, though, and they’re in some motel near where the gates of Hell opened for the first time; they meaning Castiel, Dean and Sam. Sam is sleeping, dead to the world, and Dean wonders how he can manage that. He also envies him, actually; he wishes he could sleep. He can’t. He just can’t and the fact that the sky is still raining fire even if it’s supposed to be night, well, that’s upsetting him, too.
Castiel stands near him; Dean can’t help noticing the infamous scarf folded neatly on a nearby seat.
“So that’s it?”
“That’s it.”
“So, we’re dying tomorrow?”
“Maybe we are. Maybe we aren’t.”
And then Dean can see Castiel biting his tongue in order not to say something and he’s tired. Sincerely tired.
“Holy tax accountant, Apocalypse’s tomorrow. If there’s something you gotta tell me, just fucking do it.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah, fuck, I am.”
“Then just don’t speak. Don’t say anything.”
“... What?”
“Just don’t,” Castiel says, and then his lips cover Dean’s and while it’s barely more than a peck because only those touch, there’s no tongue, there’s not even touching of any other kind, Dean feels a certain warmth and calm fill him up, making his tense muscles relax, there’s electricity running through every inch of him and then Castiel’s lips are gone and it’s over.
“What was it for?” he asks almost disbelievingly.
“It’s been eating me up,” is the answer that he gets and Dean suddenly knows what and why and because and he nods and he doesn’t speak; he just takes the trench into his hands and slowly drags Castiel forward until they’re kissing again and that exquisite sensation of peace takes hold of him again.
8. Yahweh by U2
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing (...)
Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist no
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss (...)
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?
And then it doesn’t stop.
It’s in the bathroom because now Dean just doesn’t want to wake up Sam and he doesn’t really try to think about anything except this and how it feels; if he did, he’d probably stop. Even if he can’t help asking the last questions, just when Castiel’s hands are roaming under his shirt and his jacket is already on the floor.
“Wouldn’t this make you fall?”
“It isn’t that easy. This... well, might not exactly be allowed, but it isn’t enough. I have to want it. Falling, I mean.”
“But aren’t you supposed not to feel?”
“This is my human form, Dean.”
And then Castiel’s lips are there on his jaw, hovering across it slightly, and for one with no such experience, angels learn fast.
It’s when Castiel’s hand goes to the scar on his shoulder that Dean finally feels it; he doesn’t know what it is but it’s like something is clicking inside his head, something that hadn’t clicked before, and he remembers that same hand grabbing him and fill his soul with something that might not be grace but in his case came very close to it and now it’s warm there, warmer than the rest of his body (which is pretty hot to begin with but well, you see the point), making him feel cleaner than he has ever felt since he woke up in a coffin five months ago. Or so.
For a second the sky out of the window isn’t dripping with fire anymore but is just dark as it’s supposed to be, before the bright light explodes again and Dean thinks that maybe their time is up, but Castiel doesn’t speed up, not really; Dean captures Castiel’s lips in his again, brushing and then kissing slowly, while Castiel’s hand is already down. His moan of pleasure dies in a kiss that he doesn’t have the strength to break as Castiel’s fingers wrap around his cock; Dean just brings his hands to Castiel’s face and holds it there, kissing until he’s sure both of their lips are swollen, as his hips thrust forward into Castiel’s hand, as he comes with Castiel’s other hand still holding onto his shoulder for dear life.
If it feels like his soul is singing right now, he just doesn’t think about it.
9. The Black Angel's Death Song by Velvet Underground
The myriad choices of his fate
Set themselves out upon a plate
For him to choose
What had he to lose
Not a ghost bloodied country
All covered with sleep
Where the black angel did weep
Not an old city street in the east
Gone to choose
And wandering's brother
Walked on through the night
Fire isn’t bleeding from the sky anymore, but it doesn’t change the fact that if Castiel looks up, he sees red. He hasn’t seen Uriel since he left four days ago, but he feels his presence near him for a second and there’s a whisper in his ear as in the midst of the confusion Uriel whispers, you have to choose now. Castiel nods and Uriel is gone in a blink of an eye; for a second it had felt like they were home again, now it’s just his shoes getting soaked in thick, dark red blood.
Last night might have been a mistake or not, but he knows why she fell now and he can’t say he doesn’t understand her. He does understand her now, so much, and he knows why it’s worth it, even if the other plate weights more. What’s imperfection and death and unknown against your very nature, against Heaven, against the perfection of his kind?
He casts a look on the other side of the field as the demon in front of him falls; he can clearly see Sam Winchester doing something pretty dangerous, but he’s far away and Castiel thinks that Sam is going straight into the heart of the battle from what he sees. Not a very intelligent move, maybe, but after all he’s on their side. Who knows.
As he tries to head there, Castiel remembers Heaven not looking as perfect for a second once, though; he wonders how would it feel like if he were to go back now.
That really isn’t an easy choice, and then he notices that his trench is torn and covered in blood and then there’s a cry that almost tears his human ears apart coming from where he saw Sam heading before; the sky becomes white and for a second he notices Dean near there dropping whatever he had in his hand, ducking and closing his eyes as the white light spreads far, covering them all.
Castiel just can’t rule out Sam having something to do with this.
10. Leap Of Faith by Bruce Springsteen
All over the world the rain was pourin'
I was scratchin' where it itched
Oh heartbreak and despair got nothing but boring
So I grabbed you baby like a wild pitch
It takes a leap of faith to get things going
It takes a leap of faith you gotta show some guts
It takes a leap of faith to get things going
In your heart you must trust (...)
Tonight the moon's looking young but I'm feelin' younger
'Neath a veil of dreams sweet blessings rain
Honey I can feel the first breeze of summer
And in your love I'm born again
It’s ironic if you think about it, and Castiel has come to appreciate irony to some degree by now.
When he raised Dean from Hell, the sky was blazing with red fire, tornadoes were of a deep, dark scarlet, you could hear thunder in the distance; right now there’s regular rain pouring down on them, washing blood away as bodies dissolve into thin air. There’s some tornado in the distance, of a striking white, you can hear thunder in the distance. Dean is standing near him, drenching wet, blood washing off his face. Sam isn’t anywhere to be seen, but it doesn’t mean nothing. It was a big field.
And if he goes back to Heaven now, which is what everyone of his kind who isn’t dead has done already, he’ll have made his choice. But there’s some itch inside him which has got to a degree where he can’t ignore it anymore; he just wants to grab Dean and kiss him like he did last night, but he doesn’t know if he would agree to that, just now.
“I though you were going to go.”
“When I came here, I thought I was too.”
“Why, you aren’t?”
“I don’t know.” It’s the most earnest answer he can give Dean. He doesn’t know. He just doesn’t know. He can’t help shaking last night out of his head, when Dean’s presence beneath him had felt more real than a lot of things that should have come first for him. He can’t just help thinking about what would happen if he really did it. After all, it’s not obligatory to be born again; there are ways and ways. It’s just that it would be like jumping into the unknown and really, does he want it?
And most of all, would Dean be there after he fell? He hates this. He hates not understanding what he feels like. He hates it.
“What’s goin’ on in there? Your head, I mean.”
“I’m thinking. Should I take a leap of faith or not?”
“You told me the same thing once. Not the same words, maybe, but that was the concept.”
“I probably did.”
“Don’t tell me that you’re thinking what I’m thinking you’re thinking.”
“I probably am.”
“It’s stupid.”
“I know.”
“You’d ruin yourself.”
“I know.”
“They would hunt you down.”
“I doubt it after what happened.”
“It’s crazy.”
“I never said it was not, but... I’ve been wondering how that pie of yours tastes like.”
Dean laughs then, and Castiel can feel that heart which isn’t his but could as well be by now beating fast. So damn fast.
“God, you’re crazy.”
“Would I find you if I did?”
“Man, just know that wherever I go, Sam goes.”
Castiel doesn’t know why it feels like a yes; he would kiss Dean, he really would, but it’s not time.
“Well, then see you.”
“Where are you going?”
“I need to find someplace high.”
Dean’s answer is lost on him as he walks through the blessing rain falling over his head. He’s far enough when he sees Sam waking up, his forehead bloody but otherwise looking fine. He looks in the direction he’s coming from, then walks away. He doesn’t know if he’ll have the necessary guts to do it, but he thinks it might just be worth it.
11. Every Grain Of Sand by Emmylou Harris
In the time of my confession, in the hour of my deepest need
When the pool of tears beneath my feet flood every newborn seed
There's a dyin' voice within me reaching out somewhere,
Toiling in the danger and in the morals of despair
Don't have the inclination to look back on any mistake,
Like Cain, I now behold this chain of events that I must break.
In the fury of the moment I can see the Master's hand
In every leaf that trembles and, in every grain of sand
It’s strange that he has understood what Castiel meant when he said bullshit like God is in everything just now that he’s gone.
Dean got that the day when he left under the pouring rain. If he had seen any white light in the sky, it might have been lightening. It might have been anything. Sam still hadn’t found him, he had been just standing there thinking that he had known it all before, since it looked like everyone was gone as usual.
Then he had felt something within him stirring, he doesn’t even get what and he had suddenly felt that maybe it wasn’t right, maybe he could have been wrong for once, and then Sam had showed up still in one piece beside him.
Sure, two days passed until he spoke a fucking full sentence, but Dean wasn’t just about to complain.
When Sam asks him about Castiel, he tells the truth. Then Sam asks him whether he thinks that Castiel really fell on his own decision and Dean replies that he doesn’t have a fucking idea, but if he did, Sam will have someone to teach hunting to. Sam just smiles and says fine, whatever, no problem, and Dean isn’t really sure that he believes his ears, but he lets it go.
And then it gets crazy because he really starts feeling the whole God is in everything business, or maybe a certain (former?) angel of the Lord is in everything. He feels that damned holy tax accountant’s presence beside him wherever he goes whatever he does even more than before, when said holy tax accountant probably was watching him and now he can’t. Well, he wouldn’t be human if he could, while if he’s back home already he probably doesn’t even care anymore.
So it’s stupid that he feels him beneath everything he touches, in the grains of sand he grabs when he’s near a lake once; as stupid as anything. He doesn’t tell Sam, though; he isn’t sure he wouldn’t sound nuts.
Then one day he decides that it’s fucking time and tells Sam that he’s going to the Grand Canyon and if Sam doesn’t want to, he can fuck off. Sam just smiles and nods and they get into the car and go.
If that sensation of feeling Castiel behind every fucking rock is stronger when they finally get there, Dean blames it on him being stressed out. Then he sees a familiar silhouette in the distance while he and Sam are grabbing something to eat from this dude who sells hamburgers near the national park’s entrance and he almost drops his to the ground. He takes a couple of bites and doesn’t move after they get in with a bunch of other people. He doesn’t see Sam rolling his eyes before pulling him forward to join the group in front of them.
12. Return Of The Grievous Angel by Ryan Adams (and Emmylou Harris)
Billboards and truckstops pass by the grievous angel
And now I know just what I have to do
'Cause I headed west to grow up with the country
Across those valleys with those waves of grain
And I saw my devil and I saw my deep blue sea (...)
Oh, and I remember something you once told me
And I'll be damned if it did not come true
Twenty thousand roads I went down, down, down
And they all lead me straight back home to you.
So he had found a place high enough; he left his body and then it really was like someone was ripping a kidney off him with a knife in the second he hit the ground. It was a sharp, sharp and deep pain like he had never experienced and that he won’t surely experience ever again, it was a feeling of being ripped apart from the inside and for a second, before hitting the ground, he had thought that he was just really going to disappear instead of coming back on Earth.
He wakes up in his old body. When he sees the deep scar above his heart, he realizes that some demon must have killed it during the last battle; he wishes he could ask whether his vessel’s soul was saved as he was wishing for, but there’s no way now.
He doesn’t know how much time has passed; when he finds a newsstand, he realizes that it’s been a month after since battle and he’s in South Dakota as he was when he still was an angel.
In the motel, someone threw his scarf in a box full of stuff forgotten in the rooms. He picks it up and no one notices. There’s some money in the pocket of his coat. The first thing he does is getting into a diner and ordering himself some apple pie. It tastes delicious, but after all he doesn’t have much to compare it with. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t taste delicious anyway.
He knows they won’t be here; now that’d be assuming too much. The problem is that he has asked Dean whether he’d still be there in case he found him, but doesn’t know how the hell he’s ever going to find him without money and documents.
Well, he still has the documents of his vessel and still has his wallet; he solves on only using those and only the money that is in there and then he’ll be on his own, he guesses.
Two months go by. He goes around by bus, manages to put some money together whenever he sees some help needed for a short while sign around if he knows that he can do the job; he roams across half of the country before he remembers some Grand Canyon talking Dean made once.
He doesn’t know why he had the idea just now, but hey, it’s enough that he had it. He jumps on the first bus going to Arizona and he figures it’s really not a coincidence when he sees Dean and Sam in the group of people that got into the park after his.
He smiles as he sees Sam clearly pushing Dean forward; he slips beside him as they walk along the path that most of the other tourists follow.
“So you found me.” Dean breaks the silence and he just nods.
“Guess I did.”
“I won’t ask why you’re here like this and not like her.”
“I don’t even know if I could explain it to you.”
“Fair enough. So, you’re already having second thoughts?”
“If I had them, I guess that pie of yours would be enough to keep me here.”
Dean then breaks into a laugh so genuine and carefree that Castiel has to stop walking, unable to tear his eyes off him. For a second he wishes there wasn’t anyone around.
“What’s so fun about it?”
“Oh, I just thought that Sammy’s gonna go insane when he hears it. In the bad sense.”
Castiel swears to himself not to ever back Dean up on the pie subject, even if he doesn’t tell it. At one point Dean’s hand randomly (or maybe not) finds his and he lets things be.
--
13. God by John Lennon
God is a concept,
By which we can measure,
Our pain,
I'll say it again,
God is a concept,
By which we can measure,
Our pain,
I don't believe in magic,
I don't believe in I-ching,
I don't believe in bible (...)
I just believe in me,
And that's reality.
The dream is over,
What can I say?
The dream is over,
Yesterday,
I was dreamweaver,
But now I'm reborn (...)
And so dear friends,
You just have to carry on,
The dream is over
One day, while Dean is getting lunch in some diner and the other two are in the car, Sam suddenly turns to Castiel from the front seat and asks him a question.
“How different it is?”
Castiel shrugs, looking up at him.
“I can’t explain. Sometimes... Anna told you about only four of us seeing God, right?”
“You haven’t?”
“I haven’t. Sometimes... it almost seems like a dream. Like I was there and wasn’t there. It wasn’t like this when I fell first.”
“It means you are forgetting?”
“I don’t think I ever will. But... it all looks more like a concept than anything else right now.”
“But you know it isn’t.”
Not a question.
“No, I know it isn’t. But it just feels that way. Like it was a dream, it’s over, this is reality and the concept is all that remains.”
“Fair enough. So you wouldn’t say you believe in God right now?”
Castiel shakes his head lightly; that’s too hard of a question to ask on some lost place on the Jersey Turnpike searching for some Jersey Devil thing. Well, those two guys’ life is a crazy one, no wondering about that. He wonders if he’d have fell knowing what he was signing up for.
He probably would have anyway.
“For now I just... believe in this. Me. Your brother. You. Whatever it is.”
He can see Sam smiling in the rearview mirror.
“I think I get it.”
Then Dean opens the door of the car quite loudly and passes Sam a white paper bag and another one to Castiel.
“There’s your vegetarian stuff and there’s your pie. They got some excellent ones in there. And please, don’t tell me you two were fucking philosophizing again.”
Castiel doesn’t answer since he’s kind of eating and kind of enjoying that delicious strawberry pie that Dean gently chose since he’s the expert. Sam looks way too guilty not to give it away.
“Oh, you’re both going to make me go crazy. You and the fucking Jersey Devil.”
The he starts the car up, Bad Company (or so Castiel thinks they’re called) start up from the speakers and well, this might be a completely crazy life but he thinks it’s pretty good, all things considered.
End.
Whole zip with the music and covers >>Here<<.
Pheeewww.